At the Beer Festival
After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery
presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down
and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."
The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give
me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser."
The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky
Mountain spring water, give me a Coors."
The bartender gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."
The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you
drinking a Guinness?"
The Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't
drinking beer, neither would I."
One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub
together. They each proceeded to buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they
were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, a fly landed in each of their
pints and became stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer from him in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued
drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Irishman picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer
and yelled "SPIT IT OUT!! SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"
The Beer Prayer
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk (I will be drunk)
At home as it is in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, the bitter, the lager,
If Operating Systems were Beers
- DOS Beer
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read
the directions carefully before opening
the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a
16-oz. can. However, the can is divided
into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be consumed
separately. Although soon to be
discontinued, a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after
it's no longer available.
- Mac Beer
At first, came only in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can.
Considered by many to be a "light" beer.
All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it
opens itself. The ingredients list is not
on the can. If you call the brewery to ask about the ingredients,
you are told that "you don't need to know."
A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trash
- Windows 3.1 Beer
The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot
like Mac Beer's. Requires that you
already own DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS
Beers simultaneously, but in reality
you can only drink a few of them, very slowly. Especially slow if
you are drinking the Windows Beer at the
same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows
Beer will explode when you open it.
- OS/2 Beer
Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers
simultaneously. Allows you to drink
Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises
that its cans won't explode when
you open them, even if you shake them up first. You never really see
anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the
manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9
million six-packs have been sold.
- Windows 95 Beer
No one drinks it much yet, but a lot of people have taste-tested it
and claim it's wonderful. The can looks a
lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It
comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you
look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people
will probably keep drinking Windows
3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like
it. The ingredients list, when you look
at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in
DOS beer, even though the manufacturer
claims that this is an entirely new brew.
- Windows NT Beer
Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This
causes most people to have to go out
and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1
Beer's, but the company promises to
change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer's - after Windows
95 Beer starts shipping. Touted as an
"industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.
- UNIX Beer
Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64
oz. Drinkers of UNIX Beer display
fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different
brands taste almost identical. Sometimes
the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to
have your own can opener around for
those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of
instructions or a friend who has been
drinking UNIX Beer for several years.
- AmigaDOS Beer
The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been
picked up by some weird German
company, so now this beer will be an import. AmigaDOS Beer never
really sold very well because the
original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like UNIX Beer,
AmigaDOS Beer fans are an
extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can,
but now comes in 32-oz. cans too.
When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and
colorful, but the design hasn't changed
much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer
claim that it is only meant for watching
- VMS Beer
Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and
sipping. However, cans have been
known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like
contents. Best drunk in high pressure
development environments. When you call the manufacturer for the
list of ingredients, you're told that it's
proprietary and referred to an unknown listing in the manuals
published by the FDA. Rumors have it that
this was once listed in the Physicians' Desk Reference as a
tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have
actually seen it.
FOOD FOR THOUGHT
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo
and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones
at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole,
because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps
improving by the regular attrition of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate
as fast as the slowest brain cells.
Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells,
but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the
weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster
and more efficient machine.
This is why you always feel smarter after a few beers!
WHEN WE GIRLS DRINK TOO MUCH
1. WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE OUR PURSE IS.
2. WE BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH OUR ARMS OVERHEAD AND WIGGLING OUR BUTT WHILE YELLING "WOO-HOO!" IS TRULY THE SEXIEST DANCE MOVE AROUND.
3. WE'VE SUDDENLY DECIDED THAT WE WANT TO KICK SOMEONE'S ASS AND HONESTLY
BELIEVE WE COULD DO IT TOO.
4. IN OUR LAST TRIP TO PEE, WE REALIZE THAT WE NOW LOOK MORE LIKE A HOMELESS
HOOKER THAN THE GODDESS WE WERE JUST FOUR HOURS AGO.
5. WE START CRYING AND! TELLING EVERYONE WE SEE THAT WE LOVE THEM SOOOOO MUCH.
6. WE GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN EVERY TIME A NEW SONG PLAY'S
BECAUSE "OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG!"
7. WE'VE FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK SITTING NEXT TO US.
8. WE'VE SUDDENLY TAKEN UP SMOKING AND BECOME REALLY GOO D AT IT.
9. WE YELL AT THE BARTENDER, WHO WE BELIEVE CHEATED US BY GIVING US JUST
LEMONADE, BUT THAT'S JUST BECAUSE WE CAN NO LONGER TASTE THE GIN.
10. WE THINK WE ARE IN BED, BUT OUR PILLOW FEELS STRANGELY LIKE THE KITCHEN
FLOOR (or the mop?)
11 WE FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID'S DOWN WHEN WE SIT ON IT.
12. WE TAKE OUR SHOES OFF BECAUSE WE BELIEVE IT'S THEIR FAULT THAT WE'RE
HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT.
Late one Friday night a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.
"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five O' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinessis -- couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later..." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.
The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."
Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!?"
You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine
traveling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car
and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.
Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same
speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round", you're drunk.
A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night.
He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet
"What's that big brass gong?" one of the mates asked.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Yup," replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.
"Watch," the drunk replied.
He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one each other for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed,
"You asshole... it's three-fifteen in the morning!"
Return to the councilor's Lounge