( ! ! ) ( ! ! ) ( ! ! ) ( ! ! ) ***my new life as a SubGenius mutant***( !
! ) ( ! ! ) ( ! ! ) ( ! ! )
My mom wants me to see the hypnotist at the local "comedy house" downtown
because she thinks if I volunteer to go up onstage he will cast out the
demons that she believes dwell within me.My grandfather thinks I should go
to church so that I don't end up catching crabs from a whore in Alabama
like he did when he was young. My sister thinks I am going to die in a
terrible car wreck and go to hell.My co-workers wear bulletproof vests to
work expecting me to commit the ultimate crime against the conspiracy in
the name of SLACK and eliminate my workplace so that I can force myself
into jobless poverty for Bob.My dad, well he doesn't really give a shit.My
brothers are too busy getting stoned to worry about July 5, 1998.My good
friends think they have plenty of time to scrape up $30 before X Day....
The Conspiracy has played tug of war with me for my peers and family for
22 years.I used to have to go to the Catholic church every Sunday just to
test out my ESP powers, hoping that the priest could hear my telepathic
message of "HURRY THE FUCK UP!" while I gazed at that girl with the big
tits that was sitting next to her dad in the front pew.I used to try and
look down the neck openings of womens dresses as they bent over to pick up
their hymnals, in hopes taht I could get a good bra shot...I have went to
work at the same fucking video store for 3 years now, serving total
fucking idiots.They handle the nuclear power site down the street, but
they can't even rent a fucking video without being a total fool.We're in
good hands...I take anti-depressants because I like to get fucked up and
be able to justify it to myself in a twisted way.....
...Ever since a friend of mine introduced me to Bob and the Church of
the Subgenius, my life has become easier......
......I no longer have to justify the reason I take drugs, as long as I am
fucked up PRAISE BOB...I shook the "catholic guilt" for good, and I
haven't stepped foot in a Conspiracy church for over 4 years PRAISE
BOB!!!...I seem to find at least $1.00 of spare change on the ground each
week, and I use it to buy myself a beer at the local bar PRAISE BOB..I
learned to count on those demons that live inside me, as well as a few
evil spirits I have to replenish by drinking them out of the liquor bottle
PRAISE BOB...I have not only wrecked my car, but I totaled my
grandfather's truck and lived to brag about it PRAISE BOB....I haven't
given a shit if my family thinks I'm a lunatic and has excluded me from my
grandfathers' will, because i've learned that I'm not related to them and
I'm NOT EVEN HUMAN PRAISE BOB...I have had so much sex in the past two
months that my dick is screaming for mercy PRAISE FUCKING BOB!!!! and the
list could go on and on and on and on and on but I'm missing out on beer,
pills and pussy, guilt free PRAISE GOD DAMN MOTHERFUCKING BOB!!!!...
Now that I am frothing at the mouth, I need to go kick the living hell
out of my family and molest a few old men...
Secret Order Ov
( ! ! )
as ( ! ! )
dedicated to a life of UNEXPLAINING THEE EXPLAINED through art terrorism
and total unadulterated SLACK.
"It only matters to those who understand; Only those who understand really
irReverend ( ! ! ) <---pronounced by making a surprised facial
expression of exclamation, and making a sharp gasping sound...
( ! ! ) ( ! ! ) ( ! ! ) ( ! ! ) ( ! ! ) ( ! ! ) ( ! ! ) ( ! ! ) ( ! ! ) (
! ! ) ( ! ! ) ( ! ! ) ( ! ! ) ( ! ! ) ( ! ! ) ( ! ! )