JOKES

What if Data (from Star Trek, The Next Generation) were Microsoft Windows(tm) compatible?

WORF: Captain, there are three Romulan warships uncloaking dead ahead.
PICARD: On screen.
The main viewing screen changes to a pattern of horizontal lines, each only a single pixel wide.
PICARD: Data, what's wrong here?
DATA: Captain, the main viewscreen does not have sufficient video memory to display an image of this size. May I suggest that you select a lower resolution?
PICARD: Make it so.
The screen blanks, and then an image appears, with big, blocky square pixels. Three objects appear in the center, which could be Romulan warbirds, but which actually look more like the aliens in Space Invaders. PICARD: Data, open a hailing channel to the Romulans.
DATA: Aye, sir.
Data picks up an hourglass from the floor beside him, turns it over, and places it on the console in front of him. He punches some buttons on the console and sits motionless for several seconds. A flash of light blossoms from one of the Romulan ships on the viewscreen.
WORF: Incoming plasma torpedo, Captain!
PICARD: Shields up!
DATA: I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before you issue your next command.
PICARD: What on earth do you mean? Data, this is important! I want those shields up right now.
DATA: I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before you issue your next command.
LAFORGE: Allow me, captain. [to Data] Control-alt-delete, Data.
Data removes the hourglass from the console, and returns it to the floor.
DATA: The Romulans are not responding to my hails. Press my nose to cancel and return to Windows. Pull my left ear to close this communications channel which is not responding. You will lose any information sent by the Romulans. LaForge pulls Data's left ear.
PICARD: Shields...
There is a tremendous explosion. The bridge shakes violently, and all the crew members are thrown to the floor. A shower of sparks erupts from Wesley Crusher's station at the helm, throwing Wesley back away from the console.
PICARD: ...Up, Data!
DATA: Aye, sir.
RIKER: All decks, damage report!
WORF: Captain, Ensign Crusher is injured. He appears to be unconscious. Data picks up the hourglass again, places it on his console, and punches some more buttons. He waits a few seconds, then puts the hourglass back on the floor.
DATA: Shields are now up, captain.
PICARD: And not a moment too soon. Worf, lock all phasers on the lead
Romulan ship.
WORF: Aye, sir. He punches buttons on the weapons console.
PICARD: Mr. Data, take the helm, and prepare for evasive action.
DATA: I am sorry, sir, but I do not have the proper device driver installed for that console.
PICARD: Well, damn it, install the right one.
DATA: Please insert Setup Implant 1 in my right nostril.
PICARD: Number One, where do we keep Data's setup implants?
RIKER: I left them with Geordi.
LAFORGE: [in a surprised voice] What!!? I thought you still had them!
PICARD: Data, don't you have device drivers stored in your internal memory?
DATA: Not found, sir. Please insert Setup Implant 1 in my right nostril.
PICARD: Data, I don't have Setup Implant 1.
DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?
PICARD: Abort!
DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?
PICARD: Well, fail, then!
DATA: Current nose is no longer valid.
Data walks over to the helm, and presses several buttons. The ship lurches, the images of the Romulan warships suddenly shift to one side of the viewscreen, and a high-pitched whining noise is heard coming from somewhere else in the ship.
LAFORGE: [alarmed] Data, what the hell are you doing?
PICARD: Number One, do we have a customer service number for Data?
RIKER: Yes sir, but last time I tried to call them, I got put on hold for two hours before I was able to talk to anyone. And that person wasn't knowledgeable about androids of Data's model. She specialized in industrial control robots.
Suddenly, the lights all go out, the viewscreen goes blank, and all the usual noise of fans, motors, and so on whines to a halt. After a few seconds, the red emergency lights come on. Data is standing by the console, absolutely motionless.
PICARD: What's going on?
LAFORGE: [checking the helm console] Lieutenant Data has caused a General Protection Violation in the warp engine core.
PICARD: These androids look really sharp, but you can't really do anything with them.
The shimmer of the transporter effect appears, and six Romulans in full battle dress materialize on the bridge. A seventh figure, a Ferengi, appears moments later.
FERENGI: [with a mercenary grin] Can I interest you in a Macintosh, Captain?

We read today from The Gospel According to Scottie, 23:25-29

25 And lo, it came to pass that the dilithium crystals DID fail;
26 Whereupon Emperor Tiberius, who was known as The Kirk, did summon
Scottie from on high, and berate him mightily;
27 'I DAMN thee, Scottie! More power do we need, that we may vanquish evil and smite the Klingons!'
28 'Already doth the cup of antimatter runneth over, my LORD; yet given time, I may yet gain a wee bit more.'
29 'Make it so', replied Tiberius, who was immediately set upon by a slavering pack of Golgothan Trekkie hounds for this blasphemous incongruity.

Janeway VS Picard


REASONS WHY CAPTAIN JANEWAY IS BETTER THAN CAPTAIN PICARD
1. One word: hair
2. More hair than all previous Star Trek commanding officers combined.
3. Drinks coffee, not that sissy "Earl Grey" stuff.
4. Beams down to the planet like real Captains should.
5. Mutes the doctor when the doctor gets out of line.
6. Hasn't let an adolescent pilot the Federation flagship - yet.
7. Commanded ships blown up: Picard: 2 Janeway: 0
8. Voyager needs a female Captain. Its Captain must be willing to admit they're lost and pull over for directions.
9. Picard likes to talk his way through. Janeway likes to punch her way through.
10. Hasn't quoted Shakespeare - yet.
11. Looks better in sleepwear.
12. Gives guilt trips that would make a Jewish mother proud.
13. Isn't French with an English accent.
14. "Take this cheese to sickbay!"
15. Will give you two days off to ponder your life shattering experience.
16. Janeway says "I don't like you!" to her enemies instead of trying to convince them to behave better.
17. To comfort children, Janeway cares for them in a loving motherly way. Picard sings a song... in French... about a monk... who can't wake up for morning bells.
18. The only children on Voyager can be turned off at will.
19. Janeway has a First Officer with a tattoo.
20. She doesn't have any pesky Federation Admirals to get in her way.
21. Three words: Compression Phaser Rifles.
22. Acknowledges freely when she breaks the Prime Directive instead of trying to weasel her way out of it with philosophical ramblings.
23. 15 episodes without surrendering the ship.
24. 15 episodes and Wesley has yet to save the ship.
25. Janeway's holo programs create useful things like doctors and lungs. Picard's holodecks create maniacal evil geniuses who yet again take over the ship.
26. She doesn't need to straighten her uniform every time she stands.
27. Janeway has never worn green tights and frolicked about in Sherwood Forest. However, if she did, she would look fantastic!
28. Kirk looked good in ripped shirts; Picard looked good without a shirt; Janeway would look... no, they can't do that on network television.
29. Cheese
30. Doesn't force her crew to wear awful outfits, unless it is to blend in with a primitive planet.
31. She doesn't waste time learning foreign languages. All lifeforms in the Delta Quadrant speak perfect English.
32. Her engineer does not wear a banana clip over her eyes.
33. Slouches in her chair even in critical life-threatening moments.
34. Doesn't have a Counselor on board (thank God!).
35. Her telepath only lives nine years.
36. Janeway heard the words "boldly go where no man (er, woman) has gone before" and took them to the extreme.
37. Picard tells alien cultures, "I hope our two cultures will one day come to a greater understanding." Janeway threatens them with "the deadliest of force".
38. Janeway's Security Chief would never grow a ponytail.
39. The high point of Enterprise cuisine were scrambled eggs that only Wor
could stomach.
40. Janeway doesn't have to point which way to go when they set off.
41. Maintains an elaborate hairdo that would baffle even Princess Leia.
42. Has mastered facial expression understood by all to mean, "Boy, Paris, are YOU ever stupid."
43. Cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese. I can't help myself!
44. Hugs her Vulcan from time to time.
45. Has a more manly voice.
46. Doesn't have a starship that splits in half when it's in a tight spot.
47. Has a dog and a significant other, not some damn fish!
48. Kes. Troi. No contest.
49. Nealix. Replicator. Ok, this one's debatable.
50. At least she doesn't have to yell "Hot!" at her cook every time she wants something to drink.
51. Her ship has neat-looking folding warp nacelles.
52. Her CONN officer actually went through the Academy.
53. Her CONN officer can use contractions.
54. Her first officer has a hallucinogenic device.
55. None of the crew members' relatives have ever tried to take over the
ship, invade the Federation, steal a starship, or enslave all humankind.
56. To help her relax, Janeway's first officer helps her contact her spirit
guide. Picard's first officer helps him get... to Risa.

Subject: Star Wars lost scene

There's a new scene included in the DVD release of EMPIRE STRIKES BACK! Basically, it expands on the scene where Vader reveals his fatherhood to Luke, and ties up some loose ends created with the release of Episode 1...
The Empire Strikes Back: Extra-Special Edition
INT: BESPIN GANTRY - MOMENTS LATER:
A furious lightsaber duel is underway. DARTH VADER is backing LUKE SKYWALKER towards the end of the gantry. A quick move by Vader, chops off Luke's hand! It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft. Luke backs away. He looks around, but realizes there's nowhere to go but straight down.
Darth Vader: Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father.
Luke: He told me enough! He told me you killed him!
Vader: No... I *am* your father!
Luke: No, it's not true! It's impossible.
Vader: Search your feelings... you know it to be true...
Luke: NO!

Vader: Yes, it is true...and you know what else? You know that brass droid of yours?
Luke: Threepio?
Vader: Yes... Threepio... I built him... when I was 7 years old...
Luke: No...
Vader: Seven years old! And what have you done? Look at yourself, no hand, no job, and couldn't even levitate your own ship out of the swamp...
Luke: I destroyed your precious Death Star!
Vader: When you were 20! When I was 10, I single-handedly destroyed a Trade Federation Droid Control ship! With the help of R2D2 no less

Luke: Well, it's not my fault...
Vader: Oh, here we go... "Poor me... my father never gave me what I wanted for my birthday... boo hoo, my daddy's the Dark Lord of the Sith...waahhh wahhh!"
Luke: Shut up...
Vader: You're a slacker! By the time I was you're age, I had exterminated the Jedi knights!
Luke: I used to race my T-16 through Beggar's Canyon...
Vader: Oh, for the love of the Emperor... 10 years old, winner of the Boonta Eve Open... Only human to ever fly a Pod Racer... right here baby!
Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step towards it.
Vader: I was wrong... You're not my kid... I don't know whose you are, but you sure ain't mine...
Luke takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the shaft. Darth Vader looks after him.
Vader: And get a haircut!

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