Mad Max IV: Franco's Revenge
Chapter 1, the anarchist terror
Spain, July 19, 1936
Bueneventuti 'Lord Humungus' Durutti and his friends Michael 'Snake
Blitskin' Bakunin and Errico 'Wes' Malatesta were drawing murals in a
ransacked mansion. The three of them were carefully concentrating on their
efforts, thier brutish visages screwed up in expressions of intense mental
effort, as they traced graphiti with sippery blobs of human excriment they
held clumsily in their hands. 'Lord Humungus' grunted with satisfaction at
last behind his hockey mask. "I have defiled this wall. The pain and the
fear are there for all to see." He squinted proudly where he had written
"Helter Skelter: we rule the wasteland" in stinky brown goo.
'Snake' had also completed his task, and stood back to admire his own
graphiti which consisted of a circle A, and the word 'anerky' underneath.
Wes, unable to read or write, threw down his blob of feces in frustration.
"We go, we go now! No more talk! We kill! We kill!"
This seemed like a good idea, so the trio stepped out of the once
beautiful mansion, over the mutilated bodies of several half eaten innocent
babies they had murdered, and joined their motorcycle gang of anarchists
waiting outside, including their other friends Noam 'Toecutter' Chomsky and
Paul 'The Nightrider' Proudhon. 'Lord Humungus' climbed abord his modified
all terrain vehicle, and waved a black flag gripped in his huge right arm,
muscle distorted biceps rippling, to the horde of anarchist-bandits, most of
whom were clad only in chainmail and filthy hides, (some even wearing human
skins) and sporting died mowhawk haircuts. Reaching down he turned up the
nitrus oxide mixture, and was slammed backward as his machine rocketed
forward. He was followed through the dusty countryside by the horde of
hundreds of wicked anarchists riding trucks, stolen police cars, dune buggies,
and motorcycles retrofitted with improvised crossbows and spear firing cannon.
Meanwhile, in the peaceful valley just on the other side of the hill,
Princess Isabella la Catholica was reading the bible to a room full of
crippled children in the polio ward of the local Catholic Hospital. Father
Ignatius 'the friendly inquisitor' Sanchez, was beaming contentedly, toying
with a hand grenade pin he had hanging off of his rosary. 'Beautifully read
my child. Let us retire now to the vestry and discuss building our new
orphanage.' Isabella stood up and wrapped herself with a shawl. 'Very well
father, but first I must give presents to the children.' The children
applauded as she handed each one a silver penny and an apple.
As they left the quaint adobe building, a humble peasant shuffled up, hat
in hand. He held five cents in his hand, and offered it to the Princess.
'Here is your annual rent Sinora, thank you for letting us live on your land.
It is so little to pay for such a privelage, won't you let us pay you more?'
Isabella waved him off, laughing. 'No no sinor, it is our pleasure that you
may live with dignity and comfort. We will raise the money for our new
Orphanage somehow, God willing!' The peasant bowed and walked away as
Isabella and Father Ignatius passed an oil derrek crossing the street and
entrered the vestry.
'Watch your step madame' suggested Father Ignatius, as he held out her
hand to help her step over a case of rifles lying on the floor. 'We have
these rifles, as you know, but would never use them on anybody.' 'Of course
father, of course, only a wicked anarchist would ever suggest such a thing.'
As they crossed the room they witnessed a gibbet in the field outside the
vestry window, from which six ruffians were hanging by thier necks. Noticing
that the Princess was entranced with this sight, the father explained: 'Some
horrid libertarian ruffians were spreading subversive ideas among the
peasants, and they were so indignant that anyone would besmirch your own good
name, that they spontaneously decided to hang them for you. Needless to say
we had nothing to do with it.' The lovely face of the princess was broke into
a beautific smile. 'How sweet of them! Remind me to buy candies for the
children. I do so love the children!'
Father Ignatius nodded, smiling, and unrolled the blueprint for the new
orphanage. 'Here, madame, is where we will build our machine gun positions,
and here we have the prison cells and torture chambers, and over here of
course the Guardia Civil headquarters. Heres a lounge for Pistoleros, and
this is the armory.' Princess Isabella sighed, 'It's all well and good
father, but I'll still feel much safer once Generalisimo 'Mad Max' Franco
arrives.' The father nodded, 'Do not worry my child, he will be here soon,
A hundred miles a way a supercharged intercepter V-8 sped down a lonely
highway with an appointment with destiny....
Meanwhile, a few miles up the valley, the anarchist bandit horde had
begun to ransack a peacefull village of Dwarves. Some of the Dwarves were
looking sadly on as Lord Humungus, Toecutter, and Wes gang raped Princess
Cindarella, who was the former landlord of the Village, and much loved by the
peasants. Meanwhile Snake Blitskin was strangling nuns in the nearby convent
with their own rosary beads, and the Nightrider was trying to subvert the
morality of the Dwarves.
The Dwarves kept trying to sing 'Hi Ho, Hi Ho, it's off to work we go!'
and 'Whistle while you work! Whistle while you work!', being such pious,
hardworking fellows that they were, but Nightrider just got angry. 'No no no
no! You little idiots! Now repeat after me: 'Ding dong the witch is dead,
the witch is dead, the witch is dead, ding dong the wicked witch is dead!!!'
The Dwarves, looking confused, scratched their beards and stared
uncomprehendingly at Nightrider. Dopey looked up, 'Whistle while you work!'
Nightrider roared with fury, and pulling out his shotgun, blasted Dopey right
between his crossed eyes, splattering brains all over the other Dwarves, many
of whom started crying. 'Goddamn idiot!' He picked up a megaphone. 'Now
listen, the rest of you, it's easy, just try it 'Ding Dong the witch is dead''
But now Humungus, who had finished first, got up and zipped up his pants,
growling 'Give me the megaphone'. Nightrider meekly handed it over, and
Humungus began to berate the Dwarves, soon joined by Wes who had finished off
Cindarella with a crossbow. "My Friends" boomed Humungus "There has been too
much violence. Too much pain. We must crush the good and innocent princes
and princesses, and subvert our nice religion, in favor of anarchy and
madness. We will go and get the gasoline. The gas."
As he spoke, a rabbit ran nearby, and Wes turned suddenly and shot it
with his wrist crossbow. Nightrider ran out and picked it up, showing it to
the Dwarves "See! Nothing can escape. Lord Humungus RULES the Wasteland!!!"
Snake handed Grumpy a black flag and a few rifles.
"From now on you are a collective. If sleeping beauty or the prince
comes by shoot 'em in the back. No more private property, now go work for
yourseles!" Weeping, the poor dwarves trudged off into their fields, and began
to toil, for once without any joy since they worked for themselves instead of
their beloved princess...
'Lets stay and terrorise them some more', suggested Nightrider, but
Toecutter corrected him. 'We ride, we have much to do. As long as goodness,
honesty and private property exist in the world, we don't rest.' Lord
Humungus nodded and grunted, and climbing into his vehicle, led the horde
closer to the peaceful valley beyond.
Next time, Chapter 2: Mad Max arrives!
FBI investigating conspiracy of Grandmothers.
AP Washington D.C.
Dec 10 1996
High ranking officials from several federal law enforcement agencies have
revealed the existance of an octogenarian mafia in secret testimony before a
closed House committee on organized crime this week. Agents from the FBI, the
DEA, the BATF and the Central Intelligence Agency all testified before
congress this week regarding ongoing investigations into a clandestine
organization of female senior citizens which pose a huge threat to the United
States Government and the sancitity of our very way of life.
Affadavits from officials revealed monday that six federal law
enforcement agencies are conducting reeco statute investigations of a little
known group known as 'GREMLIN', or "Grandma's Random Esoteric Madcap
Libertarian Insurrectionary Nomads". According to investigators, the group
has been operating in secret for more than fifteen years, with a power base in
Miami which extends throughout the country.
According to testimony revealed by congressional sourcees to AP on a
condition of anonymity, the organization consists of disgruntled grandmothers
who have become opposed to the American way of life and devoted to organized
crime and terrorism. GREMLIN activities are said to include drug smuggling,
counterintelligence, extortion, sabotage, raketeering, voter fraud, and
infiltration, all on a massive scale.
INFLUENCED CALIFORNIA MARIJUANA VOTE, ENCOURAGE BANKRUPTCIES
Top DEA officials revealed to congress monday that GREMLIN agents have
infiltrated several communities across california, and used their influence to
help pass the recent medical marijuana initiative in that state. According to
their testimony, many GREMLIN members have glaucoma, and nearly all are
habitual reefer addicts. The DEA has learned that the medical marijuana
initiative was part of a sinister plot to legalize marijuana throughout the
country, which little old ladies will then grow in their garden plots and
become pushers to raise money.
GREMLIN agents have been encouraging all manner of criminal activities,
ranging from dope smoking to fraud. Investigators revealed evidence that
their have been links between GREMLIN activities and the huge rash of personal
Bankruptcies across the nation. According to one F.B.I. agent: "They tell
people that the banks are ripping them off with high interest rates,
mortgages, and credit card bills. They actually encourage people to go
Bankrupt, to commit insurance fraud, to extort money from large Corporations!
This kind of thing just makes things worse for all of us!"
INFILTRATING AMERICAN JURY SYSTEM
FBI officials also testified that GREMLIN agents have been infiltrating
the American judicial system. Old women are often called to participate on
juries, since most other people have to work, and GREMLIN has actively
encouraged it's syndicate members to attempt to get on juries in marijuana
trials, where they attempt to use jury nullification to throw out legitimate
cases against dopers and drug pushers. The FBI and DEA have reported a huge
rash of criminally nullified trials, but has been unable to successfully
prosecute GREMLIN agents, resulting in the release of thousands of marijuana
addicts and pushers.
GREMLIN agents have also infiltrated many high profile civil litigation
cases against large companies. According to testimony, the famous McDonalds
Hot Coffie case, in which a little old lady sued McDonalds for $5,000,000 for
spilling hot coffie in her lap, was actually a setup engineered by GREMLIN
agents. Their purpose was both to damage McDonalds, and to raise money for
ORGANIZED McDONALDS COFFIE LAWSUIT TO FINANCE TERRORISM, SPREAD CIA
According to federal agents, of the money raised in that particular
lawsuit, one million dollars was sent to the Zapatista Liberation army in
Chiapas, Mexico, fifty thousand dollars were sent to a little known cult
called the Church of the SubGenius, and twenty five thousand to a labor union
in Spain called the CNT. GREMLIN agents have developed expert techniques of
infiltrating juries by using both a little known subversive constitutional
loophole called jury nullification, and by more sinister hypnosis techniques,
sometimes using drugged apple pies to break down the resistance of fellow
Old ladies thought to be affiliated with GREMLIN have also been linked to
spreading slanderous rumors about various government agencies, and especially,
of abusing the Freedom of Information Act to dig up embarrasing information
about the CIA and the FBI. They are believed to have played a large role in
spreading the recent slanderous San Jose Mercury news series about the
CIA-Crack connection in Los Angeles.
OPPOSED TO AMERICAN WAY OF LIFE
Federal witretaps of encrypted GREMLIN communications indicate that
GREMLIN members are sworn to opposition against all federal law enforcement
agencies, against corporate America, and the elimination of television.
GREMLIN members are embittered by bad treatment in old folks homes, negligence
by HMO's and persecution of marijuna smokers by the DEA. They are believed to
have infiltrated many organizations such as the AARP, which they influenced to
vote against Bob Dole in the recent presidential elections.
FBI agents have been stymied in attempts to break into the group, because
GREMLIN operatives have been able to induce symptoms of alshiemers disease
when interrogated. They are also said to have scuicide squads of terminally
ill grandmothers ready to attack at a moments notice, and are said to be
SOPHISTICATED DECENTRALIZED ORGANIZATION
GREMLIN has no centralized leadership, and operates based on a
sophisticated network of bingo halls and knitting groups. Bingo racketeering
is becomming increasingly controlled by GREMLIN cells, and cells communicate
with each other through coded bingo numbers. Their method of organization is
particularly sinister, according to one Federal agent speaking on condition of
"They don't believe in Capitalism, but they arent communists. Communists
we could deal with, you can always work something out with the people on top,
like our friends in China, but these old bitches are into something much worse
than Communism, they are anarchists. They have a form of organization known
as senior-syndicalism, and whenever we manage to bust one cell, another just
moves in to take their place... they aren't just against this government, they
don't believe in any form of government. And thats what scares us."
According to Federal agents, GREMLIN operatives are disgusted with
Corporate downsizing, widespread bigotry, sexism, and racism, and the greed of
the baby boomer generation, and put their faith in their grandchildren among
the so-called 'Super Predators', with a few contacts among Generation X.
According to sources, GREMLIN agents, in co-operation with teenage 'super
predator' hackers, were involved in the recent Visa computer system break in
which over 250,000 Visa accounts were compromised. Contrary to initial
reports, several thousand of these accounts were drained of money, which was
again used to fund a variety of terrorist and subversive organizations, and
allegedly to beef up legal defense funds for several imprisoned hackers.
The generational gap was emphasized in a taped conversation between two
grandmothers, an M.A. Hubbard of Norcross, Georgia, and one Jeanine Lafitte of
New Orleans, Louisiana: "Mama, we can't expect nothing better from these Baby
Boomer kids of ours. Slaves to Mammon, sister, slaves to Mammon. Only our
grandkids who have any courage, and it's up to us to give them some direction,
to empower them to resist THE MAN! Amen sister, Amen!"
The solution to this widespread plague, now with implications of cross-
generational conspiracy, may well be draconian. Rumors abound of several new
'Supermax' Old Folx homes now under construction, as well as dozens of
'Supermax' drug rehabs for juvenile conspirators. Family values can be
restored in these facilities, under appropriate supervision, where inmates
will work for reasonable wages, allowing American Corporations to compete in
the world economy (where many other countries are already leading the U.S. in
cheap prison-labor). According to one top federal law enforcement
offical, speaking off the record: "Anti-Patriotic sentiments are becomming
widespread in this country, and by the year two thousand they may become the
mainstream point of view. Old ladies and little kids thinks it's funny to
ruthlessly exploit giant multinational corporations, taunt rich people while
taking their sweet time to pay rent and interest, and feel that they can call
for investigations of the State Police with impunity. It's none of thier
business if we sold drugs in Los Angeles or anywhere else. Let me tell you
something, if treason becomes the majority outlook, we will have to take
appropriate measures, and if Prosac and Rittilin are not enough, we will take
whatever steps are necessary to ensure the American Way of Life. Everybody
knows that the Constitution does not apply to traitors."
Drifter "Bob" reporting for AP (Anarchist Press) All Rights Reversed (K) 1996