LETTERS TO DOBBSTOWN
Your mother and I were surprised to hear that you had
dropped out of law school. We wish you could have called
to let us know. We called your girlfriend, Debbi, and she
said that you had gone to a place called "Dobbstown,"
somewhere either in Malaysia, Guyana, or the South Pacific.
Are you in trouble? You know that your uncles' law firm
can bail you out of just about any legal problem you get
Money still talks, and all that, you know.
Please send a letter or call. You know how your mother
worries about you.
Your Old Man
P.S. I asked your roommate to forward this.
We cannot seem to find this "Dobbstown" place on any
atlas. We and the police have been going through your
dormitory room and have seen all of the "Church of the
SubGenius" paraphernalia laying around. The police also
arrested your roommate on an outstanding warrant for
Have you joined some kind of cult?
Are you really in Dallas? That is the postmark on your
letter, but there is no return address. We showed it to
Father White, and he seemed very disturbed by its contents.
I can assure you, however, that your mother and I have never
belonged to any "conspiracy." Just to be on the safe side,
we have left or resigned from the P.T.A., the Garden Club,
the Junior Chamber of Commerce, Rotarians, and the Humane
We hope this makes you happy.
(Remember, son, if you must have sex with native girls,
please, please, please use a condom. God knows what
diseases they carry!)
Send us a letter soon!
I think that it was extremely rude of you to send a box
full of disgusting things to us. There are laws against
sending human remains through the mail, and I received a
very sharp letter from the Postal Inspector.
Your mother has been reading all of that confusing crap
"literature" you left behind, and is convinced that you have
been brainwashed. For my part, I have contacted congressman
--DELETED--, and he says that "The Church of the SubGenius"
has been under investigation for some time, and that he
plans an official junket to investigate conditions there.
I recommend that you leave that place as soon as
possible. I would not want to see you on television labeled
as a "cultist." That could affect your career for years to
I just saw the news about congressman --DELETED--, his
aides and camera crew missing in Africa. They suspect that
some insurgent movement got their hands on a stinger missile
and shot them down before they could fly on to Dobbstown.
WHEREVER THAT IS!
But the important news is that your mother and I are
getting a divorce.
The other day she emptied our bank accounts and
disappeared, and I suspect that she ran off with some
asshole. Even though I am furious with her, I know she
still cares deeply for you, because she took all of your
flyers, books, t-shirts, mugs and other SubGenius stuff with
I am sure that she still thinks of you every day, and
hopes that you can somehow get out of there without getting
hurt. I know I do.
Just to let you know, I have been talking with some men
who specialize in hostage rescue, deprogramming, and that
sort of thing, and they think that they may be able to help
us out with our 'problem'.
If you do come home safely, just know that there will
always be a home for you here, in the family business.
I pray that you are O.K. I heard that the mercenaries
I sent to get you have disappeared, and that you are still
being held hostage. I wish you could find a way to write or
It have heard that your mother may be on her way to
join you in 'that place.' I know that she has left the
country, but she lost the tails INTERPOL put on her. Please
don't put her through this--I beg you!
She has not been well, and in her weakened condition I
don't think she is a match for whoever is controlling your
life now. God knows what they are putting you through, and
with a mind as fragile as hers, I fear that she might be
I just wish I knew what was going on there. I have
nightmares about torture, murder and forced indoctrination.
I remember what cousin Dick went through in Vietnam, with
the beatings and all.
Just know, that until I see you again, I will burn a
candle in the window, and I have tied a yellow ribbon around
the elm tree in the front yard.
Your Loving Father
You Rotten, Filthy Bastard:
I just got those disgusting photos of you and your
mother (that whore). Is she doing to that man what I think
she is doing? And how dare you put that smut of you and
those girls on the INTERNET for christsakes! God, I am so
I hope you get the worst fucking dose of CLAP that has
ever been seen on the planet! And as for your mother, I
hope she is stretched so far out of shape that a fucking
donkey can't satisfy her!
The whole town knows about our disgrace! I am moving
and changing my name. I HOPE I NEVER HEAR YOUR FUCKING
GO TO HELL!,
THE GUY WHO USED TO BE YOUR DAD