Bag End Rap


My name is Bilbo Baggins, and you can't throw me

Ain't nuthin' no lidless muthafuckin' eye can show me

Minions of the Muck-Mack might as well blow me

'Cause you Mordor mutha fuckas doan wanna know me

I kipe'd the ring of powa from that greasy little Smeagol

Easier than swipin' a bagle from a beagle

Ring got me faded alla way outta sight

So no way no orc can fade me, thas right!

Me and my homeys like ta kick it at bag end

And our enemies get wasted, so ya betta be a friend

Unless you wanna taste of what we gave the dragon Smaug:

These hobbits doan take no shit from no bitch balrog

Word to ya wizard!




The Original Doctor Rap


I got somethin' to say to 2 Live Crew

Horton heard a who before he heard you

And NWA, they ain't all THAT

They got nuthin' goin' on to match the Cat in The Hat!

Ice Cube ain't much, but in a pinch

He could star in a movie as a second rate Grinch

Salt N Peppa play like they lay hot tracks,

But they can't compete with the Mighty Lorax

Some tired fools think Hammer still rocks

You know he can't touch Fox In Sox

Ice T likes to make like HE'S the man

When you know he's just wishin' he was Sam-I-Am

Lot of fools and wannabe's tryin' ta cut loose

But the first and the best is STILL Dr.Seuss


What's Yer Favorite Jesus?



What's yer favorite Jesus?

What's yer favorite Jesus?

Tell us and you'll please us!

You know you can't decieve us!

What's your favorite Jesus?

What's your favorite Jesus?


Swinging Jungle Jesus

Jesus in Drag

Jesus on the Half Shell

Jesus on the rag

Tap Dancing Jesus

Jesus in a tree

Jesus on safari

Jesus having tea

Yuppie scum Jesus

Jesus on the run

Trans-sonic Jesus

Jesus got a gun

Larry, Moe, and Jesus

Jesus in the crowd

Jesus in yer face

Jesus playin' loud


Killer ninja Jesus

Dancin' Jesus Fool

Hot Fudge Jesus Sundae

Jesus acting cool

Funky Motown Jesus

Jesus robs the train

Jesus on the moon

Jesus who's insane

18 wheeler Jesus

Jesus up 'til dawn

Touchy Feely Jesus

Jesus mows your lawn

Sheer and Easy Jesus

Jesus fresh and free

Lowdown dirty Jesus

Jesus MTV


Tattoo biker Jesus

Football Jesus Coach

Super Captain Jesus

Jesus smokes the roach

Rock guitarist Jesus

Jesus cleans the drain

Jesus off in outer space

Jesus' frozen brain

D.J. Jazzy Jesus

G.I.Jesus Guy

Mighty Wotan Jesus

Jesus P.I.

Alien Jesus Love-child

Jesus in the groove

Jesus Las Vegas

Jesus on the move


Caffine Free Jesus

Jesus-berry Jam

Brand new Jesus diet

Jesus, cheese, and ham

Sneaky stealth Jesus

Good clean Jesus fun

Spaced out Jesus Astronaut

Jesus on a bun

Shiny Elvis Jesus

Texas Jesus Ranger

Pro Wrestling Jesus

Secret Jesus Stranger

Mad Science Jesus

Were-Jesus Howl

Loch Ness Jesus

Jesus on the prowl


Preying Mantis Jesus

Hippy Jesus Freak

Movie Stunt Jesus

Jesus up a creek

Counter-Terrorist Jesus

Jesus on the wing

High Fashion Jesus

Swampy Jesus Thing

Kung Fu Jesus

Jesus ala mode

Jesus for DOS or WINDOWS

Jesus on the road

Chocolate Covered Jesus

Surfin' Jesus Dude

Paratrooper Jesus

Jesus in the nude






Curtains drawn, doors bolted,

The hour draws nigh,

The Black Masques are running;

It's a fine night to die.

Neither fortress nor sheild,

Not sword or spell,

Shall keep us from that

Which we do so well.

Hide away your daughters,

Throw your gold in the street;

Listen at the door -

No sound to our feet!

Heed our every fickle whim,

And still we'll kill a few;

What else did you expect?

That's mostly what we do.

When we've gone, you can tell

By the night that holds so still -

And the absense of the thing or one

We came to steal or kill.







Please buy our album

This ain't no joke

It doesn't cost much

And we need it cuz we're broke

We mean to entertain you,

And it's ok if it's funny

But we're really not kidding -

We need the money!

We brought you a good show

C'mon and buy our CD

Let the record companies know

That we're who you wanna see

Please buy our records,

Prove you're not afraid

Show 'em you've got taste;

It'll get you laid!

Do us a favor, give us a break

Help us make that big score

Your support is all it'll take

Please help us! We're POOR!

Help pay off our insurance

Before the tour bus wrecks

Send us those dollars and cents

We might even take checks!

Please buy our product

It's all we ask, and all we need

It's not as if we suck,

And we've got roadies to feed




Shrimp Ho!




Tiny little men in tiny little boats

They set out courageously

Not a one of 'em over three inches tall

Yet they brave the perilous sea

They sail in uncharted waters

You can hear them where ever they go

Listen in the wind for their call

They sing loud and clear, Shrimp Ho!

Oh, Shrimp Ho, Shrimp Ho!

It's a'sailin' fer shrimp we go!

(repeat last two lines)

Each shoulders up a tiny harpoon

They solidly face their fear

They're all as tough and as salty

As each of the shrimp they spear

When the shrimp are a'runnin'

If you listen for them you know

Where there's been shrimp-sign

You'll be hearing, Shrimp Ho!

Oh, Shrimp Ho, Shrimp Ho,

They'll sail as long as winds blow

(repeat last two lines)

They'll chase their quarry all day

And into the darkest night

No matter how mighty the shrimp

No matter how great the fight

As they sail into the sunset

And the sea is all aglow

A tear comes to your eye

When you hear them cry, Shrimp Ho!

Oh, Shrimp Ho, Shrimp Ho,

Only for shrimp will they slow

(repeat last two lines)




Hey You Buddha Dude!


When I grow up I wanna be an ascended master

Other jobs pay better, but ain't much fun

I'm gonna find a way to get there faster

The universe and me are gonna be as one

Sorry if I seem obnoxious or rude

But I really mean to be a major Buddha Dude!

There are Buddhas everywhere for us to get to know

So here we go...


Buddha on a gameshow

Hacker Buddha Clones

Several Buddhas in a row

Fossil Buddha Bones

Handy Pocket Buddha

Buddha with a wrench

Flying Rocket Buddha

Buddha tavern wench

Buddha at the Psychic Fair

Buddha on a Bender

Buddha Bluffing with a Pair

Buddha rides your fender

Buddha with a back stage pass

Buddha on parade

Buddha teaching welding class

Drink Buddha Lemonade!


Swashbuckler Buddha

Secret Buddha Agent Man

Bronco Bustin' Buddha

Buddha gets a tan

Buddha with cheese sauce

Buddha under glass

Buddha gathering no moss

Buddha up yer ass

Honest Buddha's pre-owned cars

Buddha selling tickets

Buddha hangs with movies stars

Buddha Holly and the crickets

Doctor Buddha PHd

Buddha takes the stand

Buddha sleeping in a tree

Rockin' Buddha Band


Buddha entertains the troops

Buddha on the air

Buddha flying loopty-loops

Buddha with long hair

Savage Buddha, raised by apes

Wailin' Buddha solo

Migrant Buddha picking grapes

Buddha playin' polo

Paparazzi Buddha boy

Friendly Buddha Waiter

Neeto wind-up Buddha Toy

Lord Buddha Vader

Golden Buddha clusters

Light and fluffy Buddha

Feathered Buddha Dusters

Buddha drives a baracuda


Total Party Buddha

Buddha sings the Blues

Buddha goes to Mardi-Gras

Blue Suede Buddha Shoes

Trained Attack Buddha

Buddha On Ice

The Buddha Triangle

Zesty Buddha Spice

Three Blind Buddhas

Unwed Buddha Mothers

Buddha hung over bad

Buddha undercover

Sleek and Sassy Buddha

Buddha hears a who

Buddha does the twist

Wacky Buddha Zoo


Buddhas In The Hood

Beavis and Buddhahead

Shake shake shake your Buddha

Buddha and Ted

Heat Seeking Buddha

Buddha hooked on pez

Fire Photon Buddha

Big Red Buddha Fez

Bouncing Baby Buddha

Buddha of the Seas

Fairy Buddha Princess

Canned Buddha Peas

Tiny Shrinking Buddha

Kewpie Buddha Doll

Red Hot Kosher Buddha

Buddha at the mall






You know what you do when you gotta

Unatural amount of riccota?

You can do wutchu think you otta,

But WE like to stuff a pinata!

Pinatas fulla cheese, that's da biz

Pinatas fulla cheese, that's what it is!

Pinatas fulla cheese, sometimes cheese whiz

Pinatas fulla cheese, and greasy cheesey jizz


It'll be good to see, before you die

Chunks of cheese fall from da sky

Split that sucker, bust him rude

The world is your nacho, dude

We may decide to roll ya

In a mound of gorgonzola

These pinatas just might be

Full of limburger and brie

If the baby gouda's small

Wait 'til the cheddars fall

Or we could go for hyper-sleeze

And use small curd cottage cheese

Pinatas full of Cheese, tempting the nation

Pinatas full of cheese, it's an invasion


Just when you thought it couldn't get betta

Your world is awash in swiss and fetta

There's muenster and there's camenbert

Dancin' crazy in the air

You might get lucky, fella

You could snag some mozarella

Even when it's real soft

The cream cheese stays aloft

Don't forget to fill your pants

With clumps of liederkranz

Better grab some parmesan

Before it's all gone

Pinatas full of CHEESE, striking you BLIND!

Pinatas full of CHEESE, raping your MIND!



Thoth Tooth Soup



You spy in a scrying bowl of Thoth Tooth Soup

The growing spectre of the Dogs of Pee and Poop

It would fulfil you deep inside

If you could turn and run and hide

But the monster chasing you is your LIFE...

It'll hunt you down in the dead of night


Maybe this gris-gris will make you witty

You really need it - your humor's shitty

You suffer from some deep distortion

And have a lousy sense of proportion

The Elder Gods give up their ghosts

When SLACK endows the Hoary Hoasts

The voodoo's costly, to keep me at bay

Three potions taken, three times a day

Peer into darkeness, Try and look hard

The behemoth awaits, it's there in the yard

I'm sure real sorry, if there's any doubt

I AM the demon your mother warned you about

Lip of GOD, papayaroot,

Snakelegs and yer birthday suit

Smoke it to ward off infection

Piss off bees and sustain errection

Wear underwear up on yer head

Dance around when you are dead

Pee in teacups, Scream at cheese

Send "Bob" thirty dollars please

You're taunted by the powers which

Make your spastic colon twitch

You deserve the spells cast on you;

Too bad, there's nothing you can do!


No magic amulet, or secret charm

Can keep you from this special harm

You bleeding pusicule, when I get thru

I'll have to scrape you off of my shoe

Your ugly hunger will tear your soul

From your body, thru your asshole

Maggots won't touch you, in your decay

You make them vomit, They run away

If only you had talent, or money, or class

Maybe I wouldn't have to fry your ass

Elephant's ear wax, humonculous wart

I'm glad I know how to destroy your sort!



The Bootlegger's Boys

(C) ICEKNIFE, 1995

Who killed the bootlegger's boys?

Will no one help the widow's son

We know we'll never know who you are

But can't you tell us what you've done

I scream like bleeding grassy knoll Jesus

Didn't know you'd tear it off if I let you pull it

Do a little song and dance if you think you'll please us

Couldn't show you how to sing along with the magik bullet

All the children suck on glass and chrome

They grow up to be media slaves

You know what was done to you, and you know

They're pissing on Jack and Bobby's graves

If you work from age 20 to 60

You push a fourty year grindstone

They take one fourth, 10 years hard labor

And you're left with your life and mind blown

I shriek like studio quality grassy knoll Jesus

Because you won't kiss us while you do it

How long did you think your rot would disease us

Before somebody somewhere saw through it

All the elders are boxed and forgotten

Just think of the trouble it saves

That's what you worked for - ain't it rotten

They're dancin' on Jack and Bobby's graves

Two weeks out of fifty two of every working year

You're allowed to escape a life that makes you dizzy

Just long enough to shed a single bitter sneer

Then it's back to the world of the numb and the busy

We snarl like hyperspeed grassy knoll Jesus

You said you'd tell us why you did the deed

Did you really mean it, or did you swear it just to tease us

Are we the happy cows on which you feed?

All the little baby wannabe technocrats

Worship the machine, and the road it paves

And the best of everything goes to the fattest fat cats

While they feed themselves on Jack and Bobby's graves


Some day chicken women will rule the world

Then and only then will we know peace

Some day we will be saved by chicken women

When the chicken star rises in the east








[shout] SLACK FRENZY! [whisper] Attempting Inaction

" " " " Gettin' too much traction

" " " " My dynamic apathy!

" " " " It's all too much for me

Releasing the fire that roars in my head

Binding my mind face first to the bed

I'm conquering and winning and achieving my goals

By yawning and stretching and wiggling my toes

I've mastered the force of entropy

By just not moving, it sets me free

This power vortex, it drives me mild

My sleep's too active, my dreams are wild

[shout] SLACK FRENZY! [whisper] I'm a GOD here in bed

" " " " I'm practically dead

" " " " I'm omnipotent

" " " " I'm burnt and I'm bent

I practice sitting from twilight 'til dawn

Sometimes I go out and crash on the lawn

These primal urges that make me sit still

Bend cosmic forces to the shape of my will

I'm just like Brahma, but I don't work as hard

Feel free to join me, pass out in the yard

We're headin' nowhere, and gettin' there fast

We trick the future into thinking it's past

[shout] SLACK FRENZY! [whisper] Out-live seniority

" " " " Ignore Authority

" " " " Sedate the State!

" " " " Sleep in real late

I creep at hyperspeed across my own brain

I keep expanding 'til I fill the terrain

Just give me money and I'll lead you to slack

If I don't kill you, "Bob" might call you back

When saucers get here, in Dallas on X-Day,

I'll claim my seat and they'll take me away

I still don't know why I even get jobs

I'm glad I sent thiry dollars to Dobbs!

[shout] SLACK FRENZY! [whisper] Saucers aglow!

" " " " I'm ready to go

" " " " Flat on my back

" " " " Bloated with SLACK



The Patron



In the city of the damned

There is an ordinary man

Who can not be seen unless he will;

All in accord with his plans

His invisible hands

Make ready with astonishing skill.

There walks a man more ordinary

Than the other man by far

His meager fare, what the street will allow

He prays his plight is temporary

But his hope bears the scar

Of lack of substance in the here and now

To know another's need

Is a mighty gift indeed

Such a man isn't ordinary at all

This man will dispatch with speed

An essential working seed

And what grows of it is never small

The harried man in his travail

Walks a line like a high wire

If he stops, he falls to the streets

Because he dare not fail

His eyes burn with strange fire

Apparent to everyone he meets

Amongst the dregs of the town

Where the wretched are found

The silent man carefully makes note

Those who's souls resound

With that strange secret sound

Are those to whom his skill he will devote

The worried man need not despair,

And in time he will find

That the tale of his woes need not be told

For when he chances to feel there

In his pocket, someone kind

Has placed a month's rent in gold!

The secret man, it is said,

Won't heal the sick or morn the dead

That is not the nature of his giving

He's got it in his head

To keep those with special talents fed

This is his great gift to the living


The Sellsword



I am the man he sent into the valley

I'm the one he'll try to use to rule

He thinks I'll break the warrior's code - he doesn't know me

It seems my highborn master is a fool

Why is it when a warrior sells his service

Confusion clouds the mind of his lord?

It never fails to make me quite nervous

When he can't tell my honor from my sword

Into the valley now I ride

M'lord's pennant flag left in the snow

Though stares are drawn to the sword at my side

There's no one in this place that I know

Many nights spent in preparation

Facing dangers none too few

I move without pause or trepidation

Nothing will stop what I must do

The enemy rides from the east

M'lord's armies from the west

The mettle of both man and beast

Soon will face my test

Tarpits to set aflame

Caltrops by the score

Rockfalls enhance the kill

And the lions will take more

Too late, both armies will know

Neither can win the day

With fire and axe among them I'll go

And every last one I shall slay

When the enemy lies still and cold

And my master's also dead

I lay all of his tainted gold

Beside his severed head

The village in the valley

To this day remains the same

The villagers would thank me,

But I didn't leave my name

Few warriors face such odds,

And live to tell the tale

Yet the baron now faces the gods,

And my honor's STILL not for sale!

Licking Tipper's Nips



I draw the inverted pentagram,

But the blooded dagger slips;

I can't concentrate, I just fixate

On licking Tipper's nips

I've failed my demon masters

I'm a worthless son of a whore

I don't care, my mind's off somewhere

And I'm horny for Tipper Gore

I wanna spread her thighs right here

And fuck her on th' temple floor


Belial's really pissed,

I fucked up the rite

I stabbed at the virgin and missed

I'm like this every night

I keep on looking for her

I hear she's really tight

If I spot that sweet hot ass

I'm gonna take a bite.

I'll lick those nips to a pencil point

While she squeals long and loud

When I moan as she sucks my joint

You know I'll be so proud


Let's spread her creamy thighs

See the look in her eyes

When she sees the size

Of my throbbing, pulsing prize

Who could resist that chunky ass

I could ride that ass all day

I'd bend her over, mount her fast,

And thrust in all the way

I hear her loudly crying out

When she cums she squeals

No one anywhere can doubt

She loves the way it feels


My dread satanic masters

They just don't understand

My powers will grow faster

If Tipper strokes my gland

I'll forsake all their majesty

Just to slurp her clit

Lucifer has lost me,

If I can hold her tits

Tipper is the bimbo

That I need to fuck

And I will remain in Limbo

Unless she'll change my luck





No black helicopters flying overhead

No sewer dwelling flesh eating stinkin' walkin' dead

Spiders big as cadillacs don't roam the neighborhood

Lizard men won't eat you because you don't taste good

Extra low frequencies aren't used to warp your brain

No nazis in the CIA... so you must be INSANE

The truth isn't out there

They can't make you care

It never was and never will be

Move along; there's nothin' to see

Keep repeating that to your selves -

The truth isn't out there, and neither is anything else

No aliens with rectal probes searching for your butt

No goverment men in black telling you what's what

Yetis don't form unions and organize for better pay

Everywhere you look's the same - there is no brand new day

The Loch Ness Monster does not exit

Neither does God - if she did, she'd be pissed

The Truth isn't out there

Everything's what it seems to be

There's nothing new for us to share

There's nothin' new to see

Frogs don't rain from the sky,

If you say they do, you lie

There are no alien infiltrators

Or secret cattle mutilators

Crop circles are no more real

Than what you think and do and feel

There is no light at the tunnel's end

No one anywhere's your friend

The truth isn't out there

The obvious is king

Go ahead, take the pledge and swear

You didn't see a thing

The truth isn't out there

You don't know a thing





A Trans-sonic cry shreds the night

Yeah, you might die but it's alright

If you wanna find out what you're made of

If you're in doubt try YETI LOVE

If you shoot yer seed in that direction

You're gonna need radiation protection

You might make it dude, but human men

Are a source of FOOD for UBBERFEMMES


Take my tentacular extrusions

They will fit her magic glove

My pseudopod intrusions

Announce my YETI love

Her ovipositronic interface

Has got me spewing gamma rays

Inverted mytosis takes place

I grow before her yeti gaze

I puff and swell and bloat and ooze

Wave my antenae in a dance

She probes with her remote cooze

And sets fire to my pants


I can't dislodge her thorax grips

I didn't want to anyway

It helps when our winglock slips

I lick her stinger array

We're both really into rubbin'

Each other's greasy nubbin

We've got no time to waste

We've got to mix the magic paste

That will propel her into space

When she launches from my face

Up into outer space she'll go

With me hanging by my nodes


She gives each extra knob a nibble

All my fluids start to trickle

And her exhudate will dribble

You bet that's gotta tickle

Time the pulse sequence right

And you know I won't miss

I can start a chain reaction

In her every orifice

Thanks to polymorphic DNA

We trade off, ya see

When my scales have burnt away

She'll do the same for me




For Whores of the Apocalypse



Ice water in your heart, not a brain in your head;

For whores of the Apocalypse

You've become the walking dead

You got caught in the noise

Now you believe what was said

Glamwurm, have you ever seen

Someone you love die?

Or is everything you sell

A cash and carry lie?

When it pulses, cracks, and swells,

Do you thrive on rotting smells?

Ice water in your veins and in the brain, not much

For whores of the Apocalypse

You gave up the human touch

Turn down the lights, turn up the sound

Your lameness is your crutch

Squeaky little pink things,

Tell me are ya proud of how you feed?

Does it inflate yer little pecker-heads

To watch the children bleed?

Do you lick your lips, take a sip,

Then slam it back to fill your need?

Ice water in your eyes, and a sloshing in your head

For whores of the Apocalypse

You turned our gold to lead

You traded your soul for pop and roll

You don't even know yer dead

and you don't own a pee-kitty hat, man

no you don't own a pee-kitty hat, oh

you don't even own a pee-kitty hat, yeah

you better go get a pee-kitty hat

This is the signature song for my band, BUGHUNT.






Same old savage Bug Hunt

The kind you've come to love

They tunnel underneath us

And drop down from above

We could be scouting space now

Or tracking wanted thugs

We could be fighting battles

But instead we're hunting bugs



It's a bug hunt, another bug hunt

We better all move quietly

Seems it's a bug hunt, yeah a bug hunt

Just like you thought it would be

We're gonna nail them bugs

We'll make'em pay

Just what they're payin' for,

I'm sure I couldn't say

It's a bug hunt, yeah a bug hunt

What a way to spend a Saturday!


They never tell us where we're goin'

We never know what we'll face

The only thing we leave home knowin'

Is that we may die out in space

Terror and slime drip from the walls

In the face of death we advance

Our sonic pulse guns shake the halls

Grab a bug and DANCE!





We're hopelessly outnumbered,

That's our idea of fun;

I'm morally unencumbered -

I'm a xenophobe with a gun!

There's gonna be a bughunt

Get ready for the heat

Come and dine at the bug hunt

On all the bugs you can eat