( ! ! ) ( ! ! ) ( ! ! ) ( ! ! ) ***my new life as a SubGenius mutant***( !

! ) ( ! ! ) ( ! ! ) ( ! ! )

My mom wants me to see the hypnotist at the local "comedy house" downtown

because she thinks if I volunteer to go up onstage he will cast out the

demons that she believes dwell within me.My grandfather thinks I should go

to church so that I don't end up catching crabs from a whore in Alabama

like he did when he was young. My sister thinks I am going to die in a

terrible car wreck and go to hell.My co-workers wear bulletproof vests to

work expecting me to commit the ultimate crime against the conspiracy in

the name of SLACK and eliminate my workplace so that I can force myself

into jobless poverty for Bob.My dad, well he doesn't really give a shit.My

brothers are too busy getting stoned to worry about July 5, 1998.My good

friends think they have plenty of time to scrape up $30 before X Day....

The Conspiracy has played tug of war with me for my peers and family for

22 years.I used to have to go to the Catholic church every Sunday just to

test out my ESP powers, hoping that the priest could hear my telepathic

message of "HURRY THE FUCK UP!" while I gazed at that girl with the big

tits that was sitting next to her dad in the front pew.I used to try and

look down the neck openings of womens dresses as they bent over to pick up

their hymnals, in hopes taht I could get a good bra shot...I have went to

work at the same fucking video store for 3 years now, serving total

fucking idiots.They handle the nuclear power site down the street, but

they can't even rent a fucking video without being a total fool.We're in

good hands...I take anti-depressants because I like to get fucked up and

be able to justify it to myself in a twisted way.....

...Ever since a friend of mine introduced me to Bob and the Church of

the Subgenius, my life has become easier......

......I no longer have to justify the reason I take drugs, as long as I am

fucked up PRAISE BOB...I shook the "catholic guilt" for good, and I

haven't stepped foot in a Conspiracy church for over 4 years PRAISE

BOB!!!...I seem to find at least $1.00 of spare change on the ground each

week, and I use it to buy myself a beer at the local bar PRAISE BOB..I

learned to count on those demons that live inside me, as well as a few

evil spirits I have to replenish by drinking them out of the liquor bottle

PRAISE BOB...I have not only wrecked my car, but I totaled my

grandfather's truck and lived to brag about it PRAISE BOB....I haven't

given a shit if my family thinks I'm a lunatic and has excluded me from my

grandfathers' will, because i've learned that I'm not related to them and

I'm NOT EVEN HUMAN PRAISE BOB...I have had so much sex in the past two

months that my dick is screaming for mercy PRAISE FUCKING BOB!!!! and the

list could go on and on and on and on and on but I'm missing out on beer,

pills and pussy, guilt free PRAISE GOD DAMN MOTHERFUCKING BOB!!!!...

Now that I am frothing at the mouth, I need to go kick the living hell

out of my family and molest a few old men...


Secret Order Ov

( ! ! )


Chuck Key

a.k.a the


currently known

as ( ! ! )

dedicated to a life of UNEXPLAINING THEE EXPLAINED through art terrorism

and total unadulterated SLACK.

"It only matters to those who understand; Only those who understand really


irReverend ( ! ! ) <---pronounced by making a surprised facial

expression of exclamation, and making a sharp gasping sound...

( ! ! ) ( ! ! ) ( ! ! ) ( ! ! ) ( ! ! ) ( ! ! ) ( ! ! ) ( ! ! ) ( ! ! ) (

! ! ) ( ! ! ) ( ! ! ) ( ! ! ) ( ! ! ) ( ! ! ) ( ! ! )