Subject: Notice to all seekers of The Truth
Date: Tue, 11 Mar 1997 22:16:22 -0500
From: "Dr. Phlatus" <email@example.com>
Organization: Renegade Fratnwoc 'Tard
Newsgroups: alt.conspiracy.retards, alt.slack, alt, conspiracy
Greetings friend and seeker of the truth.
I come today with a message of hope; by exposing the disturbing truth
we empower ourselves to take corrective action. I will begin with some
- Fact: Most citizens of the United States actually believe that Bill
Clinton is an Earthling.
- Fact: Most citizens of the United States are unaware of the
- Fact: Most citizens of the United States donít even know that the
so-called "Jehovahís Witnesses" that installed the original
Brain-Chips® are now insidiously installing the Brain-Chips97®.
- Fact: Most citizens of the United States donít know that you can be
labeled "insane", sedated, and incarcerated for simply speaking The
Friend, I wish to enlighten, not frighten. Those who know The Truth must
unite in our stand against the forces that have united against Us. I am
sure that you will be comforted by the knowledge that I have assembled a
legion of scientists driven to not only uncover The Truth but to
develop tools and techniques for stopping THEM. Our laboratory, which I
will refer to as Laboratory X, is located in beautiful Parts Unknown, an
exquisite backdrop for our work.
Certainly one of the most critical problems we face is the level to
which Clinton and his band of interplanetary cronies has disarmed us.
Unfortunately the formerly unthinkable has now become a reality; a
common decent person is no longer able to carry or operate fully
automatic weapons at will. Fortunately we at Laboratory X are developing
many exciting and new methods of maiming and or killing those whose
beliefs differ from our own. One of the most exciting developments is
our Sphincter-Cannon Fiber Tablet® technology. This technology will
allow an "unarmed" person to emit a projectile capable of dismembering
an average person. We are strongly pursuing this type of organic
approach to killing. I will do my best to keep you abreast of these
technologies as they emerge.
Another area that we are concentrating heavily on is the at least
temporary disarming of the Brain-Chips®. Our research in this area is
beginning to yield some results. We have made great strides especially
in the area of the effect of nutrition on the Brain-Chips®. We have
found that some "dietary supplements" will allow a person to think
right for extended periods of time. Especially compelling is the effect
of ethyl alcohol on the Brain-Chips®. Our top notch researchers have
determined that it is possible to think right for weeks at a time by
ingesting large quantities of alcohol. It is especially effective if one
drinks heavily between 8 A.M. and 12 Noon. We must caution that the
government is aware of the ability of alcohol to cause you to think
right and will go to great lengths to keep you out of this state. In
fact, they will put you in jail for merely driving while thinking right!
Yes, friend, there truly is a conspiracy.
Another area I feel must be addressed is that of "Chicken Nuggets".
Certainly the enlightened of you have heard of the fabled "Chicken
Nugget Freaks". Certain people, after a frenzied orgy of "Chicken
Nugget" ingestion., find themselves bewildered and dazed to the degree
that they proclaim themselves "Chicken Nugget Freaks". Modern science
is only beginning to unravel this sordid saga of overindulgence.
Please friend, for the love of God and all that is right and true, stay
away from "Chicken Nuggets".
Unfortunately we that know The Truth must constantly be diligent in our
detection of those people who are wielding supernatural and
extraterrestial brain control techniques. The most disturbing of these
are the so-called "nice people" who you donít know you yet say things
like "Hello" or "Have a Nice Day". These people are the most
unscrupulous in their attempts to implant twisted untruths into our
minds. When you are attacked by one of these types it is best that you
make them aware of your superior knowledge by proclaiming "Iím not
falling for your twisted mind manipulation techniques Pal. You better
save it for someone who doesnít know about THEM." Until a person
unequivocally proves to you that they are not one of THEM you must take
direct action to ward off their vicious attempts to assume control of
your mind. Fortunately our research at Laboratory X has proven that you
can at least temporarily short-circuit your Brain-Chip® by maintaining a
considerable level of ethyl alcohol in you blood stream thusly thwarting
the attempts of THEM to control your mind.
I feel compelled to address the often contemplated Elvis sightings.
These supposed "sightings" are the delusions of the dim witted. Anyone
with their wits about them knows that Elvis is light years away forming
his Intergalactic Armada for his conquest of the Milky Way. Fortunately
for us, it will be years before Elvis returns to our Solar System to end
life as we know it.
Friend, I feel I must now make known to you the ultimate tool we have
available in our search of The Truth. I can not impress upon you
strongly enough the awesome power that this tool possesses. You must be
sure you are ready for The Truth before you witness its awesome power.
That of which I speak is New Kids on the Block or NKOTB to the knowing.
The "music" of NKOTB is laced with extraterrestial and supernatural
knowledge. The greatest impact will be brought forth by listening to the
"music" backwards. The unknowing fool says "That just sounds like a
bunch of noise!" Have these unknowing not heard of speaking in tongues?
True, you will not be able to describe in any Earth language what you
are hearing but does that invalidate all that is said? Of course not!
Coded into NKOTB is a supernatural wealth of information that we can not
describe but we must understand. NKOTB is an extraterrestial beacon of
truth and understanding. The lesser ones will call you "crazy" for
attempting to flesh out the universal Truth encased in New Kids on the
Block but their comments are bound by ignorance. It is a travesty to
mankind that NKOTB has been disbanded by THEM but we can not let that
hamper our quest for The Truth. We must press forward in our efforts to
comprehend The Truth that they were able to disseminate.
Another important source of cosmic understanding are those people who
the unknowing refer to as "Bag People" or "Crazy Vagrants". These are
all powerful cosmic messengers. To the unknowing it appears that these
people are talking to themselves, but they are not. They are
communicating with THEM. Although they are maintaining near constant
dialogues with THEM you must not jump to the conclusion that they are
not one of Us. These people are a tremendous source of The Truth. You
must attempt to make sense of what appears to be random verbage from
them in order to derive greater understanding of The Truth. Many of
these people have acquired their direct contact with THEM by maintaing a
perfect level of ethyl alcohol in their bloodstreams thereby short
circuiting their Brain-Chips® and thinking right for years at a time.
In order to ready yourself for The Truth it is necessary for you to
prepare your body. Proper nutrition is absolutely critical for complete
unity with The Truth. If you listen to THEM, you would be under the
assumption that a diet rich in fruits and vegetables is good for you.
Well, actually its good for THEM. All these vitamins and minerals that
we alledgedly "need" are actually superconductors for Brain-Chips®. It
would make life much easier for THEM if we ate fruits and vegetables
only. That way our Brain-Chips® would be supercharged, allowing THEM to
exert their twisted mind control tactics at will. Well friend, I think
it is time you knew The Truth. A diet rich in red meat and highly
processed cheese products will ready you for the truth. Velveeta, in
particular, is highly valuable in keeping your body in tip-top shape for
The Truth. We at Laboratory X reccomend that you eat at least four
pounds of Velveeta a day; being careful to minimize your water intake.
You will quickly find that a diet rich in red meat and Velveeta will
drastically reduce the amount of time you are currently wasting
evacuating your bowels freeing you to attend to more pressing matters
like unearthing The Truth.