(An Occasional Publication from Skip Kazmarek)
November 16, 1992
CRAZY OVER FOOD?
I dreamed a dream the other night, a dream of a world gone mad, mad over food.
People lived and thought food. They ate whenever they could, even if not hungry. They ate at home, in their offices, even snuck out to the back seats of their cars for "a quickie." People known to have supplies of food became immediately popular, and "Pringles' bars" sprung up where those looking for casual snacks could meet those willing to supply them. Grocers would hang out on street corners at night, willing to sell Twinkies and Moon Pies, especially to out-of-town businessmen.
Food became the principal message of advertising. Everything was sold with a subtle, or not so subtle, connection to food. Cars were shown with pork chops draped seductively across the hood. Perfume advertisements featured abstract, but recognizable, shots of carrots and collards. Ads for jeans would offer a peek at a hot dog only partially concealed in the pocket.
"Foodie clubs" were popular night spots, where waiters would bring out covered platters of various dishes, then would spin and gyrate the platters to brassy music, offering quick glances at the tasty morsels inside. Little by little, more and more of the meal would be shown, until eventually the entire entree would be displayed to the cheers of crowd.
Bizarre food practices became common and accepted. Telephone numbers were set up that people could call and, for exhorbitant charges, listen to the sound of sizzling bacon. Some stores specialized in "food novelties," such as inflatable pastries or day-glow bologna.
One group, known as "beaners" because they shoved pinto beans up their noses, received national attention when it was realized that their heads were becoming bloated and infected. When the virus responsible for the infections threatened to spread throughout society, the beaners formed a political action group, supporting only those candidates who favored laws designating "beanality" a protected civil status. Movie stars added their support, wearing green leaves to show their solidarity, and "safe beaning" became a national rallying cry. Research showed that beaners had larger pituitary glands than the general population, which was thought to add support to the beaners' demands for legal protection. Educators joined in, and soon schools began to pass out tweezers so that students could continue "beaning," yet remove the beans from their noses safely.
Soon, eating became a national political concern. Chefs appeared before Congress, offering terrible tales of being forced to cook against their will. Political candidates quickly hushed up allegations that they kept secret caches of junk food in out of the way places. On college campuses, a movement arose to "raise the consciousness" of students to the "politics of food," particularly as to how demeaning were jokes and stereotypes related the basic four food groups.
At the same time, calls for a more balanced approached to food and eating were labeled reactionary, and out of touch with human nature. "Eating is a perfectly natural act, and food is a natural desire, so how can anything related to food be wrong?" Even worse, the resulting polarization created a strong counter-reaction. Booksellers featured prominent displays protesting "cookbook banning," and rock stars came out with revealing photographs of their own pantries.
It seemed the nation would soon sink into a full-blown food fight.
But then I woke up. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and all was right with the world. At last, the dream was over and I was back to reality ... a safe and sane place.
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