Subject: Notice to all seekers of The Truth

Date: Tue, 11 Mar 1997 22:16:22 -0500

From: "Dr. Phlatus" <>


Organization: Renegade Fratnwoc 'Tard


Newsgroups: alt.conspiracy.retards, alt.slack, alt, conspiracy


Greetings friend and seeker of the truth.

I come today with a message of hope; by exposing the disturbing truth

we empower ourselves to take corrective action. I will begin with some

amazing facts:


- Fact: Most citizens of the United States actually believe that Bill

Clinton is an Earthling.


- Fact: Most citizens of the United States are unaware of the



- Fact: Most citizens of the United States donít even know that the

so-called "Jehovahís Witnesses" that installed the original

Brain-Chips® are now insidiously installing the Brain-Chips97®.


- Fact: Most citizens of the United States donít know that you can be

labeled "insane", sedated, and incarcerated for simply speaking The



Friend, I wish to enlighten, not frighten. Those who know The Truth must

unite in our stand against the forces that have united against Us. I am

sure that you will be comforted by the knowledge that I have assembled a

legion of scientists driven to not only uncover The Truth but to

develop tools and techniques for stopping THEM. Our laboratory, which I

will refer to as Laboratory X, is located in beautiful Parts Unknown, an

exquisite backdrop for our work.


Certainly one of the most critical problems we face is the level to

which Clinton and his band of interplanetary cronies has disarmed us.

Unfortunately the formerly unthinkable has now become a reality; a

common decent person is no longer able to carry or operate fully

automatic weapons at will. Fortunately we at Laboratory X are developing

many exciting and new methods of maiming and or killing those whose

beliefs differ from our own. One of the most exciting developments is

our Sphincter-Cannon Fiber Tablet® technology. This technology will

allow an "unarmed" person to emit a projectile capable of dismembering

an average person. We are strongly pursuing this type of organic

approach to killing. I will do my best to keep you abreast of these

technologies as they emerge.


Another area that we are concentrating heavily on is the at least

temporary disarming of the Brain-Chips®. Our research in this area is

beginning to yield some results. We have made great strides especially

in the area of the effect of nutrition on the Brain-Chips®. We have

found that some "dietary supplements" will allow a person to think

right for extended periods of time. Especially compelling is the effect

of ethyl alcohol on the Brain-Chips®. Our top notch researchers have

determined that it is possible to think right for weeks at a time by

ingesting large quantities of alcohol. It is especially effective if one

drinks heavily between 8 A.M. and 12 Noon. We must caution that the

government is aware of the ability of alcohol to cause you to think

right and will go to great lengths to keep you out of this state. In

fact, they will put you in jail for merely driving while thinking right!


Yes, friend, there truly is a conspiracy.


Another area I feel must be addressed is that of "Chicken Nuggets".


Certainly the enlightened of you have heard of the fabled "Chicken

Nugget Freaks". Certain people, after a frenzied orgy of "Chicken

Nugget" ingestion., find themselves bewildered and dazed to the degree

that they proclaim themselves "Chicken Nugget Freaks". Modern science

is only beginning to unravel this sordid saga of overindulgence.

Please friend, for the love of God and all that is right and true, stay

away from "Chicken Nuggets".


Unfortunately we that know The Truth must constantly be diligent in our

detection of those people who are wielding supernatural and

extraterrestial brain control techniques. The most disturbing of these

are the so-called "nice people" who you donít know you yet say things

like "Hello" or "Have a Nice Day". These people are the most

unscrupulous in their attempts to implant twisted untruths into our

minds. When you are attacked by one of these types it is best that you

make them aware of your superior knowledge by proclaiming "Iím not

falling for your twisted mind manipulation techniques Pal. You better

save it for someone who doesnít know about THEM." Until a person

unequivocally proves to you that they are not one of THEM you must take

direct action to ward off their vicious attempts to assume control of

your mind. Fortunately our research at Laboratory X has proven that you

can at least temporarily short-circuit your Brain-Chip® by maintaining a

considerable level of ethyl alcohol in you blood stream thusly thwarting

the attempts of THEM to control your mind.


I feel compelled to address the often contemplated Elvis sightings.

These supposed "sightings" are the delusions of the dim witted. Anyone

with their wits about them knows that Elvis is light years away forming

his Intergalactic Armada for his conquest of the Milky Way. Fortunately

for us, it will be years before Elvis returns to our Solar System to end

life as we know it.


Friend, I feel I must now make known to you the ultimate tool we have

available in our search of The Truth. I can not impress upon you

strongly enough the awesome power that this tool possesses. You must be

sure you are ready for The Truth before you witness its awesome power.


That of which I speak is New Kids on the Block or NKOTB to the knowing.

The "music" of NKOTB is laced with extraterrestial and supernatural

knowledge. The greatest impact will be brought forth by listening to the

"music" backwards. The unknowing fool says "That just sounds like a

bunch of noise!" Have these unknowing not heard of speaking in tongues?


True, you will not be able to describe in any Earth language what you

are hearing but does that invalidate all that is said? Of course not!

Coded into NKOTB is a supernatural wealth of information that we can not

describe but we must understand. NKOTB is an extraterrestial beacon of

truth and understanding. The lesser ones will call you "crazy" for

attempting to flesh out the universal Truth encased in New Kids on the

Block but their comments are bound by ignorance. It is a travesty to

mankind that NKOTB has been disbanded by THEM but we can not let that

hamper our quest for The Truth. We must press forward in our efforts to

comprehend The Truth that they were able to disseminate.


Another important source of cosmic understanding are those people who

the unknowing refer to as "Bag People" or "Crazy Vagrants". These are

all powerful cosmic messengers. To the unknowing it appears that these

people are talking to themselves, but they are not. They are

communicating with THEM. Although they are maintaining near constant

dialogues with THEM you must not jump to the conclusion that they are

not one of Us. These people are a tremendous source of The Truth. You

must attempt to make sense of what appears to be random verbage from

them in order to derive greater understanding of The Truth. Many of

these people have acquired their direct contact with THEM by maintaing a

perfect level of ethyl alcohol in their bloodstreams thereby short

circuiting their Brain-Chips® and thinking right for years at a time.


In order to ready yourself for The Truth it is necessary for you to

prepare your body. Proper nutrition is absolutely critical for complete

unity with The Truth. If you listen to THEM, you would be under the

assumption that a diet rich in fruits and vegetables is good for you.

Well, actually its good for THEM. All these vitamins and minerals that

we alledgedly "need" are actually superconductors for Brain-Chips®. It

would make life much easier for THEM if we ate fruits and vegetables

only. That way our Brain-Chips® would be supercharged, allowing THEM to

exert their twisted mind control tactics at will. Well friend, I think

it is time you knew The Truth. A diet rich in red meat and highly

processed cheese products will ready you for the truth. Velveeta, in

particular, is highly valuable in keeping your body in tip-top shape for

The Truth. We at Laboratory X reccomend that you eat at least four

pounds of Velveeta a day; being careful to minimize your water intake.

You will quickly find that a diet rich in red meat and Velveeta will

drastically reduce the amount of time you are currently wasting

evacuating your bowels freeing you to attend to more pressing matters

like unearthing The Truth.