Dateline San Fransisco, Oct 24 1996. Drifter "Bob" reporting for AP (Ant

Press) news

This week in Criminally Insane News

(note: most of this stuff happened last week, but it takes a while for

facts to percolate through the criminally insane consciousness...)

Southern California

 

A homeless man on a five day speed and alcohol binge hijacked a city bus

and led police and press on a two hour chase through San Diego, repeatedly

driving through a particular neighborhood which seemed to be full of onlookers

and well-wishers. It should be noted that the man chivalrously allowed the

bus-driver and two passengers off of the bus before he started his voyage. In

fact throughout the 'ordeal', throngs of exhuberant onlookers easily crossed

the thin veil of what passes for rational behavior in the United States and

followed the bus, some cheering the man on, others throwing things at it.

 

We congratulate the citizens of San Diego on thier highly amusing

spontaneous reaction. The poor guy was finally stopped by a tire damaging

strip laid out by the cops, emerged from the bus, and while screaming for help

was brutally 'detained' by police, who then ran over his foot by a police

cruiser, which was clearly shown on TV. A police spokesman later said that a

K-9 dog in the police cruiser had somehow engaged the gear, causing the car to

run over the man. We congratulate the police for this insane statement, but

condemn them for their brutality and lack of humor. We do not advocate a

massive riot in protest to the police brutality against the criminally

insane...('cant we all just get along?')

 

This event bore a certain resemblance to a similar joy ride in 1996,

which was the most amusing event of that year bar none, by another deranged

man in San Diego who stole an Army tank and drove around crushing parked cars

and knocking over telephone poles for about half an hour. This poor,

misunderstood performance artist was shot dead by humorless police after he

bogged down the tank while trying to cross a concrete highway median.

 

Canada

In Canada, (an irrelevent arctic wasteland nation situated to the north

of Montana, known for producing skilled comedians, geese, and maple syrup, and

quaint traditions such as axe juggling, hockey, and log rolling) a man charged

his car up the stairs of the Parliment building, screaming about devil

worshipers who were out to get him, and had to be forcibly restrained by

several 'security personnel'. We condemn the Canadian government for not

interrupting whatever irrelevent business they were conducting, and

immediately convening a special legislative session to investigate satanic

conspiracies, since the satanists were probably the very 'security personnel'

who grabbed the poor guy. He is undoubtedly being roasted alive in some cult

owned cavern near skeskatchuan. This is just another of many examples of

discrimination against the criminally insane by small, irrelevent satelite

nations, who in their impotent bitterness consistantly take out frustration on

dangerous nuts instead of facing their real enemy (The United States!).

 

Geopolitics

Recently ousted President of Ecuador (forgot his name), who rose to

popularity and power by performing in rock videos with scantily clad women,

was declared mentally incompetent (criminally insane?) by the Ecuadoran

Parliment. During the one day power struggle between himself, the female vice

president (who has since been named president), and the leader of the

Parliment, all of whom were claiming presidency, this guy had the good taste

and wisdom to visit Ecuadoran\American performance artist and comedian Lorena

Bobbitt. His general behavior helped emphasise the absurdity of government in

general and bannana republics in particular, for which we congratulate him,

and we also congratulate the Equadoran military for staying out of the power

struggle. Incidently, we are backing Lorena Bobbit for president in the next

election.

"We can't all be saints"

John Dillinger

Copyright (K) 1997 fire ant collective, all rights reversed.

Defending the rights of the criminally insane since 1995

This week in criminally insane news 2-19-97

----------------------

No good po'bucker stories this week, it's the turn of the rich and famous

to commit humor-crime, but it is a good one... I think there may be hope for

Latin America if not the U.S....

From the Associated Press

'ARTIST SAYS KIDNAPPERS WANTED NUDE PAINTING

MEXICO CITY - A Mexican artist seized at gunpoint

off the street says his kidnappers forced him to paint

a nude portrait of a wealthy woman.

Witnesses saw armed men seize Niceforo Urbieta off

a street in the southern city of Oaxaca on Feb. 11. He

wasn't heard from for four days.

Relatives and friends feared that urbieta, who was

imprisoned in the 1970s for links to militant leftist

groups, had been kidnapped for political reasons. His

case won attention in national newspapers.

But in an interview published Tuesday in the newspaper

La Jornada, Urbieta said his captors were interested in

his art, not his politics.

He said he was picked up off the street, covered in

a cloth and driven to a "run of the mill" room, where the

kidnappers told him why they wanted him.

"This is a whim," Urbieta quoted the kidnappers as

telling him. "There is a very rich lady who likes your

painting a lot ... and she wants you to paint her."

Urbieta said he was given paintbrushes and forced to

look through a hole in the wall at the model, who would

pose nude for about an hour at a time.

"It was totally absurd. Like a voyeur, I had to look

at her through that hole and paint her," he said. "She

never spoke."

He described her as a young woman with long black

hair "and a very well-formed body."

He said the captors eventually took him back to

Oaxaca.

Authorities would not comment on the case.'

...and they say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery!

Drifter "Bob" reporting for AP (Ant Press)

Copyright (@) Fire Ant Collective all rights reversed

'Protecting the rights of the criminally insane since 1884'

-------------

This week in criminally insane news 2-24-97

Los Angeles California

Confirming the damaging 'Shakes the Clown' stereotype, a professional

clown named Juan Guiterres stole a car Monday while still wearing his clown

suit, after performing at a childs birthday party. According to Police, after

finishing his job Juan stole the car because he had no ride home (as a long

time pedestrian, I can understand this and personally vouch that the public

transit out here really stinks). Police followed him some fifty miles to his

girlfriends house, where he was apprehended and charged with auto theft by

straight faced keystone cops with no sense of humor.

 

Soviet Union

Workers at a financially 'strapped' high technology Defense firm are

reportedly being payed with rubber adult sexual toys in lieux of cash,

according to a radio news report Monday. This is just the most bizarre of a

variety of barter arrangements now being made by many cash-poor russian firms,

including coal mines, steel mills, liquor distilleries, factories, and even

nuclear weapons bases.

 

The really insane thing about this is that nobody seems to worry about

the consequenses of a potential dildo gap arising between us and the 'former'

soviets...has anyone thought about the possibility that these weapons firms

may have finally solved the missile disbursement dilemma which plagued us

during the MX days, thanks to recent advancements in micro-miniaturisation?

Imagine thousands of lonely Russian women simultaneously opening their

'missile silos' and launching micro-dildo-warheads at the U.S. in an

unprovoked secret first strike!

 

Argentina

Disgruntled members of a leftist(?) political group disrupted screenings

of "Madonnas" new movie Evita in Buenos Aires, Friday. According to the U.S.

press, the group felt that Eva Peron was innacurately portrayed, and vented

their frustration by setting off insect spray in crowded movie theaters,

smashing windows, defacing Evita posters, and 'scuffling' with police. This

is cool just because it is (hopefully) an embarrasment to "Madonna". I think

if people would only start doing this at the premiers of bad movies in general

all over the world, all of our problems would be solved. Or kill me.

 

Drifter "Bob" Reporting for AP (Ant Press) news

Copyright (K) 1997 fire ant collective All Rights Reversed

'Protecting the rights of the criminally insane since 1972'

---------

 

 This week in criminally insane news 5-07-97

 

 

Hey, none of those 'Texas Republicans' were from Texas!

 

 

"Venezuala heist with bad guys not so bad

 

CARACAS--

Good is good and evil is evil - except when it's a

little more complicated than that. Or so it goes in

Latin America, where morality's endles shades of

gray are the stuff of brilliant novels and,

occasionally, even stranger bits of nonfiction.

In the Brazilian metropolis of Rio de

Janeiro, the muggerd, occasionally smitten by

compassion, have been known to give their tearful

victims bus fare home. But nowhere in Latin America

has gentlemanly theft become more of an art form

than here in economically stumbling and increasingly

crime-plagues Venezuala.

Rosa Clemente, a college student in Caracas,

knows first hand.One friday a few months ago, she

lived through what is surely one of the oddest car

thefts in the annnals of crime.

Clemente was driving with her granddmother

to a hospital across town to visit her ailing

grandfather. When she stopped at a red light, a man

tapped on the windshield of her ancient red Ford

Mustang and motioned for her to roll down the

window.

Clemente cranked down the window a few

inches, and the man asked her to open her door. She

politely explained that she couldn't as the door was

jammed. The man, backed up at this point by a

friend, then pulled a gun and explained he was

stealing the car. Again he demanded she opne the

door.

Now cowering, Clemente again nervously

insisted that the door was stuck and could not be

opened, even at gunpoint.

The robbers got in the passenger side door.

Clemente's grandmother, forced onto the

sidewalk, was livid. Just how were she and her

granddaughter supposed to get to the hospital to

visit her husband without a car, she demanded of the

men. Couldn't they just swing by the hospital and

drop the women off on their way?

The robbers decided they could, over

Clemente's objections.

So with one thief in the driver's seat, one

in the back seat, Clement's grandmother riding

shotgun, and Clemente sitting nervously on the hump

between the front bucket seats, the little group

drove off to the hospital.

Clemente pleaded to keep the car, and the

gunman admitted they needed it for the weekend.

Next monday, they promised, they'd leave it at a

certain remote intersection for her to recover.

At the hospital, as Clemente's grandmother

climbed out of the car, the pair of thieves asked

the old woman for her blessing. She dutifully

performed the sign of the cross over them. Then

after a final slamming of doors, the armed

chauffeurs drove off. The women hurried inside and

collapsed in anxious relief.

The story only gets stranger.

The next Monday, true to their word, the

thieves left the car for Clemente just where they

had promised, undamaged. She was overjoyed.

But she already had filed a theft report

over the weekend, certain she would never see the

car again. When she called the police to treport

the car found, the cops insisted it now was evidence

in a criminal theft case and impounded it for three

months.

When Clemente finally got her car back, she

found that carpets. the spare tire and other parts

were missing."

 

I know I dont have to tell you the moral of that

story. Everyone please say a blessing for ethical

criminals everywhere, Dillinger Lives!!

 

DB

 

Copyright (K) 1997 nobody, AP (Ant Press) news, all

rights reversed. "Protecting the rights of the

Criminally Insane since 1348"