Central Broadcasting Network

Hello. And welcome to CBN NewsBites. I'm Lola Montoya.

And I'm Wink McBink. Our top story tonight... after weeks of partisan bickering by Congressional RepubliDems and the Green majority, the "Children Protection Act" has finally passed into law with President Robert Gale's signature. The CPA will give every state the power to regulate content upon the Infonet, supervised by a newly-formed coalition of federally-approved schoolteachers, ecologists, religious leaders and sociologists. President Gale, speaking at a fundraising dinner in South Manhattan, had this to say:


"After a chaotic century of global disruption brought about by the Infonet and its predatory subculture of criminals, technophiles and extremists, I'm pleased to say the United States at last joins the rest of civilized world in cleansing this monstrous haven of anti-social hate speech and sin forever. The historic passage of the CPA reaffirms America's sacred commitment towards ensuring the PROPER educational development of America's children. And their children's children."


Jawaharlal Jones, freelance codesmith and administrator of the antigovernment Infonet publication "MYOFB", had a different perspective on the matter:

"...those [BLEEP]ing neo-Luddite jerks on Capitol Hill are nothing more than a jack-booted gang of [BLEEP]ing thugs. They've managed to turn the good 'ol US of A into one [BLEEP]ing prison camp. Small wonder they NOW want to nationalize the Infonet as well... where ELSE can you find any organized opposition to their draconian [BLEEP]? Of course, these are the same [BLEEP]ers that also repealed the Second, Fourth and Fifth amendments under the pretense of 'protecting' America's little brats. So I guess one more won't make any difference, eh?"


In other news, the private space company SkyCastle Inc. suffered a major setback when its "Phoenix" prototype launch vehicle was damaged by a pipe bomb last night. Formed by ex-astronaut Evelyn McCracken after the Gaia Treaty scrapped NASA eleven years ago, SkyCastle has come under fire in recent weeks by federal agencies and EarthSafe International, the environmental activist organization responsible for Green electoral sweeps in the US Legislature. Following the bombing, we asked Ms. McCracken and her chief engineer Kazuhiro Maru if the growing public opposition would set back SkyCastle's timetable:


"Not at all. We have an entire generation out there completely indoctrinated with this idea that Mama Terra should always be the eternal home of our species, that human exploration and adventure is an outdated, oppressive social construct, that the best we can hope for is managed decline. Once the Phoenix's maiden voyage is successfully completed, I believe America will once again discover that our future truly belongs among the stars. Mr. Maru?"

"Well, I think I should also add there's a FINANCIAL bonanza up there as well: cheap energy, ideal manufacturing conditions, precious metals, tourism, scientific research, the list goes on and on. Anyone willing to invest the venture capital in SkyCastle's commercial space development will be SWIMMING in money within a few years. Believe me, I KNOW this to be true."


I don't know, Lola, I think Mr. Maru sounds like a sleazy used electromobile dealer to me.

Hahaha. Well, we'll just have to wait and see how it all turns out, won't we, Wink? Coming up next on CBN NewsBites: will The Ice EVER stop? Thousands of Alaskan refugees swarm into the People's Republic of Canada as the latest Arctic advance buries the state.

And we'll have Geri Gonzales' special report on Really Safe Education: do guard towers, mandatory uniforms and random strip-searches inside our public schools REALLY improve study habits? Or are even more stronger measures needed?