Frequently Asked Questions about the Church of the SubGenius

1) Church of the SubGenius. What do you believe in?

2) You say you're a Church. Do you believe in God?

3) What are the End Times?

4) What is Slack?

5) You promise me slack on the condition that I pay for it?

5a) Do Multiple Personalities have to get each of their identities a Saucer Ticket?

6) Are there any more...coherent explanations of the Church

7) So all that stuff about saucers...?

8) So this is a Joke?

9) So the Church is Serious? Tell me why you think it's a real Religion.

10) Are there any rituals for Church members?

11) I was told that alt.slack is where I would find the Church of the SubGenius. True?

12) How do I know if I am a Normal?

13) Is PINK another term for Normal? Or is that what you call someone who doesn't have Slack?

14) Who is Rev Nickie?

15) Who is "Bob" Dobbs?

16) Is the Church trying to Save the World?

17) Will the Church triumph over the CONspiracy?

18) Is there NO HOPE?

19) What really IS the CON?

20) Where can I find MORE information about the Church?

 

 

1) Church of the SubGenius. What do you believe in?

We believe that you should send money to the sacred PO Box: The SubGenius Foundation, P.O.Box 140306 Dallas, TX 75214.

We believe in Slack. We Follow the teachings of J.R. "Bob" Dobbs.

2) You say you're a Church. Do you believe in God?

Sure we do! Lots of 'em! "Bob" Dobbs made a DEAL with some of 'em, Gonna keep us ALIVE come the End Times.

3) What are the End Times?

The End Times are nipping at our heels, dear friends. This is NO TIME to SLACK OFF. FALSE Slack off that is. The Conspiracy has become so powerful that they can BRAG in the mass media about how there's a secret CIA-Mafia-Nazi oil company shadow govemment running the New World Order. They can BOAST OPENLY that they torch whole cult compounds full of families that dare to be HARMLESS LOONIES who FEAR NORMALS. They SHOW OFF their 'crashed saucers' and turn them into TOURIST TRAPS! THEY CAN DO ANYTHING THEY DAMN WELL PLEASE and it's all Just more "entertainment" to the PINKS. HELL -- they even SHOWED THEM A PREVIEW OF X-DAY in theaters last summer in which THE PINKS WIN!!! Every other TV and radio AD has some PINK EVERYMAN named "Bob" submitting to antiSlack happily.

THESE are the End Times. The world as we know it will end, but the Sub Genius will be OK. "Bob"'s got a Plan. You see, the Elder Gods are gonna *whuf* the Humans to catch a buzz. That's right. The Elder Gods are a-comin' soon - July 5, 1998 at 7:00AM Sharp! And "Bob"'s gonna sell the SubGenii to...err, "Bob"'s got a Plan. To find out more, send $2.00 to The SubGenius Foundation, P.O.Box 140306 Dallas, TX 75214.

If you already know that you are "Different", and WANT to be Saved from the Horror and Carnage that awaits the coming of the Saucers (for the Humans, that is. The SubGenii will get Ruptured, and get Revenge too!) send $30 to The SubGenius Foundation, P.O.Box 140306, Dallas,TX 75214 for an Ordainment Package and MINISTER'S CARD granting you every imaginable right, without which you have NO HOPE of boarding the Escape Vessels.

4) You believe in Slack? What is Slack?

What is Slack? If you have to ask, you can never know. You were born with it -- everyone is born with Original Slack -- but the Conspiracy has most of it now. They don't even know what it is, but that hasn't stopped Them from siphoning off what little you have left.

The Slack that can be described is not true Slack. By definition, it is indefinable. True Slack is "Something for Nothing." It is a kind of direct perception, unfettered by so-called "Common Sense."

Happiness is agony compared to Slack. Compared to Slack, NIRVANA is like having your eyes slowly gouged out with a carrot-peeler while receiving electroshock. Ten hours spent basking in the White Light of the Ultimate is like ants crawling up your nose and burrowing deep into your sinuses while you are dying of thirst in the desert in relation to an eighth of a millisecond of Slack.

CERTAINLY the Pinkness around us, and the sheer massive weight of the Conspiracy is enough to send any SubGenius spiraling into depression and paralysis. SURE. Don't feel GUILTY if it HAS so far. There IS a cosmic Slackfulness to blowing everything off, even Slack. But ACCEPT THIS PEP TALK!!! If you knew HALF the toil, orgasms and brain damage that it that cost US just to keep the PO BOX open, and how WORTH IT it is to "FUCK THE MAN" ANYWAY. you would LISTEN UP! This ain't no nickle-dime bum show, this is the REAL THING -- YOUR LIFE and how NOT to WASTE IT. It's the age old problem of distinguishing False Slack from True Slack. True Slack jazzes you up while making you high as a kite and not feelin' any pain. False Slack dulls you out while making you drunk as a Pope and not feelin' any pain. You CAN tell the difference.

 

5) You promise me slack on the condition that I pay for it? The rope is tightening around my wallet and fer what, fer what, fer what???

Balderdash. We don't promise slack if you pay us money. Indeed, many have sent in their $30 and didn't get a whiff of slack. BUT WE ARE HONEST ABOUT THAT. All you get for your money are a few nifty issues of The Stark Fist, stickers, a membership card and ticket for boarding the Pleasure Saucers on X-Day, pamphlets, keen and official-looking Doktorate and Excuse scrolls, and a few other odds and ends. The most important elements are the card and the Excuse scroll, of course--one gets you off the planet, the other gives you all the excuse you need to...

*takes off shoe and raises it high above the podium*

 

GET *WHAM* YOUR *WHAM* OWN *WHAM* GOD *WHAM* DAMN *WHAM* SLACK! *WHAM*

*wriggles toes at audience*

 

Get it? You *could* make your own excuse, but it won't necessarily wash with the Conspiracy--"Bob"'s excuse, on the other hand, scares the fluid clear out of the Conspiracy, and is therefore the ONLY real excuse.

So where's your money, already?

-Popess Lilith von Fraumench

 

 

5a) Do Multiple Personalities have to get each of their identities a Saucer Ticket?

Those that You want Saved, yes.

 

6) Are there any more, um...coherent explanations of the Church.

Coherent explanations? There are some to offer. But there's two levels

to look at this: one is the layout of the dogma, and the other is the

real squirming truth behind it.

First of all, you *do* need to buy some more stuff from:

The SubGenius Foundation

P. O. Box 140306

Dallas, TX 75214

Now as for the coherent explanation of it ... you know what a text

adventure is, right? It's a computer game that is run entirely in text

mode, where you type simple commands ("GO NORTH" / "FIGHT SQUID" / "EAT")

and the computer describes what happens to you next. You ever been on a

text adventure that takes you around in circles and eventually frustrates

the hell out of you? That's what this Church is supposed to do. But the

ultimate goal isn't to get you to hate the Church altogether, in the way

that you'd hate the text adventure game ... rather, the REAL goal is to

get you to stop relying on someone else's narrow instructions. Ultimately

it's YOUR life, and if you accept the constraints others put upon you, you

do yourself a real disservice.

There, that's the most useful explanation you will EVER receive. Memorize and assimilate it. Any minute now, someone's going to come along and tell you what I told you is all black lies

- Pope Lou Duchez

The funny thing about the world is that most people are looking for someone to tell them what's cool or acceptable or righteous or correct. These are not happy people. You can tell

by looking at them. What really rocks my boat and makes life a full-out pleasure to

be lived, even the hard parts, is making my life what I (!!!) want it to be. I'll pit

my joy, intelligence and determination against their desire to hamstring me with

their rules any day. I don't ALWAYS get what I want, but I ALWAYS win because I'm

alive in here and they're walking around like soulless dead things. Life really is a

blank book. Write what YOU want.

-Sister Pammy of the Soil

 

WHAT IF one day you got this weird FAQ that you started reading for lack of anything better to do and suddenly you couldn't stop because it was insane yet... absorbing... about a religion that let you believe whatever the hell you wanted to believe, and the next thing you knew it had you all wrapped up in it like IT, the FAQ, was some kind of 'power object' that could somehow implant a kind of hypnotic command in you that would lure you into this little secret fringe society, an "underground world, an unspoken "rebel alliance" of people who were really decent citizens but at the same time were in a vague, unsaid agreement as to just how MUCH shit The Conspiracy could foist over on us before we'd... well... people who were relatively, oh, "normal" on the surface but still had this anti-establishment "thing" of theirs, on stand-by, just in CASE our continent got to be one of those places where you couldn't SPEAK and ACT the way you FELT just because some unseen "presence," or some force of sheeplike behavior patterning, was making you TOW THE LINE and ACT STRAIGHT and WEAR THAT SMILE and MAKE THAT SALE and WATCH THAT SHOW and eventually THINK THAT THOUGHT and so on... just in CASE there were people in charge who really didn't care what might be left of the planet after they got through with it. Not that things have GOTTEN like that or anything, you understand, but just in ...... and this pamphlet you were reading, it didn't exactly tell you where to go for secret meetings, because these mysterious characters were too slacked out and/or harried by the Conspiracy to be even that organized; it simply let you know that there WERE WEIRDOS LIKE YOU that you could maybe even TRUST. Because if the AWFUL CRAP DOES COME DOWN, the ASSHOLES will gang up to ferret out the 'abnormals,' who tend to want to just fend for themselves. We still have major 'witch hunts' in this country every 20 years or so...

But WHAT IF this little secret society, that was secret because it didn't want to become a society, was REAL- - even if, most of the time, it only existed as an endless spew of propaganda and odd public behavior that always popped up in the strangest places? WOULDN'T IT HAVE TO DISGUISE ITSELF AS A JOKE?? Because it isn't that you want to JOIN something, the last thing you need is another damn political fringe group, and besides, it isn't politics but thinking styles, a whole new mind set... Wouldn't it have to be pretty ambiguous, and never quite let you get a grip on whether they were, like, a sick joke, or if they were serious, or WHAT? (The very fact that THEY raised the question first could itself be interpreted as "part of the act" or as an indication of their sincerity!)

YOU WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO TELL --SO NEITHER WOULD THE CONSPIRACY.

You'd get to thinking, "Could this thing be for real? Is there REALLY something like this going on that I just didn't know about? Or maybe I've heard about this "Bob" crap somewhere but it sounded like just a "take off" on cults and totalitarian societies and Sales Gurus with mysterious powers of LUCK, that had something to do with this SLACK shit? With getting enough SLACK? The Slack I FORGOT ABOUT because of the CONSPIRACY? The Conspiracy that didn't even KNOW it was a Conspiracy, because it was mainly composed of people who thought they were doing the right thing, the Conspiracy that's a self-perpetuating ROBOT with an ENGINE fueled by HUMAN DOCILITY, and there's plenty enough of THAT to go around; the Conspiracy that just KEEPS GOING, KEEPS POUNDING ALONG, FLATTENING EVERYTHING IN ITS PATH, because it IS NORMAL, because it's composed of NORMALITY ITSELF, a Conspiracy that couldn't possibly know what it was about to DO TO ITS SELF but that could somehow be HALTED, or SCREWED UP, KNOCKED WOBBLY by some "bug " in it, some little unruly ball of abnormality that could gum up the motor just before the damn thing rolled over the edge of the cliff -- SAVED by a monkey wrench in the works!

-Pamphlet

7) So all that stuff about saucers...?

All that stuff about saucers and shit? We just made that up. Don't worry about it. Nothing is going to happen. Next question?

-NENSLO

<I KNEW it.>

However, like any good religion, I'm sure someone will have lots of ready-made

answers for the media when they storm the Dallas Headquarters of the Foundation on July 6, 1998, wanting to know what happened to the Sex Goddesses. As if the lowlife media would have been included anyway.

The answers are already in place. You see, IF mankind is not completely annihilated on July 5th (when the saucers take ONLY the most faithful ie those who've paid the most) then it is due to the efforts and sharp dealing of our Savior. I mean, that's what he's doing, man, trying to buy us time to find more SubGenii for the mix.

On the other hand, if NENSLO is just dragging a red herring to distract the faithless, and the saucers really DO come and destroy humanity, then I guess there won't be too much problem dealing with the press, eh?

Either way, it's a great excuse for a party July 4th.

-Reverend Mutha Tarla, Little Sisters of the Perpetually Juicy,

A Proud Jism Schism of the Church of the SubGenius, Worshipping

"Connie" Dobbs and Juicy Retardo since 1986

8) So this is a Joke?

Well, if you thought this Church was a joke, then you'll by God NEVER 'GET' THE PUNCHLINE.

Oh, we're the first to admit that we deliver far more laughs and yuks per dollar than Scientology, the Unification Church, or any other religious group, except possibly the Southern Baptists. But they are for Braindeath. We are against braindeath. That would put a damn bounty on our heads except that we tread the thin tightwire of the jokes just enough not to have been covertly killed Or Bought. MY GOD, look what they did to any of our predecessors that kept straight faces.

No, this is NO joke, NO parody. Only the foulness of your programming keeps you from believing we have thousands of members, nationwide revivals, radio shows, and so on. But we do.

Not only are we not kidding, but we'll even Piss You Of f. Indeed, that's our JOB - our CALLING - our MISSION. We're going to shock the hell out of every man, woman, and child on this planet. It's a big job, and we only have until 1998 to do it. Still, it's enough time for the Church to be infiltrated and made evil if we don't watch ourselves.

YES - BEWARE - the biggest danger this Earth faces is The Church Of The SubGenius becoming POPULAR and turning into one big CHEAP JOKE. The Conspiracy has a way of doing that to damn near anything that comes near it - i.e. tries to make a buck. And when this Industrial Church, this Final Organization, takes full power over the entire globe in '98, it just better not have been tainted and cheapened by such Normal Armies as Pinks, Punks, False Prophets, Hippies, right-wing Nerds, obnoxious would-be hepcats, Nazis, Commies, Glorps or, as the Prophet Hypercleats dubbed them, Mal-Aligned Normals.

The teachings of "Bob" are NOT universal. For the Pink at heart they simply won't work. For the evil they'll backfire. And they'll even be DAMN HARD TO FOLLOW for ignorant Subgeniuses.

But we must NOT water them down: the Conspiracy will assimilate them, twist them to fit Their plans, and sell them back to us in CRIPPLED, USELESS condition.

No, only the truly abnormal, those who are abnormal inside, in their eternal, ungainly souls, not just maladjusted, ONLY THESE must wield the relentless POWER of "BOB" on July 5, 1998, X-Day, when the Angelic Host from Planet X descend in glory and terror.

- Book of the SubGenius

 

9) So the Church is Serious? Tell me why you think it's a real Religion.

OK, let's play Stacked Assumptions, shall we?

First of all, name some things, off the top of your head, that separate man from the common animule.

WELL HUMANS HAVE SELF-AWARENESS. THEY DEVELOP CULTURES AND SOCIETAL BONDS. THEY ARE AWARE OF THEIR OWN MORTALITY. THEY MAKE AND USE TOOLS... COMPLEX ONES. THEY HAVE LANGUAGE.

Anything else?

PROBABLY.

So what if I told you that given these basic assumptions, I can prove to you that the Church of the SubGenius, for a variety of reasons, is the superior church of this planet?

PULL THE OTHER ONE.

No, it's true. First of all... what is a joke?

WELL...

How about this: I'll surmarize, and you tell me if I'm off-base or not. Okay?

ALRIGHT.

A joke is something that requires the listener to understand many things. The rules and tendencies of his world. The attitudes and prevalences of his people. Historical references. Philosophical references. Even a knowledge of the references of humor itself. For instance, what is the stereotypical "First Joke"?

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

Right. And do you know why that is considered the simplest type of joke?

BECAUSE IT'S SO STUPID?

No. And not because it's been told so many times either. It's the simplest joke in the world because it makes the listener do all the work.

EXPLAIN.

If I ask you why a person is crossing the road you're going to want more information right? You'll want to know what the person does for a Living or what kind of neighborhood he or she is in, or what time of day it is. But this is a joke, and one of the rules of a "joke" is that I get to tell the set-up, and then you say " I don't know" and then I get to tell you the punchline.

THAT'S THE PROCEDURE.

So you don't get to have any additional information a bout this guy. Let alone the fact that it isn't a person, it's a chicken. Chickens don't do any of the traditionaL person stuff. So why do we even assume that this chicken would have anything resembling a homo sapien agenda?

BECAUSE IT'S A JOKE. ANIMALS DO ALL SORTS OF THINGS IN A JOKE.

So jokes also involve the suspension of disbelief.

RIGHT. THEY'RE LIKE LITTLE STORIES.

Only with...?

PUNCHLINES?

Right. They aren't necessarily moral lessons, they aren't necessarily rational. They're just unexpected in some way or another. They establish a situation using a combination of story elements, weave an unusual, complex, or emotionally-laden situation (logically known as the "set-up"), and then toss you a curve ball at the last minute. It'd be frightening if it weren't just a collection of phonemes. This, by the way, is why some people don't like jokes.

THEY DON'T LIKE SUPRISES?

Exactly. They don't like not knowing. They don't like being made to play the fool. Let's get back to the chicken. Whether we like it or not, this old chestnut relies on the premise that the listener has heard enough jokes to be familiar with the convention of inexpectedness that we've just discussed, but hasn't heard THIS ONE yet. So the listener, upon hearing the set-up, begins to try and analyze the joke. And what's the only specific piece of data he or she has?

IT'S A CHICKEN.

Right. And we know all about chickens. They're stupid, they live in barns, they make good eatin' . They have chicks, they cluck and look silly. All this, and far more specific data the

individual listener might have. This all gets pulled from the long-term memo banks and into the "Immediate Use" stack. The Listener is getting all geared up for a pun, or a political or cultural reference or something involving the fact that the joketeller has bothered to make it a chicken, as opposed to a person. And, because the question sounds to be in the form of a joke, and therefore is assumed to BE a joke, the listener throws away the on answer he really needs.

THE OBVIOUS ONE.

Right. And when the speaker drops the bomb, so to speak, the listener feels completely betrayed. The obvious, logical, correct answer isn't supposed to be the right answer.

SO LAUGHTER IS A RESPONSE OF EMBARASSMENT?

Pretty much. You laugh because you now know what you didn't know before. And because the joke-teller isn't an actual threat to your status. It's Like sparring. That's why, when one person tells a joke, everyone else tries to join in . To regain status. If the situation caIls for the audience to NOT join in, it means that the joke-teller has some form of status over the audience. Really good joke-tellers can do this whether the situation is an audience-based one or not.

GET ON WITH IT.

In short, a conversation requires Local knowledge. A story requires local knowledge and global information.A joke requires local knowledge, global information, knowledge of human nature and one more thing. Self-awareness.

SELF-AWARENESS. BECAUSE ONE MUST BE AWARE OF ONE'S OWN REACTION TO THE JOKE?

Because if a person isn't being aware of the other person, and of themselves, then they will meet every joke with an"Uh huh." Some people do this. To them it's just a story. It's just an anecdote. Logic puzzles like "A man is hanging from the ceiling,.. dead. A puddle of water lies under him. How did he die?" requires logical thought. Jokes require not only logical thought, but a willingness to throw away any logical premises that won't help solve the joke and keep any that will.

YOU MAKE JOKES SOUND INCREDIBLY COMPLEX.

You got it. The fact that people can share in something as complex as humor is a fucking miracle of evolution.

BUT SOME PEOPLE HAVE BETTER SENSES OF HUMOR THAT OTHERS. DOES THAT MEAN THEY'RE MORE EVOLVED THAT OTHERS?

Some joke-tellers are knowledgable of the rules of joke-telling. That doesn't make them more evolved. What makes joke-tellers more evolved is the ability to invent new rules for joke-telling. The guy who invented "Why did the chicken cross the road?", or at least the guy who decided it was a joke, was more evolved. Listeners are actually passive joke-tellers. The listeners who laugh more are usually more evolved.

WHY?

Because their brains operate so well that they can make connections in their brains that other can't. It's like what Rev. Stang calls a "Self-Amusing Personality". If you can find something funny or interesting or amusing or exciting or pleasurable because you decided it was so, you're one up on the people who have to have their amusement handed to them on a plate.

OH I GET IT. HUMOR SEEMS TO BE THE MOST DIFFICULT PROCESS OF ALL PROCESSES.

And the process involving the greatest degree of self-awareness. Which, as we established, is one of the basic examples of the separation in evolution between man and animal.

WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER ONES?

Cultures and societal bonds have to exist before jokes can be made about them. Language must be shared, otherwise, obviously, the joke can't be told.

WHAT ABOUT SILENT MOVIE HUMOR ... PRATFALLS AND SUCH?

Even a pratfall is only funny if there is some sort of evidence, as it occurs, that no one was hurt. Otherwise it isn't laughing with someone, it's laughing at someone. That's a less evolved form of humor because it is closer to the "fight-or-flee" defense reactions than it is to mental connection.

We'll see if we can't cover the others as we discuss religion.

WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR?

Wel1, alright. What is religion?

GO ON.

Religion is a way to make the universe make sense. It's a way to explain death. It's a way to explain the shortcomings and Injustices of the universe and of our society. It gives solace. It gives justification. It's a comfort against the "fight-or-flee" reaction.

OH, THAT AGAIN. SO RELIGION IS A TOOL?

It's the most complex tool on the planet. We use it, not on a car or a tree, but on our own minds. We have at least five senses constantly taking all this information, and to function amongst all the other humans, we have to organize the information, and apply it to other information in certain patterns. And so on and so on. Religion is, among other things, a form of psychological shorthand. It's easy answers to tough questions.

THIS IS BESIDES ANY OF THOSE THINGS THAT MIGHT HAVE ACTUALLY HAPPENED?

That's not religion. That's history.

WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH HUMOR, OR WITH THE CHURCH OF THE SUBGENIUS?

Well, some might say that humor is a sort of passive religion. It's a set of shared assumptions and agreements we have about the world. I tell a joke, you laugh. I bless you, you kiss my cross. Religion and humor are both ways people keep from killing themselves and others. They're both ways people improve the world without having to do anything.

YOU DON'T SOUND VERY POSITIVE ABOUT EITHER ONE.

Idon't have to sound positive about them. I just have to be positive_in_ them. The medium is not the message.

S0 THE CHURCH OF THE SUBGENIUS IS A FUNNY RELIGION?

Yes but that's not the point. (The Church of the SuLGenius is an intentionally funny religion but that isn't the point, either.) ALL religions, to function, must utilize all those aforementioned shared assumptions and information of its flock. Just like a comedian can't tell jokes to people from a society without humor.

As they say, the best jokes are the ones that make you think. That doesn't mean they have to be morality plays. That means they have to give you something. Obviously, some People (the more evolved) will get more from more jokes; but it helps if the joke is a good joke. Good jokes are jokes with,as they say, "new spins on old themes." "Old themes" is another way to say "established shared assumptions and knowledge", or "society". "New spins" is another way to say "inspiration for revelation". What does "The inspiration for revelations on society" sound like?

A SERMON.

Good. So a religion that utilizes humor as a basic tenet of not only it's own liturgy, but of the original liturgy demanded of it's followers, would be....?

A RELIGION CONNECTED TO THE HIGHEST FORM OF INTERACTIVE EVOLUTION.

Religion is way to establish universal truths. Humor is a way to make sure they're true. Combine them and what.you have is a religion that is constantly changing, constantly insisting on facts, and later discarding them for no less signiticant a reason than that something better has come along.

SOUNDS PRETTY EPHEMERAL.

Well, yes and no. The Church of the SubGenius has changed every day, every second, since it was formed. But it's still around . Some people don't even think "Bob" exists. They say it's just a joke. Some people don't think Jesus exists. They say it's just a religious myth.

What's the difference? The difference is that a joke isn't "serious". But we've already established that all "seriousness" is is a way to deny the importarce of humor. Avoiding humor is a self-defense method against a higher life-form. It's easier to defend one's beliefs if all humor is avoided. There may be a reason that the phrases "bring to light" and "make light of" are so similar.

OR MAYBE NOT.

Or maybe not Anyway do you see, then, that the Church of the Subgenius is the best religion on the planet?

 

WELL SINCE HUMOR IS THE HIGHEST FORM OF SELF-AWARENESS, AND RELIGION IS THE HIGHEST FORM OF SELF-DELUSION, A RELIGION THAT COMBINES THE TWO WOULD SEEM TO BE THE BEST BET FOR ENLIGHTENMENT... FOR THE PEOPLE WHO CAN HANDLE IT. THERE SEEM TO BE A LOT OF PEOPLE ON THIS PLANET WHO WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO HANDLE IT, THOUGH.

Tough shit for them. Any other questions?

 

- the Grand Clavister

 

10) Are there any rituals for Church members? Do you have mystic experiences?

When at last your third face is opened and you can truly see life for what it is, you will no longer need to seek out mystic experiences and ascended masters. In the mean time, you want your answers hot and now, and you're willing to pay us to provide them for you. So be it.

Your life has neither meaning nor finality outside of what we, who should know, tell you; but nonetheless isn't it true that sometimes you seem to get these little 'messages' that leave you... different... than before? Simple insights that cause you to rapidly advance spiritually, financially and sexually, insights that seem to come from nowhere and everywhere at the same time. The Satanists call them 'crystalizations.' The psychiatrists call them 'traumas' and 'psychosis.' We call it a fast buck, or to use the technical term, 'clues.' These clues, these trigger moments, don't just happen randomly. They happen because you're ready for them to happen, you're looking for them. Like m'magic! And like mahgic, you can not just wait for them but _make_ them happen through SubGenius Brand Alleged Ritual Maglck [TM].

If you are a Normal, don't even try to better yourself by using these methods -- let us be better than you, for you! By definition, the average Jane and Joe Dobbs is not capable of improving their station in life. However, if you are a dues-paying member of the Church of the SubGenius, you will find in the following periodic table of real, honest to goodness magek spells a recipe for success, peak experiences, paranormal insight and 'clues.' Endless, endless 'clues.'

We've made it nice and simple for you, just like all the other esoteric mail order cults: except when we say we have ten thousand years worth of wisdom graphed out in a shopping-mall paperback I usenet post, we MEAN it! This list of elements to ritual mygic has worked for royalty and beggars, rock stars and geeks, parents and children the world over for untold milennia -- and it can work for you too, if you

SEND $30 to The SubGenuis Foundation P.O.Box 140306 Dallas, TX 75214

- Rev. Dr. Onan Canobite. There actually IS a periodic table of REAL majik spells!

11) I was told that alt.slack is where I would find the Church of the SubGenius. True?

Look. I told you not to be stupid, you moron. It's just that many of you seem to think that alt.slack=THE CHURCH. I'm not saying that alt. slack DOES NOT EQUAL "The Church." Now I'll try to use small words so you can understand. Alt.slack is a very SMALL sub-set of the Church. It is a sub-set that is NOT a fair cross-section of the membership. This is because there are a lot of people here who probably never even heard of the Church before they got on the Internet. Consequently, they are under the mistaken impression that the Church is some sort of coffee-klatch for, to borrow Stang's words, lonely weirdos who want to "be alone together", JUST LIKE ALL THE REST OF THE INTERNET. This damn newsgroup is too much like a support group for mal-aligned NORMALS who tried to be Normal and FAILED. So yes, I do believe that there are genuine fragments of the Church represented here on alt.slack. But to posit that it is anything more than that indicates a complete misunderstanding of the dis-organized nature of "Bob"'s faith.

- Rev. Nickie Deathchick

 

12) How do I know if I am a Normal?

YOU are not one of Them, and never were, not even when They made you want to be. In fact, that's why They wanted your Slack. It's why you had Slack in the first place.

They did manage to steal most of your Slack. But they obviously haven't got it all, and they haven't got "Bob," and as long as there is ONE FREE MAN among us their system cannot be complete, because it is by nature a closed system, and if we can keep their system incomplete, it will close down of its own accord. By Their own Law. Their Law of Normalcy.

Yes. They wanted you to at least want to be "Normal." Well, you may look normal. You may Act normal. But you aren't normal. YOU JUST AREN'T NORMAL.

And it is the POWER of your abnormality that saves you, that causes their system not to have a place for you, that makes you a SubGenius. The Conspiracy system burns humans as fuel. SubGeniuses aren't humans. They gum up the works.

- Book of the SubGenius

13) Is PINK another term for Normal? Or is that what you call someone who doesn't have Slack?

The pink is this, the pink is that... seems like there's a lot of definitional material on the pink being disseminated on the group. Like it's some kind of HOMOGENOUS PUDDING. The pink may well not be "selfish, empty and helpless". The pink may well be a JOLLY NICE PERSON, muddling through this twisted world in the best way zie can manage. Zie may hold FERVENT BELIEFS. Zie may generously wish to IMPART the substance of hir beliefs unto you. The pink may well be a DAMN SIGHT SMARTER, VICIOUS, CUNNING, MORE CREATIVE and MANIPULATIVE than ANY SubGenius.

I think we're losing sight of the key difference. What they don't have is Slack.

Oh, they WANT it. They would DEARLY love it. But for all the BLOOMING, BUZZING CONFUSION of their behavioural patterns, they will never get

it. And WHY? Who knows, who cares? I don't really CARE about the multitudinous lifestyles of the pink. I can't CHANGE them.

Would the world be a better place with SubGenii in control? OF COURSE NOT. It would still be a FUCKING MESS. Several hundered SubGs watching TV, each with their own remote. A blur of static until one of them threw a brick through the screen. JUST LIKE THIS PLACE. The most likely outcome of planet SubGenius is NUCLEAR CONFLAGRATION because someone thought it would make for COOL LOOKING SUNSETS. The ROGUES "in control" may well STILL get to that. In control? If you have any Slack at all, you KNOW it doesn't let you nail the Luck Plane down. It's what DISTORTS those Creepy Universal Forces that are what Really Controls Everything.

THE SUBGENIUS IS A PINK ZOMBIE. You can't tell if someone has Slack anymore than you can tell if they are CONSCIOUS. And that's the only thing that makes them DIFFERENT. Being conscious is what makes people different from rocks. Having Slack is what makes SubGenii different from pinks. Oh, there's behavioural differences sometimes. But just as there are people with the same apparent level of consciousness as a rock, there are SubGenii feasting on PECULIAR ALIEN FORMS of Slack I can't see, feel, need, or distinguish from PINK. There are weird frenzied rituals devoted to "Bob" in depraved and meaningless ways, rituals of PURE BLACK EVIL... and so on, so forth. The mantra applies:so what? The outputherings of a pink may send me into a frenzied barking orgasmic state of Slackfulness. The outpurtherings of a SubGenius may make me retch and reel. It doesn't matter, because *I'M* NOT PINK. I'm an INDIVIMONIST. And I got Slack, I got RHYTHM, I got to go to the bathroom.

That's better.

The "foundations of life skills and ethics" boil down to: You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear - but you can sure make the pig make some damn fine INTERESTING SQUEALS if you try.

KNEEL BEFORE "BOB" SUCKERS. THIS IS AMBIGUOUS. Amen -

-Freelance Avaunt-Garde Spivontological Brit -- ANY VACANCIES?

-Peter Hipwell

 

14) Who is Rev. Nickie?

Rev. Nickie Deathchick was a SubGenius since the age of 12 (actually, SubGenii are BORN that way, but most NEVER figure it out). In Her Words:

I Don't "pretend" to be superior...I don't judge my own value by comparison to everybody else. I'm great because I devoted 25 years of my adult life to MAKING myself that way.

- Rev Nickie

15) Who is "Bob" Dobbs?

J. R. "Bob" Dobbs is the head of the Church. He was Chosen by JHVH-1 as the leader of The Conspiracy because JHVH-1 was tired of His directives getting lost in the translation. JHVH-1 miscalculated in underestimating Dobbs' independance. "Bob" would be JHVH-1's LUCKIEST spokesperson, but he had no reason to take orders or even remember them. Dobbs immediately started telling people the WHOLE TRUTH.

"Bob' organized the counter-conspiracy and re-established contact with the Xists, trying to resell this pittiful planet right out from under the Conspiracy slave-masters.

" I don't practice what I preach, because I'm not the kind of person that I'm preaching to."

-"Bob" in Newsweek

"We believe that planet is being led to destruction by a race of inferior creatures who place blind trust in their own culturally dictated concept of "intelligence." Look, you guys, you know as well as I do...they may be smart, but they don't have good sense."

-"Bob" to the Senate Subcommittee, 1956

"If you haven't been there, I can't tell you how to get there. But you have been there, I can show you how to stay there."

- Dobbs, in 1965 Sales Lecture

 

You can read ALL about "Bob" if you send $2 to The SubGenius Foundation, P.O.Box 140306 Dallas, TX 75214.

 

16) Is the Church trying to Save the World?

If, because we seem to preach that everyone is going to get screwed no matter what, we seem like total cynics to you, you're WAY OFF. If we were that cynical, do you think we would put our literal asses on the line, dangling our "sins" in front of the Conspiracy? We wouldn't do it if we didn't think there was HOPE. We know America is still worth saving. We know enough people out there will understand this to make us rich.

When the Xists arrive in their illusory ships of light, and after the 3rd, 4th, and 5th Comings, this planet will no longer belong to the humans OR the SubGeniuses. That puts this beyond politics and religion; it points out that an entire mind-set has to be erased.

Idiots think that politics can supply an answer. Bullshit. Politics are abstract constructions: false, oversimplified coloring-book versions of life. They can't have any effective bearing on your concrete daily grind; they're just different ways of looking at the same things. We want to stop looking at those things entirely. They've become sterile and ineffectual

because they long ago became rote activity conditioned into a society that was moving too fast for its own good. We're like the wheels of a bogged down car, spinning deeper and deeper into the mud as our panic at finding ourselves stuck increases. To get OUT, we must SLOW DOWN. If we calm ourselves, step out of the car and look around for some old, flat rock that just happens to make a perfect ramp for wheels, we can stick that sucker down there, climb back in, and gently rock the car back and forth until we pop right out of the rut.

Thanks to aeons-tested Conspiracy False Slack programs, however, most people, when faced with trouble, spend more of their time abjectly staring at the problem instead of looking away from it for the obvious solutions that are everywhere. Now, we can't do anything about people who are born without imagination. But we can sure as hell KICK ASS on those who are just too lazy - or too harried - to use it. They're sitting there, letting their most precious quality rot when they should be sitting there pumping iron with it. GOOD GOD, it's not like we're asking them to get up. We just don't want "getting up" to be outlawed.

We don't need to know what kind of government we'll replace the Conspiracy with. Our forefathers fought for independence first and then sat down to figure out exactly what the "United States" was going to be. In their primitive way, they tried to opt for less government. We should know by now that the next step is NO GOVERNMENT except by the laws of SLACK. (Coninfiltrated 'Anarchist' political groups are STILL POLITICAL.) Politics is a dead end. Don't revise the rule book - throw it out.

A couple of decades back, we'd have been hung for saying things like that. But today, in the 1990's, we'll make a million dollars off of it.

That, perhaps as much as anything else, indicates the depths to which this nation has sunk.

This is a crooked and perverse nation, friend. People are more worried about the economy than ecology. JESUS! The lack of money makes life difficult alright, but the presence of radiation and deathkulture chemicals is the very antithesis of life itself... and people run around arguing about the price of god damn pantyhose.

One thing we MUST prevent, therefore, is letting the Church become a soporific, a "drug" that lets us accept the death of all life on Earth. Yeah, THAT'S funny, HA HA! This better not become some god-awful End Times PORN for those who can only "get off" on fear-and-laughter. The Church should make it easier to conceive of the humans' inconceivable threat to themselves, but ONLY IF THAT MAKES US DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

THAT is the whole point.

Our twisted Hell Shit that all those poor saps send off a dollar for has to do more than merely put an uglier slant on what started out ugly enough. SLACK? YEAH, you'll laugh all the way to the fully-equipped survival shelter when "Bob" lets you in on the joke.

"Bob" can handle the Aliens, but we must police ourselves.

- Book of the SubGenius

 

 

 

17) Will the Church triumph over the CONspiracy?

It's obvious, of course, that the world in general is an idiot's delight, a contrived mediocrity designed to keep morons occupied. Just look at the notorious "conspiracy media," not the decoy "reputable" media, that's just a distraction, window dressing to make things Look good; I mean the stuff people really read, and really believe whether they admit it or not. Look at the tabloids, the true crime magazines, the TV Murder Shows, two-inch-thick metallic- embossed-covered hack sci-fi novels and romances, lame movie "thrillers," manufactured music-personaLities. It's bread and circuses, with politicians as the clowns, except the more "fun" you want to have, the more you have to pay! Don't act like you haven't thought about how bad that stuff sucks, you talk about it all the time, the question is, what are you going to do about it??

"They," the Conspiracy, want you to buy all their crap, work hard all day at a mindless slave-task to pay for more machines to play their indoctrination programs on, to fill your home with pseudo-collectables in a limited numbered edition of a goddamn zillion. You KNOW ALL THAT!! We've told you and told you all that and if you don't believe it by now therm's NO HOPE FOR YOU AT ALL and you might as well climb back over the fence and roll in the mud with the rest of the slavish porkers, right?? So you say to yourself, "Okay, I know what the Conspiracy wants from me, I know how they work, and what they do, and I'm NOT BUYING IT!! By gabbs, I'm gonna NOT do what they tell me to! I'm THROWIN' AWAY MY TEEVEE, smashing my porcelain thimble collection, frisbeeing my CDs off lover's leap and joining the radical anti-government party to learn how to make bombs!! I'm shaving my head and burning my house down and the more they tell me not to the more I'll LAUGH in their faces and echo the noble sentiments of whoever it was that said FREE AT LAST FREE AT LAST THANK BLOB ALMIGHTY I'M FREE AT LAST!!" Right?

Sucker -

You think they didn't plan for that? You think they'll be surprised, huddling around their long mahogany table, appalled that one tenth of one percent of the population has "caught on" and won't go up the slaughterhouse ramp like good little lambies?? Har dee har har. Listen, they know they can't dupe everyone with the same turd-brain programming system. They know there are going to be a few who are just sharp enough to shake themselves awake and look around to see that the green pastures and still waters they were lying down by are actually a clanking conveyor belt carrying them relentlessly toward The Whirling Blades. They had that worked out a long time ago! They LOVE it when the ones who see the horror of the conspiracy program "go public" with their ghastly revelations or join radical anarchist comnunes or otherwise render themselves ENTIRELY UNBELIEVABLE!! Who do you think INVENTED hippies, punk rock, anarchism, youth gangs, "grafitti art," rock and roll, hallucinogenic drugs, the New Age Movement, Christianity, cult films, alternative what-have-you?? Sure, it was some lone radical disillusioned soul at first, for about six months, but by the time WE heard about it, it was already a pre-packaged Official Conspiracy Product!!

Oh, but the Church of the SubGenius is different, right? It's neither a Conspiracy Mediocretin Brainwashing Program nor a Dead-end Escapee Trap! "Bob" isn't just a cheap product or just a mind-numbing neuronic whip or a gaily-painted prison cell of one sort or another to confine drooling videots or raving reactionaries, right? Right right right???

HAW HAW WRONG AGAIN! Look, why don't you just give up trying to think at all, little Ms. and Mr. Einstein Jr., and pay attention. The Con has got all the bases covered, it owns the ball and the ballpark. Everything you can or will think or decide, it has already got classified by numerical designation on big spinning spools of half-inch magnetic tape. You sitting here reading this right now, thinking what you're thinking, wearing those clothes in that environment, tasting that particular taste in your mouth and hearing that particular tinny whine in your ear, the one you don't always notice but which is always there, THEY GOT A NUMBER FOR IT. Believe me, they got it all figured, dissected, classified and stuck in Little boxes.

So, what do I do, you may ask. You just can't win, you can't outsmart Them, you can't think or do anything that they haven't already decided you will probably think or do, you can't find a chink in their armor, NOT EVEN "BOB" BECAUSE HE'S JUST ANOTHER PART OF IT ALL! So it's time to pack it in, just give up and shoot yourself in the head like you've been threatening to do just to get attention and sympathy but this time you really will do it. And that, too, is just what They want you to do.

There really is no way out. All that 'Smash the Con" stuff is fun and amusing, but putting your head under the machine's enormous clattering treads isn't going to slow it one tiny bit. It's utterly utterly hopeless. Just stop fighting it. Give up, you're only making things harder for everyone. All that kicking and screaming is only disturbing the peaceful slumbers of the rest of us.

Oh, I'm not saying you should simply get in line and walk under the hammer, but if you can't do anything else, you might as well try to see something positive about it. Sure, the Conspiracy program is cruel and demeaning, the cage is cramped and ugly and smells bad, but you can't get out and if you did get out you'd just want right back in again because the thing that is making the situation intolerable isn't in the situation, it's in your head.

The scariest part of the Con's lulling lies is that they are all true. Not the ones about the products and how bad you need them, I mean the ones about how Life can be beautiful, it's easier to go with the flow, things are better than they've ever been. They know how True they are, so they do anything they can to make those True truths look stupid and childish. They make "don't worry, be happy" into an insulting song, ugly t-shirts, plastic hats, moronic coffee mugs so when someone says it to you it makes you want to smash them in the face, but you can't, so you go buy a three dollar shot of Bar Gin instead. And worry miserably.

They make you want to KILL "Have a Nice Day," and then sell you the T-Shirt with a shot and bleeding smiley-face on it. They make you HATE LOVE and LOVE HATE, mock sincerity and honesty, and sneer at genuine emotion. Then they sell you two-hundred-dollar leather jacket so you can prove you "aren't a Conspiracy Zombie" like all those poor schmucks who don't have skulls on their t-shirts. Or if you can't identify with either extreme of the haircut spectrum, if they can't get you any other way, if you're a little too smart to be dumb and a little too dumb to be smart, and you're just about to fall through the cracks, along comes "Bob." Then you read about all those REAL weirdos, who even if they do wear uniforms and spout mottos wear intentionally self-mocking uniforms and spout irrelevant, confusing and meaningless mottos, Ma'am! At last, you think to yourself, or tell your uncomprehending friend, at last there is a tiny spot in this big cold world where I can feel at home. At last I've found a philosophy that agrees to a certain degree with the one I never realty knew I had, at last I can just be honest with myself and be who I really am, publicly and unafraid.

So you send tons of 'money to "Bob," buy T-Shirts and buttons and tapes, put on a devival, have a radio show, get a boy-or-girlfriend at last, have the time of your life, and never feel it when the hammer finally does come down on your head.

Way to go.

- NENSLO. Hateword.

 

It's something of a cliche to talk about fighting the Con and its greedy grasping ways. It's something of a cliche to complain that everyone talks about fighting the Con but no one does anything about it. It's even a cliche to complain about the complaint that everyone talks but no one does.

And yet, when push comes to shove, it's all talk. It's all posture and swagger. Because at the end of the day, it seems that almost everyone will back the status quo, where selfishness wins out over what I will pompously call "enlightened self-interest". To win overall support, all the Con has to do is put on an appealing, vaguely "anti-Con" face and

perhaps mouth a bit about higher ideals. This is no different from the game they've played all along; only the names have been changed to defraud the innocent.

- Lou Duchez

 

 

18) Is there NO HOPE?

So WHAT is left? Perhaps actually fighting the CON. For REAL. Take the battle to the only front where your efforts count; take the battle into YOUR OWN LIFE. CAST OFF the false Hopelessness of the CON whispering that NO ONE DOES ANYTHING, and face the REAL hopelessness of REFUSING to acknowledge that life CAN be beautiful, that we CAN create our own Slack. Face THAT, see in the depths of your OWN inequity the GRIP of the CON tentacles as they insinuate themselves into your thoughts and desires.

Having SEEN the Truth, one can then CHOOSE. Let your Faith sustain you. Let your HATE sustain you. Let the Weirdness of your Yeti Kin sustain you. Then Choose SLACK. For SLACK will set you FREE! SLACK will KILL the CON within! SLACK will fight the CON and WIN! For Slack will do ALL the fighting, leaving YOU to peacefully create your life as YOU will have it. Choose Slack, and you will see a world of endless potential awaiting your whim. Choose Slack, and the blindness will fall, and you will see that there ARE others Living Up to their integrity as well. Living Life as fully as THEY conceive it possible. You will SEE the veil of Smoke which is the CON, and you will see it disipate at the smile and kind words of those who Create Their Lives in Slack. You will see the CON become less substantial each time you choose not what is expected or accepted but instead what is Slackful. Each time you choose to disregard the Norm for

the sake of the Celebration which is your Life.

Do NOT try to fight the CON in others, for it is not YOUR battle. Instead, be satisfied in encouraging others to fight their OWN battles through the perfect example of YOUR life - a life devoted to Slack, a life enriched by Slack, a life that others TAKE NOTICE of for the purity of it's fullness, for the sincerity of it's Celebration.

Do not be mislead when others tell you that the CON cannot be beaten; this is but one more way "they" distract you from actively creating your own Ultimate Art. The CON is eternal but SO IS SLACK! The CON is universal but Slack is EVERYWHERE if you but look for it, identify it, choose it. Do not be mislead when others tell you that no one else is confronting the CON in their lives; this is but a misdirection that plays on the fear of the weakness of the single individual. Being ALONE is your STRENGTH; it is the Individual life that creates Meaning and denies the Hive Mentality of the CON.

You ALONE have been granted the ability to fight the CON in YOUR life. You alone can choose to elicit the vortex which clears the smoke. You have been granted through improbable circumstance the GIFT of SLACK AWARENESS. Use this mighty weapon to identify those areas where the CON has blinded you, has numbed you, has tempted you to accept LESS than all that you would have your life be. Then REPENT, and SLACK OFF,

and ASK yourself if THIS is not the choice that makes the greater difference in the battle; if THIS is not the choice that creates such INTENSE Satisfaction that others can not HELP but be inspired.

 

The CON would have you think that it's all talk; that it's all posture and swagger. Because at the end of the day, almost everyone WILL back the status quo. Even the Church itself will be revealed as one more slimy tentacle of the CONspiracy. But the ways of "Bob" are convoluted indeed, and the heretical Church may just be the sacred example YOU need

to realize that the allure of what "they" think and want and do is just more smoke from the slow smoldering of Lives Wasted. This need not be YOUR choice.

And when the smoke clears a bit, you MAY find that there are OTHERS for whom life is active Celebration, for whom hopelessness is seen as an insubstantial veil to be resolutely swept aside.

-Rev. Random the Other

 

 

19) What really IS the CON?

What is the CON? That which steals our Slack. WHO are the CON? The people that steal it.

The CON as a conspiracy doesn't know that it exists, simply because it does not exist as an organized effort. It doesn't even exist as a 'them' for 'us' to be against. This is simply because us IS them.

More precisely, those who would steal our Slack -- on purpose or not -- are always around us.. And I submit that whether or not they set out to steal your Slack, it is your own fault if it gets stolen. In fact, I say it doesn't even really get stolen, but that YOU HAND IT OVER.

I've been completely silent on several things lately because I've been rnulling this over. A lot of you lost a lot of Slack to Legume and his prank. A lot of you are losing a lot of Slack to Nickie. If they steal your Slack, WHOSE FAULT IS THAT? This all happened for me when Nenslo came on and started being Nenslo. I lost a LOT of Slack to him. Then I caught on and realized he didn't take anything from me that I didn't give away. That lesson was valuable enough that I contributed to keeping him online. I have no doubt I'm someone else's CON, that I take away someone's Slack. If this weren't so, I'd be pretty damn certain that this wasn't the Church of the SubGenius at all, but just another fan-of-each-other club. We are not the kind of beings that fit in; that's why we are what we are. Expecting us to fit in even amongst ourselves is a reasonable but fatal mistake.

This doesn't even require consideration of whether "they" are right, wrong or indifferent. Because it's not about them. They will always exist. And in fact each and every one of you are the CON because whether or not you intend to, you steal someone else's Slack because they hand it over to you. Every one of us is someone else's CON.

The CON's existence is not its own fault, it's all of ours.

Insisting on there being a right and wrong about it will only cause you to toss more Slack to the wind. That's your right. If you think life needs to be fair, that someone has to be pegged for it, fine. Personally I can't see wasting my Slack by burning it up in a useless attempt to devise some kind of Slack-defense against someone who is only stealing what I'm throwing at them. Nobody but you is sticking that 'kick me' sign on your back, and you're the one that keeps wearing it as a hair-shirt accessory.

I keep remembering Ken Kesey's speech at Berkley where he said "you can't stop a war by marching and fighting. You have to say 'fuck it' and walk away." Well, kids, you can't beat the Slack sucking CON by fighting with it because that's exactly how it gets your Slack from you.

If you want to KEEP your Slack, then I suggest you hitch up your self-concept and refuse to hand it out like Halloween candy. If you can't keep yourself from doing those things which cause you to lose Slack to others, then you're wasting time blaming others for your inability. You'd be much better off developing the ability instead of practicing your inability right into the ground.

Am I right? Try it. Simply refuse to participate in that which costs you Slack. Just walk away. Can you grasp the difference between let~ing someone else win and letting them be wrong? Do you need to be right or do you need to prove the point? If the latter, then you're not well enough convinced yourself. If you're going to refuse to take

responsibility for your own weakness, you can just get used to others exploiting that.

Just ignore it, kilifile it if need be, and walk away. That's faith, and if your Slack is real, your faith will protect it and it will increase. You can keep your Slack and put it to good use where it will work for you, or you can throw it away. If you insist on spilling your cup that runneth over with Slack, don't come crying to "Bob" to fill it up again. That which feeds on your Slack cannot exist without your help. You can't kill it, but you can make it feed elsewhere.

- Doktor DynaSoar Iridium

 

20) Where can I find more information about the Church?

Well, as had been mentioned before, you can send money to The SubGenius Foundation P.O.Box 140306, Dallas TX 75214. Go Ahead - send 'em a couple a dollars.

The HOLY BOOKS are available in ANY Bookstore near you. If they don't have them in stock (they SELL OUT really fast) you can have the bookstore ORDER them. Just give them the following information:

$14.95 THE BOOK OF THE SUBGENIUS - ISBN # 0-671-63810-6 Published by McGraw-Hill. 2OO pages, large, slick softbound Horror Bible. You'll never have to read another book as Long as you Live -- because you'll just sit, reading this one OVER and OVER again. Holds all answers to everything; PROFUSELY illustrated. Encompasses Life of "Bob," his prophecy, and all the instructions you'll ever need for survival, Slack and prosperity in The End Times. This is not some silly handbook for Weirdos or mutant-people guidebook, but a WEAPON! The words and images trigger certain primordial responses. It is an intensifier of perception, it stretches your imagination to the limit -- and POPS IT. You will then learn that no matter how sure of things thought you were, you were DEAD WRONG and GROVELLING is an ILLUSION manufactured by the "Authorities" who secretly LORD IT over your VERY MIND. After that you can continue to live in blithering normalcy, never guessing what you're being fattened for. BEYOND 'HIP' OR 'FUNNY:' the "Sistine Chapel" of the 20th Century. The book to go buy.

 

$14.95 - REVELATION X: THE "BOB" APOCRYPHON! ISBN # 0-671-77006-3

The Last New Testament, our fourth book for mainstream Conspiracy publishers Simon & Schuster, has been FINISHED! "IT IS WRITTEN." This HUGE tome of PURE DOCTRINAL RANTING and HIGH-POWERED GRAPHICS is the continuation of THE BOOK OF THE SUBGENIUS .. the greatest story EVER totd, so utterly and relentlessly TRUE and SLACK-IMBUED that old-time SubGenii, and newcomers alike, will Laugh 'til their guts bleed and befoul their pants in sheer astonishment -- and

JUST WAIT'LL YOUR PANTS GET A LOAD OF THE *LOOK* OF THIS THING!! St. Paul Mavrides has done a design job that will have you RIPPING YOUR OWN EYES OUT IN ECSTASY when you grok the THOUSANDS OF INCREDIBLY DETAILED ILLUSTRATIONS!! This heart-stopping new "LOUVRE" of SubGenius art, which makes THE BOOK OF THE SUBGENIUS look Like a JEHOVAH'S WITNESS PAMPHLET or CHRISTIAN COMIC BOOK by coirparison, IS HERE NOW. LOOK FOR IT. Reserve copies at your local bookstore now! (Doing so will prompt the stores to stock more of 'em than they otherwise would!) Tell 'em you want REVELATION X by The SubGenius Foundation, Simon & Schuster (Fireside Books), ISBN # 0-671-77006-3!

 

You can hear the SubGenius Radio show HOUR OF SLACK on the following stations:

WFMU East Orange, NJ (& NYC), 91.1 FM, 1:00 am Tuesday morning

WZRD Chicago, IL 88.3 FM, 9 pm Mondays, noon Saturdays

WCSB Cleveland, OH 89.3 FM, 9 pm Sundays

WREK Atlanta, GA 91.1 FM, Midnight Saturdays

WORT Madison, WI, 89.9 FM, 10 pm Tuesday

WMSE Milwaukee WI, 91.7 fm, 5 am Thurs

WKDU Philadelphia, 91.7 FM, somewhere amidst 6-9 am

Wednesdays

WMPG Portland, Maine, 90.9 FM, 10:30 pm Mondays

CIUT Toronto, Canada, 89.5 FM, 1:00 am Tues. morning

CFMU Hamilton, ONT, Canada, 93.3 fm, Wed. Midnight

WESU Middletown CT, 88.1 FM, 11 pm Sundays? (call 4 info)

WHSU Storrs, CT, 91.7 fm, Sun. 11 pm

KABF Little Rock, AR, Thurs 12 am to 3 am

WDBX Carbondale, IL Tues nights

WEFT Champaign, IL (Call for times)

WMUH Bethlehem, PA (Call for times)

KMNR 89.7, Rolla, MO Sat. 1 am (Starting Jan 25th)

Call the stations in case airtimes have changed.

 

 

If you want to experience ENDLESS HOURS of the PUREST SLACK you need to get over to Rev. Ivan Stang's SubSite on the World Wide Web! Just go on over to:

http://www.subgenius.com

You wanted more information? You'll wish to God you never asked. You'll get your information alright. You also get unescapable mindcontrol programming. Go on, don't be a wuss - just go right IN THERE. BWAA HAA HA HAAA HEE HEE HAAA HA...

And DON'T forget to check out the SubGenius CATALOG while you're in there!

You can also check out Usenet at alt.slack for the latest. There's IRC's and other stuff, but you'll have to go into SubSite to find out more.

You want MORE than just information? Would you like to twist the Church for your OWN ends? Become an ordained SubGenius Minister and attain ALL the secrets! The cost is only $30! Learn not only the Word of Dobbs but also ways to contact, buy from, and sell to the incredible (yet REAL!!) network of SubGenii everywhere. Learn of local revivals, other secret societies, UNUSUAL PRODUCTS, Other Mutants. THIS IS NO FAKE. You get Pamphlets, a Catalog, posters, documents, stickers, an Excuse Scroll, and a wallet-sized, legal-looking MINISTER'S CARD granting you every imaginable right and excusing ALL SINS. THIS IS THE ONLY WAY TO GET ON THE MAILING LIST OF THE CHOSEN, PIERCE THE SHROUD OSECRECY INSULATING THE CULT, AND OBTAIN SUCH PRIVILEGES AS BEFIT MEMBERSHIP IN A SECRET SOCIETY OF THIS SCOPE. Just SEND that $30 to The SubGenius Foundation, P.O.Box 140306 Dallas TX 75214. Or order by Credit Card TOLL FREE at 1-(888) 669-2323.

 

And THAT's just the SubGenius Foundation. Merely the TIP of a ROGUE ICEBERG of real-world activism by thousands and thousands of uncontrollable Zombies for "Bob."