Myrkury wrote in article <01bc2f3a$9713d800$781f67cf@myrk>...

>Oh my best beloved, when the world was young and things were still new

>there were Yeti roaming the face of the earth and the Yeti were creative

>and charming and could perform reasonably difficult long division problems

>in their heads. The Yeti had little division of labor for although most

>of them were musicians and poets and artists and writers of prose they

>were also skilled at the mechanical arts of civilization. In any

>gathering of Yeti one could surely find a Yeti-mobile mechanic or a short

>order cook or, "BOB" forbid, a sysop. But there was one group of Yeti who

>were shunned by the others, a group of "untouchables". These were the

>warrior Yeti. For the Yeti did need warriors as any civilization does,

>especially one that existed when the world was young and the extra

>radiation from the sun allowed Glorps to develop past the familiar larval

>stage into full fledged adulthood. Out of necessity the warrior Yeti were

>not given training in the arts or even the sciences. For if they

>appreciated the finer things how could they destroy them without a

>moment's hesitation should the need arise? So the warrior Yeti were kept

>apart from the others. Not by any mandate but by a seemingly mutual

>arrangement. The regular Yeti found the warrior Yeti to be rather

>unsophisticated and incapable of appreciating the finer things in life and

>the warrior Yeti just didn't feel very welcome. Usually the warrior

>Yeti's feelings of rejection just caused them to spend time in the company

>of their own kind, drinking prodigeous quantities of Fropweiser. But

>occasionnaly the injustice of it all would overcome a particular warrior

>Yeti and he or she would go to a regular Yeti party and kick the crap out

>of everyone there. This situation continued for a while until the regular

>Yeti just got fed up with the behavior of the warrior Yetis. The regular

>Yeti said to themselves, "Why can't these folks just learn to act like all

>the other Yeti? Even if they don't understand the finer things in life

>they should at least respect them. And anyway all they do for the most

>part is laze about at our expense waiting for a war. Now that we have our

>impenetrable domed fortress who needs them?" So the warrior Yetis were

>rounded up for reeducation. Now nobody likes to be reeducated,

>particularly Yetis. So many of the warrior Yeti fled down off of the

>Tibetan plateau and dyed their hair brownish black and hid out among the

>apelike ancestors of todays merehumes.

 

>Now back up on the plateau the remaining Yetis were very pleased with

>themselves. Having purged their society of malcontents they could focus

>on developing individualism into a fine art. Now don't think that these

>Yeti were helpless or without arms. For it was they who had designed and

>built the warrior Yeti's armament in the first place. The regular Yeti

>began practicing the martial arts, but being artistically inclined they

>eventually stylized the various killing and maiming techniques of the

>warrior Yeti into harmless and dancelike rituals. But the force dome

>protected them

 

>Now a thousand years had passed since the Yetis had expelled their warrior

>brethren when they recieved a strange visitor. He simply appeared one

>day, hairless but for the top of his head and bearing great white

>rectangular teeth in his mouth. He frightened the little Yetis terribly

>but the grown up Yeti were usually willing to give a stranger the benefit

>of the doubt. So this stranger was invited to dinner at the great annual

>Yeti dinner party (held every night of the week.) He was charming and

>pleasant and spoke fluent Yeti and by the time dinner was over the whole

>of Yetikind called him freind, especially because his name was entirely

>unpronounceable (remember my best beloved, that all purebred Yeti have

>hairlips and cannot say words like "pop" or "mom",) the best the Yeti

>could do with it was "[spit]-OO-[spit] DOO[spit]S." Well "freind" (do you

>know who he really is Oh my best beloved?) told the Yeti that he was in

>need of frop. Alot of frop, in fact every last bit of frop the Yeti could

>spare. Now "freind" didn't want the Yeti to just give him their frop out

>of the kindness of their hearts, no he was a good fella, a real mensch.

>"Freind" was willing to give the Yeti a brand new fusion reactor in

>exchange for their frop. Now the Yeti, knowing that frop was a renewable

>resource unlike the plutonium-666 they used to power their force dome,

>snapped up "freind"'s deal. "Friend" even offered to install the reactor

>in the force dome control center for no additional charge. And so the

>next day the Yeti saw off their new "freind" pleased as punch that they

>would no longer need to refuel their reactor to maintain their force dome.

> All they had to do was follow "freind"'s instructions and add 1 cup of

>seawater every 300 years.

 

>The next day the used World War I submarine batteries that J.R. "BOB"

>Dobbs had sold the Yeti gave out and the force dome came crashing down.

>Now the Yeti kicked themselves for being hoodwinked by "freind" and

>especially because they had given him a brand new Yeti-mobile for doing

>them the favor of hauling off their old reactor. Without their force dome

>the Yeti were in big trouble. They argued and bickered over what to do

>until a wise old Yeti said: "Maybe we should go see if there are any

>warrior Yeti left?" The other Yeti sneered at him, saying "Look, we may

>be in trouble but ask those philistines for help? NEVER! Anyway there

>probably aren't any of them left. After all they were just parasites who

>lived off of our work, how long could they possibly survive on their

own?"

 

> And so the Yeti began to experiment with all kinds of weapons and war

>making apparatus. They were especially good at genetic engineering and so

>they built all kinds of horrible monsters, which are, O best beloved, the

>dragons and basilisks of legend. The Yeti used an orbital mind control

>laser to direct their beasts of war. The other races started making

>constant forays against the now domeless Yeti but they were driven back

>time and again by the Yeti's genetically engineered war beasts.

 

> Now the wise old Yeti who had been laughed at before was greatly

>concerned. He had and awful premonition that the war beasts would

>eventually abandon or worse, turn against, their creators. The wise old

>Yeti knew that the only things that Yetis could count on to defend them

>were other Yeti. So he set off down the plateau to the jungles where the

>warrior Yeti were rumoured to still live. As he reached the edge of the

>Yeti city the younger Yeti called out "Hey man, can we have your record

>collection and your comic books!" The old Yeti just ignored them and kept

>going.

 

> Now the warrior Yeti who had escaped reeducation had hidden among the

>apelike premerehumes of the lowlands. Over the course of time they had

>interbred with the premerehumes and come to look much like them. But

>their Yeti blood was still strong and they knew who they were and were

>proud. They practiced their craft constantly, often manipulating the

>premerehume tribes into senseless conflict with each other for the

>purposes of refining strategic and tactical theories. They remembered

>their Yeti heritage, of which they were very proud, and their exodus from

>their homeland, about which they were very bitter. They remembered in

>song and ritual, Oh my best beloved do you think the ancient sagas and

>epics were the works of merehumes? Even though the warrior Yeti were pale

>shadows of the other Yeti in their creative prowess they were still by far

>more intelligent than their premerehume associates. So when one day an

>old and travel worn Yeti washed up, barely alive, on the bank of a now

>dried up river and was spotted by a descendant of the warrior Yeti he was

>immediately recognized. The old Yeti was taken to the nearest encampment

>of warrior Yeti who immediately began to dress his wounds and nurse him

>back to health. While the old Yeti was recovering the warrior Yeti who

>lived in that particular encampment sent out runners to all the other Yeti

>warrior groups to tell them the news of the mysterious arrival of a

>purebred Yeti. By the time the old Yeti had recovered enough to speak the

>encampment where he was lodged was overflowing with representatives of all

>the other warrior Yeti clans. The warrior Yeti had already begun to

>discuss what significance this event had. Some of them thought that the

>old Yeti was likely a spy sent to locate the warrior Yeti so they could be

>reeducated, others speculated that the Yetis had been wiped out by the

>Glorps and that the old Yeti was the last survivor.

 

>When the old Yeti was well enough to speak all the most respected and

>powerful warrior Yeti assembled to hear him speak. Now the old Yeti could

>barely contain his revultion at the digusting result of interbreeding with

>the hairless ape creatures and couldn't help but notice the vague

>resemblance of the interbred Yeti to the strange visitor "freind." But

>the old Yeti was not one to let appearances get in the way of his mission,

>which , after all, was the salvation of his species. So he explained the

>perdicament of the Yeti remaining on the Plateau and asked the warrior

>Yeti to return with him to take up their old jobs and secure the peace for

>Yetikind once again. The assembled Yeti warriors listened in silence and

>when the old man was done speaking the most senior and powerful among them

>rose and intoned the ancient phrase that meant that the old man should

>leave for a time and let the warriors discuss the matter among themselves

>"I'll have my girl call your girl."

 

>The assembled Yeti warriors argued into the night. many of the younger

>ones advocated returning to the plateau where they could be purged of

>their premerehume genes and restored to full Yetiness and once again live

>out the lives of the ancient Yeti warriors that were remembered so well in

>their epics and sagas. The older Yeti warriors worried that this might be

>a trick and reminded the young ones of the abuse they had suffered at the

>hands of those they were now so eager to rush to defend. But in the end

>all Yeti warrior live to defend their homeland and fellow Yeti so it was

>agreed that they would return to the plateau en masse to once again take

>up their place in Yeti society. So they called the old Yeti back into

>their council and informed him of their decision. They would leave the

>next morning to return to the Plateau.

 

>Now back up on the plateau the other Yeti had completly forgotten about

>the old Yeti and his quest. His record collection and comic books had

>long since been snapped up at a garge sale held by his ungrateful

>Yetibrats. The war beasts had been fabulously successful and the gene

>labs where they were manufactured had begun devoting most of their time to

>making the beasts more aesthetically pleasing. All the fasionable Yeti

>kept a war beast or two as a housepet. In fact warbeast poop was

>beggining to be a problem as were stray and uncared for warbeasts. So the

>Yeti council decided that it was about time that the warbeasts were

>managed in some way and instituted the office of warbeastcatcher. The

>warbeastcatcher's job was to drive around in a Yeti-mobile and capture all

>the stray war beasts and take them back to the gene labs for recycling.

>Now this was a good idea but lead to all kinds of emotional scenes when a

>Yeti family's beloved warbeast was accidentally recycled. This made the

>warbeastcatcher a less than popular figure around town and he was

>determined to find a way to do his job without risking the ire of a little

>Yetibrat whose gorgon wound up in the protoplasm vats after she let it off

>its leash in the park. He needed some way of distinguishing domestic and

>stray warbeasts that would be highly visible and would be agreeable to

>both warbeasts and their owners. He tried collars but nobody would agree

>on any particular style. Then an idea hit him, he would ask that all

>domestic warbeasts be adorned with a shiny metal hat. Every Yeti kitchen

>had tinfoil in it so he sent out a mass memo to all the Yeti telling them

>that as of next tuesday all domestic warbeasts would be required to wear

>tin foil hats.

 

>By some strange coincidence the old Yeti and the Yeti warriors arrived on

>top of the plateau on tuesday afternoon. Most of the Yeti's city lay in

>ruins and the yeti who had not been gobbled up by their pet warbeasts the

>moment the tinfoil hats had blocked the effect of the orbital mind control

>lasers had fled to the old residence halls of the warrior Yeti. They were

>trapped inside and could not fight their way out, but were safe for the

>time being as the ancient homes of the warrior Yeti had been built to

>their tastes which generally ran to 10 foot thick windowless concrete slab

>construction. The old Yeti and the warrior Yeti at first thought that

>they were too late. The old Yeti just sat down and started to cry. The

>warrior Yeti gave him a funny look and with howls and yelps set upon the

>warbeasts. By sunset every last warbeast was sizzling on a spit over an

>open fire as the warrior Yeti wolfed down great slabs of greasy warbeast

>meat topped with gallons of Winking Lizard sauce. Now the Yeti who had

>fled into the old warrior residence halls noticed that the warbeasts were

>no longer battering the walls and doors and assumed that they had gone off

>down the plateau to get something to eat. They opened the door a crack

>and peered out onto the ruins of their homes. They felt no releif for

>while there were no warbeasts to be seen on the plateau they had been

>replaced by hideous monsters which looked like some sort of hairless cross

>between a Yeti and a monkey. Eventually one of the braver Yeti walked out

>to where the warrior Yeti were feasting. He was greeted with whoops and

>cheers for the worrior Yeti were even more pleased with themselves because

>while they had destroyed the warbeasts they were under the impression that

>they had arrived too late to save any of the others. The young Yeti could

>barely believe what the warrior Yeti told him but when the old Yeti

>emerged from the crowd to demand the return of his records and comic books

>the truth of the matter was confirmed. The young Yeti sounded the all

>clear and the other Yeti survivors emerged from their hiding places. It

>was one big happy reunion and soon the kegs of Fropweiser had been tapped

>and everyone gorged themselves on roasted warbeast sandwiches.

>Now not all the warbeasts had remained on the Plateau to be destroyed by

>the warrior Yeti, some HAD gone off to the lowlands in search of food.

 

>Eventually one was captured by some Glorps who quickly figured out what

>had happened. The Glorps sent a salvage team up to the plateu thinking

>the Yeti had been completely wiped out. When the salvage team got to the

>edge of the Plateau they were surprised to see the Yeti busily rebuilding

>their city. They were even more surprised when a troop of Yeti warriors

>appeared out of nowhere to slice them to ribbons. Not all the glorps were

>killed though. One glorp, who was such a coward that he ran away even

>before the warrior Yeti attacked, made it back to Glorp City with his

>report. The report was generally true except for the part about

>singlehandedly fighing off 3000 of the new monkeylike warbeasts that the

>Yeti were using for protection. The glorps were concerned by this report

>for their enemies the Yeti were apparently rebuilding. The glorps decided

>that they should mount a full scale attack on the plateau as soon as

>possible. They assembled their armeis replete with several captured

>warbeasts (controlled by radio broadcasts from a secret base on the dark

>side of the moon) and set off towards Tibet.

 

>Now as the glorp army was approaching the plateau things were not going

>too well amongst the Yeti. The warrior Yeti wanted the others to rebuild

>the genelabs first while the Yeti preferred to rebuild their studios and

>cafes first. The Yeti had also begun to grow annoyed with the boisterous

>habits of the warriors, especially their tendency to spill Fropweiser all

>over everything. Quickly the old animosity between the two groups emerged

>and was in fact worse as this time there was an obvious physical

>distinction between the warrior Yeti and the regular Yeti. The warrior

>Yeti, when not on patrol, began to spend all their time in the old

>residential compound. The regular Yeti were quick to forget that they

>owed their lives to the warriors and spent quite a bit of time complaining

>the the warriors weren't helping enough with the rebuilding efforts. That

>the warriors were dirty and smelly. Some Yeti even began questioning

>whether the gene labs should be rebuilt at all, for if the genes of the

>warrior Yeti were restored how could a regular Yeti tell which was which?

>Heaven forbid a girl Yeti should accidently fall in love or even screw a

>warrior Yeti. So the situation on the plateau was quite tense when a

>perimiter scout announced the arrival of an enourmous glorp army. The

>warrior Yeti quickly analized the situation and realized that with the

>remaining warbeasts the glorps would actually stand a chance of defeating

>the warrior Yeti, for even though they possesed much of the strength and

>speed of their ancestors the interbreeding with the premerehumes had

>weakened them.

 

>The warrior Yeti told the other Yeti about the situation and asked them to

>provide cover fire while the warriors engaged the enemy. The Yeti were

>aghast at the idea of getting into a real fight and told the warrior Yeti

>"We feed you and let you spill Fropweiser all over the place and now its

>time for you to keep up your end of the bargain and you still want us to

>do the work?" and the warrior Yeti said "If you had repaired the gene labs

>first like we had asked then we would have been able to take care of this

>on our own. But look, if you don't help out here we're ALL FUCKED so just

>show up and lay down some cover fire for us ok?" and the regular Yeti said

>"Yah, sure, okelly dokelly." So the warrior Yeti marched bravely off to

>face the enemy.

 

>Now back on top of the plateau the Yeti were talking amongst themselves.

>They were very worried for they knew that the warriors would not have

>asked for help if it wasn't absolutely necessary. So they talked and

>formed a committe and worked on a consencus until shortly before the hour

>they were supposed to move out and begin laying down cover fire for the

>warrior Yeti. At this time the old Yeti could not contain himself any

>longer. He rose and adressed the other Yeti "Look, these folks have saved

>our ass once already, even after what we did to them. They're marching

>out to save us again even though we treat them like shit and haven't even

>decided whether or not we're going to keep our end of the bargain by

>restoring their genes. Now since they are trying to save us, we should

>really go give them a hand." Immediately after the old Yeti finished

>speaking a young Yeti jumped up, this particular Yeti, Oh my best beloved,

>was in fact the son of the old Yeti, who had sold his comics and records,

>and said "Look, why don't we kill two deros with one stronium bomb here.

>We should let the Glorps and the warrior Yeti wipe each other out and then

>we should be more than capable of finishing off whoever is left. I'm

>going to go hide in the warrior's residential compound until the fighting

>dies down." With that all the Yetis got up and marched with the young

>Yeti to hide in the old residence halls. The old Yeti sadly shook his

>head, picked up his antique lithium dischagre particle accelerator and

>went off to face his death an honorable Yeti.

 

>Now the fight on the slopes of the plateau was not going well for the

>Yeti. The warriors had chosen a site to make their stand based on the

>assumption that the other Yeti would be providing cover fire from the rim

>of the plateau. Without this support they were being wiped out. By the

>time the old Yeti reached them with the news of the other Yetis' cowardice

>more than two thirds of their number were dead or mortally wounded.

>Quickly the warrior Yeti commanders conferred with each other. They

>decided that there was no hope of victory, but if they were to retreat

>then the Glorp army, unbroken, would pursue every last Yeti purebred or

>hybrid to the ends of the earth to ensure their destruction. The warrior

>Yetis decided that now was the time to utilize their most terrible weapon,

>the Eikniwt Ssetsoh. A weapon so ancient and terrible thaty it had been

>kept a secret from all but a few select warrior Yeti. A weapon that once

>triggered would explode in a toxic fireball that would lay waste to

>thousands of square miles and render them uninhabitable for 100,000 years.

 

> It was decided that the warrior Yetis would retreat to the top of the

>plateau where they would trigger the countdown on the Eikniwt Ssetsoh.

>Then the Yeti warriors would divide into two groups. One small group

>would remain behind and engage the glorp army to make sure that they were

>on the plateau when the Eikniwt Ssetsoh went off, while the rest of the

>remaining Yeti warriors would evacuate as many of the remaining Yeti as

>they could.

 

>The evacuation team rounded up every operable Yeti-mobile they could find

>and searched the city for the other Yetis. They found those who had been

>to sick or old or young to have been called to defend their homes. They

>found some artists who were so absent minded that they had absolutely no

>idea what had been going on. They found some Yeti who were so fropped up

>that they gad passed out or were wandering about in a daze. They even

>found the warbeastcatcher, who had been in hiding since his little

>"tinfoil hat" idea had blown up in his face. The warrior Yeti even

>evacuated the home for retarded and defective Yeti. But when they,

>despite their best judgement, went to their old residence halls to

>evacuate the rest the Yeti who were inside would not open the doors. For

>the young Yeti, the son of the wise old Yeti, had convinced them that the

>warriors had clearly won the battle in a rout and were now seeking to

>avenge themselves for the treachery of the other Yeti. The warrior Yeti

>banged on the door and plead with those inside to come out. Even the wise

>old Yeti appealed to those inside to allow themselves to be saved. But

>they would not come out. Eventually the Yeti warriors and those few

>evacuees they had located had to leave if they were going to escape the

>blast zone. With tears in their eyes, for they knew it was the end of

>their civilization, they left the great majority of the Yetis cowering

>like rats in their bunkers.

 

>The warriors sped away from the Plateau, already composing songs about the

>bravery of those who stayed behind to battle the glorp army until they

>would all be destroyed by the Eikniwt Ssetsoh. They pushed the

>Yeti-mobiles until the engines gave out and they came to rest in a small

>clearing near the encampment where the wise old Yeti had first been found

>by the warrior Yeti. Moments after landing the survivors were thrown to

>the ground by the force of the blast. A blast so powerful that the

>resulting dust blocked out so much solar radiation that the remaining

>adult glorps around the world died instantly (Now remember, Oh my best

>beloved, that the larval form of the glorp can survive without solar

>radiation, even unto sexual maturity. Which is why we still have glorps

>to this day, but remember to thank those brave Yeti warriors who died up

>on the plateau because otherwise you might know what an adult glorp looks

>like.)

 

>When they got up and dusted themselves off the warrior Yeti adressed the

>cowering remnants of Yetikind "You folks just can't seem to help but fuck

>us over. All we ever wanted was to be left alone and once in a while kick

>some ass. Not just kick some ass, but to kick the asses of those who

>messed with Yetis. Well we've had it up to here with you, so you're on

>your own from now on. These ape girls are easy and the premerehumes will

>trade food and shelter for your slack so you should be able to get by as

>long as you shave your bodies and dye your hair brownish black." With

>those words the Yeti warriors began to march off into the woods leaving

>the Yeti to fend for themselves. But the wise old Yeti jumped up and

>shouted "Excuse me, but the Yeti who fucked you over all got blown up back

>on the plateau. I for one did everything I could and those who you were

>able to rescue may not have been there to help in the fight, but they

>weren't supposed to anyway. Look at us, we're a bunch of old folks, kids,

>frop heads, artists and spazzes. How are we going to make it on our own?

>Have mercy!" Well the warrior Yetis paused for a moment and then one of

>them said "I'll have my girl call your girl" and the warrior Yeti

>dissappeared into the woods.

 

> The remaining Yeti huddled together in the clearing, terrified of their

>unfamilliar surroundings. They remained that way for three days and

>nights until a messenger from the warrior Yeti arrived. He looked at the

>pathetic remnants of his once proud race and shook his head. He got their

>attention and informed them of the descision of the warrior Yeti council

>"You are not those who have harmed us, but it seems that we will always be

>treated shabbily by your kind, for you cannot seem to help but despise

>those who are not as witty or creative as you are. Perhaps one day you

>will learn to despise your enemies and love your freinds, but until then

>you are on your own. We will no longer provide your community with

>protection. You have the brains and the skills to live off of the

>premerehumes and if you do not, you are better off dead. Now in light of

>the bravery and decency of one among you" the warrior Yeti bowed toward

>the wise old Yeti "we shall come to the aid of you and your progeny when

>we deign necessary. But we will not respond to your calls nor will we

>always be there for you. OK BYE BYE."

>

>And so the Yeti survivors lived among the premerehumes and eventually

>interbred with them untill such a time as they were nearly

>undistinguishable from them. The only differnce being that the

>descendants of the Yeti would always know they were somehow different and

>better than the merehumes. And like their Yeti ancestors todays Yetisyn

>are often fropheads or artists or spazzes for almost all of the healthy

>normal Yeti perished in their cowardice. The warrior Yeti also lived among

>the merehumes. They too have forgotten where they came from and are

>nearly indistinguishable from merehumes. Unlike other Yetisyn the

>descendants of the warrior Yeti are not always distinguished by

>exceptional talent or intelligence. They seem to have an easier time

>fitting in with the merehumes because they excel at violence and thuggery

>the two most important character traits among the merehumes. But the

>Yetiwarriorsyn does not see their prowess as an end in itself and will

>often feel as if their life is meaningless. For they truly long,

>somewhere deep in their genes and hearts, to be among their own kind.

>They wish to keep company with other Yeti and enjoy once again the arts

>and wit of Yetikind.

>

>So all you Yeti out there, remember that football player who protected you

>from the other jocks? The bloated Alabama state trooper who said "Aw

>hell, this yankee's kinda cute boys.. lets lynch the next one" The drill

>Seargant who let you keep a little of your slack while he tortured the

>other inductees? Well they were more than likely the Descendants of Yeti

>warriors. So you should be nice to them and invite them to parties and

>very slowly and using simple words explain the Church of the SubGenius to

>them. Because come X-day we're gonna need all the shit kickers we can

>get.

>

>One last thing, the wise old Yeti did get his comics back. He just

>happened to see them peeking out of a rubbish bin on the way to the

>evacuation site.

>

>Myrkury