Travel Humor


Irish Petrol Station

Taking a wee break from the golf circuit, Tiger Woods drove his new Ford Excursion into an Irish gas station. The attendant greeted him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro was. "Top of the mornin' to ya!" the Irishman smiled, doffing his cap.

As Tiger got out of the mammoth vehicle, two tees fell out of his pocket. "So what are those, lad?" asked the attendant.
"They're called tees," replied Tiger.
"And what would ya be usin' 'em for, now?" inquired the Irishman.
"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," said Tiger.
"Those fellas at FORD think of everything!"


New Englanders

Forget Rednecks ..here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about New Englanders...
If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because Mt.Washington is the coldest spot in the nation, and Boston gets more snow than any other major city in the US, you live in New England.
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you live in New England.
If you instinctively walk like a penguin for six months out of the year, youlive in New England.
If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance, and they don't work there, you live in New England .
If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in New England.
If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who
dialed a wrong number, you live in New England .
And, you know you are a New Englander when: "Vacation" means going anywhere south of New York City for the weekend.
You measure distance in hours.
You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.
You have switched from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again.
You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a ragingblizzard without flinching.
You install security lights on your house and garage, but leave bothunlocked .
You carry jumpers in your car and your girlfriend/wife knows how to use them.
You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
The speed limit on the highway is 55mph -- you're going 80 andeverybody is passing you!
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction.
Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
You find 10 degrees "a little chilly."

Only Massachusetts Folks Would Understand


1. The Red Sox World Series win was, and will always be, one of the greatest moments in your life.
2. The guy driving in front of you is going 70 mph and you're swearing at him for going too slow.
3. When ordering a tonic, you mean a Coke.
4. You went to Canobie Lake Park or Water Country as a kid
5. You actually enjoy driving around rotaries.
6. You do not recognize the letter "R" as a part of the English language.
7. Your social security number starts with a 0
8. You can actually find your way around Boston.
9. You know what a "regular" coffee is.
10. You keep an ice scraper in your car year-round.
11. You can tell the difference between a Revere accent and a Dorchester accent.
12. Springfield is located "way out west."
13. You almost feel disappointed if someone doesn't flip you the bird when you cut them off or steal their parking space.
14. You know how to pronounce the names of towns like Worcester, Billerica, Gloucester, and Haverhill.
15. Anyone you don't know is a potential idiot until proven otherwise.
16. Paranoia sets in if you can't see a Dunkin Donuts or a CVS Pharmacy within eyeshot at all times.
17. You have driven to New Hampshire on a Sunday just to buy alcohol.
18. You know how to pronounce Yastrzemski.
19. You know there's a trophy at the end of the Bean Pot.
20. You order iced coffee in January
21. You know that the Purple Line will take you anywhere
22. You love scorpion bowls.
23. You know what they sell at a Packie.
24. Sorry Manny, but number 24 means DEWEY EVANS.
25. You know what First Night is.
26. You know at least one guy named Sean, Pat, Whitey, Red, Bud or Seam u s.
27. McLobster = McCrap!
28. You know at least 2 cops in your town because they were your high school drinking buddies.
29. Sure there are 6 New England states, but Connecticut really doesn't count.
30. You intentionally give wrong directions to tourists, feel bad when they drive off, but then say to yourself ,"Ah, screw them."
31. You know at least one bar where you can get something to drink after last call.
32. You're sick of the Kennedy's, but you vote for them anyway.
33. You know holding onto the railing when riding the Green Line is not optional
34. The numbers '78 and '86 make you cringe.
35. You've been to Goodtimes before
36. You think the rest of the country owes you for Thanksgiving and Independence Day. (...and they DO).
37. You have never been to "Cheers."
38. The words 'WICKED' and 'GOOD' go together.
39. You've been to Fenway Park several times.
40. You've gone to at least one party at U Mass.
41. You own a "Yankees Suck" shirt or hat.
42. You know what a Frappe is.
43. You've been to Hempfest.
44. You know who Frank Averuch is.
45. ADVANCED: You know Frank Averuch was once Bozo the Clown
46. You can complete the following: "Lynn, Lynn......"
47. You're pissed off when a restaurant serves clam chowder, and it turns out to be friggin' Snows.
48. You actually know how to merge from six lanes of traffic down to one.
49. The TV weatherman is damn good if he's right 25% of the time.
50. You never go to "Cape Cod," you go "down the Cape".
51. You think that Roger Clemens and Johnny Damon are more evil than Whitey Bulger.
52. You know who Whitey Bulger is.
53. You went to the Swan Boats, House of Seven Gables, or Plymouth Plantation on a field trip in elementary school
54. Bobby Orr is loved as much as Larry Bird, Tom B rady, and Ted Williams.
55. You remember Major Mudd.
56. You know what candlepin bowling is.
57. You can drive to the mountains and the ocean all in one day.
58. You know Scollay Square once stood where Government Center is.
59. When you were a kid, Rex Trailer was the coolest guy around. Speaking of which...
60. You can still hum the song from the end of Boom Town
61. Calling Carrabba's an "Italian" restaurant is sacrilege.
62. You still have your old Flexible Flyer somewhere in your parents' attic.
63. You know that the Mass Pike is some sort of strange weather dividing line.
64. The only time you've been on the Freedom Trail is when relatives are in town.
65. The Big Dig tunnel disaster wasn't really that much of a surprise.
66. You call guys you've just met "Chief" or "Boss."
67. 4:15 pm and pitch black out means there's just 3 more shopping days until Christmas
68. You know more than one person with the last name Murphy
69. You refer to Savin Hill as "Stab 'n Kill."
70. You've never eaten at Durgin Park, but recommend it to tourists.
71. You can't look at the zip code 02134 without singing it.
72. You voted for a Republican Mormon as Governor just to screw with the rest of the country.
73. 11 pm? Drunk? It means one thing: Kowloon!
74. 2 am? Drunk? It means one thing: Kelly's Roast Beef!
75. 5 am? Drunk? It means one thing: You wish you had a blanket in your back seat
76. You know that P-Town isn't the name of a new rap group.
77. People you don't like are all "Bastids."
78. You took school or work off for the Patriots first Super Bowl Win Parade.
79. You've called something "wicked pissa."
80. You'll always get razzed for Dukakis.
81. Saturday afternoons meant Creature Double Feature with Dale Dorman
82. Sunday mornings meant the Three Stooges on Channel 38
83. You've slammed on your brakes to deter a tailgater.
84. No, you don't trust the Gorton's Fisherman.
85. You know that Papa Gino's usually has a jukebox.
86. You think Aerosmith is the greatest rock band of all time.
87. Your town has at least 6 sub shops, and none of them are a Subway.
88. You know at least three Tony's, one Vinnie and a Frankie.
89. 20 degrees isn't that bad as long as there ain't no wind then it gets wicked cold.
90. You were very sad when saying goodbye to the Boston Garden.
91. Thanksgiving means family, turkey, High School football, and the long version of Alice's Restaurant.
92. You know the guy who founded the Boston Pops was Athah Feedlah.
93. You know what the Combat Zone is.
94. You actually drive 45 minutes to New Hampshire to save $5 in sales tax.
95. You've pulled out of a side street and used your car t o block oncoming traffic so you can make a left.
96. You've bragged about the money you've saved at The Christmas Tree Shop.
97. You've been to Hampton Beach on a Saturday night.
98. Playing street hockey was a daily after school ritual.
99. Hearing an old lady shout "Numbah 96 for Sioux City!" means it's time for steak.
100. You remember Jordan Marsh, Filene's, Grants, Bradlees, Caldor, Zayres, or Ann & Hope.
101. You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Massachusetts

New England Weather

New England Temperature Conversion Chart
60 above:
New Yorkers start to turn on the heat.
People in New England plant gardens.

50 above:
Texans shiver uncontrollably.
People in New England sunbathe.

40 above:
Italian cars won't start.
People in New England drive with the windows down.

30 above:
Floridians wear coats, gloves, and woolly hats.
People in New England throw on a sweatshirt.

20 above:
New York landlords turn up the heat again.People in New England have
another
cook-out before it gets cold.

10 above:
People in Miami cease to exist.
People in New England lick the flagpole.

0:
Californians fly to Mexico.
People in New England get out their winter coats.

20 below:
Hollywood disintegrates.
The Girl Scouts in New England begin selling cookies door to door.

30 below:
Polar bears begin to evacuate Antarctica.
New England Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.

40 below:
Mt. St. Helen's freezes.
People in New England rent some videos.

50 below:
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Cows in New England complain of farmers with cold hands.

75 below:
All atomic motion stops.
People in New England say..."Cold 'nuff for ya?"

100 below:
Hell freezes over.
The New England Patriots win the Super Bowl.

Upstate New York Weather Conversion Chart

60 above:
New Jerseyites try to turn on the heat.
People in Upstate New York plant gardens.

50 above:
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Upstate New York sunbathe.

40 above:
Italian & English cars won't start.
People in Upstate New York drive with the windows down.

32 above
Distilled water freezes.
Sacandaga Lake's water gets thicker.

20 above
Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves and woolly hats.
People in Upstate New York throw on a flannel shirt

15 above
Philadelphia landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in Upstate New York have the last cook-out before it gets cold.

0 degrees
People in Miami all die...
Upstaters lick the flagpole.

20 below
Californians fly away to Mexico.
People in Upstate New York get out their winter coats.

40 below
Hollywood disintegrates.
The Girl Scouts in Upstate NY are selling cookies door to door.

60 below
Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic.
Upstate Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.

80 below
Mt. St. Helen's freezes.
People in Upstate NY rent some videos.

100 below
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Upstaters get frustrated because they can't thaw the keg.

297 below
Microbial life no longer survives on dairy products.
Cows in Upstate NY complain about farmers with cold hands.

460 below
ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the Kelvin scale).
People in Upstate NY start saying...."Cold 'nuff for ya?"

500 below
Hell freezes over.
The Buffalo Bills win the Super Bowl.


Scandinavian Humor

Two Norwegians walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Hans, "Dat's dem."
>The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. >BR>"Yeah, we'll takefour of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Sven.
owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Hans and Sven pay for thebirds, leave the shop and get into Sven's pick-up and drive to thetop of the Conor Pass. At the Conor Pass, Sven looks down at the 1000-foot drop and says: "Dis looks like a grand place."
He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Hans watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Hansshakes his head and says: "Dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me."

  -----But WAIT! There's MORE!-----

PART II:

>Moments later Ole arrives up at Conor Pass and he too has been to the pet shop. He walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
"Hi, Hans. Watch dis," Ole says.
He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff.
Hans watches as half way down, Ole takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Ole continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and he's dead.
Hans shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either."

-----But WAIT! There's STILL More!-----

PART III:

Hans is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of which he pulls a chicken. Lars grasps the chicken by the legs holds it over his head and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down, down, down... until he hits the rocks and he's dead too.
Once more Hans shakes his head - "First der was Sven with his budgie jumping, den Ole parrotshooting. And now Lars is hengliding."


State Slogans:


Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat
Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing
California: Bet 30 Of Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet.
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism campaign
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes And 10,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, & very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Whores and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney...
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les Yes, I Speak English)
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family...Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men...And The Sheep Are Scared!

State Motos


ALABAMA
Literacy ain't everything
Ya want fries with dat?
At least we're not Mississippi

ALASKA
Come, freeze your butt off
Colder than a polar bear's patoot
 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!

ARIZONA
Winter home to 150,000 snowbirds
Dehyd-rific!

ARKANSAS
At Least We're not Oklahoma
Send us your contributions, we'll send you our Bill...
Litterasy Ain't Everthing

CALIFORNIA
The Granola State
Nobody's actually from here
Fast reloading lanes available
The really long state
Hey, with this many of us, we can make it legal!
As Seen on TV

COLORADO
Too wimpy to cross the mountains so we stopped here
Official home of the winter ski bunny
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

CONNECTICUT
Way too close to New York
New York City's OTHER Suburb
Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character

DELAWARE
You'll need a map to find us
So close to Washington you can smell it
Parking for Dupont employees only.
(line left blank - Delaware is too small to have a motto)

FLORIDA
The Gunshine State
Elephant Graveyard; where the old Republicans go to die
Senior citizen discounts available
Come, enjoy the humidity
The snow capital of the US
Give me your sick, your old, your rich retirees...
Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Lil' Cuba
Elian slept here

GEORGIA
Home of the Rednecks
Gateway to Florida
Confederate money welcome
We put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism

HAWAII
Sure, we've got Interstates... drive on over
Book 'em Danno
Tom Sellick, Jack Lord, Don Ho - Paradise!
Come, get lai-ed
Try our lei-away program
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your
Money)

IDAHO
Ain't nothing here
We don't care if you spell potato with an "e"
Land of a billion "eyes"
Famous Potatoes ... and Neo-Nazis
And don't even joke about the &%$#)%^ potatoes!
More than just potatoes... Well OK, we're not, but the potatoes sure are
real good

ILLINOIS
Land of the voting dead
Gateway to Iowa

INDIANA
Home of David Letterman
Home of Dan Quayle
2 Billion years tidal wave free

IOWA
Just east of Omaha
It's easy to spell
Land of James T. Kirk

KANSAS
Hayfever capital of the Midwest
Dole slept here
There's no place like home
Ya want flat, we got flat
Don't blame us, we voted for Dole
Toto isn't here anymore
First Of The Rectangle States

KENTUCKY
Tobacco is a vegetable
We're all related
Gateway to Nashville

LOUISIANA
Swim the beautiful Bayou
Cancer Alley's just a name, and names will never hurt you
We're not all drunk Cajun wackos, but that's our tourism campaign

MAINE
For Sale
You can spit on Canada from here
Cheap Lobster

MARYLAND
If it weren't for Washington, you couldn't find us
We're better than Virginia, Damn It!
The best place to get crabs
A thinking man's Delaware

MASSACHUSETTS
Home of the young girls from Nantucket, also the home of Ted Kennedy,
hmmmm...
Taxus Por Un Fortunat Bums
Our taxes are lower than Sweden's (for most tax brackets)

MICHIGAN
Land of the free, home of the Buick
Where cars used to come from
First line of defense from the Canadians

MINNESOTA
Not Sweden, but we try to act like it
Sure beats Canada
Land of 7,000 lakes and 3,000 man-made ponds
For Sale

MISSISSIPPI
We're lucky we can spell it
Why would you want to come here?
Elvis was born here, but heck, even *he* left
Come feel better about your own state

MISSOURI
Loves company...
Your Federal Flood Relief tax dollars at work
Gateway to Kansas
Here's mine, Show Me yours
We're better than Illinois

MONTANA
We've got lots of 10'x10' shacks in the woods
It's where you're wanted.
At least our cows are sane.
Where men are men and sheep are scared...
Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomer, and very little else

NEBRASKA
More corn than Kansas
Go to Kansas, turn north
Not much to look at, but we sure have a lot of it
Ask about our State Motto Contest

NEVADA
More weirdos than Alaska (warmer too)
2 words - Death Valley
3:5 you'll leave broke
We have our own nuclear testing site
Two to one you'll come again!
Whores and Poker!

NEW HAMPSHIRE
Like Old Hampshire, only newer
About as exciting as Vermont
Go away and leave us alone
We're only important every four years

NEW JERSEY
You have the right to remain silent, you have the right to an attorney...
Tell 'em Guido sent ya
The Garbage State
Waste not ... send it here instead
You want a ##$%##! motto?  I got yer ##$%##! motto right here!

NEW MEXICO
Lizards make excellent pets
We have reservations
Alien Welcome Center - Roswell

NEW YORK
At least we're not New Jersey!
We're more than a big city; we're a state
Like we CARE about a motto
English spoken here; sometimes
You lookin' at me?

NORTH CAROLINA
Five million people; Fifteen last names
We're bigger than South Carolina
Furniture out the wazoo
Tobacco is a Vegetable

NORTH DAKOTA
The OTHER South Dakota
Um... We've got... Um...  Dinosaur Bones?  Yeah, Dinosaur Bones!

OHIO
Don't judge us by Cleveland
Proud polluters of Lake Erie
We're easy to spell
The pillow state -- round on both ends, hi in the middle and full of fluff

OKLAHOMA
We're OK, you're NOT!
I don't think we're in Kansas anymore, Toto
Rather sooner than later
Like the play only no singing

OREGON
As pretty as California but not as weird
We're not named after a musical instrument
You can see the sunset from here
Jerry Garcia was here!
Spotted Owl, it's what's for dinner

PENNSYLVANIA
Cook with coal
Free lube job with oil change

RHODE ISLAND
Size ain't everything
Nobody famous came from Rhode Island
We're not REALLY an island

SOUTH CAROLINA
Just south of North Carolina
Settled by prisoners, what do you expect
Remember the Civil War?  We didn't actually surrender

SOUTH DAKOTA
Closer than North Dakota
To rent this space call 1-800-SEE-COWS

TENNESSEE
The Educashun State
Thank goodness we've still got Elvis
A great fixer-upper
To stay here, you'd HAVE to be a Volunteer!

TEXAS
Se Hablo Ingles
See, EVERYTHING is bigger in Texas!
Don't Mess with Texas -- We're Armed

UTAH
Our Jesus is better than your Jesus
At least our sheep can't talk

VERMONT
Bet ya can't name 2 of our towns
Yep

VIRGINIA
Please don't confuse us with West Virginia!
We're better than Maryland, Damn It!
Who says Government stiffs and slackjaw yokels don't mix?

WASHINGTON
We like our state, so STAY OUT!
Keep Washington green, Grow Hemp
If we'd meant DC, we'd have said DC, stupid
Help!  We're overrun by nerds and slackers!

WASHINGTON, D.C.
Wanna Be Mayor?

WEST VIRGINIA
Where "family values" has a different meaning
Well, it sounded better than Eastern Ohio...
One big happy family - Really!

WISCONSIN
Land of funny accents.
Say "Cheeeese"
Wear cheese or die
Come cut our cheese

WYOMING
Where men are lonely and sheep are scared
Flat is where it's at
More elk than people, but not much traffic
Wynot?

Living in Maine

You can live in Maine where........

1. You only have four spices, Sa-alt, peppa, Ketchip, and 'Baasco
2. Halloween costumes fit ova ya pahkaz
3. Moose done right!
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winta, steel winta, ahlmost winta, and constructin


Southerners

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "have" them, you "PITCH" them.

Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess." ...and we ain't given our secrets away to no Yankees

Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."

Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is - as in: "Going to town, be back directly." The Cornish also know this secret, but they 'ain't tellin' either.

Even Southern babies know that "gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.

All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.

Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!

Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.

Only a Southerner, both knows and understands the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We don't do "queues," we do "lines"; and when we're "in line," we talk to everybody!

Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.

When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.

And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart" and go your own way.

To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by our Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your heart!

And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on Southernness as a Second Language!

And last but certainly not least, for those that are NOT born Southern but have lived here for a long, long time, all y'all need a sign to hang on y'alls front porch that reads "I ain't originally from the South, but I got here as fast as I could."


A Nun at the Airport


A NUN WAS SITTING AT THE AIRPORT, WAITING FOR HER FLIGHT TO CHICAGO.
SHE LOOKED OVER IN THE CORNER AND SAW ONE OF THOSE WEIGHT MACHINES THAT TELLS YOUR FORTUNE AND THOUGHT TO HERSELF, "I'LL GIVE IT A TRY AND SEE WHAT IT TELLS ME."
SHE WENT OVER TO THE MACHINE, STEPPED UP ON THE SCALE AND PUT HER NICKEL IN. OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ, "YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, AND YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO."
THE NUN SAT BACK DOWN. SHE TOLD HERSELF THAT THE MACHINE PROBABLY GIVES THE SAME CARD TO EVERYONE. THE MORE SHE THOUGHT ABOUT IT, THE MORE CURIOUS SHE GOT, SO SHE DECIDED TO TRY IT AGAIN. SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE AND AGAIN PUT HER NICKEL IN, AND OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ, "YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO AND YOU ARE GOING TO PLAY A FIDDLE."
THE NUN SAYS TO HERSELF, "I KNOW THAT IS WRONG, I HAVE NEVER PLAYED A
MUSICAL INSTRUMENT EVEN ONCE IN MY LIFE." SHE SAT BACK DOWN.
FROM OUT OF NOWHERE A COWBOY CAME OVER AND SAT DOWN, PUTTING HIS FIDDLE CASE IN THE SEAT BETWEEN THEM. WITHOUT THINKING, SHE OPENED THE COWBOY'S CASE, TOOK OUT THE FIDDLE, AND STARTED PLAYING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC. SURPRISED AT WHAT SHE HAD DONE, SHE LOOKED OVER AT THE MACHINE, THINKING, "THIS IS INCREDIBLE, I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN."
BACK TO THE MACHINE SHE WENT, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL, AND ANOTHER CARD
CAME OUT. IT READ, "YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU ARE GOING CHICAGO AND YOU ARE GOING TO BREAK WIND."
NOW SHE KNOWS THE MACHINE IS WRONG, AS SHE THOUGHT TO HERSELF, "I'VE NEVER BROKEN WIND IN PUBLIC A SINGLE TIME IN MY LIFE",
BUT GETTING DOWN OFF THE MACHINE SHE SLIPPED, AND AS SHE WAS STRAINING TO KEEP HERSELF FROM FALLING TO THE FLOOR, SHE BROKE WIND.
ABSOLUTELY STUNNED, SHE SAT BACK DOWN AND LOOKED AT THE MACHINE. SHE SAID TO HERSELF, THIS IS TRULY REMARKABLE! I HAVE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN. " SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL, AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT. IT READ, "YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU HAVE FIDDLED AND FARTED AROUND AND MISSED YOUR FLIGHT TO CHICAGO."

Miami Beach

After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together. Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix-up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain.

Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address. His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife whose even older husband had died only the day before! When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead. Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:

Dearest wife, Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow. -Your loving husband.
PS - Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.



Return to the Car Port