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Transformers
GRADE: M=3, F=2
Unpopular opinion alert:
I didn’t love this movie. In all fairness I must say there were
many elements I DID enjoy but the sum of the whole just didn’t send me over the moon like it did for most people.
Pre-show: We were getting
out of work early (and yet I still managed to leave late), so I headed over to the theatre for a matinee show. Sadly there was no time to stop by the new Kwik E Mart up the street to grab a squishee, but I was still
in a relatively good mood. It did not hurt that the audience was full and bristling
with excitement. After putting up with the annoying a-holes in the row behind
me (both were sitting in the dead center and both got up together to leave the theatre and come back moments later no less
than 6 times in the first hour I was there), I was still excited. After a few
forgettable previews, the main event began. And good golly was there an electricity
in the joint. Summer event movie are always best viewed on opening day, and this
movie was no exception.
Movie: The movie is just beginning
and I’m not only willingly suspending disbelief but I am drop kicking it out of the window. I am all in for this. The theatre is fading from my frame
of reality and I gladly fall into this bright, fast, and quick cut movie. And
then it happens. The a-holes behind me are coming back in the theatre for their
seats and one mistakes my head for the back of the chair. Not only does the doofus
not realize that the handful of hair he has just grabbed and pulled is not, in fact, a theatre seat, but he then continues
to lean on my head for support. And doesn’t apologize. Who does that? In my mind I screamed “What the fuck,
Helen Keller?” but in reality I think all I mustered was “OW!” Hurting
me is one thing. Not apologizing? Still
crappy. But making me say anything loudly in a theatre while a movie is playing? That is an unforgivable sin. Yet I still
managed to put my anger aside and dive back into the movie. This was the effort
I made to enjoy it. Me. A huge Michael
Bay detractor. Just typing his name makes my left eye twitch. I mention all this not only because it was part of the experience but also because I want to be clear on
something: I wanted to enjoy this and did my damnedest to make that happen.
Let me begin the review proper by saying that although I loved Transformer cars as a child, I was never a big fan of
the TV show or the lore. No, the draw for me was mostly, “How does this
work? How does it transform?” As
I grew up, those were the same questions I posed whenever I saw any make-up or special effects in movies. It was always about how it was possible and not so much just the sheer joy of the final product. So although the idea of a Transformers film was exciting to me, I was not exactly crawling the walls in
anticipation like so many have been. Particularly since Bay was directing. This is the man who clings desperately to the same staid, overplayed style he has
had since he was a first time director. A man who insists on as many close-ups
as possible, most without a hint of emotion. A man who feels compelled to include
a car chase on a bridge in every one of his films. Still, I had a feeling that
this time would be different. In part, I was right.
Let us start with the good things. The script is fairly well handled. The plot is a bit iffy but the dialogue had its moments with some good bits of humor
and nods to the Transformers history. The authors were clearly fans and that
translated to the screen. The second thing I liked was Shia LaBeouf. He came across as a likeable teenager to me. He reminded me
of a lot of teenage boys I knew at that age, and I thought that worked well. Finally,
the best thing about the movie was the FX. In particular, the Transformers themselves. I don’t know how much was CGI and if any of the Transformers existed off the
computer screen, but it sure felt like they did. Although some of the effects
looked like effects, I thought the work on the Transformers themselves was truly a spectacular work of art. They turned out gorgeous. They seemed quite real and alive. That definitely kicked up the enjoyment in this film.
After all, they should be the main attraction. Now on to the bad.
The main problem for me was Michael Bay’s directing. No surprise
there. However, I will give him some credit.
He must be some kind of fan himself because there was a definite respect and passion for the subject. I could feel it, even if I could not quite see it. The main
issue is that Bay insists on an excessive number of close-ups and even more problematic, close-ups on actors like the love
interest as played by Megan Fox who showed so little emotion I thought she would transform into something at some point. (I still suspect if I had stayed through the end credits that would have been the
kicker at the end. She turns into a toaster and out pops Transformers brand Pop
Tarts™. Now in stores!) The
close-ups on her face were only exceeded only by the close-ups of her frighteningly overtanned stomach. All it made me want to do is put sunscreen on the poor robotic girl.
So the direction felt uninspired to me even though I still think he felt connected to the subject matter himself. For example, the first half slips along rather quickly and enjoyably. The direction is nothing special (although his cinematography is as always, awful purty), but the sense
of humor and the machines themselves make it a joy to sit through. However, at
some point that changes. The movie loses its groove at some point and by the
end, I felt less invested than I had at that start, way back when my scalp was making me see stars. This is a problem. This is a problem because the climactic
battle felt almost anticlimactic. Now don’t get me wrong, watching Optimus
Prime take on Megatron was a thing of beauty. The battle was spectacular. Still, that last section of the movie just seemed to lose focus for me. It didn’t help that the movie had one of those annoying scores that seemed calculated to manipulate
how I should feel. Scores should emotionally tell the story. Scores should not tell me how to feel about the story.
Overall it was truly enjoyable for me. However, I can not help but feel
like it could have used a little more work to make it a truly great action movie. That
lost potential is darned annoying, but the shiny, pretty robots kind of make up for it.
A great popcorn flick for the summer. Prepare to have fun with the eye
candy, but also ready yourself for a slightly unsatisfying second half to the movie.
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In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale
GRADE: M=1; F=1
I have considered it both an amazing feat and a sheer blessing
that I have been able to avoid all of Uwe Boll’s “movies.” I
use quotation marks because any movie that uses actual video game footage in the guise of filmmaking should be required by
law to have quotation marks. Anyway, around this time of year when I am playing
catch up on all the best movies of last year, I really need a bit of a break. Sometimes
it can be incredibly difficult to write one rave review after another; there are only so many synonyms for “amazing”
one can use. In short, I really needed a movie I could rip to shreds. My sarcastic, bitter nature demands it on occasion. The next
step was to find an actual theatre playing “In the Name of the King.” The
catch all mall AMC came through for me (again) and by the time I arrived there, the line was down to the food court. I quickly bypassed the window for the line less electronic kiosk. This was not only faster, but in all honesty, I was not sure I could bring myself to say to anyone out
loud what movie I was there watch.
My mother loves these kinds of medieval-ish action films. We used to watch
them together on Saturday mornings, and when I was older, I would watch the previous night’s “Mystery Science
Theatre 3000” episode on Saturday morning as well. So it was no surprise
that I felt the urge to watch this one first thing Saturday morning. I didn’t
have my mother, and I didn’t have anyone to MST the movie with, but I was determined to solider on.
I was prepared to hate this movie. I was prepared to laugh. I was prepared to want to vomit a little. I was not disappointed
on any count. Simply put, it was terrible.
To no one’s surprise. When I watched the battle sequences with the
thousands of Krug monsters marching, I could only ponder if they used that software program Peter Jackson had created for
his “Lord of the Rings” trilogy. If so, when watching this Jackson
must feel somewhat like Einstein felt when the bomb fell on Hiroshima. Just because
you have a hand in creating something that could benefit mankind it does not mean that it isn’t going to be put to diabolical
use.
Forgive me for the spoilers I’m about to throw out there, but part of me is optimistic than there is no one out
there that would be devastated by my revealing key “story” points to this bleeding fart of a film. We open on Ray Liotta making out with Leelee Sobieski. Ray’s
stiff hair moves about as much as Leelee’s facial expressions, so they are pretty evenly matched I guess. Essentially we are supposed to believe that the King’s (Burt Reynolds) sworn nemesis, evil magus
Galleon has been sneaking into the castle for trysts with the King’s magus’s (John Rhys Davies) daughter, Lee
Lee. Got that? When watching any
movie, never trust Liotta. I think here he is stealing her power in order to
take down the kingdom, but he doesn’t really seem to need the help, so I don’t know what the hell is with that
plot point. Leelee finally gets wise to Sorcerer Vercetti Liotta and throws him
out. The King’s nephew Matthew Lillard minces about the castle with a face
that looks like a Chihuahua and the body expression of a tweeker. Either Lillard
made an extremely odd acting choice here, or something is going horribly wrong in his personal life. Anyway, the nephew is the one that has been getting Liotta into the castle in the hopes that he can help
him get rid of the king. As Lillard is the only heir, he would probably have
the inside track on taking over the whole kingdom. When watching any movie, never
trust Lillard.
On the side of good, the perpetually sullen Farmer (Statham) helps his son load a turnip truck. Seriously. They are quickly joined by a grizzled Ron Perlman
who apparently raised the orphaned Farmer. This despite the fact that are probably
around the same age. He brings farmer a pig, which spends its screen time trying
to run off screen and out of the movie. The pig is clearly the smartest actor
in this movie. Farmer’s wife Solana (Forlani) heads out with the son on
the turnip truck to make some sales in town, and visit her mother. Forlani, whose
face still manages to look like a live action blow up doll, makes with the exposition.
The only interesting nugget is the reason why her husband is called Farmer by everyone, including her. He likes it because he prefers people to be called what they are.
By this logic he should have named his child “accident” and should call his wife “dick warmer.” His logic, not mine. So his family heads
to town while he stays home to pull turnips. This exciting work is soon interrupted
by a group of Krug soldiers. Krugs are mindless troll like animals. They look kind of like the Uruks of “Lord of the Rings” only the Krugs carry giant pieces of
bark as their shields. The Krug also can not think for themselves and must be
conducted like an orchestra by Liotta. Liotta does this dressed like Liberace
in a room reminiscent of “Xanadu.” I seriously could not imagine
Liotta was NOT wearing roller skates in those scenes. If he had broken out into
a chorus of “Magic,” I may have liked the movie a lot better.
So the Krug come and kill most of the village, including Farmer’s little son.
The Krug also manage to abscond with Solana. Thirsty for vengeance and
hopeful to retrieve his wife, Farmer sets out with Perlman and his brother in law at his side.
They cut through a hostile forest to encounter a group of tree dwelling women who spin and bounce around through the
air on vines. This Cirque de Cervix as it were, shuttles the men out of the forest
and warns them never to return. As you can imagine, they will later come back
into play. It just kind of goes on from there.
The story seems to have lifted its storyline from Tolkien, Ursula LeGuin, and Frank L. Baum. And yet the story is unpleasant and almost non-existent.
The movie is rich with irrelevant and pointless scenes that have no bearing on what is going on and even stranger,
has no connection to any future point of the story. They do not even qualify
as red herrings. They are just there, sucking.
Boll takes actual breaks during action sequences for brief conversation sequences.
And the conversations have no point. Perlman’s character at one
point commits a heroic act that is essentially pointless and has no meaning. Then
why have that in there? The movie is filled with bizarre choices and makes the
viewer constantly ask questions. Why is there dramatic, frenetic music playing
while Farmer is burying his son? Am I supposed to feel tense? Do we need an extended montage of walking? Or if we do, can
it at least not be the same section of forest after each new cut? I do not feel
like they are moving forward as much as they are groundhog daying it up in the old growth.
Why did Liotta conjure up a lightening storm to rain down on the battle yet he did not bother to strike any of the
good guys with lightening when every single one of them was covered with metal armor?
Some evil genius he is. Also why are there 10 ninjas fighting? And why is there only like 5 women in the Cirque de Cervix clan fighting?
And what was with the C.H.U.D. fighters? At times the battle sequences
in this movie were looking more like a Netflix ad than a cohesive, planned action sequence.
The most annoying and frustrating thing about this movie though has to be that I could not shake the feeling that this
was some community theatre acting class. Day one.
The dialogue was so bad, I almost hoped that it was improv’d. Could
any writer be proud that he had written this? And if so, don’t let that
man near Michael Bay. Combining the two could unleash hell on Earth. But seriously, did someone pay that guy for this script? If
so, I want to get in touch with that guy and punch him in his gigantic balls.
This movie should not be attempted in the theatre. If you must, and I
know some of you are thinking you must, then please wait for DVD. Gather up your
friends and get a little liquor in you and then pop it in and MST it up. Trust
me; that is the only way it will be palatable. As it is now, it is bad enough
to hurt but not bad enough to laugh at it without some aid.
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Shoot 'Em Up
GRADE: M=3, F=2
This movie is ridiculous. In a
good way. I think. Personally, I
waffled between loving it and rolling my eyes every 5 minutes. I nearly got dizzy
going back and forth. Which is why you probably either really like this movie
or hate it.
Pre-show: I am growing quite
fond of the little theatre up the street. The popcorn is the worst ever, so I
am not tempted to throw out the diet for it, and the shows never seem to sell out, so there is plenty of elbow room. The screen is a little high up on the wall (to accommodate the balcony view) but it
isn’t so high that one gets a crick in their neck. Best of all, it is within
walking distance of my house and sits across the street from a brand new Best Buy. A
girl couldn’t be better situated. So that’s why I went to watch this movie there: comfort, quiet, and a chance
to hunt down elusive DVD box sets.
The previews were rather slim. In fact, the car ads ran longer than the
movie trailers. However, I did finally get to see the preview for the new “Harold
and Kumar.” I must admit, I am looking forward to this. I adored the first one (although I prefer the rated version released to theatres), but I can’t imagine
going to see this one with out former roomie Matt. So I guess one of us better
get on those travel plans. The other new trailer for me this week was “Mr.
Woodcock.” A gym teacher dating a (former) student’s mom? Sounds like one of the best episodes from the best TV show ever; “Freaks & Geeks.” I do not think this movie can match its majesty.
I will take a pass thanks.
Movie: The movie opens up
with a close up of Clive Owen. So right away, I like the movie. The film then launches into an overblown, impossible shoot ‘em up scene. Despite the number of bodies that pile up, you can not help but laugh.
Why? Because you realize that not only is this an action movie, but it
is a gentle mockery of other action movies. I am one of the few who don’t
care for Jason Statham movies, and this movie, to me, seemed a direct parody of those movies in particular. But straight away the audience is clued in to just what kind of movie they are in for. It is silly and over the top and it makes you laugh inappropriately.
Then at other times, it feels too earnest and makes you want to roll your eyes.
When it plays as comedy it works. When it takes itself too seriously,
the movie stumbles.
Clive Owen is marvelous as the main character Smith. Gruff but quick with
the one liners, he really seems to be enjoying playing a guy on the verge of smiling.
Some day I hope to see Clive Owen smile in a film. On that day doves will
take to the skies, families will reunite their cats and dogs, and the children of Whoville will sing in the main square. It will be a special day indeed. Anyway,
Owen looks like he is having a lot of fun in the role and the movie is all the better for it.
Overblown at times, Owen is so likeable that when something happens that doesn’t work, you get over it pretty
quickly thanks to him. Still, the script is uneven at times and the jokes, though
amusing for the most part are pretty stale and groan worthy on the whole.
Besides Owen, the other main draw to the film is the action sequences themselves.
The fights generally stick to gunplay but still manage some interesting choreography.
In particular, one of the best fight sequences is also combined with one of the best gratuitous sex scenes I have seen
on screen in a long time. Yet, in keeping with the mixed feelings, it was also
one of the most tiresome scenes as well. I am not sure how that is possible,
but it is. The scene goes from nice to awesome to tiresome to awesome again. It was very strange.
What didn’t work? Giamatti.
Now, I love me some Giamatti but I just didn’t get his character. One
minute he is a twisted sociopath and the next a pussy whipped husband. Giamatti
also hams it up a bit too much. This movie definitely calls for haminess but
Giamatti seemed to bring the whole damn luau.
Bottom line though is that this movie is just pure fun. Granted you need
a crane to suspend your disbelief, but that is most of the reason it is fun. It
is cartoon level violence and is a silly but enjoyable little flick.
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