Dial For Kids

By David Lynch

 

I recently purchased four bars of Wild Fruits n' Berries Scented Dial For

Kids antibacterial soap from my local Kroger. The bars weigh 3 oz each, and

are pediatrician tested. The bars each come in a separate box, which is

slightly smaller then a cassette box, but as thick as two cassette tape

boxes. The boxes are color-coded to match the hue of the soap contained

inside, with aquatic patterns printed upon them. the boxes are held

together with a sticky label completely covering the top of the box. the

label is brightly colored in blues, pinks, and greens with various undersea

denizens smattered across it. It features the Dial logo in bright yellow

letters, with "for kids" written next to it in a childlike scrawl. "For" is

written in pink, the "k" is written in green, the "i" is written in yellow,

the "d" is written in pink, and the "s" is written in light blue.

 

The variety of Dial for Kids I have chosen to review today is Clean Green,

as opposed to Power Purple or Screamin' Strawberry. The box for Clean Green

Dial is light green with dark green sea horse printed on it. The top and

sides are devoid of printing, but the flaps intended for opening have the

Dial for Kids logo printed on it, as well as "Clean Green" in a wavy

pattern to simulate the motion of the ocean. Correction: "Not Packaged for

Individual Sale" is printed on the back of the box. All in all, the box

isn't very impressive.

 

The soap itself is a very light green, with a very unusual shape. It's

similar to the shape of Zest, but it seems smaller, and the bottom is

curved inwards to correspond with the shape of one's arms and legs. I was

somewhat impressed by this, and found it convenient when washing. The Dial

logo is inset on the top of the soap in lower case letters. The soap smells

very much like Pixie Stix, the confectionary delight of children

everywhere. BUT Dial for Kids tastes just as putrid as any other soap, and

poisonous to those of us hopelessly addicted water, and not good for

eating. The odor is quite alluring.

 

All that was left was the field test. I wrote "MEATLOAF" on my hand with a

black ink pen. I was amazed to find that it took a full 2 minutes and 23

seconds to completely remove the ink from my hand. That's much more time

then it took to wash off ink with Lava or Neutrogena. I was saddened by

this failure. There is no way to test its antibacterial prowess in my own

home, so I'll give them the benefit of the doubt. The soap does work up a

very nice lather, however.

 

So all in all, I was very pleased with the aesthetics, but was sorely

disappointed with its cleaning abilities. I'm not sure I would even

recommend it for children, as the odor could entice them into eating the

soap without proper training. In addition, children tend to get dirtier

than adults, so they'd want a much more powerful soap. I guess it's a good

training soap, but I wouldn't recommend it as anything more than a novelty

soap. Maybe Power Purple or Screamin' Strawberry are better, but I have my

doubts.

David Lynch - eraserhead@iglou.com

-------------| Support The Laser Project! |---------

"Bob" K S <------------------------------------> c p

is my E M | there on the sidewalk | u @ r

answer, V I | written in the concrete | t y

Slack A T | _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ | h s

is my N H | / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ | u m

guide. | ( A | r | a | m | c | h | e | k ) | l .

The fish are | \_/ \_/ \_/ \_/ \_/ \_/ \_/ \_/ | u n

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Packer's Pine Tar

By David Lynch

Note: This review is longer than normal. This is for several reasons, the

foremost being the peculiar nature of the soap and the need to free my mind

from the burden this soap has laid upon me. I hope you benefit from this as

much as I did.

 

I recently obtained a 3.3 oz bar of Packer's Pine Tar Soap. I picked it up

at Taylor Drugs, at the corner of Bardstown and Taylorsville Rd. It came in

a laminated cardboard box with a wax coating inside. The box, as with most

other boxes reviewed, was slightly smaller than a cassette box, but

thicker.

 

The outside appears to be coated in silver foil. The front of the box has a

silver trim, followed by a red trim surrounded with a thin black line.

Inside the red trim is a black rectangle. Inside the black rectangle is an

oval with red trim, which divides the black rectangle into mainly a large

oval with three somewhat triangular shapes in each corner. Inside the red

oval is a silver oval, with a black line to differentiate between the

silver and the red. Inside the silver oval is the actual Packer's logo,

which is

 

PACKER'S

PINE TAR

SOAP

With the latter two lines in an ornate script reminiscent of a barbershop,

and the top line curved to fit the red oval. Underneath is a yellow police

badge on which is printed

PACKER'S

TAR SOAP

ORIGINATED

IN

1869

with the latter three lines in a slightly smaller font than the first two,

in basic print. Note the way the fourth line lines up with the third. To

the left and the right of the badge are ten flags arranged in a wing-like

pattern, five on each side. The upper-left flag has five alternating red

and white vertical stripes. At this point it should be noted that it is

difficult to distinguish the white color from the background silver, and at

least one outside observer considered them to be the same color. The second

and third flags are obscured by the first, but the tips of the flag appear

to be silver. The fourth flag is completely yellow. The fifth flag has

three alternating red and silver vertical stripes. On the right side, the

first flag has five red and silver stripes, and a yellow stripe at the

right end. Again, the second and third flags are obscured, but at the tips,

the second one appears to be silver, while the third appears to be yellow.

 

The fourth flag has a large red area close to the badge, and beyond that

has four silver and white alternating vertical stripes. The fifth flag has

six alternating white and silver horizontal stripes. Frankly, I find this

pattern confusing and somewhat strange. It's almost as if there was some

kind of code represented by the codes; I was made nervous by its apparent

randomness. It further made me wonder if whatever was implied by this flags

had contributed to Packer's long existence; as we shall soon see, little

else could justify it.

 

Written underneath this in large bold letters is: NET WT. 3.3 OZ. These

letters, like the word PACKER'S on the top, is curved to fit the red oval.

Two words are printed diagonally in each of the four corners of the

rectangle. The upper left corner contains the words PURE AS, the upper

right THE PINES, the lower left SHAMPOOING BATH, and the lower right TOILET

NURSERY. Frankly, I'm not sure what they mean by "toilet nursery", but it

sounds punk as fuck.

/-----------------------------------------------------------------------\

| AS ---------------------------------------- THE |

| PURE / PACKER'S \ PINES |

| / PINE TAR \ |

| / ---- SOAP --- \ |

| / ----- ----- \ |

| / ---- ------- PACKER'S ------ ----- \ |

| / ------ TAR SOAP ----- \ |

| / ---- ----- ORIGINATED ----- ----- \ |

| | ------------ IN ------------ | |

| | 1869 | |

| \ / |

| \ NET WT. 3.3 OZ. / |

| SHAMP \ / |

| OOING \ / TOILET |

| BATH ---------------------------------------------- NURSERY |

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------/

This is a rough ASCII rendering of the soap box. I did not draw in the

badge. It may help if you step very far back.

 

OK, that's it for the front of the box. The sides of the box are very

simple, two bearing the PACKER'S TAR SOAP logo in black, one bearing the

word PACKER'S in red, and the final one bearing the ubiquitous bar code,

thus negating any claim to punkness it may have previously had. For people

wanting to special order this soap, the bar code number is: 29936 04433.

 

The back of the box bears the words: PACKER'S ORIGINAL TAR SOAP. The SILVER

FOIL BOX keeps the soap always fresh. This famous soap contains natural

PINE TAR. Since 1869 it has been recommended by many doctors as a shampoo

and complexion soap helpful in many minor skin and scalp troubles.

 

I have severe misgivings about most of this paragraph. I don't see how a

silver foil box can keep soap any fresher than any other box, and I doubt

that this soap was ever fresh. I also find it extremely hard to believe

that pine tar is good for your complexion, and I would hypothesize that the

doctors who have recommended this soap are quacks. It goes on to say, in

thinner letters with an almost subliminal quality to them in comparison to

the thick, solid font of the rest of the text:

YOU WILL ENJOY ITS CLEAN, PINEY ODOR

This strikes me as ominous phrasing, and as it turns out I did not enjoy

the odor. This undermines any subliminal qualities the phrase otherwise

might be thought to have.

 

Beneath it, in the same font as the first paragraph, appear:

Ingredients: Soap Base, Pine Tar, Pine Oil, Iron

Oxide and PEG-75.

 

This is the only satisfactory thing about this soap, as no other bars of

soap I have purchased have listed the ingredients. Below that, in letters

that grow progressively larger, culminating in the D, and then shrink again

is the word GENDERM, followed by a "rights reserved" symbol. Under these is

the information "Marketed by GenDerm Corp. Lincolnshire, IL 60069".

 

Now we get to the heart of the whole horrible ordeal; to the actual soap

itself. I suppose the best place to start is how it looks. It looks like

shit. A small, rectangular lump of shit. The badge logo is emblazoned onto

the soap, but the pattern of the flags does not correspond to the one on

the box. For one, there are only four flags on each side. The top flag on

each side has a band of two vertical stripes near the outside, and three

vertical stripes on the inside. The second flag is obscured. The third flag

has a three-stripe vertical band near the middle, and the fourth flag

consists of five horizontal stripes. Other than some white used to throw

the patterns into relief, all flags are the same color of the soap (that

is, the color of feces; a dull, muddy, dark brown color).

 

Next, to the odor. It is very reminsicent of Murphy's Oil and damp wood. It

is quite pungent. It does not, unlike any other soap, smell clean. There is

not a detectable iota of cleanliness anywhere to be found in this soap's

smell. It is not even a GOOD tar odor, like that of a baseball bat, or

fresh cut wood. This is the smell of the sticky, sappy stuff that gets all

over your stuff in the fall. If you have ever experienced this, you would

know that it is not at all clean. This soap, quite frankly, smells dirty.

 

The consistency before washing it is, when handling the actual soap,

greasy, but when you are finished handling the soap, your hands feel

somewhat sticky. While washing my hands, the soap became extremely greasy

in my hands. Not sudsy or all that slippery (though it will, like many

soaps, slip out of your hands) but greasy. The smell of the soap was

intensified when water was brought near it. It worked up a thin, almost

syrupy lather, which was very unsatisfactory. It left my hands feeling

sticky, and worse, they smell like the soap did. This soap manages to

bridge the spectrum of unpleasant tactile sensations.

 

I used a red Scripto "Super-Stic" med. pt. (whatever that means) pen to

write the word "Meatloaf" on the palm of my right hand, and then used the

Packer's soap to wipe it off. The results were extremely unsatisfactory.

The length of time required to wash the word off was 5:45. As those who

have read my previous reviews know, this is almost five times the usual

time required for cleaning. So far, I have seen no redeeming value in this

soap whatsoever.

 

Odds and ends: The price was $3.59, much more expensive than even

Neutrogena (a soap which, as Zoogz Rift can attest to, is not cheap). A

possible reason for its continued existence: I have heard rumors that pine

tar soap was popular for washing out the mouths of profane young lads and

lasses. (Note: I was later informed by the wise and courteous Mutha Tarla

of alt.slack fame that pine tar soap is used to get rid of pimples on the

back and forearms. The principle behind using such a noxious soap is that

the user's tender flesh will eventually tire of combatting the foul goo

that is being slathered upon it and quit secreting its precious oils. This

is an atrocity against the pores, and I won't support it. I have not tested

the taste of this soap, in part because of the poisonous nature of some of

the ingredients, but it is fairly safe to assume that this is not a yummy

soap. When I purchased it, one of the inner flaps was actually stuck inside

the bar of soap, and I had to pull it out, like Excalibur from the stone.

 

In conclusion, this is, without a doubt, the foulest soap it has ever been

my misfortune to encounter. It soured my opinions of my entire cleansing

industry and ruined my outlook on life for a long number of weeks. Although

I racked my brain, I could not think of any truly redeeming quality that

would justify the existence of this soap. It was only at the urging of Joe

Newman that I have come to review this soap, in the hopes that it will

begin a long healing process for me, and that other can learn from my

mistakes. To quote those wiser than me, this soap was a total fucking

badass bummer. Just say no.

David Lynch - eraserhead@iglou.com

-------------| Support The Laser Project! |---------

"Bob" K S <------------------------------------> c p

is my E M | there on the sidewalk | u @ r

answer, V I | written in the concrete | t y

Slack A T | _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ | h s

is my N H | / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ | u m

guide. | ( A | r | a | m | c | h | e | k ) | l .

The fish are | \_/ \_/ \_/ \_/ \_/ \_/ \_/ \_/ | u n

on vacation. | http://www.prysm.net/~cuthulu | e

23 23 23 23 <------------------------------------> t

 

Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers Soap

By David Lynch

 

I recently purchased a bar of Mighty Morphin Power Rangers Moisturizing

Bath Soap. Personally, I don't care for the Power Rangers. They're false

Conspiracy bulldada of the worst sort, kind of like "Lobster Man From Mars"

or Nick at Nite ads. But my opinions on entertainment have no bearing on

soap, which is what I intend to review.

 

Unlike most other soaps I have reviewed, MMPR Bath Soap is not packaged in

a box. instead, it comes in a plastic tray which holds the soap, and a

plastic wrapper to hold the soap in place. I find the packaging reminiscent

of convenience store snack cakes, but I can't pin down exactly which one.

 

Due to the nature of the packaging, completely accurate measurements are

impossible, but it is approximately 6 1/2 by 3 3/4 inches wide, and 1 1/4

inches thick. The top two inches of the wrapper are forest green with

clunky gold lightning bolts on the left and right. Beneath that is a clear

3 1/2 inch band. Straddling the upper green and the clear band is the MMPR

logo, which I'd estimate 9/10ths of you are familiar with. Still, for the

sake of accuracy, I'll describe it. The logo is basically a purple circle

with a large, yellow stylized lightning bolt similar to the ones on the

left and right of the green band penetrating it, with little blue sparks at

the tip. the lightning bolt divides the phrase "Mighty Morphin Power

Rangers" neatly in two, with "Mighty Power" written on the left side of the

bolt, and "Morphin Rangers" on the right. "Mighty" and "Morphin" are

written in yellow on a purplish/maroon background, and "Power Rangers" is

written in yellow which progresses to green as it nears the bottom. the

sides of "Power Rangers" are blue, and the phrase is undrlined in a

green/yellow horizontal progression. Beneath the logo, "Moisturizing Bath

Soap" is printed in white with a blue border. The bottom 1 1/2 inches (Yes,

I know that adds up to seven inches, I told you the package was impossible

to measure) is green again, and features the same yellow stylized lighning

bolts seen elsewhere on the packaging. Beetween the lightning bolts is a

bold depiction of 5 Power Rangers, with the Red Ranger standing in the

center. He is flanked to the left by the (L to R) Yellow and Blue Rangers,

and to the right (L to R) by the Pink and Black Rangers. "NET WT. 4 OZ.

(113 g)" is emblazoned over the crotches of the Blue, Red, and Pink Rangers

in black letters. Zach and Jason, the Black and Red Rangers, are printed on

the left of the wrapper along with a their name and logo. Billy and

Kimberly, the Blue and Pink Rangers, are printed on the right side of the

wrapper, and are accompanied by their respective logos and names. Trini,

the Yellow Ranger, is separate from the rest of the Power Rangers on the

back of the package, right above the bar code which is printed on the right

of the back. It appears as if the heads of the Power Rangers had been

pasted on after the intitial work, and may be from live-action photos. The

left side of the back has ROVAR printed vertically by the bar code, and has

an umlaut over the "O". "Biodegradable" is printed above "ROVAR", and "Mild

Formula" is printed above that. "TM and (C)1994 Saban Entertainment Inc. &

Saban International N.Y. All Rights Reserved" is printed to the right of

the bar code, and it should be kept in mind that everything but the Yellow

Ranger is printed vertically. I find the packaging to be cheap in

appearance and unpleasant to the eye. It is, however, extremely effective

at containing the soaps odor, which is undetectable as long as the package

is sealed. Of course, the soap also has a very weak scent, which I consider

to be a drawback.

 

The soap is light blue, and shaped to resemble the mask of the Blue Ranger.

It is the size of the palm of my hand, and is flat on the back, like a door

stop or paperweight. I'm no expert, but the soap seems to be a pretty fair

match for the actual Blue Ranger's face and is well-sculpted.

 

Unfortunately, I can't say the same for the back. It features a mottled

Blue Ranger logo which bears almost no resemblance to the logo printed on

the wrapper. It looks like a defect, or a botched wax seal. It also bears

the logo of the Rovar soap company, which came through much clearer than

the MMPR logo. (If anyone knows of other Rovar soap products, let me know.)

It's an extremely soft soap, and I had to be careful not to gouge out

chunks with my relatively long fingernails. This is probably very nice in a

bathtub, but it's an inconvenience when washing your hands.

 

When wet, the soap becomes EXTREMELY greasy, almost Crisco-like in nature.

The lather, which also has a lardish quality to it, is very thick and a

light, almost imperceptible blue. I personally enjoy the lather, and think

it would make a good lubricant; however, I could easily see someone turning

away from it in disgust. The lather rinses from the hands easily, but gets

into the crevices of the face and looks really disgusting. When the soap

dries again, it is coated with a milky film, and I'll bet dollars to

doughnuts that it will leave a huge helping of soap scum. Id did leave my

hands vey soft, though.

 

As per usual, I tested the soap's cleaning ability by writing "MMPR" on my

right palm with a Scripto Super Stic Med Pt red ink pen, which was produced

in Mexico. It was washed clean in one minute and 46 seconds, which is about

average, and pretty much what I expected. On a cleaning scale of 1-10, with

Lava as 10, I'd rank it a 5.

 

All in all, I'd say this soap is a little worse than average. The packaging

is ugly and unoriginal, the design is ill-conceived, the lather is fatty,

and as far as cleaning goes, it's mediocre at best. The price was something

like a dollar, which is about what it's worth. I don't think I'd recommend

it to anyone who wasn't a die-hard MMPR fan, and even then, I'd recommend

just buying a bar of Lever 2000 and whittling it to resemble the /<-Rad

White Ranger. I suspect if you found an old bar of Star Wars or Teenage

Mutant Ninja Turtles bath soap, the MMPR bar would have the same soapy

qualities. Like so much else surrounding the Power Rangers, this soap is

truly mediocre. Pass on it.

David Lynch - eraserhead@iglou.com

-------------| Support The Laser Project! |---------

"Bob" K S <------------------------------------> c p

is my E M | there on the sidewalk | u @ r

answer, V I | written in the concrete | t y

Slack A T | _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ | h s

is my N H | / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ | u m

guide. | ( A | r | a | m | c | h | e | k ) | l .

The fish are | \_/ \_/ \_/ \_/ \_/ \_/ \_/ \_/ | u n

on vacation. | http://www.prysm.net/~cuthulu | e

23 23 23 23 <------------------------------------> t