Interview With Nenslo
From: email@example.com (Kenneth James DeVries)
Date: 28 Nov 1994
Final Prophetic Interview Proves NENSLO Right All Along
Shortly before his death at the hands of disgruntled ex-coreligionists
assassinated Nenmaster NENSLO, far-famed Controlmaster X of Master Control on
Earth, was interviewed by a flaky busybody who accidentally asked questions
the answers to which are the most obvious proof anyone could ask for that
NENSLO was right about everything. Many of the prophecies made by the
Controlmaster in this last interview are even now coming to pass as these very
words are being written. If that's not worth a dollar we don't know what is.
Here follow excerpts from that fateful interview.
Q: Something that's getting a lot of attention from such alternative
authorities as, um, Rev. Ivan Stang and Robert Anton Wilson, is Virtual
Reality. Do you feel, as they do, that this is the "next big thing?"
N: Oh yeah, that's where you strap a couple of little Teevees on your head
and put on a computerized glove so you can pick up green teapots that aren't
there. Listen, bud, the day I need to be hooked up to a damn MACHINE to
live in a phony dreamworld is the day to put me in a glass box in
whatchacallit... Times Square in Leningrad next to Vlad the Impaler. Look,
just because a guy writes a couple books that get popular with people too far
out of it to even be Sci-Fi fans doesn't mean he ought to be doing your
thinking for ya. Don't get me wrong, Stang and Williams are great guys, I
stole a lot of ideas from one of them, but they're probably more fouled up
than even your average nut or they wouldn't be doing what they do, right? And
I just pity anybody who's gotta buy a fantasy from somebody else or get it from
a computer. How pitiful can you get, you can't even dream your own dreams for
Q: I guess... umm... some of your followers have claimed that you are simply
never wrong about anything. Could you demonstrate that, or refute that or
something? Do you have a comment on that anyway?
N: Yeah, I do. Those people are idiots. Anybody who thinks so little of
themselves, anybody who thinks so little, that they have find their identity
as a follower of somebody who DOES think, well they are what we call the
"useful idiots." As long as they keep paying the rent we'll keep handing them
platitudes like you'd hold out an empty fist to a dog just to laugh at how it's
so dumb it thinks you got a treat for it in there, even though you just showed
it you didn't have anything about eight times.
Q: So you're not really a prophet?
N: Oh sure! Sure I'm a prophet, you want some prophecies? What do you want,
winners at the dog track, stocks to buy, sorry my ethics don't permit me to
let others profit by my great powers. Non-profit prophecies only.
Q: Well, we are going through troublesome times these days, with the war
N: Oh, world events, yeah, I can do that! Sure, things used to be perfect,
right, and now all of a sudden they're getting real bad so it's like the end
of the world. Okay, listen; Lots of things are going to happen... some people
will, uh, kill other people who aren't like them. Lots of people will die.
There'll be some storms and volcanoes and landslides and things. It'll look
like things are clearing up for a while but then they'll get even worse than
they were. There'll be new machines that do things we don't even have names
for now. Some people will be really rich while people are starving all around
them. Lots of interesting diseases... weird rumors about aliens and things...
new religions... number three to win in the second at Wonderland..
Oh! No, sorry, that was just a slip... JOKE I mean, just a joke... heh,
Q: Recently there have been some, uh, references to you as being racist,
sexist, antisemitic, etc. What do you have to say to that?
N: Well, sure! I mean naturally some people are going to say that because
not only do I refuse to join their club, I refuse to condone their club.
First of all I am, by accident of birth, male and of northern European ancestry
and non-homosexual by choice. Second, I am not ashamed of any of those
aspects of my nature like I'm supposed to be, and third, I do not support any
group or sect which factionalizes humanity into warring subcults of skin color,
genital type or personal tastes! So I am automatically racist, sexist,
homophobic or whatever the latest word is we use to prove somebody isn't "one
of us." I am rabidly, maniacally Pro-NENSLO, and teach that life, food and
sex are sacred and not to be thrown away frivolously. But if anyone goes out
and does something just because I say it, if it isn't truly an act of
conscience, they're just being stupid, because I am obviously completely
insane. My philosophy isn't "us against them," it's "ME against THE
Q: You say you are non-homosexual by choice?
N: Yes, I know the current dogma is that we are either born gay or born
straight and everybody's exactly the same in that respect no matter what.
Since a Nenmaster must by nature do everything wrong, I did that wrong too.
See, having a totally stunted social interaction in my formative years
permitted me to look to more experienced sources rather than get all my facts
from kids as dumb as I was. I was able to do a lot of research on sex and
drugs and things, and there came a time when I could clearly see that doing
cocaine or having sex with another guy would set a precedent. There's no such
thing as "just one time," there's only "the first time." I decided that
certain actions could lead to certain ways of life which might confuse
me EVEN WORSE than I already was, so I just didn't do them.
Q: Okay, what about this "send one dollar" thing then?
N: That's always a hard one for people. I stole that from another cult,
because it just made sense. Getting money in the mail is great. But you
probably want the official justification under Master Control, right? Okay,
people don't really value something they don't pay for. You give them
something free they'll just throw it away. You make them climb a mountain and
give them a plastic trinket at the top, they'll save it to show their
grandchildren. See, the current Anti-Life Mechanistic culture in
force at this point in history tells us we do want something for nothing, and
if we have never really thought about what it is that we want, that sounds
really great. Just like whole "USA Beer Culture" of guys with cute buns, gals
with big boobs, dune buggies and CD players sounds great when you're drunk in
front of the TV trying to forget how much you hate your job. You are told you
want it, and you don't know that you don't so you start thinking you do! But
those are false wants overlaying your real wants, which are simply
self-respect and the respect and appreciation of others, courtesy, kindness
and fairplay! It's constant frustration in achieving those real wants that
makes people into monsters.
Q: But the dollar...
N: I'm gettin' there, just relax! So okay, the dollar. Um... okay. So the
first thing someone says when you offer them something is "how much do I have
to pay," and if you tell them it's free they want to know what's wrong
with it. People would rather pay, and get a bargain, or even get ripped
off, than get stuck with something crappy for nothing. And... it's like a
test, see? I just got a letter from some goof that gave cheapskate rap number
forty-three; (in a whiney voice) How do I know if I send you a dollar that
what I get will be worth a dollar and why don't you send it to me first and if
I like it I'll send you a dollar then. See? They don't want a miracle, they
are too scared they'll get cheated out of a worthless buck to take a chance!
They lose out entirely, and if they ever do send a dollar we'll just send
it right back because they won't understand what we're doing here anyway!
Q: What are you doing here? What is your objective for all of this?
N: Fair question. On a grand scale we simply want to save the world, so
obviously we're just letting ourselves in for a lot of disappointment and
we're doomed to failure since we didn't pick some cheap-ass two-bit goal like
collecting all the Garbage Pail Kids cards. But for the nineties, and we here
at Master Control Programming are really into the nineties, we think they are
awesome as hell, I say for the nineties we are trying to set up a major
multimillion dollar sex scandal. I mean one that will really make lurid
scare-heads on every paper in the civilized world.
Q: Uhh... okay, you had an essay published in "Brimstone," a Satanist
publication. Are you a Satanist?
N: I guess you caould call me a Satanist, about the same way you could call a
Zoroastrian a Zen Buddhist. There's a few thousand years and half a dozen
culture changes between the two. I have nothing but respect for sincere
members of any nut cult, whether it makes sense or not, as long as it is
oriented toward genuine development of potential in the individual to its
maximum limit. Master Control is the alien brain implant that made Gautama
into a Buddha, it's the transdimensional puppetmaster that put the words in
Krishna's mouth. These things happen all the time and we give them the names
we like best, according to our culture. If you like devils you call things
devil names; if you like Jesus, well, you probably kill people who don't give
things Jesus names.
Q: Then are you a Satanist or not?
N: What do you want me to be? I'm that, okay? You want to be interviewing a
devil-worshiping hippie drug-slay cult leader, okay, I can do that! You want
an irrational nutcase, a dangerous psychotic, a patent phony, put it on paper
and that's what I'll be to whoever reads this. Now we are getting to the
heart of Master Control! This is The Way I am sent to teach! A rose is a
delicately scented harbinger of summer days' delights or a livid wrinkled
noisome plant genital, depending on what you think it is! Life is heaven or
hell depending on what you want it to be! Nobody lives in a constant torment
of fear and oppression in this world, regardless of their circumstances,
without making the choice to maintain the world as they see it! You can be a
miserable millionaire or happy on death row if that's how you want it, but
whatever your life is it is what you make it, and it doesn't make a damn bit
of difference to anyone else! You people are all shadows to me, I don't know
for sure if you're real or if I'm still locked up somewhere, comatose and
reveling in a pure fantasy world! It sure seems fantastic since I'm getting
virtually everything I ever wanted handed to me on a silver platter, for free!
That's not how it's supposed to happen, to hear everybody else tell it, but I
hardly have time to dream any more before before they come true, because
that's the way I want it! See?
Postscript: We here at Master Control World Headquarters in Beautiful
Portland Oregon would like to thank Donna Kossy over at the Kooks Museum
for posting previous Nenslo files while we were getting the Atomic Brain
And, rather than wasting our valuable time with a cutesy-pie
response giving some sort of "witty" reason why you can't or won't send
ONE DOLLAR to Box 86582 Portland OR 97206, maybe you ought to just gnaw
your wrist veins open and give the whole world a break.