Mother Theresa Sent to Hell in Wacky Afterlife Mixup
CALCUTTA--In what is widely believed to be the result of clerical
error on the part of Heaven's massive soul-evaluation and
punishment-allocation bureaucracy, The Calcutta Daily-Telegram
reported Monday that beloved missionary caregiver Mother Teresa
was condemned to agonizing, eternal torment in Hell following her
death last Friday at the age of 87.
Widely expected to ascend into Paradise and take her rightful place
among the saints to the glorious fanfare of horns and choruses upon
her passing, she was instead hurled from the firmament into the bowels
of the Lake of Fire.
"We can only assume that some sort of mix-up occurred in the processing
phase," said St. Peter, the heavenly official in charge of the Book of
Life, in which the names of those chosen to ascend to the Gates of Heaven
are written. "Unfortunately, when you deal with over 70 million souls a
day, these kinds of mistakes happen. What can I say? I don't know what
else to tell you."
Mother Teresa, who for decades inspired the world with her selfless
devotion to the starving, disease-ridden masses of Calcutta, was
unavailable for comment, as she was being lowered upside-down into a vat of
boiling human excrement by a trio of pitchfork-wielding demons. Similar
punishment reportedly awaits her for the rest of eternity.
Ever since Monday, heavenly angels, cherubim, seraphim, and other secondary
celestial entities have been working around the clock to keep up with the
enormous volume of intercessionary prayers arriving daily on Mother
Teresa's behalf. Despite the tremendous number of pleas, however, Heaven
essentially has its hands tied.
"It's sad that this happened," the archangel Gabriel, a spokesperson for
Heaven, told reporters. "But we really can't do anything about it. The
whole point of eternal damnation is that it is inescapable, absolute, and
irrevocable. If the Lord were to turn around and pull her out of Hell now,
he'd be turning his back on millennia of Catholic doctrine, on everything
Mother Teresa stood for."
Her arthritic limbs snapping like twigs as her frail, 4'11" frame was rent
asunder by the claws of grotesque, multi-limbed demons, Mother Teresa
reportedly screamed in indescribable agony as the superheated gases of
Hell's unholy furnace blackened and charred her hair and face. According
to a New York Times report, her skull has already been used as a drinking
goblet by Satan, the Great Deceiver himself, and the esteemed nun's rape at
the hands of insatiable, barbed-penis-wielding hellhounds in the
near-future is considered "highly likely."
"I can't believe this happened," said stunned Catholic Cristina Fontanez,
38, of Petaluma, CA. "She must have been so shocked when, after a lifetime
of good works, she found herself face-to-face with Satan. Instead of being
thrust into the living and redemptive light of Jesus' love for all time
upon her death, she instead found herself being slit from crotch to sternum
and suffering the pain of red-hot instruments of torture repeatedly being
plunged deep into her writhing entrails."
Speculation varies as to what could have caused such a miscarriage of
heavenly justice. While some contend that Mother Teresa's policy of not
administering medication to the sick and dying in her clinics may have
caused some in Heaven to doubt her true compassion, others believe that her
constant speeches against birth control--a contributing factor to mass
overpopulation, poverty and starvation throughout the Third World--may be
Still others posit that Teresa may have sinned in her heart at some point
during her long life, qualifying her for eternal damnation despite a
history of good works.
"According to Catholic doctrine, even one moment of lust would be enough to
justify Mother Teresa's banishment to the flame," said Archbishop Janiusz
Wolsczya of Krakow. "It is possible that after years of celibacy and
self-denial, her natural desires for sexual release may have built to a
breaking point. I imagine that sleeping alone on that hard cot all those
years and donating every ounce of her strength to the care of the poor, she
must have been very lonely. The compulsion to masturbate must have been
Most observers, however, reject these explanations, firm in the belief that
the eternal punishment is undeserved, the result of simple bureaucratic
error on the part of heavenly officials.
"I promise a full investigation into this matter," the Apostle John, seated
at the right hand of Christ Almighty, told reporters. "If any evidence of
incompetence or error on the part of the officials who conducted Mother
Teresa's afterlife evaluation is found, I assure you there will be serious
Despite such strongly worded statements from Heaven, a majority of
followers on Earth are calling the promise of a full investigation a case
of "too little, too late."
"I feel like this has forever weakened the foundation of my faith," said
73-year-old Giancarlo Rossetti of Milan, one of over 300,000 protesters who
crowded Vatican Square Tuesday to call for an immediate reversal of the
Mother Teresa Hell condemnation. "She was a good woman, and she does not
deserve to have her eyes torn out of their sockets by flaming packs of
Satan, speaking from deep within his fortress in the Hell city of Dis,
described the late Mother Teresa's soul as "succulent and tasty."
(reprinted from The ONION)