Dateline San Fransisco, Oct 24 1996. Drifter "Bob" reporting for AP (Ant
This week in Criminally Insane News
(note: most of this stuff happened last week, but it takes a while for
facts to percolate through the criminally insane consciousness...)
A homeless man on a five day speed and alcohol binge hijacked a city bus
and led police and press on a two hour chase through San Diego, repeatedly
driving through a particular neighborhood which seemed to be full of onlookers
and well-wishers. It should be noted that the man chivalrously allowed the
bus-driver and two passengers off of the bus before he started his voyage. In
fact throughout the 'ordeal', throngs of exhuberant onlookers easily crossed
the thin veil of what passes for rational behavior in the United States and
followed the bus, some cheering the man on, others throwing things at it.
We congratulate the citizens of San Diego on thier highly amusing
spontaneous reaction. The poor guy was finally stopped by a tire damaging
strip laid out by the cops, emerged from the bus, and while screaming for help
was brutally 'detained' by police, who then ran over his foot by a police
cruiser, which was clearly shown on TV. A police spokesman later said that a
K-9 dog in the police cruiser had somehow engaged the gear, causing the car to
run over the man. We congratulate the police for this insane statement, but
condemn them for their brutality and lack of humor. We do not advocate a
massive riot in protest to the police brutality against the criminally
insane...('cant we all just get along?')
This event bore a certain resemblance to a similar joy ride in 1996,
which was the most amusing event of that year bar none, by another deranged
man in San Diego who stole an Army tank and drove around crushing parked cars
and knocking over telephone poles for about half an hour. This poor,
misunderstood performance artist was shot dead by humorless police after he
bogged down the tank while trying to cross a concrete highway median.
In Canada, (an irrelevent arctic wasteland nation situated to the north
of Montana, known for producing skilled comedians, geese, and maple syrup, and
quaint traditions such as axe juggling, hockey, and log rolling) a man charged
his car up the stairs of the Parliment building, screaming about devil
worshipers who were out to get him, and had to be forcibly restrained by
several 'security personnel'. We condemn the Canadian government for not
interrupting whatever irrelevent business they were conducting, and
immediately convening a special legislative session to investigate satanic
conspiracies, since the satanists were probably the very 'security personnel'
who grabbed the poor guy. He is undoubtedly being roasted alive in some cult
owned cavern near skeskatchuan. This is just another of many examples of
discrimination against the criminally insane by small, irrelevent satelite
nations, who in their impotent bitterness consistantly take out frustration on
dangerous nuts instead of facing their real enemy (The United States!).
Recently ousted President of Ecuador (forgot his name), who rose to
popularity and power by performing in rock videos with scantily clad women,
was declared mentally incompetent (criminally insane?) by the Ecuadoran
Parliment. During the one day power struggle between himself, the female vice
president (who has since been named president), and the leader of the
Parliment, all of whom were claiming presidency, this guy had the good taste
and wisdom to visit Ecuadoran\American performance artist and comedian Lorena
Bobbitt. His general behavior helped emphasise the absurdity of government in
general and bannana republics in particular, for which we congratulate him,
and we also congratulate the Equadoran military for staying out of the power
struggle. Incidently, we are backing Lorena Bobbit for president in the next
"We can't all be saints"
Copyright (K) 1997 fire ant collective, all rights reversed.
Defending the rights of the criminally insane since 1995
This week in criminally insane news 2-19-97
No good po'bucker stories this week, it's the turn of the rich and famous
to commit humor-crime, but it is a good one... I think there may be hope for
Latin America if not the U.S....
From the Associated Press
'ARTIST SAYS KIDNAPPERS WANTED NUDE PAINTING
MEXICO CITY - A Mexican artist seized at gunpoint
off the street says his kidnappers forced him to paint
a nude portrait of a wealthy woman.
Witnesses saw armed men seize Niceforo Urbieta off
a street in the southern city of Oaxaca on Feb. 11. He
wasn't heard from for four days.
Relatives and friends feared that urbieta, who was
imprisoned in the 1970s for links to militant leftist
groups, had been kidnapped for political reasons. His
case won attention in national newspapers.
But in an interview published Tuesday in the newspaper
La Jornada, Urbieta said his captors were interested in
his art, not his politics.
He said he was picked up off the street, covered in
a cloth and driven to a "run of the mill" room, where the
kidnappers told him why they wanted him.
"This is a whim," Urbieta quoted the kidnappers as
telling him. "There is a very rich lady who likes your
painting a lot ... and she wants you to paint her."
Urbieta said he was given paintbrushes and forced to
look through a hole in the wall at the model, who would
pose nude for about an hour at a time.
"It was totally absurd. Like a voyeur, I had to look
at her through that hole and paint her," he said. "She
He described her as a young woman with long black
hair "and a very well-formed body."
He said the captors eventually took him back to
Authorities would not comment on the case.'
...and they say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery!
Drifter "Bob" reporting for AP (Ant Press)
Copyright (@) Fire Ant Collective all rights reversed
'Protecting the rights of the criminally insane since 1884'
This week in criminally insane news 2-24-97
Los Angeles California
Confirming the damaging 'Shakes the Clown' stereotype, a professional
clown named Juan Guiterres stole a car Monday while still wearing his clown
suit, after performing at a childs birthday party. According to Police, after
finishing his job Juan stole the car because he had no ride home (as a long
time pedestrian, I can understand this and personally vouch that the public
transit out here really stinks). Police followed him some fifty miles to his
girlfriends house, where he was apprehended and charged with auto theft by
straight faced keystone cops with no sense of humor.
Workers at a financially 'strapped' high technology Defense firm are
reportedly being payed with rubber adult sexual toys in lieux of cash,
according to a radio news report Monday. This is just the most bizarre of a
variety of barter arrangements now being made by many cash-poor russian firms,
including coal mines, steel mills, liquor distilleries, factories, and even
nuclear weapons bases.
The really insane thing about this is that nobody seems to worry about
the consequenses of a potential dildo gap arising between us and the 'former'
soviets...has anyone thought about the possibility that these weapons firms
may have finally solved the missile disbursement dilemma which plagued us
during the MX days, thanks to recent advancements in micro-miniaturisation?
Imagine thousands of lonely Russian women simultaneously opening their
'missile silos' and launching micro-dildo-warheads at the U.S. in an
unprovoked secret first strike!
Disgruntled members of a leftist(?) political group disrupted screenings
of "Madonnas" new movie Evita in Buenos Aires, Friday. According to the U.S.
press, the group felt that Eva Peron was innacurately portrayed, and vented
their frustration by setting off insect spray in crowded movie theaters,
smashing windows, defacing Evita posters, and 'scuffling' with police. This
is cool just because it is (hopefully) an embarrasment to "Madonna". I think
if people would only start doing this at the premiers of bad movies in general
all over the world, all of our problems would be solved. Or kill me.
Drifter "Bob" Reporting for AP (Ant Press) news
Copyright (K) 1997 fire ant collective All Rights Reversed
'Protecting the rights of the criminally insane since 1972'
This week in criminally insane news 5-07-97
Hey, none of those 'Texas Republicans' were from Texas!
"Venezuala heist with bad guys not so bad
Good is good and evil is evil - except when it's a
little more complicated than that. Or so it goes in
Latin America, where morality's endles shades of
gray are the stuff of brilliant novels and,
occasionally, even stranger bits of nonfiction.
In the Brazilian metropolis of Rio de
Janeiro, the muggerd, occasionally smitten by
compassion, have been known to give their tearful
victims bus fare home. But nowhere in Latin America
has gentlemanly theft become more of an art form
than here in economically stumbling and increasingly
Rosa Clemente, a college student in Caracas,
knows first hand.One friday a few months ago, she
lived through what is surely one of the oddest car
thefts in the annnals of crime.
Clemente was driving with her granddmother
to a hospital across town to visit her ailing
grandfather. When she stopped at a red light, a man
tapped on the windshield of her ancient red Ford
Mustang and motioned for her to roll down the
Clemente cranked down the window a few
inches, and the man asked her to open her door. She
politely explained that she couldn't as the door was
jammed. The man, backed up at this point by a
friend, then pulled a gun and explained he was
stealing the car. Again he demanded she opne the
Now cowering, Clemente again nervously
insisted that the door was stuck and could not be
opened, even at gunpoint.
The robbers got in the passenger side door.
Clemente's grandmother, forced onto the
sidewalk, was livid. Just how were she and her
granddaughter supposed to get to the hospital to
visit her husband without a car, she demanded of the
men. Couldn't they just swing by the hospital and
drop the women off on their way?
The robbers decided they could, over
So with one thief in the driver's seat, one
in the back seat, Clement's grandmother riding
shotgun, and Clemente sitting nervously on the hump
between the front bucket seats, the little group
drove off to the hospital.
Clemente pleaded to keep the car, and the
gunman admitted they needed it for the weekend.
Next monday, they promised, they'd leave it at a
certain remote intersection for her to recover.
At the hospital, as Clemente's grandmother
climbed out of the car, the pair of thieves asked
the old woman for her blessing. She dutifully
performed the sign of the cross over them. Then
after a final slamming of doors, the armed
chauffeurs drove off. The women hurried inside and
collapsed in anxious relief.
The story only gets stranger.
The next Monday, true to their word, the
thieves left the car for Clemente just where they
had promised, undamaged. She was overjoyed.
But she already had filed a theft report
over the weekend, certain she would never see the
car again. When she called the police to treport
the car found, the cops insisted it now was evidence
in a criminal theft case and impounded it for three
When Clemente finally got her car back, she
found that carpets. the spare tire and other parts
I know I dont have to tell you the moral of that
story. Everyone please say a blessing for ethical
criminals everywhere, Dillinger Lives!!
Copyright (K) 1997 nobody, AP (Ant Press) news, all
rights reversed. "Protecting the rights of the
Criminally Insane since 1348"