Being the final post in my head-start on the Great Slack Spew of


This was originally posted to alt.discordia, when I worked at a

movie theater and was just getting over my initial bout with Newbieness.

I originally posted this on its own, but I can't remember what I called

it, so I'm posting The Beatus Ffungo's version, commentary included.

Anyway, this is the closest thing I can think of right now to a

rant that I've posted; I'm sure there are more floating around

somewhere. Turn a few periods into exclamation points and it might


Come, and learn what happens when you cross Hal Phillips, a

foolish Christian, and yellow jawbreakers...


Subject: Color Commentary on Hal's Adventures

From: (The Beatus Ffungo)

Date: 1996/11/13



Newsgroups: alt.discordia


Hello, ladies and gennemum, and welcome to the Evangelism Dodging

Section of our programme. In this round, Young Strapping Hal fends of someone

seeking to spiritually pollute him by forcing unwelcome views on him.


In article <>, Hal Phillips <>


> I work in a movie theater in which no work is actually done.

> So there I was about four hours ago, sitting on a bench next to a

> couple of other lazy non-workers. Both screens are playing; nothing to

> do but sit. No customers around.

> Jesus Fan comes in through the door and begins preaching to us.

> Stupid guy. Not a Sutter-Catholic, or a Bimp-Catholic. The kind of

> Catholic who probably thinks that Satan has horns. Talking about

> redeeming souls, that sort of thing.

> I felt oddly restrained. I don't know why. Perhaps it was the

> presence of a tie around my neck, or the fact that I was at work. Maybe

> I'm just not as cool as I think I am. Actually, I think it was probably

> just the realization that the people sitting with me have different

> styles of humor, and probably wouldn't get anything I said. Flaming

> someone isn't any fun without an audience. Anyway, I just sat with a

> laughable silence upon my face as he preached at us.


This isn't starting well for Hal, but it's early yet. He's feeling that

odd reluctance that's so common when one realizes that the evangelizer

deeply believes he is doing you a favor and probably isn't a mean person

at heart.


> Eventually, he started to leave (one of many times), and after he

> shook my hand (which I allowed him to do), he attempted to kiss it. No

> homophobe am I, but I have passed a mandate declaring that no male lips

> are allowed to touch my body at any time, for any reason. I promptly

> pulled my hand away. He then began to talk directly to me, maintaining

> the use of his poetic tongue, rambling in circles about soul redemption

> and Jesus and the spirit and how these three things related to kissing

> my hand. I just stared at him, not responding to anything he said. The

> scene must have been laughable. Not being able to hold it in, I began

> to laugh, slowly at first. Eventually, full chuckles came out.


Ok, the evangelist has just crossed the line. By trying for some weird

hand-kissing scene in the lobby, he has burned away a lot of the

previously felt sympathy. This looks like an opening to me.


> I tell you, the man knew nothing of intelligence. When asked a

> question, he would respond with something 100% unrelated. Even the

> manager who believes that time travel is possible at a speed of 88 miles

> per hour eventually came downstairs and thought the guy was stupid, in a

> circular sort of way.


Hal's starting to get that "eye of the tiger" look...


> Eventually, I got a jawbreaker from the jawbreaker machine. Yellow.

> I hate the yellow ones. I gave it to Jesus Fan. He thanked me, worked

> the jawbreaker into his poetic speech (I will not turn yellow), and

> continued to ramble.


Good move! A weird act of kindness! The fact that the evangelist tried

To act like he understood what it meant makes it even better.


> Finally, I redeemed my horrible lack of action, somewhat. He asked

> me what I wanted to happen to my soul upon my death. I successfully

> alternated between two different extremes, confusing the guy: the stupid

> Beavis who giggles like a teenager who thinks that a religion-spoutin'

> hombre is uncool, and the intelligent smart-boy that I know I secretly

> am. In this form, I asked him intelligent questions that I knew he

> wouldn't be able to answer, as he hadn't ever expected any intelligent

> questions. I asked what his definition of "soul" is, as there are many.

> He proceeded to answer every question he would've expected someone to

> ask him, but still didn't answer mine. When the conversation proceeded

> to the appropriate point, he also didn't know what he meant by "Heaven"

> or "Satan".


The gloves are coming off. The evangelist chose to use a "logic"

Strategy with concepts that are based on faith. By choosing a logical reduction

strategy, Hal is quickly maneuvering the evangelist into the ridiculous


home field advantage for Discordians.


> In the middle of an ostensibly important sentence, I asked him to

> pause while I went to get a quarter for the jawbreaker machine. When I

> came back, he was gone.


Good finish. Not rude, yet dismissive. Overall, I'd give it a seven. I

would have gone with either a false conversion ("You say this Jesus was

born on Christas? So *that's* what it's all about!") or an attempt to

convert the evangelist himself to islam. Of course, that's with the

benefit of hindsight.....


The Beatus Ffungo, Teal Lord of the Oort Cloud U.P.:up


or during my present exile.....