Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I

had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely

saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Tim Greene and could I please

speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me!


I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's

correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits.


After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on

my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more

answered, I yelled "You're a jerk!" and hung up. Next to his phone number

I wrote the word "Jerk," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of

weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up.

He'd answer, and then I'd yell, 'You're a jerk!" It would always cheer me



Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real

disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jerk. Then one day

I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made

up a name. "Hi. This is Herman with the telephone company and I'm just

calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went,

"No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said,


"That's because you're a jerk!"


And the reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how

if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about

it. Just dial 823-4863.


The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking

space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally her car began

to move and she started to very slowly back out of the stall. I backed up

a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought,

she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro come flying up

the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I

started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was

here first!" The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He

walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me.


I thought to myself, this guy's a jerk, there's sure a lot of jerks in this

world. I noticed he had a ``For Sale`` sign in the back window of his car.

I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.


A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten

off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're a jerk!" (It's

really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial). I

noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk

and thought I'd better call this guy, too. After a couple rings someone

answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the

black Camaro for sale?"


"Yes it is."


"Can you tell me where I can see it?"


"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's

parked right out front."


I said, "What's your name?"


"My name is Don Hansen."


"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"


"I'm home in the evenings."


"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"




"Don, you're a jerk!" And I slammed the phone down. After I hung up I

added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer.


For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a

problem I had two jerks to call. Then after several months of calling the

jerks and hanging up on them, the whole thing started to seem like an

obligation. It just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.


I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution.


First, I had my phone dial Jerk #1. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello."

I yelled "You're a jerk!", but I didn't hang up.


The jerk said, "Are you still there?"


I said, "Yeah.."


He said, "Stop calling me."


I said, "No."


He said, "What's your name, Pal?"


I said, "Don Hansen."


"Where do you live?"


"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro is parked

out front."


"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."


"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jerk!" and I hung up.


Then I called Jerk #2.


He answered, "Hello."


I said, "Hello, Jerk!"


He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."


"You'll what?"


"I'll kick your butt."


"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jerk!" And I hung



Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them a big gang

fight was going down at 1802 West 34th Street. After that I climbed into

my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. I turned

onto 34th Street and parked my car under the shade of a tree half a block

from Jerk #2's house. There were two guys fighting out front. Suddenly

there were about 12 police cars and a helicopter. The police wrestled the

two men to the ground and took them away.


A couple of months go by and I get a call for jury duty. I was picked to

be on a trial of two guys charged with disorderly conduct. As luck would

have it, it happened to be the same two guys. I might have influenced the

jury, because when they announced the verdict, they said, "We the jury find

the defendants to be guilty, and a couple of jerks!"

-- From alt.basement.graveyard, probably Tim Greene