Subject: Urgent SOS
Date: 6 Sep 1997 10:49:21 GMT
From: email@example.com (HYPERCRAVE)
Organization: AOL http://www.aol.com
I didn't notice them coming. It was nearly Five am and the Cathode
Beast had sucked me back into it's gaze. I may not have survived except for
the accident that happened. Someone must have slipped on pigshit from the
farm across the street and misfired. The first shotgun blast fractured the
glass so I turned to look and listen. I love the sound of shattering glass
so it definately recieved my attention. That's when I saw the crowd.
Hundreds of angry residents of Las Bagos, Hellinois were marching up the
driveway. Their silouetes appeared bending and contorting in the light of
their torches. The shadows flickered on my Screen and the firelight
glistened in the broken glass spreading a kolidiscopoc prism of
multicolored light around the white walls of my bedroom. I was only
entranced for a second as the flashback was ruined by a sudden course of
adrenaline. I realized, "They are coming for me!"
I knew I shouldn't have sent the press release to kxrx. I had to send it.
I thought I had escaped SubGeniusdom but I should have known, once a
SubGenius always a Slack junkie. I had I had Asked for help from the
Church. I begged "Bob" personally to lend me some Money. I reminded him of
all the thousands of dollars I had spent producing Revulvals in the past. I
threw a pile of old THREADBARES that I had printed ala piracy at a major
copy chain where I knew fellow SubGenius worked in front of him. But did he
help? No. He Said, "Don't worry, you have special seats on the X-ist ships.
you'll be on the same ship I'm on. By the way learn how to use quotes." I
pleaded with him to no avail. It was like chasing a leaflet in the wind. I
Tried to get my good buddie Stang to Help Me but he was too busy fropping
out after his long Trip to the Big City. I wonder if we could replace that
apple with a smoking Pipe? But I digress.
The shotgun blasts were becoming intentional now and I didn't have
the AK 47 that Onan Canonbite had promised me. He said it was coming but
AKs were difficult to fit on the scanner. I don't think I have enough RAM
for a whole ak anyway. Maybe I should have asked for an oozy.
I dodged another blast and was furious when it didn't hit my
computer screen because I was getting tired and couldn't stop staring. Even
as the pellets bounced around the room I couldn't take my Eyes off of it.
Maybe cuthulu would send me a sausage... but I knew it was too early. Maybe
Nenslo would finally insult me. I have been waiting so long for it. But I
knew he was lost in the Mystery Pit.
I could feel the heat from the townsfolks flaming torches now and
knew I had to do something quickly. I thought to myself, " Now what would
Janor do? I wasn't as thin as him so I couldn't turn sideways and
disappear. That wouldn't work. I didn't have any pennies in my piggybank so
i couldn't use the Sterno Defence. I decided on a Janor tactic so I stuck
my head out the window and Screamed, "FUCK YOU ASSHOLES !" "Why did I use A
Janor Device?", I thought to myself as the number of blasts doubled. I
tried to run but I was glued to the screen.
The wood pile was getting increasingly larger and the sweat
started poring from my brows. I thought of Norton and thought that maybe I
could buy them off but I realized they would just use the cash as kindling
which would have been ok had it been U.S. currency but it was only
negotiable between Subgenius/Discordians and their allies in the O.T.O.
That's when it hit me. Not an Idea, a bullet. At least I wouldn't give
these barbarian pinks the thrill of hearing my screams on the pyre. Their
stake would have to burn a deadman. I wanted so much to see X day. That's
what I get for calling myself the Prince (of pieces).