Q: Who are you, Matt?
What?

Q: I was invited to a Labor Day Bar-B-Q this weekend and I'm concerned that I'll run into a former member of my band and that he'll get stinking drunk and relentlessly heckle me and be in my face all afternoon. My question is: Since it's not officially "Labor Day" on Saturday, is it okay to wear white shoes?
They certainly will, Dave. And think nothing of it- that's why they call me "Ask Matt"! Keep those questions coming!

Q: There's this chick at work whose cube is opposite mine, and she makes this oinking noise all day long that's driving me up the wall. I mean, I like pigs, but people who make pig noises, well, that's another story! Is there any way I can address this problem without hurting someone's feelings or endangering my job? Thank you!
You should not have done that! God Bless You, and God Bless America!

Q: Did George Bush *really* win the election?
John, it seems to me that your question can only be answered with another question. Thank you for your letter, and Happy Thanksgiving!

Q: I bought dogfood for my cat by accident. Should I feed it to her anyway?
Thank you for your question, Dan. I always find it encouraging when I see today's young people trying to better themselves.

Q: What do those three balls signify above pawn shops?
They are Masonic symbols, for more information visit the Malibu diner on West 23rd Street.

Q: Where can I get the motor for a record player fixed?
I get asked that more often than you would think. Remember, there are no stupid questions.

Q: Someone left some Tequiza in my refrigerator after a party. Should I throw it away?
You should have thrown it away before the party.

Q: Matt, if I get one of those hairless cats, do I have to buy it long
underwear to wear during the winter months?
Thank you for your question, and good luck!

Q: Why should we ask you questions?
Yes!

Q: Does the water really drain counter-clockwise in the Southern Hemisphere?
You mean Ben Franklin.

Q: What's the best thing to do with a lawn chair?
Defenestrate

Q: Have we met somewhere?
What?

Q: What's the most annoying song you can think of?
"Show Me the Way" by Peter Frampton

Q: What type of headache do you have right now?
Nacho Cheese

Q: I'm considering buying a new couch. What features should I look for?
Light weight for easy defenestrability

Q: What's wrong with most people?
They stole my pills

Q: What should I do with my hair?
I gotta go!

Got a question? Write to: askmatt@thesmallpotatoes.com