Myrkury wrote in article <01bc2f3a$9713d800$781f67cf@myrk>...
>Oh my best beloved, when the world was young and things were still new
>there were Yeti roaming the face of the earth and the Yeti were creative
>and charming and could perform reasonably difficult long division problems
>in their heads. The Yeti had little division of labor for although most
>of them were musicians and poets and artists and writers of prose they
>were also skilled at the mechanical arts of civilization. In any
>gathering of Yeti one could surely find a Yeti-mobile mechanic or a short
>order cook or, "BOB" forbid, a sysop. But there was one group of Yeti who
>were shunned by the others, a group of "untouchables". These were the
>warrior Yeti. For the Yeti did need warriors as any civilization does,
>especially one that existed when the world was young and the extra
>radiation from the sun allowed Glorps to develop past the familiar larval
>stage into full fledged adulthood. Out of necessity the warrior Yeti were
>not given training in the arts or even the sciences. For if they
>appreciated the finer things how could they destroy them without a
>moment's hesitation should the need arise? So the warrior Yeti were kept
>apart from the others. Not by any mandate but by a seemingly mutual
>arrangement. The regular Yeti found the warrior Yeti to be rather
>unsophisticated and incapable of appreciating the finer things in life and
>the warrior Yeti just didn't feel very welcome. Usually the warrior
>Yeti's feelings of rejection just caused them to spend time in the company
>of their own kind, drinking prodigeous quantities of Fropweiser. But
>occasionnaly the injustice of it all would overcome a particular warrior
>Yeti and he or she would go to a regular Yeti party and kick the crap out
>of everyone there. This situation continued for a while until the regular
>Yeti just got fed up with the behavior of the warrior Yetis. The regular
>Yeti said to themselves, "Why can't these folks just learn to act like all
>the other Yeti? Even if they don't understand the finer things in life
>they should at least respect them. And anyway all they do for the most
>part is laze about at our expense waiting for a war. Now that we have our
>impenetrable domed fortress who needs them?" So the warrior Yetis were
>rounded up for reeducation. Now nobody likes to be reeducated,
>particularly Yetis. So many of the warrior Yeti fled down off of the
>Tibetan plateau and dyed their hair brownish black and hid out among the
>apelike ancestors of todays merehumes.
>Now back up on the plateau the remaining Yetis were very pleased with
>themselves. Having purged their society of malcontents they could focus
>on developing individualism into a fine art. Now don't think that these
>Yeti were helpless or without arms. For it was they who had designed and
>built the warrior Yeti's armament in the first place. The regular Yeti
>began practicing the martial arts, but being artistically inclined they
>eventually stylized the various killing and maiming techniques of the
>warrior Yeti into harmless and dancelike rituals. But the force dome
>protected them
>Now a thousand years had passed since the Yetis had expelled their warrior
>brethren when they recieved a strange visitor. He simply appeared one
>day, hairless but for the top of his head and bearing great white
>rectangular teeth in his mouth. He frightened the little Yetis terribly
>but the grown up Yeti were usually willing to give a stranger the benefit
>of the doubt. So this stranger was invited to dinner at the great annual
>Yeti dinner party (held every night of the week.) He was charming and
>pleasant and spoke fluent Yeti and by the time dinner was over the whole
>of Yetikind called him freind, especially because his name was entirely
>unpronounceable (remember my best beloved, that all purebred Yeti have
>hairlips and cannot say words like "pop" or "mom",) the best the Yeti
>could do with it was "[spit]-OO-[spit] DOO[spit]S." Well "freind" (do you
>know who he really is Oh my best beloved?) told the Yeti that he was in
>need of frop. Alot of frop, in fact every last bit of frop the Yeti could
>spare. Now "freind" didn't want the Yeti to just give him their frop out
>of the kindness of their hearts, no he was a good fella, a real mensch.
>"Freind" was willing to give the Yeti a brand new fusion reactor in
>exchange for their frop. Now the Yeti, knowing that frop was a renewable
>resource unlike the plutonium-666 they used to power their force dome,
>snapped up "freind"'s deal. "Friend" even offered to install the reactor
>in the force dome control center for no additional charge. And so the
>next day the Yeti saw off their new "freind" pleased as punch that they
>would no longer need to refuel their reactor to maintain their force dome.
> All they had to do was follow "freind"'s instructions and add 1 cup of
>seawater every 300 years.
>The next day the used World War I submarine batteries that J.R. "BOB"
>Dobbs had sold the Yeti gave out and the force dome came crashing down.
>Now the Yeti kicked themselves for being hoodwinked by "freind" and
>especially because they had given him a brand new Yeti-mobile for doing
>them the favor of hauling off their old reactor. Without their force dome
>the Yeti were in big trouble. They argued and bickered over what to do
>until a wise old Yeti said: "Maybe we should go see if there are any
>warrior Yeti left?" The other Yeti sneered at him, saying "Look, we may
>be in trouble but ask those philistines for help? NEVER! Anyway there
>probably aren't any of them left. After all they were just parasites who
>lived off of our work, how long could they possibly survive on their
own?"
> And so the Yeti began to experiment with all kinds of weapons and war
>making apparatus. They were especially good at genetic engineering and so
>they built all kinds of horrible monsters, which are, O best beloved, the
>dragons and basilisks of legend. The Yeti used an orbital mind control
>laser to direct their beasts of war. The other races started making
>constant forays against the now domeless Yeti but they were driven back
>time and again by the Yeti's genetically engineered war beasts.
> Now the wise old Yeti who had been laughed at before was greatly
>concerned. He had and awful premonition that the war beasts would
>eventually abandon or worse, turn against, their creators. The wise old
>Yeti knew that the only things that Yetis could count on to defend them
>were other Yeti. So he set off down the plateau to the jungles where the
>warrior Yeti were rumoured to still live. As he reached the edge of the
>Yeti city the younger Yeti called out "Hey man, can we have your record
>collection and your comic books!" The old Yeti just ignored them and kept
>going.
> Now the warrior Yeti who had escaped reeducation had hidden among the
>apelike premerehumes of the lowlands. Over the course of time they had
>interbred with the premerehumes and come to look much like them. But
>their Yeti blood was still strong and they knew who they were and were
>proud. They practiced their craft constantly, often manipulating the
>premerehume tribes into senseless conflict with each other for the
>purposes of refining strategic and tactical theories. They remembered
>their Yeti heritage, of which they were very proud, and their exodus from
>their homeland, about which they were very bitter. They remembered in
>song and ritual, Oh my best beloved do you think the ancient sagas and
>epics were the works of merehumes? Even though the warrior Yeti were pale
>shadows of the other Yeti in their creative prowess they were still by far
>more intelligent than their premerehume associates. So when one day an
>old and travel worn Yeti washed up, barely alive, on the bank of a now
>dried up river and was spotted by a descendant of the warrior Yeti he was
>immediately recognized. The old Yeti was taken to the nearest encampment
>of warrior Yeti who immediately began to dress his wounds and nurse him
>back to health. While the old Yeti was recovering the warrior Yeti who
>lived in that particular encampment sent out runners to all the other Yeti
>warrior groups to tell them the news of the mysterious arrival of a
>purebred Yeti. By the time the old Yeti had recovered enough to speak the
>encampment where he was lodged was overflowing with representatives of all
>the other warrior Yeti clans. The warrior Yeti had already begun to
>discuss what significance this event had. Some of them thought that the
>old Yeti was likely a spy sent to locate the warrior Yeti so they could be
>reeducated, others speculated that the Yetis had been wiped out by the
>Glorps and that the old Yeti was the last survivor.
>When the old Yeti was well enough to speak all the most respected and
>powerful warrior Yeti assembled to hear him speak. Now the old Yeti could
>barely contain his revultion at the digusting result of interbreeding with
>the hairless ape creatures and couldn't help but notice the vague
>resemblance of the interbred Yeti to the strange visitor "freind." But
>the old Yeti was not one to let appearances get in the way of his mission,
>which , after all, was the salvation of his species. So he explained the
>perdicament of the Yeti remaining on the Plateau and asked the warrior
>Yeti to return with him to take up their old jobs and secure the peace for
>Yetikind once again. The assembled Yeti warriors listened in silence and
>when the old man was done speaking the most senior and powerful among them
>rose and intoned the ancient phrase that meant that the old man should
>leave for a time and let the warriors discuss the matter among themselves
>"I'll have my girl call your girl."
>The assembled Yeti warriors argued into the night. many of the younger
>ones advocated returning to the plateau where they could be purged of
>their premerehume genes and restored to full Yetiness and once again live
>out the lives of the ancient Yeti warriors that were remembered so well in
>their epics and sagas. The older Yeti warriors worried that this might be
>a trick and reminded the young ones of the abuse they had suffered at the
>hands of those they were now so eager to rush to defend. But in the end
>all Yeti warrior live to defend their homeland and fellow Yeti so it was
>agreed that they would return to the plateau en masse to once again take
>up their place in Yeti society. So they called the old Yeti back into
>their council and informed him of their decision. They would leave the
>next morning to return to the Plateau.
>Now back up on the plateau the other Yeti had completly forgotten about
>the old Yeti and his quest. His record collection and comic books had
>long since been snapped up at a garge sale held by his ungrateful
>Yetibrats. The war beasts had been fabulously successful and the gene
>labs where they were manufactured had begun devoting most of their time to
>making the beasts more aesthetically pleasing. All the fasionable Yeti
>kept a war beast or two as a housepet. In fact warbeast poop was
>beggining to be a problem as were stray and uncared for warbeasts. So the
>Yeti council decided that it was about time that the warbeasts were
>managed in some way and instituted the office of warbeastcatcher. The
>warbeastcatcher's job was to drive around in a Yeti-mobile and capture all
>the stray war beasts and take them back to the gene labs for recycling.
>Now this was a good idea but lead to all kinds of emotional scenes when a
>Yeti family's beloved warbeast was accidentally recycled. This made the
>warbeastcatcher a less than popular figure around town and he was
>determined to find a way to do his job without risking the ire of a little
>Yetibrat whose gorgon wound up in the protoplasm vats after she let it off
>its leash in the park. He needed some way of distinguishing domestic and
>stray warbeasts that would be highly visible and would be agreeable to
>both warbeasts and their owners. He tried collars but nobody would agree
>on any particular style. Then an idea hit him, he would ask that all
>domestic warbeasts be adorned with a shiny metal hat. Every Yeti kitchen
>had tinfoil in it so he sent out a mass memo to all the Yeti telling them
>that as of next tuesday all domestic warbeasts would be required to wear
>tin foil hats.
>By some strange coincidence the old Yeti and the Yeti warriors arrived on
>top of the plateau on tuesday afternoon. Most of the Yeti's city lay in
>ruins and the yeti who had not been gobbled up by their pet warbeasts the
>moment the tinfoil hats had blocked the effect of the orbital mind control
>lasers had fled to the old residence halls of the warrior Yeti. They were
>trapped inside and could not fight their way out, but were safe for the
>time being as the ancient homes of the warrior Yeti had been built to
>their tastes which generally ran to 10 foot thick windowless concrete slab
>construction. The old Yeti and the warrior Yeti at first thought that
>they were too late. The old Yeti just sat down and started to cry. The
>warrior Yeti gave him a funny look and with howls and yelps set upon the
>warbeasts. By sunset every last warbeast was sizzling on a spit over an
>open fire as the warrior Yeti wolfed down great slabs of greasy warbeast
>meat topped with gallons of Winking Lizard sauce. Now the Yeti who had
>fled into the old warrior residence halls noticed that the warbeasts were
>no longer battering the walls and doors and assumed that they had gone off
>down the plateau to get something to eat. They opened the door a crack
>and peered out onto the ruins of their homes. They felt no releif for
>while there were no warbeasts to be seen on the plateau they had been
>replaced by hideous monsters which looked like some sort of hairless cross
>between a Yeti and a monkey. Eventually one of the braver Yeti walked out
>to where the warrior Yeti were feasting. He was greeted with whoops and
>cheers for the worrior Yeti were even more pleased with themselves because
>while they had destroyed the warbeasts they were under the impression that
>they had arrived too late to save any of the others. The young Yeti could
>barely believe what the warrior Yeti told him but when the old Yeti
>emerged from the crowd to demand the return of his records and comic books
>the truth of the matter was confirmed. The young Yeti sounded the all
>clear and the other Yeti survivors emerged from their hiding places. It
>was one big happy reunion and soon the kegs of Fropweiser had been tapped
>and everyone gorged themselves on roasted warbeast sandwiches.
>Now not all the warbeasts had remained on the Plateau to be destroyed by
>the warrior Yeti, some HAD gone off to the lowlands in search of food.
>Eventually one was captured by some Glorps who quickly figured out what
>had happened. The Glorps sent a salvage team up to the plateu thinking
>the Yeti had been completely wiped out. When the salvage team got to the
>edge of the Plateau they were surprised to see the Yeti busily rebuilding
>their city. They were even more surprised when a troop of Yeti warriors
>appeared out of nowhere to slice them to ribbons. Not all the glorps were
>killed though. One glorp, who was such a coward that he ran away even
>before the warrior Yeti attacked, made it back to Glorp City with his
>report. The report was generally true except for the part about
>singlehandedly fighing off 3000 of the new monkeylike warbeasts that the
>Yeti were using for protection. The glorps were concerned by this report
>for their enemies the Yeti were apparently rebuilding. The glorps decided
>that they should mount a full scale attack on the plateau as soon as
>possible. They assembled their armeis replete with several captured
>warbeasts (controlled by radio broadcasts from a secret base on the dark
>side of the moon) and set off towards Tibet.
>Now as the glorp army was approaching the plateau things were not going
>too well amongst the Yeti. The warrior Yeti wanted the others to rebuild
>the genelabs first while the Yeti preferred to rebuild their studios and
>cafes first. The Yeti had also begun to grow annoyed with the boisterous
>habits of the warriors, especially their tendency to spill Fropweiser all
>over everything. Quickly the old animosity between the two groups emerged
>and was in fact worse as this time there was an obvious physical
>distinction between the warrior Yeti and the regular Yeti. The warrior
>Yeti, when not on patrol, began to spend all their time in the old
>residential compound. The regular Yeti were quick to forget that they
>owed their lives to the warriors and spent quite a bit of time complaining
>the the warriors weren't helping enough with the rebuilding efforts. That
>the warriors were dirty and smelly. Some Yeti even began questioning
>whether the gene labs should be rebuilt at all, for if the genes of the
>warrior Yeti were restored how could a regular Yeti tell which was which?
>Heaven forbid a girl Yeti should accidently fall in love or even screw a
>warrior Yeti. So the situation on the plateau was quite tense when a
>perimiter scout announced the arrival of an enourmous glorp army. The
>warrior Yeti quickly analized the situation and realized that with the
>remaining warbeasts the glorps would actually stand a chance of defeating
>the warrior Yeti, for even though they possesed much of the strength and
>speed of their ancestors the interbreeding with the premerehumes had
>weakened them.
>The warrior Yeti told the other Yeti about the situation and asked them to
>provide cover fire while the warriors engaged the enemy. The Yeti were
>aghast at the idea of getting into a real fight and told the warrior Yeti
>"We feed you and let you spill Fropweiser all over the place and now its
>time for you to keep up your end of the bargain and you still want us to
>do the work?" and the warrior Yeti said "If you had repaired the gene labs
>first like we had asked then we would have been able to take care of this
>on our own. But look, if you don't help out here we're ALL FUCKED so just
>show up and lay down some cover fire for us ok?" and the regular Yeti said
>"Yah, sure, okelly dokelly." So the warrior Yeti marched bravely off to
>face the enemy.
>Now back on top of the plateau the Yeti were talking amongst themselves.
>They were very worried for they knew that the warriors would not have
>asked for help if it wasn't absolutely necessary. So they talked and
>formed a committe and worked on a consencus until shortly before the hour
>they were supposed to move out and begin laying down cover fire for the
>warrior Yeti. At this time the old Yeti could not contain himself any
>longer. He rose and adressed the other Yeti "Look, these folks have saved
>our ass once already, even after what we did to them. They're marching
>out to save us again even though we treat them like shit and haven't even
>decided whether or not we're going to keep our end of the bargain by
>restoring their genes. Now since they are trying to save us, we should
>really go give them a hand." Immediately after the old Yeti finished
>speaking a young Yeti jumped up, this particular Yeti, Oh my best beloved,
>was in fact the son of the old Yeti, who had sold his comics and records,
>and said "Look, why don't we kill two deros with one stronium bomb here.
>We should let the Glorps and the warrior Yeti wipe each other out and then
>we should be more than capable of finishing off whoever is left. I'm
>going to go hide in the warrior's residential compound until the fighting
>dies down." With that all the Yetis got up and marched with the young
>Yeti to hide in the old residence halls. The old Yeti sadly shook his
>head, picked up his antique lithium dischagre particle accelerator and
>went off to face his death an honorable Yeti.
>Now the fight on the slopes of the plateau was not going well for the
>Yeti. The warriors had chosen a site to make their stand based on the
>assumption that the other Yeti would be providing cover fire from the rim
>of the plateau. Without this support they were being wiped out. By the
>time the old Yeti reached them with the news of the other Yetis' cowardice
>more than two thirds of their number were dead or mortally wounded.
>Quickly the warrior Yeti commanders conferred with each other. They
>decided that there was no hope of victory, but if they were to retreat
>then the Glorp army, unbroken, would pursue every last Yeti purebred or
>hybrid to the ends of the earth to ensure their destruction. The warrior
>Yetis decided that now was the time to utilize their most terrible weapon,
>the Eikniwt Ssetsoh. A weapon so ancient and terrible thaty it had been
>kept a secret from all but a few select warrior Yeti. A weapon that once
>triggered would explode in a toxic fireball that would lay waste to
>thousands of square miles and render them uninhabitable for 100,000 years.
> It was decided that the warrior Yetis would retreat to the top of the
>plateau where they would trigger the countdown on the Eikniwt Ssetsoh.
>Then the Yeti warriors would divide into two groups. One small group
>would remain behind and engage the glorp army to make sure that they were
>on the plateau when the Eikniwt Ssetsoh went off, while the rest of the
>remaining Yeti warriors would evacuate as many of the remaining Yeti as
>they could.
>The evacuation team rounded up every operable Yeti-mobile they could find
>and searched the city for the other Yetis. They found those who had been
>to sick or old or young to have been called to defend their homes. They
>found some artists who were so absent minded that they had absolutely no
>idea what had been going on. They found some Yeti who were so fropped up
>that they gad passed out or were wandering about in a daze. They even
>found the warbeastcatcher, who had been in hiding since his little
>"tinfoil hat" idea had blown up in his face. The warrior Yeti even
>evacuated the home for retarded and defective Yeti. But when they,
>despite their best judgement, went to their old residence halls to
>evacuate the rest the Yeti who were inside would not open the doors. For
>the young Yeti, the son of the wise old Yeti, had convinced them that the
>warriors had clearly won the battle in a rout and were now seeking to
>avenge themselves for the treachery of the other Yeti. The warrior Yeti
>banged on the door and plead with those inside to come out. Even the wise
>old Yeti appealed to those inside to allow themselves to be saved. But
>they would not come out. Eventually the Yeti warriors and those few
>evacuees they had located had to leave if they were going to escape the
>blast zone. With tears in their eyes, for they knew it was the end of
>their civilization, they left the great majority of the Yetis cowering
>like rats in their bunkers.
>The warriors sped away from the Plateau, already composing songs about the
>bravery of those who stayed behind to battle the glorp army until they
>would all be destroyed by the Eikniwt Ssetsoh. They pushed the
>Yeti-mobiles until the engines gave out and they came to rest in a small
>clearing near the encampment where the wise old Yeti had first been found
>by the warrior Yeti. Moments after landing the survivors were thrown to
>the ground by the force of the blast. A blast so powerful that the
>resulting dust blocked out so much solar radiation that the remaining
>adult glorps around the world died instantly (Now remember, Oh my best
>beloved, that the larval form of the glorp can survive without solar
>radiation, even unto sexual maturity. Which is why we still have glorps
>to this day, but remember to thank those brave Yeti warriors who died up
>on the plateau because otherwise you might know what an adult glorp looks
>like.)
>When they got up and dusted themselves off the warrior Yeti adressed the
>cowering remnants of Yetikind "You folks just can't seem to help but fuck
>us over. All we ever wanted was to be left alone and once in a while kick
>some ass. Not just kick some ass, but to kick the asses of those who
>messed with Yetis. Well we've had it up to here with you, so you're on
>your own from now on. These ape girls are easy and the premerehumes will
>trade food and shelter for your slack so you should be able to get by as
>long as you shave your bodies and dye your hair brownish black." With
>those words the Yeti warriors began to march off into the woods leaving
>the Yeti to fend for themselves. But the wise old Yeti jumped up and
>shouted "Excuse me, but the Yeti who fucked you over all got blown up back
>on the plateau. I for one did everything I could and those who you were
>able to rescue may not have been there to help in the fight, but they
>weren't supposed to anyway. Look at us, we're a bunch of old folks, kids,
>frop heads, artists and spazzes. How are we going to make it on our own?
>Have mercy!" Well the warrior Yetis paused for a moment and then one of
>them said "I'll have my girl call your girl" and the warrior Yeti
>dissappeared into the woods.
> The remaining Yeti huddled together in the clearing, terrified of their
>unfamilliar surroundings. They remained that way for three days and
>nights until a messenger from the warrior Yeti arrived. He looked at the
>pathetic remnants of his once proud race and shook his head. He got their
>attention and informed them of the descision of the warrior Yeti council
>"You are not those who have harmed us, but it seems that we will always be
>treated shabbily by your kind, for you cannot seem to help but despise
>those who are not as witty or creative as you are. Perhaps one day you
>will learn to despise your enemies and love your freinds, but until then
>you are on your own. We will no longer provide your community with
>protection. You have the brains and the skills to live off of the
>premerehumes and if you do not, you are better off dead. Now in light of
>the bravery and decency of one among you" the warrior Yeti bowed toward
>the wise old Yeti "we shall come to the aid of you and your progeny when
>we deign necessary. But we will not respond to your calls nor will we
>always be there for you. OK BYE BYE."
>
>And so the Yeti survivors lived among the premerehumes and eventually
>interbred with them untill such a time as they were nearly
>undistinguishable from them. The only differnce being that the
>descendants of the Yeti would always know they were somehow different and
>better than the merehumes. And like their Yeti ancestors todays Yetisyn
>are often fropheads or artists or spazzes for almost all of the healthy
>normal Yeti perished in their cowardice. The warrior Yeti also lived among
>the merehumes. They too have forgotten where they came from and are
>nearly indistinguishable from merehumes. Unlike other Yetisyn the
>descendants of the warrior Yeti are not always distinguished by
>exceptional talent or intelligence. They seem to have an easier time
>fitting in with the merehumes because they excel at violence and thuggery
>the two most important character traits among the merehumes. But the
>Yetiwarriorsyn does not see their prowess as an end in itself and will
>often feel as if their life is meaningless. For they truly long,
>somewhere deep in their genes and hearts, to be among their own kind.
>They wish to keep company with other Yeti and enjoy once again the arts
>and wit of Yetikind.
>
>So all you Yeti out there, remember that football player who protected you
>from the other jocks? The bloated Alabama state trooper who said "Aw
>hell, this yankee's kinda cute boys.. lets lynch the next one" The drill
>Seargant who let you keep a little of your slack while he tortured the
>other inductees? Well they were more than likely the Descendants of Yeti
>warriors. So you should be nice to them and invite them to parties and
>very slowly and using simple words explain the Church of the SubGenius to
>them. Because come X-day we're gonna need all the shit kickers we can
>get.
>
>One last thing, the wise old Yeti did get his comics back. He just
>happened to see them peeking out of a rubbish bin on the way to the
>evacuation site.
>
>Myrkury