Subject: Mad scientists perfect ultimate pet
Date: Tue, 11 Mar 1997 17:39:23 -0800
From: fire ant collective <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Organization: Delta Internet Services, Anaheim, CA
Newsgroups: alt.discordia, alt.drunken.bastards, alt.surrealism, alt.slack
AP Mar 11, 1997
During a series of secret experiments in a hidden base near
cuidad de croatan, Costa Rica, enslaved Keebler Elves working on behalf
of the infamous terrorist organization known as the "Down 'Home' All -
City Bomb Squad, #23rd Ward ALL Stars", have produced a strange three
legged creature which is being touted as 'the ultimate pet'.
Also known as the barstool, because it looks exactly like a
small bar stool and is made of wood, it was created using top secret genetic
engineering techniques acquired through corporate espionage obtained by the
terrorist group during a daring daylight raid in 1994. According to government
spokesmen, armed fanatics raided the main corporate offices of Global
Leviathan Industries near Langley, Virginia in the raid, during which
they kidnapped the famous and widely loved Keebler Elves, actually
wizened Nazi war criminal-scientists left over from world war II, and a
billion dollar cray 9000 computer, all of which was loaded onto
helecopters and transfered into a giant yellow submarine off shore.
Until today the group had remained underground.
This afternoon the 'Bomb Squad' sent a press release to AP news,
along with a sample of one of the creatures which was siezed by government
authorties but not before it displayed it's remarkable characteristics.
Quite simply, the 'Barstool', a mute, shy creature, lives on a diet of
bottle caps, roaches, cigarette buts, beer cans, and pizza crusts, and
excretes five dollar bills, martini olives, and clean dishes. According
to the terrorists, the creature represents "slack for everybody" and the
prelude to world peace.
Representatives of GLI were adamant that all the creatures, which
reproduce by cloning, should immediately be destroyed. "To be frank, if
these things are allowed to spread, we will have the government destroy
the entire planet with our orbital Strategic Defense Laser systems,
Therefore it is in everyones interest to kill them on sight." GLI
executives said that the 'barstools' can be broken apart with an Axe, and
then burned, but the persistant terrorist group has already released a
second press statement claiming preperations of 'barstools' with self
defense capabilities, including camoflage.
Drifter "Bob" reporting for AP ('Anarchist Press') news
copyright <K> 1996 Nobody, All Rights Reversed