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Hello, I'm Lola Montoya, for CBN NewsBites.
It has become an all-too-familiar sight in recent years: roads filled with thousands of refugees -- from Norway to the Siberian Union to Alaska -- escaping the frozen white leviathan now descending from the north. The dreaded Arctic glacier.
Meanwhile, those of us in warmer climes are purchasing black-market wool and fur, unpatriotically doctoring our DOE watchdog meters and cranking up the thermostat past Federally Mandated Levels. With present fuel restrictions in place, stories of unscrupulous "woodleggers" breaking into our sacred National Preserves and selling burnable tree flesh on the Infonet are becoming quite common.
So it begs the question: why IS it getting colder outside?
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Dr. Elijah Lafayette, professor of Natural Philosophy at Thomas Paine University, has an explanation.
"It's been known since the late 1800's that the sun was already in a state of decreased solar output, consistent with cycles of climatic changes we call the Ice Ages. What clearly, and most ironically, accelerated the process here were anti-industrial decrees imposed on developing nations during the last century... to allegedly curtail the ludicrous boogeyman of 'global warming.' This was a shameful period where researchers courted public relations departments, and regularly competed for grant dollars by fabricating the most frightening doomsday scenarios, without scientific consensus or peer review.
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"But media/culture of that time quickly took the bait. Inane tales circulated, of a future world submerged under waters of MELTED ice caps! And reactionaries of all stripes found another avenue to impugn humanity's works.
"Eventually, politicians listened to their noise. World development was forcibly reigned in by the UN, through a series of prohibitive edicts. 'Natural resources' were wrested away, factories downscaled or shut down, IC-mobiles outlawed. Soon all that precious waste heat -- generated by purposeful activity, mind you -- fell by the wayside, and everything got a LOT cooler.
"To hordes of privileged, well-fed Westerners, eager to 'save the planet,' dragging the Third World back into squalor and famine had ALWAYS been a perfectly justifiable endeavor anyway. Witness their previous abolition of genetically modified food, growth harmones, pesticides.
"Green imperialism. Plain and simple."
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EarthSafe International director Cyrus Dorn rejects this claim.
"Hah. Typical bourgeois demagoguery... from an self-righteous animal torturer. Isn't it truly obvious now that what we call 'science' is little more than a futile game, played by rich white patriarchs at the expense of the poor? This cold weather is once again Nature defending herself from predations of a human virus run amuck, defiling her soil, besmirching her waters.
"When we finally learn to cultivate a new worldview of man as an inherent menace to this planet, when we abandon the destructive idols of technology and return to a frugal existence in small agrarian villages, tending soybeans and vegetables and collectively living in unchanging harmony with the Earth, just like our ancestors did for thousands of years... THEN, perhaps, I think the ice may retreat."
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Nevertheless, Eve McCracken of SkyCastle Inc. has proposed an interesting, if fanciful, alternative solution.
Build a series of mirrors in space, and direct the reflected solar energy to those areas affected by the freeze. Ms. McCracken adds that the mirrors could also be used later as an effective means of power transmission to the surface, affording electricity once again to cities hit hard by recent mandatory plant shutdowns.
She even postulates a time when such a system might be necessary as a defensive weapon... to intercept asteroids on a collision course with our planet.
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Unfortunately such lofty objectives -- indeed, the very existence of McCracken's company -- continue to meet concerted resistance from EarthSafe activists, Congressional Greens and RepubliDems, and President Gale.
But it's quite possible their objections may ultimately prove to be a moot point. For if alluring fashion statements like THIS await us five years, ten years down the road, then we ALL may as well be living on the Moon!
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