Date: Thu, 5 Dec 1996 15:12:29 -0500
Subject: Death and Cows, and other such things...
Well, this is a true story about a roommate I once had while in college in
We were up one night doing some coke (that I of course had introduced him to)
when I said to him just after we had each done a massive line; "hey Chris, you
tell me the worst thing you've ever done, and I'll tell you the worst thing
I've ever done."
Now, a statement like this under normal circumstances will elicit either a
"Fuck You", or at best an entertaining fabrication of some sort because of
course nobody in thier right mind would admit to... Well, like I said, we
were on some really good coke and it had the effect of truth serum on Chris.
So, since it was my idea he went first, and proceeded to tell me the following
story, but first a little background. Chris is a very red neck from Kentwood
Louisiana where his parents own a small (about 300 - 500 acre) dairy farm.
So, Chris gets a very somber look on his face and then begins to tell me
that he's "goin' tuh heyll fur shure", to which I said, "Come on man, it
can't be that bad".
"Whell, bak when I wuz in high school me and my buddies used to..." Chris
paused not quite knowing how to continue, and then looks at me with a gesture
of justification and says "We all did it. I mean it wasn't like I was the
By now I was getting a little impatient and said " What Chris?"
"Well, ...we used to go out back to where the milk cows were and we'd
git behind um and... Well, (he raises his voice now in mock anger) if
you close yer eyes it feels just like a pussy!! " Needless to say I was
floored. I had heard of these people, but I had never met one so of course
I said "go on." and he did. "Well (pronounced whale), I mean you just git
behind a nice heifer and lift her tail up and it's soft and warm
like a nice pussy." So, I ask him, how many times did you do this? "Oh I
don't know, I guess for a couple of years" "And I'm goin tuh hail fur shure"
I couldn't help but think of Chris's new girlfriend and her three year old
son and that they planned to get married soon. If she knew where his pecker
had been... So, I then said "So that's all, well you're not going to hell, I
mean from what you say that was normal behavior down there in Kentwood,
LA..." To which he answers "yeah, but that's not all, One day I wuz out on
the baack (pronounced like a sheep baa's) paasture on my four wheeler and I
see's this heifer layin' down so I goes over to'er and checks 'er out, and
shur enuff she's dead". As realization dawns on me I mumbled "ddid you?"
To which Chris say's "I got off and got down on my knees behind her, and then
I lifted her tail out of the way, and I fucked her. There were flies all
around, but she was still warm and I fucked her, and that's why I'm goin' tuh
hail!" Well, I was pretty much speechless at this point, and needless to say
our relationship from that day fourth would never be the same. No longer
would I see Chris walking through the house, from now on it would be "DEAD
COW FUCKER" Of course our relationship deteriorated as he began to resent me
for this bit of intimate knowledge I had about him, and what did he have on
me? Some fabrication about having stolen something big (I of course knew
better, but you have to wonder about the brainpower behind someone that fucks
So, there you have it. Chris is now a psychologist and councellor at a teen
help/crisis center in a small city in southern Mississippi. I haven't
started any of my psychiatry courses yet, but must say that fucking a dead
cow is probably a fairly big sexual deviation medically speaking, and, I
don't know if I'd want my troubled thirteen year old daughter, or son for
that matter falling into the couch of someone that had "fucks dead cows" on
their resume. So, look around you. People aren't what they seem. Ayup.
Crime is better than sex
"What would pleasure be if it were not accompanied by crime?"
-Marquis De Sade
The Marquis makes an intriguing point here, to be sure, but the problem
with this fellow, a rather sad, pathetic figure of fallen "nobility", really,
is that he of course did not go far enough. Sex is practically useless,
compared to crime, if like De Sade and so many of our jaded youth today you
seek to draw pleasure from the very noteriety of your act.
The life of Le Marquis is exemplary. He was notoriously contemptuous of
mere masochists, preferring to revel in acts of active cruelty (though he
played both roles, it was essentially to heighten his own level of 'evil'.)
But the truth is he was simply an oafish masochist himself, playing naughty
tricks like a little boy and then revelling in his punishment by the State in
as repulsive a display of abject submission as any grovelling shoe fetishist.
Lets just think about this for a second. Almost every single one of the
4,800,000,000 human beings on this planet has or will have engaged in sexual
intercourse at some time in their lives, lets say conservatively 95% (counting
out a lot of lepers, vegetables, infant deaths, sexually represed psychotics,
etc.) That means roughly 4,320,000,000 sexually experienced individuals,
i.e. they have 'fucked' or been 'fucked', possibly sucked, gone down, sixty
nined, mutually masturbated, etc. etc.. etc... Assuming an average of thrice
weekly sexual encounters, nearly one BILLION penises are entering one BILLION
vaginas on any given day, a staggering, even sickening amount of sexual
intercourse, (especially if we consider that probably at least 150 million or
so of these reproductive organs probably stink, ooze, suppurate, are infected
with some fungus, wart, baccilus, or virus, deadly or otherwise...) which we
somehow can still construe as a fascinatingly naughty act.
It is in fact about as naughty and rare as a backyard Barbque or a trip
to the Dentist, tho this may vary widely in scope and degree, for example in
Peoria one would imagine there is a lot of very boring missionary position
screwing going on, while the 750,000,000 who live in India, for example, home
of Tantric magic and the Kama Sutra, could be expected to have more
adventurous types of sexual experiments (a quantitative superiority at least
could be born out by their astronomical rate of AIDS infection...) In any
event, inspite of either variety or risk, one still cannot escape the banality.
Now, if you take the standard of 10% at face value, you can assume that
of this number, fully 432,000,000 are active homosexuals, and screw, suck,
lick or bugger, or are screwed, sucked, licked or buggered by, members of the
same sex on a regular basis, let alone the far vaster numbers who have tried
this as a one time or rare experiment. It is even more difficult to estimate
the number of people who have or have had sex with animals, but given the fact
that the majority of humanity still lives in rural settings, this figure is
probably at least in the hundreds of millions. Similarly, necrophiliacs,
pedophiles, shoe lickers, diaper eaters, toilet water drinkers, fetishists of
all descriptions, while perhaps statistically rare, must number at least in
the tens of millions, if not much, much higher.
Thus any sexual act one can consider, no matter how shocking by
'convetional standards', is really very pedestrian. Just turn on The Jerry
Springer Show and you can see what I mean. Even weird tribal fetishes like
piercing your dork, nipples, or clit, putting plugs in your butt, or many
other types of surgical or mutilational tricks, are hugely trendy and popular
with probably half of the MTV audience, i.e. zillions of idiots. Any number
of sub-mornic cretins, literally millions upon millions of them, is capable of
every form of alleged 'sexual depravity', and they can and do indulge in it
with gusto at almost every opportunity, because it's easy and as often as not,
Whats more this is not a new development, by any stretch of the
imagination. Though we are led to believe such developments are new, and due
to us having too much freedom (at a time in which our lives are controlled
more than they ever have been in the history of humanity) this is actually
just more of our pathetic fetish. We can feel like we are especially
depraved, and rejoice in our 'fall' from favor by the invisible monster in
outer space, but the truth is we have always been like this.
This is the actual purpose of all organized religion, to furnish us with
an elaborate guilt-fetish to enhance what are otherwise the banal details of
our existance. The truth is you don't have to go back to Greece or Rome to
find ferocious sexual licence in European history, or in the history of any
other part of the world. This has all of course been going on for thousands,
and thousands, and thousands of years. If anything we are more timid now
days, chimpanzees don't have any sexual repressions at all, neither one
imagines would australopithiticines..
Now of course, many crimes can be considered vulgar too, though not quite
so much so as sex. Murder, petty theft, arson, rape, assault, warfare,
looting, all these crimes and many others are committed millions upon millions
of times per day. But even a petty burglary is a remarkable thing.
For example consider a person who has had sex hundreds if not thousands
of times. Though a few occasions stand out in memory, for the most part one
event blurs into the next. In contrast, having only committed burglaries
maybe ten or twenty times, each of these events tend to be burned into the
mind forever, and are remembered with great fondness.
However burlgary is very mundane for the true fame seeker. There are
certainly some crimes which are more rare and special than others. For
example, while there are probably at least fifty thousand people now living on
the earth who have say, sucked a dogs dick, there is only one person known to
have successfully hijacked an airplane for cash. Plenty of similar examples
come to mind:
Millons have fucked their own sons, daughters, sisters, brothers,
mothers, fathers, grandparents or grandchildren, at one time or another, and
yet the number of people who have robbed armored cars for more than
$10,000,000 dollars in cash can be counted on one hand. There are probably
almost five billion chronic masturbators on this planet, and yet only one
known Unabomber, and furthermore, the Unabomber never had sex. The facts are
John Dillanger was a remarkable individual. Though he is said to have
had a 23 inch penis and had sex frequently, this fact is merely a trivial
detail of his extraordinary life. No other individual in the history of
humanity has robbed 17 Police Stations, or escaped from 5 prisons. By
contrast, Joey Buttafuco is merely the most famous of probably at least ten
thousand or so men world-wide who have had sex with underage prostitutes and
convinced them to try and kill their wives.
So if you want to make your mark on the world, put away that 'tribal
erotica' magazine you are reading. Rip the rings out of your nipples, make
them into lock picks and skelleton keys. Bend your dildoes into grapling
hooks you can use to break into a bank. If you really want to be an
extraordinary person, commit an extraordinary crime, like kill The Pope or
blow up MTV or steal $30,000,000 dollars. Eternal fame is within your grasp!!!!
"I'd rather Drink than Fuck!"