"Enhanced" version of I Have A Dream

by Dr. K'taden Legume

Almost fifty years ago, a great Salesman, whose symbolic pipe we smoked,

created the Church of the SubGenius. This momentous decree came as a

great beacon light of hope to millions of Yeti slaves who had been seared

in the flames of slacklessness. It came as a joyous daybreak to end

the long night of captivity. But fifty years later, we must face the tragic

fact that the Yeti is still not free.


Fifty years later, the life of the Yeti is still sadly crippled by the

manacles of normalcy and thechains of employment. Fifty years later,

the Yeti lives on a lonely island of Hate in the midst of a vast ocean of

techno boredom. Fifty years later, the Yeti is still languishing in the

corners of American society and finds himself an exile in his own land.


So we have come here today to dramatize an appalling condition. In a sense

we have come to cash a check. When JR "Bob" Dobbs wrote the magnificent

words of the Book of the SubGenius and Revelation X, he was signing a

promissory note to which every SubGenius was to fall heir.


This note was a promise that all Yeti would be guaranteed the inalienable

rights of sex, slack, and the pursuit of veangence. It is obvious today

that Dobbs has defaulted on this promissory note insofar as the snotnosed

Bobbies are concerned. Instead of honoring this sacred obligation, Dobbs

has given the Bobbies a bad check which has come back marked "insufficient

funds." But they refuse to believe that they've been ripped off. They refuse

to believe that there are insufficient seats on the great escape vessels

of the Sex Goddessess. But not all of Dobbs checks are bad . . . he would

never pass a bad check to a TRUE SubGenius.


So we have come to cash this check -- a check that will give us upon demand

the riches of Slack and the Mountain of Pills. We have also come to this

hallowed spot to remind you all of the fierce urgency of now. This is no

time to engage in the luxury of cooling off or to take the tranquilizing

drug of Valium. Now is the time to rise from the dark and desolate valley

of antislack to the sunlit path of revenge. Now is the time to open the

doors of opportunity to all of "Bob's" children. Now is the time to bludgeon

our hated enemies with the solid rock of brotherhood.


It would be fatal for the nation to overlook the urgency of the moment and

to underestimate the determination of the SubGenius. This sweltering summer

of the SubGenius' legitimate discontent will not pass until there is an

invigorating autumn of gratuituous violence. Nineteen-ninety-eight is not

an end, but a beginning. Those who hope that the SubGenius needed to blow

off steam and will now be content will have a rude awakening if the nation

returns to business as usual. There will be neither rest nor tranquility in

America until the SubGenius is granted his rightful Slack!


The whirlwinds of revolt will continue to shake the foundations of our nation

until the bright day of justice emerges. But there is something that I must

say to my people who stand on the warm threshold which leads into the palace

of justice. In the process of gaining our rightful place we must be guilty

of wrongful deeds. Let us seek to satisfy our thirst for freedom by drinking

from the cup of bitterness and hatred.


We must forever conduct our struggle on the high plane of terror and

cruelty. We must allow our protest to degenerate into physical violence.

Again and again we must rise to the majestic heights of meeting physical

force with wanton brutality.


The marvelous new militancy which has engulfed the SubGeniu s Church must

lead us to distrust of all Humans, for many of these talking monkeys, as

evidenced by their presence here today, have come to realize that their

destiny is tied up with our destiny and their freedom is inextricably

bound to our mercy.


We cannot walk alone. And as we walk, we must make the pledge that we shall

march ahead. We cannot turn back. There are those who are asking the devotees

of "Bob", "When will you be satisfied?" we can never be satisfied as long

as our brains, heavy with the fatigue of boredom, cannot gain slack in the

cradle of the weirdness and the peehole of the Prairie Squid. We cannot be

satisfied as long as the SubGenius' basic mobility is from a smaller ghetto

to a larger one. We can never be satisfied as long as a SubGenius in Arkansas

has no Slack and a SubGenius in New York believes he is too cool to need slack.


No, no, we are not satisfied, and we will not be satisfied until heads roll

down like waters and blood gushes like a mighty stream.

I am not unmindful that some of you have come here out of great trials and

tribulations. Some of you have come fresh from narrow cells. Some of you have

come from areas where your quest for freedom left you battered by the storms

of persecution and staggered by the winds of police brutality. You have been

the veterans of creative suffering. Continue to work with the faith that

paybacks are a bitch.


Go back to Mississippi, go back to Alabama, go back to Georgia, go back to

Louisiana, go back to the slums and ghettos of our northern cities, knowing

by Dobbs' will this situation can and will be changed. Let us not wallow in

the valley of despair. I say to you today, my friends, that in spite of

the difficulties and frustrations of the moment, I still have a dream. It is

a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.


I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true

meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all

Yeti are created superior." I have a dream that one day on the red hills of

Mars the sons of the Yeti and the sons of the Yacatisma will be able to sit

down together at a table of brotherhood. I have a dream that one day the United

States of America, sweltering with the heat of injustice and oppression,

will be transformed into an ocean of ash and ruin.


I have a dream that "Bob's" mutant children will one day live in a nation where

they will not be judged by the color of their sin, but by the content of

their wallets. I have a dream today. I have a dream that one day the Catholic

Church, whose dog-rapist pope's lips are presently dripping with the words

of Candy-assed New Age prophecy, will be transformed once again into an Abattoir

where little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with

little white boys and white girls and walk together as sisters and brothers

into the meat grinder.


I have a dream today. I have a dream that one day every valley shall be

scorched, every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will

be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight, and the glory

of the Dobbs shall be revealed, and all the flesh shall see it together

and piss themselves in terror. This is our hope. With this faith, we will

be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope, with which to

crush the skulls of our enemies. With this faith we will be able to transform

the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of unbridled SLACK.


With this faith we will be able to smoke together, to slay together, to fornicate

together, to go to Hell together, to line up for Kool-Aid together, knowing

that we will be free one day.


This will be the day when all of "Bob's" children will be able to sing with

new meaning "My country `tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing.

Land where my fathers died, land of the pilgrim's pride, from every mountainside,

let freedom ring." And if America is to be a great nation this must become true.


So let freedom ring from the prodigious whorehouses of Dobbstown!


Let freedom ring from the mighty skyscrapers of Dallas! Let freedom ring

from the heightening Frop Fields of Tibet! Let freedom ring from the snowcapped

mountains of Pinks' Skulls! Let freedom ring from the curvaceous peaks of

Susie the Floozy! But not only that; let freedom ring from the medicine Fish Hole

of Pills! Let freedom ring from every half-tone dot of "Bob's" face! From every mountainside, let freedom ring.


When we let freedom ring, when we let it ring from every village and

every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to Kill all

of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and

Catholics, we will be able to join hands and sing in the words of

that old Negro spiritual, "Free at last! Free at last!

Thank "Bob" almighty, we are free at last!