"LOVE AND RELATIONSHIPS"

Romantic Love (Eros)

(It is important to distinguish romantic love from sexual involvement, which can occur quite apart from romantic love. Also, it is not the presence or absence of romantic love that renders a sex act impure, degraded, or unlawful. Whole marriages used to be arranged without regard for romantic love, and the sex acts in those were often quite wholesome and proper. At the same time, many sex acts undoubtedly accompanied by romantic love are adulterous, deceitful, and despicable.)

(One more introductory comment: we need not take sex too seriously. Americans are obsessed with sex, which means:

• Anything good about sex is taken to be the absolute best, totally necessary, outstanding, irresistible, do anything for it, think about it constantly, it is the essence of life...
• Anything bad about sex is taken to be the absolute worst, totally depraved, disgusting, immoral, an abomination, inexcusable, the worst sin known to mankind, ...

We need to have a little balance. In fact, sex is part of life. An important part, a pleasurable part, to be sure, but no more important than food (see attached Essay), family, friends, service, prayer, etc. etc. etc.)

The ordinary first step in eros is a delighted preoccupation with the beloved (sometimes called infatuation). At this stage, sex isn't really an issue -- a man in this state is too busy thinking of the other as a person. Eros wants the beloved solely as an end in herself.

In this way, this is a mind boggling concept -- but it is critical. It means desiring a person, solely as the person, rather than desiring any pleasure, comfort, or service that the person can bring.

Oddly, eros does not aim at pleasure. It is so common as to be beyond dispute that eros can take as its object another who is certain to bring nothing other than heartache. And many of us gladly accept that. "We would rather share unhappiness with the Beloved that be happy on any other terms." (p.107)

Myths about romantic love:

• Myth #1: Romance is an emotion, something we "fall into." Of course, if we fall into it, we can fall out of it! Leads to the cycle common in many relationships:

  

  • In fact, love is not a feeling. Love is an action, specifically the will to extend oneself for the benefit of another. (Compare Peck, pp. 118-19, p.90, with Mere Christianity, p.85)
  • As such, genuine love implies commitment and the exercise of wisdom. In a constructive, loving relationship, the partners must regularly, routinely, and predictably attend to one another, no matter how they "feel."
• Myth #2: Sex is an integral part of romantic love. In fact, the feeling of "falling in love" is often said to be linked to the sex drive -- which is why we do not speak of "falling in love" with our children. However, the feeling of "falling in love" has nothing to do with any real form of love.
• Myth #3: Romance is spontaneous, effervescent -- "It's now or never, my love won't wait." This is actually the view of a tomcat, not a human being.
  • In fact, prolonged, serious commitment, a sense of constancy, is critical to the growth of any person. Real love, therefore, attentive to the growth of the other, can only arise from deep commitment over a prolonged period of time.
  • As a result, love is not "spontaneous." It is an exercise of deliberate, prolonged effort.
  • The fulfillment of this is Christian marriage, where both parties promise to stay together, and to work for each other's benefit, whether or not they feel like it, whether or not they are "in love," whether or not they are "happy" (or rather, resolving to be happy), whether or not the other person deserves it, and to do so forever. But then, something wonderful happens. When this is realized, and worked on, over the years, it grows into something else. A real love, not "being in love," but a unity develops. It becomes very much like the relationship between God and man. Each side, given a gift not based on merit, resolves to live a life worthy of the gift he has been given.
• Myth #4: For every young man in the world there is a young woman who was "meant for him," and vice versa. When we meet the right person, this is evidenced by the fact that we "fall in love." Then, if we "fall out of love," it must have meant that in fact we did not meet the one person meant for us, that the love was not "real" or "true" love, and there is nothing to do but live unhappily ever after or get a divorce. (Peck, p.91)
  • This is a "dreadful lie." (Peck. p.92)

It is in the grandeur of romatic love that the danger lies. "He has spoken like a god. His total commitment, his reckless disregard or happiness, his transcendence of self-regard, sound like a message from the eternal world."

• Eros can urge to do evil as well as good. "The love which leads to cruel and perjured unions, even to suicide pacts and murders, is not likely to be wandering lust of idle sentiment. It may well be Eros in all his splendour; heart-breakingly sincere; ready for every sacrifice except renunciation." (p.108)
• Eros really is god-like. "His total commitment is a paradigm or example, built into our natures, of the love we ought to exercise towards God and Man. ... But Eros, honored without reservation and obeyed unconditionally, becomes a demon. And this is just how he claims to be honored and obeyed. Divinely indifferent to our selfishness, he is also demonaically rebellious to every claim of God or Man that would oppose him." (p.110)

See [Questions for Reflection and Discussion]

To [Agape] Return to [Introduction]

6/1/97 (From materials, 3/18/94)