The following is a short little test that will effectively measure how much slack you have. If you findyourself in excess, please send some to Ohio University; the poor fools who run this place wouldn'tknow an original thought if it bit them in the crotch. Please note: ohiou domain gets only about 5% of allalt. newsgroups, as we get our newsfeed from att (instead of over the Internet like we should since we_do_ have nntp afterall, but No, John's just too damn lazy to set up the system to .... but I'm rambling).

So if ya got a comment, mail me. If ya got a flame, don't bother, I'm fireproof. My address is:bwhite@oucsace.cs.ohiou.edu Disclaimer: I disclaim everything. In fact, I don't exist. So there. Nyah.

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THE PIPE-SUCKING, GUT-BLOWING ALL NEW NEW AND IMPROVED SLACK QUIZ #1

Thisis a fairly medium-sized test based on the Purity Test. Unlike the Purity Test, which gauges purity(something we could care *less* about), this measures SLACK! DISCLAIMER: This test givesresults only roughly representative of the actual slack of a person. For the true results, you must learnto whiffread, and to learn that skill, you must SEND YOUR MONEY to the Church. Yes, folks, sendthat green right in. But first, send it to ME! Through E-MAIL! And I'll send it for you with my personalblessings. OR KILL ME!!!! Now that that's out of the way, ....... PART ONE: MULTIPLE CHOICE

1. The term 'SubGenius means: a) Below the genius level b)

A smart person in a U-boat. c) The level of classification immediately above subspecies d) Nothing.

2.Which of the following is _not_ a valid SubG motto: a) Fuck `em if they can't take a joke! b) Joke `em if they can't take a fuck! c) Suck `em if they can't fake a toke! d) You're gonna burn in HELLFIRE for this blasphemy!

3. The proper SubG disclaimer is: a) Or kill me b) Or nuke me c) Or make me write bad checks d) Or take all my money

4. A SubGenius follows the word of: a) God b) Cod (as in "Hi, have a fish") c) Bob d) FUCK YOU pink boy, SubGenii follow *nobody*!

5. The proper way to explain the Church to an uniformed (non-pink) person is: a) Give him/her a copy of the Book of the SubGenius b SELL him/her a copy of the Book of the SubGenius c) Tell him/her, "It's a slack thing, you wouldn't understand" d) Rabid sexual encounters

6. "Slack" is a) An excess of material b) Undefinable, by definition c) Definable, by undefinition d) This question is pink.

7. "Nental Ife" is roughly similar to: a) The Soul b) The Heel c) The Odor-Eater[tm] d) Thrash bands from Philadelphia

8. The "Third Nostril" is used for a) Producing excess phlegm b) Breathing underwater c) Whiffreading d) Weird sexual practices

9. The "X-ists" are: a) In league with "Bob" b) In league with NHGH c) In the Major

League, playing for the Cleveland Indians d) A comic book about mutants.

10. The "Room of Excrameditation" is where you a) Read the Book of the SubGenius b) Export the *only* product most of us are really good at making c) Sleep d) Slack off

11. The Pipe is a) What you smoke `Frop' in b) A phallic symbol c) What water goes through d) A UNIX feature

12. We are all born with: a) Original sin b) Original slack c) Original fingerprints d) Original recipie

13. A SubGenius must have a) Slack b) Sex c) Money d) Balls (or ovaries) of steel

14. Slack will *not* bring you a) Luck b) Money c) Fame d) A personalized photo of Dan Quayle in drag

15. Chapter 19 is a) After Chapter 18 b) Before Chapter 20 c) The location of the TRUTH about EVERYTHING d) A new bankruptcy provision

16. NHGH is a) A terrible and largely unknown god b) A product division of Digital c) The sound one makes when strangled d) Yo' mamma!

17. The proper way to explain the Church to a *pink* is: a) Ignore him/her b) Kill him/her c) Take his/her money d) Sodomize him/her

18. The X-ists will come by way of a) Flying saucers b) Flying cups c) Greyhound d) Nebraska

19. Money is the root a) of all evil b) of all enjoyment c) canal d) at an obscure internet site in Oklahoma

20. Doktormusic is a) The theme song for a popular BBS science fiction show b) What physicians play in their waiting rooms (ugh!!) c) A means of conveying the word of "Bob" d) Communist propaganda

21. True Utopia is where a) Everyone is perfect b) Everyone is dead c) We can all make mistakes d) Dan Quayle goes on vacation

22. Pinks have no a) Nental Ife b) Social Life c) Slackful Wife d) Butcher Knife

23. The pink of Pinks is the color of a) A newborn baby's skin b) The negative essence of money (well, magenta at least) c) Conjunctivitis d) Toxic waste

24. The luck plane is a) Influenced by slack b) A woodworking tool c) Parallel to the equator d) Taking off from gate 19 in ten minutes.

25. The Skor is a) A candy bar b) Thirty-two to nothing in the sixth inning, and it looks like the Reds are really getting the better of the Mariners here today. c) Changable by instant replay rules d) The events that will occur

26. SubGenii descended from a) Apes b) Yeti c) Abdominal Snowmen d) Mountains

27. The Headquarters of the Church is in a) Dallas b) New York c) Mars d) Cleveland (makes you wonder where the Hindquarters of the Church is)

28. In 1998, a) The X-ists will come b) Jesus will come c) Rocky LXVII will be out in theaters d) A Democrat will be elected President.

29. `Frop' is a) an herb b) a spice c) a swear word d) A motorcycle gang 30. Obo is a) An obscure Christian sect b) A television production company ("Sit, Obo, sit! Good dog! ") c) A musical instrument d) The Anti-Bob

31. JHVH-1 is a) The serial number on an IBM 3270 control stream manual b) The first Jail House Varsity Hockey team c) Also known as "God" d) A music channel similar to MTV but for yuppies.

32. If Jesus Christ came back today he'd be a) Driving a `57 Chevy b) In an X-ist spaceship c) Very, very old d) Very, very pissed

TRUE-FALSE SECTION

33. Connie is Bob's wife (well one of them at least)

34. The Con is a guy who hustles cars

35. Pstench is noticed by people who can't pspell.

36. "Bob" was once a salesman.

37. "Bob" was once a salesman for IBM.

38. "Bob" has slack.

39. Rev. Stang has slack.

40. Ted Kaldis has slack.

41. The Church is a joke.

42. The joke is on the Pinks.

43. Yetisyny is a new food additive.

44. God does not play dice with the Universe.

45. God plays loaded dice with the Universe.

46. Fnord refers to a land feature in scandanavian countries.

47. "Bob" is a fan club.

48. "Bob" is not a fan club.

49. There is no question 49.

50. This test is over.

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Scoring: Multiple choice: 1: a) 0 b) 0 c) 0 d) 2 2: a) 0 b) 1 c) 1 d) 3 3: a) 4 b) 2 c) 0 d) -2 4: a) -1 b) -2c) -3 d) 2 5: a) 0 b) 1 c) 2 d) 5 6: a) -2 b) -3 c) -2 d) 9 7: a) 3 b) 0 c) 1 d) 0.5 8: a) -2 b) -2 c) -1 d)-3 9: a) 3 b) -1 c) 2 d) 0 10:a) 1 b) 1 c) 1 d) 1 11:a) 2 b) -73 c) 1 d) 1 12:a) -2 b) 4 c) 1 d) 1 13:a) 3 b)1 c) 0.5 d) 0.3 14:a) 1 b) 1 c) 1 d) 5 15:a) 2 b) 2 c) 3 d) 0 16:a) 4 b) 2 c) 3 d) 0 17:a) 5 b) 5 c) 5 d) 518:a) 3 b) 2 c) 0 d) -5 19:a) -2 b) -1 c) -2 d) -3 20:a) 0 b) 0 c) 1 d) 0 21:a) -1 b) 0 c) 3 d) 2 22:a) 4b) 3 c) 2 d) 1 23:a) -1 b) 2 c) 1 d) 3 24:a) 1 b) 0 c) 0 d) 0.5 25:a) 0 b) 7 c) 2 d) 3 26:a) 0 b) 2 c) 0 d) 1 27:a) 4 b) 0 c) 0 d) -2 28:a) 4 b) 0 c) 0 d) -7 29:a) 1 b) 0 c) 0 d) 0 30:a) 1 b) 2 c) 3 d) 4 31:a) 0 b) 0 c) 2 d) 1 32:a) 1 b) 1 c) 2 d) 3 TRUE/FALSE: 33: T) 3 F) 0 34: T) 0 F) 1 35: T) 0 F) 4 36: T) 3 F) 0 37: T) -2 F) 0 38: T) 5 F) 0 39: T) 3 F) 0 40: T) -19.3 F) 1 41: T) -7 F) 2 42: T) 7 F) -2 43: T) -2 F) 3 44: T) 0 F) 0 45: T) 3 F) 0 46: T) -1 F) 2 47: T) -3 F) 2 48: T) -3 F) 3 49: T) 3 F) -5 50: T) -10 F) 7

Now, total up your score. If the result is:

-150 to -101: You are undoubtedly so f**king pink that you haven't had an original thought since you were born. -100 to -51: Go get a lobotomy. You'll do us all a favor.

-50 to 1: When the X-ists come, don't bother waiting for a ride. 0 to 49: You have a little bit of SubG in you, but not much.

50 to 99: Smoke some 'frop and give me all your money. You aren't a SubGenius, but at least you can do the rest of us a favor.

100 to 150: You are beginning to see the light, you just need your butt kicked a little more.

151 to 170: You are either a) incapable of addition, in which case you're just like every other stupid fool to come out of the public school system, or b) cheating, in which case you've got more slack in you than any of the other poor schmucks who actually added up the score.

I dunno, I printed it out and smoked it!: Congratulations, you have slack. Now give me your money anyway.

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If you actually bothered to add up the score, congratulations, in spite of anything said above, you are undeniably pink. And so is this posting. And that's because we all need our slack, and I can't afford to waste any on this damn system. So gimme slack, or gimme food, or kill me. Or not. | Bill White

Internet: bwhite@oucsace.cs.ohiou.edu | | COOPER'S LAW: | | All machines are amplifiers. | .