Date: Thu, 5 Dec 1996 15:12:29 -0500



Subject: Death and Cows, and other such things...

Well, this is a true story about a roommate I once had while in college in



We were up one night doing some coke (that I of course had introduced him to)

when I said to him just after we had each done a massive line; "hey Chris, you

tell me the worst thing you've ever done, and I'll tell you the worst thing

I've ever done."


Now, a statement like this under normal circumstances will elicit either a

"Fuck You", or at best an entertaining fabrication of some sort because of

course nobody in thier right mind would admit to... Well, like I said, we

were on some really good coke and it had the effect of truth serum on Chris.

So, since it was my idea he went first, and proceeded to tell me the following

story, but first a little background. Chris is a very red neck from Kentwood

Louisiana where his parents own a small (about 300 - 500 acre) dairy farm.

So, Chris gets a very somber look on his face and then begins to tell me

that he's "goin' tuh heyll fur shure", to which I said, "Come on man, it

can't be that bad".


"Whell, bak when I wuz in high school me and my buddies used to..." Chris

paused not quite knowing how to continue, and then looks at me with a gesture

of justification and says "We all did it. I mean it wasn't like I was the

only one..."


By now I was getting a little impatient and said " What Chris?"

"Well, ...we used to go out back to where the milk cows were and we'd

git behind um and... Well, (he raises his voice now in mock anger) if

you close yer eyes it feels just like a pussy!! " Needless to say I was

floored. I had heard of these people, but I had never met one so of course

I said "go on." and he did. "Well (pronounced whale), I mean you just git

behind a nice heifer and lift her tail up and it's soft and warm

like a nice pussy." So, I ask him, how many times did you do this? "Oh I

don't know, I guess for a couple of years" "And I'm goin tuh hail fur shure"

I couldn't help but think of Chris's new girlfriend and her three year old

son and that they planned to get married soon. If she knew where his pecker

had been... So, I then said "So that's all, well you're not going to hell, I

mean from what you say that was normal behavior down there in Kentwood,

LA..." To which he answers "yeah, but that's not all, One day I wuz out on

the baack (pronounced like a sheep baa's) paasture on my four wheeler and I

see's this heifer layin' down so I goes over to'er and checks 'er out, and

shur enuff she's dead". As realization dawns on me I mumbled "ddid you?"


To which Chris say's "I got off and got down on my knees behind her, and then

I lifted her tail out of the way, and I fucked her. There were flies all

around, but she was still warm and I fucked her, and that's why I'm goin' tuh

hail!" Well, I was pretty much speechless at this point, and needless to say

our relationship from that day fourth would never be the same. No longer

would I see Chris walking through the house, from now on it would be "DEAD

COW FUCKER" Of course our relationship deteriorated as he began to resent me

for this bit of intimate knowledge I had about him, and what did he have on

me? Some fabrication about having stolen something big (I of course knew

better, but you have to wonder about the brainpower behind someone that fucks

dead cows).


So, there you have it. Chris is now a psychologist and councellor at a teen

help/crisis center in a small city in southern Mississippi. I haven't

started any of my psychiatry courses yet, but must say that fucking a dead

cow is probably a fairly big sexual deviation medically speaking, and, I

don't know if I'd want my troubled thirteen year old daughter, or son for

that matter falling into the couch of someone that had "fucks dead cows" on

their resume. So, look around you. People aren't what they seem. Ayup.


Crime is better than sex

"What would pleasure be if it were not accompanied by crime?"

-Marquis De Sade

The Marquis makes an intriguing point here, to be sure, but the problem

with this fellow, a rather sad, pathetic figure of fallen "nobility", really,

is that he of course did not go far enough. Sex is practically useless,

compared to crime, if like De Sade and so many of our jaded youth today you

seek to draw pleasure from the very noteriety of your act.


The life of Le Marquis is exemplary. He was notoriously contemptuous of

mere masochists, preferring to revel in acts of active cruelty (though he

played both roles, it was essentially to heighten his own level of 'evil'.)


But the truth is he was simply an oafish masochist himself, playing naughty

tricks like a little boy and then revelling in his punishment by the State in

as repulsive a display of abject submission as any grovelling shoe fetishist.


Lets just think about this for a second. Almost every single one of the

4,800,000,000 human beings on this planet has or will have engaged in sexual

intercourse at some time in their lives, lets say conservatively 95% (counting

out a lot of lepers, vegetables, infant deaths, sexually represed psychotics,

etc.) That means roughly 4,320,000,000 sexually experienced individuals,

i.e. they have 'fucked' or been 'fucked', possibly sucked, gone down, sixty

nined, mutually masturbated, etc. etc.. etc... Assuming an average of thrice

weekly sexual encounters, nearly one BILLION penises are entering one BILLION

vaginas on any given day, a staggering, even sickening amount of sexual

intercourse, (especially if we consider that probably at least 150 million or

so of these reproductive organs probably stink, ooze, suppurate, are infected

with some fungus, wart, baccilus, or virus, deadly or otherwise...) which we

somehow can still construe as a fascinatingly naughty act.


It is in fact about as naughty and rare as a backyard Barbque or a trip

to the Dentist, tho this may vary widely in scope and degree, for example in

Peoria one would imagine there is a lot of very boring missionary position

screwing going on, while the 750,000,000 who live in India, for example, home

of Tantric magic and the Kama Sutra, could be expected to have more

adventurous types of sexual experiments (a quantitative superiority at least

could be born out by their astronomical rate of AIDS infection...) In any

event, inspite of either variety or risk, one still cannot escape the banality.


Now, if you take the standard of 10% at face value, you can assume that

of this number, fully 432,000,000 are active homosexuals, and screw, suck,

lick or bugger, or are screwed, sucked, licked or buggered by, members of the

same sex on a regular basis, let alone the far vaster numbers who have tried

this as a one time or rare experiment. It is even more difficult to estimate

the number of people who have or have had sex with animals, but given the fact

that the majority of humanity still lives in rural settings, this figure is

probably at least in the hundreds of millions. Similarly, necrophiliacs,

pedophiles, shoe lickers, diaper eaters, toilet water drinkers, fetishists of

all descriptions, while perhaps statistically rare, must number at least in

the tens of millions, if not much, much higher.


Thus any sexual act one can consider, no matter how shocking by

'convetional standards', is really very pedestrian. Just turn on The Jerry

Springer Show and you can see what I mean. Even weird tribal fetishes like

piercing your dork, nipples, or clit, putting plugs in your butt, or many

other types of surgical or mutilational tricks, are hugely trendy and popular

with probably half of the MTV audience, i.e. zillions of idiots. Any number

of sub-mornic cretins, literally millions upon millions of them, is capable of

every form of alleged 'sexual depravity', and they can and do indulge in it

with gusto at almost every opportunity, because it's easy and as often as not,



Whats more this is not a new development, by any stretch of the

imagination. Though we are led to believe such developments are new, and due

to us having too much freedom (at a time in which our lives are controlled

more than they ever have been in the history of humanity) this is actually

just more of our pathetic fetish. We can feel like we are especially

depraved, and rejoice in our 'fall' from favor by the invisible monster in

outer space, but the truth is we have always been like this.


This is the actual purpose of all organized religion, to furnish us with

an elaborate guilt-fetish to enhance what are otherwise the banal details of

our existance. The truth is you don't have to go back to Greece or Rome to

find ferocious sexual licence in European history, or in the history of any

other part of the world. This has all of course been going on for thousands,

and thousands, and thousands of years. If anything we are more timid now

days, chimpanzees don't have any sexual repressions at all, neither one

imagines would australopithiticines..


Now of course, many crimes can be considered vulgar too, though not quite

so much so as sex. Murder, petty theft, arson, rape, assault, warfare,

looting, all these crimes and many others are committed millions upon millions

of times per day. But even a petty burglary is a remarkable thing.


For example consider a person who has had sex hundreds if not thousands

of times. Though a few occasions stand out in memory, for the most part one

event blurs into the next. In contrast, having only committed burglaries

maybe ten or twenty times, each of these events tend to be burned into the

mind forever, and are remembered with great fondness.


However burlgary is very mundane for the true fame seeker. There are

certainly some crimes which are more rare and special than others. For

example, while there are probably at least fifty thousand people now living on

the earth who have say, sucked a dogs dick, there is only one person known to

have successfully hijacked an airplane for cash. Plenty of similar examples

come to mind:


Millons have fucked their own sons, daughters, sisters, brothers,

mothers, fathers, grandparents or grandchildren, at one time or another, and

yet the number of people who have robbed armored cars for more than

$10,000,000 dollars in cash can be counted on one hand. There are probably

almost five billion chronic masturbators on this planet, and yet only one

known Unabomber, and furthermore, the Unabomber never had sex. The facts are

quite clear.


John Dillanger was a remarkable individual. Though he is said to have

had a 23 inch penis and had sex frequently, this fact is merely a trivial

detail of his extraordinary life. No other individual in the history of

humanity has robbed 17 Police Stations, or escaped from 5 prisons. By

contrast, Joey Buttafuco is merely the most famous of probably at least ten

thousand or so men world-wide who have had sex with underage prostitutes and

convinced them to try and kill their wives.


So if you want to make your mark on the world, put away that 'tribal

erotica' magazine you are reading. Rip the rings out of your nipples, make

them into lock picks and skelleton keys. Bend your dildoes into grapling

hooks you can use to break into a bank. If you really want to be an

extraordinary person, commit an extraordinary crime, like kill The Pope or

blow up MTV or steal $30,000,000 dollars. Eternal fame is within your grasp!!!!

Drifter "Bob"

"I'd rather Drink than Fuck!"

-Gang Green