Subject: Re: Church Nukes Revealed!
Date: Mon, 08 Sep 1997 03:35:10 -0400
From: "Rev. Random the Other" <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Organization: TOXIC COW
His Most Feathered Eminence wrote:
> some people, Dynasoar amongst them, were arguing a while back on how
> many nukes the Church of the SubGenius has left. some say four, some
> say only three.
> well, you're wrong.
> the Truth is about to be revealed ON NATIONAL TeeHee!
> I saw a promo for Sixty Minutes about an interview with a russian
> general who says that there are 100 SMALL NUCLEAR WEAPONS (able to be
> concealed in a briefcase) MISSING FROM THEIR ARSENALS.
> and NO ONE KNOWS WHERE THEY ARE.
> OK, I guess we here can't say "no one knows..."
> what I'm worried about are the nine nukes we had to sell to get the
> MechaDobbs instrument of destruction working again. I mean, was it
> really wise to sell 'em to the Church Universal 'N' Triumphant? so
> what if they had all those spare lasers lying around in the bunkers?
> we should also be worried about SPY magazine. I quote from their
> response to a letter in their Spet/Oct issue:
> "Luckilly, the staff of SPY is comprised solely of animatronic
> robot warriors. While typically peaceful, we can and will shoot
> lasers from our fingers if provoked..."
> clearly, the MechaDobbs should be unleashed on NYC first.
I covered this in my last Quarterly Report (attached).
Plans continue to unfold smoothly, and I see no reason to
change what has been a highly successful and profitable
Operatives continue to report that the Church Universal
'N' Triumphant will use those devices in a manner
supportive of our own directives. I will, however,
step up surveilance of the group in response to your
concerns. I feel that the present course will best
meet all of the priorities for going forward as required
Thank you for your input regarding the SPY magazine
organization. Operatives have been deployed. You will
be suitably rewarded.
1997 Performance to Date and Priorities Going Forward
J.R. wants nothing but the best, and that means intensive
effort to coordinate working with the major weapon markets
and building our own market for the gear we were liquidating.
As Director of Operations I have been focused on Weapons
Systems for over three years, along with several hundred
procurement and dispersal $ales Drone$, commercial designers
and marketeers, and personally I am glad that we finished up
as early as we did. As I have been emphasizing in the staff
meetings, it is essential that 1) the equipment that we sold
ultimately be used in ways that benefit our Operating
Objectives; 2) We continue to procur a broad portfolo of
the leading products designed to address the needs of a
variety of X-day initiatives.
Fueled by the commitment and efforts of all employees, 1997
is turning out to be a year of record growth for the Church, as
we continue to win the business and confidence of our
customers around the globe. With four months remaining in the
current calendar year, I'd like to use this Quarterly Letter
to report on our 1997 market performance to date and to
highlight some key priorities going forward.
First, our market performance. During the first half of 1997,
we achieved record revenues of US$714 billion, an increase
of 27 percent over US$561 billion for the first half of
1996. Net earnings were US$104 per share, compared with
US$74 per share in the same period last year. Orders were
also up, from US$572 billion in 1996 to US$726 billion.
All lines of business and all geographic regions contributed
to these positive results. Specifically:
* Overseas Weapon Systems Sales grew a phenomenal 82 percent
over the same period last year, and continues to represent
our fastest growing line of business, today contributing
22 percent to overall revenues (up from only 10 percent
in 1994). This performance has been bolstered by the recent
award of approximately $500 million in contracts from the
Palestinian consortium and the successful beta testing of
the Team-Charge approach to personell-deployed devices
(PDD's), providing us with early leadership in this
* Revenues from Latin American Weapon Sales were also up,
34 percent over the same period a year ago. One of the
most significant wins during this period was a
US$150 million contract with Shining Path Communications
- a U.S.-based provider that is building the first
inter-continental missle strike force based in S.A.
* US Weapon has exceeded both orders and revenue targets,
attributable in part to the tremendous success of our
marketing team with the nationally televised Bank of America
demo in North Hollywood. Sales of both body armor and
explosive armor-piercing rounds are surging. It is essential
to maintain public enthusiasm, especially in the militia,
law enforcement, street dealer, and gang markets. Our marketing
focus was especially successful in creating a desire among
all factions for what is being perceived as "the latest new
gear" while effectively allowing us to offload those technologies
deemed outdated. This approach is consistent with directives
from J.R. Dobbs, who insisted (correctly) that the public
would not realize that the lowered prices and sudden
availability of the products signals dumping of the old line
in preparation for offering the newer styling.
* Nuclear Enterprise Systems continues to represent the largest
percentage - 28 percent - of our revenues. Of particular
significance this year was the May launch of the "U&T" campaign
- a strategy designed to help enterprises of all sizes exploit
their nuclear stockpiles as strategic business engines for
competitive differentiation, growth, cost- efficiencies, and
productivity. As well, during the second quarter, Nuclear
Enterprise Networks significantly strengthened our
distribution capability in North America through a highly
successful new relationship with Church Universal 'N' Triumphant.
These revenues are considered pivotal to the success of our
Procurement programs in Russia and the Ukraine.
* In terms of geographic revenues, again the results are very
positive. Bosnia, which a year ago was considered a declining
market, continues to outstrip our expectations as a result of
the opportunities created by deregulation. Indeed, U.S. revenues
for the first half of 1997 were up 33 percent over 1996.
Revenue growth in Cuba was also up significantly, 21 percent
over last year. Moreover, opportunities for further growth in
Cuba are escalating with the fast-approaching 1998 market
liberalization. Asia and Japan also experienced phenomenal
growth this year, especially in Sarin replenishment. With
region-wide sales and orders up 41 percent and 21 percent
from budget respectively, Japan is well-positioned to exceed
the sales objective budgeted for the year and Asia sales continue
to be strong.
By all accounts, these results are extremely encouraging and
have buoyed the confidence of the Church financial community.
Over the last month, our stock reached all-time highs on every
stock exchange where it is traded, suggesting the Streets'
confidence in Church of the SubGenius future. Little do they
suspect that X-day is nigh upon them.
Part of that confidence, I'm convinced, also reflects their
understanding that today CotSG is a very balanced, healthy
company. Five years ago, the majority of our revenues and
earnings came from selling Salvation in North America.
Today, we are a much more diversified company and much less
dependent on a single market or line of business. We have a
broad portfolio of leading and profitable products designed
to address the needs of a variety of customer segments. In
fact, we've evolved to the point where today, each of our
four lines of business represents approximately one-quarter
of our revenues. And, whereas five years ago only 19 percent
of our revenues came from markets outside of North America,
today that percentage has almost doubled.
Without a doubt, we are now reaping the rewards of the
attention and effort made by each of us over the past three
years, under the leadership of J.R. "Bob" Dobbs. It's
important to celebrate these good times. We suggest 'Frop.
At the same time, however, it's essential we don't get swept
away with a sense of euphoria and lose sight of the challenges
we face and the hurdles ahead. We are no longer competing
only against traditional religions, but also against the
best in the Military Religions. We must take the steps necessary
to ensure that we are well-positioned to meet this competition
I'd like to use the remainder of this letter to highlight
what I believe are our major priorities going forward.
Our number one priority - as agreed upon by senior management
across the corporation - is to establish CotSG as a recognized
leader in Nuclear and EMP large-scale operations with the same
reputation that we have earned for small-scale geocide and
We need to strengthen our Laser division to support the
re-deployment of the MechaDobbs instrument of destruction.
And we need to firm up our strategies for concentrated,
simultaneous effect for all identified X-day target areas.
To this end we have stepped up Nuclear System sales to the
Church Universal 'N' Triumphant, unloading the outdated
massive Nukes in favor of the Russian "suitcase" devices
while gaining the Laser technology needed for MechaDobbs.
Seven of the "suitcase" devices have been successfully
placed under the Arctic Ice Shelf, and preliminary simulations
show this to be enough to displace enough ice into the seas
to facilitate the requisite destruction of the major targeted
coastal cities in the US as well as in Europe, Japan, and Asia.
We expect the flooding to reach the Appalachians as well as
Nevada, and to do so in a tighter timeframe then would be allowed
by deployment of the devices against the target areas themselves.
It's been a terrific year so far. I'm encouraged by our
results and I am looking forward to closing out the year on a
record high. We have TONS of 'Frop stockpiled, as well as
our well protected supply of Church-Air. We undoubtedly have
some challenges ahead, but having witnessed throughout my
career at the Church the response of our organization to
profound extra-terrestrial transformations, it is with great
confidence and optimism that I say we are extremely well-positioned
to take advantage of the global opportunities on X-day.
Rev. Random the Other
Director of Operations
Gription Clench Weapon Systems