> Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue

> the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end,

> I hold M&M duels.

>

> Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure,

> squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That

> is the"loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner

> gets to go another round.

>

> I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher,

> and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have

> hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the

> intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and

> snack-food world.

>

> Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or

> pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to

> be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra

> strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its

> environment.

>

> When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the

> strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one

> as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A

> Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along

> with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."

>

> This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a

> free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I

> have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of

> hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.

>

> There can be only one.