Column 83 for May 20, 2001

Friendship. I’ve been thinking about friendship a lot lately. Like us all, I grew up with a certain concept of friendship. I remember many childhood friends: Joey Butts and Nancy Christian were the earliest, from back around kindergarten and first grade. Over the years I’ve made many acquaintances, and many friends too, but the friends were far fewer in number than the acquaintances. I think that’s the way it should be.

Becoming an acquaintance comes first. Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914), an American author, put it this way; "Acquaintance. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to." Yup, there is a difference between an acquaintance and a friend. Sometimes we mistakenly identify an acquaintance as a friend.

I remember back about eight years ago. My wife (now ex) and I did considerable business with one of the local banks here in town, and she owed them a considerable amount of money. We considered ourselves "friends" with the bank president. A visit to the bank always resulted in coffee and a good visit in the "big" office. Many things were discussed, and my wife and I even asked about our "friend" standing up for her daughters’ confirmation in the church. Financially things got tough and suddenly no more coffee and the "assistants" intercepted every call. Never saw the man again. We live and learn. By the way, I changed banks!

We really can’t make friends of our own accord. It’s something that just develops. William Wordsworth (1770-1850) the famous English poet, in a letter dated 1803 said, "I am already kindly disposed towards you. My friendship it is not in my power to give: this is a gift which no man can make, it is not in our own power: a sound and healthy friendship is the growth of time and circumstance, it will spring up and thrive like a wildflower when these favour, and when they do not, it is in vain to look for it." Sometimes friendship springs up when we least expect it.

At what point does an acquaintance become a friend? It can happen rather quickly or sometimes over years. To me, it begins to happen when the trust increases to a point that intimate thoughts are shared back and forth without fear. Friendship really blossoms when you "know" you can count on a person to stick by you through thick and thin. A real friend becomes someone that accepts you "for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health." Sound familiar? True friendship, to me, although not exclusive, IS very similar to the relationship described in those oft-used marriage vows.

I’ve quoted often this week, and I want to close with one more, from our first President, George Washington: "Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence. True friendship is a plant of slow growth, and must undergo and withstand the shocks of adversity before it is entitled to the appellation."

Yes, I agree with George. Make acquaintances easily, but friends cautiously. Peace. tomiswho@mindspring.com