Free Lunch Studios

Tom Gordon

Tom Gordon's Blother

August 4, 2006

Ooh, ooh! Succubi! Or is that succubuses? NO! SUCCUBI! By gum, America needs less people loudly belaboring the obvious ("...whew, it's sure hot today!") and more gratuitous usage of irregular plurals! Or plurae! Likewise, less dorky role-playing speculation about why underclothed soul-drainin' demonesses (or demonessi!) would writhe their way out of the Abyss' curiously numbered strata and into a clearly high-tech futuristic society (the Cthuloid medallion? Change of scenery? Ridding the multiverse of Ted Kennedy's bloated, cybernetically prolonged carcass once and for all?), and MORE shrugging indifference to my tortured online efforts at racy imagemongery and drivelicious prose! YES! Give me your apathy now! I WANT IT!

Ahem. Anyway, for some reason, I always get more Photoshop-hypnotized fooling around with crazed light/color alpha channel arrangements (like this), than when I'm just doing vanilla rendering. No doubt it's probably 'cause that part of the process doesn't require quite as much vein-protruding-from-forehead 'grunt' work -- once all those tedious illumination masks are saved in, I can then just kick back, tweak on-screen levers and watch all the jazzy colors whirl about, maaaaaan. Presumably, this would've also been the proper time to load up the bong with herbal tea, set the ol' iPod to non-stop Floyd and otherwise behave like a Deep Artist™ should -- incoherent and retarded. But alas, I've never tuned in, dropped out, nor even fallen down.

Indeed, that was an unfunny running joke during my first month at college. Since yours truly sported a tangled mass of long hair and a regular state of befuddled confusion back then -- check 'em out, Jasmine, that dude MUST be a stoner! -- before long, he soon found himself adopted by a little clique of -- gasp! -- hippies. I must admit their company was a welcome distraction from other crucial plans going on at the time, like oh, deciding whether to mail severed bits of my anatomy to a girl I was still in love with back home, or to just commit gruesome suicide already. Or (if it could be managed) both. Ah, the Good Olde Days!

But -- just when it seemed I was going to earn the dual Life Enriching Experiences of a thoroughly THC-saturated brain AND some serious snuggletime with Crumb-styled granola wimmin -- like a fool, like an imbecile, like a DailyKos contributor, I just had to start blabbing to my new 'family' about the recently-announced Macintosh II, and Ayn Rand's whimsy-filled tales of hardassed rapist-anarchist-architects. Whereupon I was summarily ejected from their dank-smelling nest with such force it almost qualified as a Sam Raimi sequence.

Oh, later I'd also get an invite from goths, metalheads, computer geeks and 'miscellaneous' -- and their subsequent boot upon confessing complete ignorance of Bauhaus, Burton, BBS's and Beer, respectively. But by then, everybody had so much effin' schoolwork to do that anything resembling a 'social life' was strictly out of the question.

(Yes, I'm hella bitter. Dammit, I always wanted to wake up in a pool of my own vomit!)

phjear my pixel art skillZ!

In other unrelated news, looks like Fidel Castro's finally on the way out. Which would be more significant if his long-overdue departure also meant the death knell for international socialism, once and for all. But like his ideological brother in primitive thuggery disguised as 'popular resistance' wank -- one Yasser Arafat -- his presence isn't really necessary anymore: the damage is already done.

Nevertheless, while I sincerely believe the man is a contemptible bastid who should've died in quite messy fashion at the hands of his own people decades ago, I also think it's imperative that America's leaders immediately find out what's medically wrong with the megalomaniacal scumbag, and then invite him into to the US to receive treatment!

Oh, the good folks in Miami will howl with indignation -- and they surely have every right to do so. I also rather doubt American doctors will be able to cure the malady presently afflicting the commie coot. But just look what such a pointless gesture accomplishes! In one shot it (1) clearly illustrates capitalism's superiority (obviously Cuba's much-hyped 'free health care' system didn't cut the mustard, eh comrade?), (2) makes our old enemy look like a hypocritical tool, (3) paves the way for improved relations with his successor (and resentful imitators elsewhere) and (4) earns the United States some good PR with the so-called 'international community' -- who regularly fawn over tyrannical dictators like they're freakin' Lindsay Lohan or something.

So write your congresscritter today! Tell 'em YOU want Fidel Castro to spend the next ten years alive, healthy and eating large helpings of crow!
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