Subject: Re: Church Nukes Revealed!

Date: Mon, 08 Sep 1997 03:35:10 -0400

From: "Rev. Random the Other" <>

Organization: TOXIC COW

Newsgroups: alt.slack

References: 1


His Most Feathered Eminence wrote:


> some people, Dynasoar amongst them, were arguing a while back on how

> many nukes the Church of the SubGenius has left. some say four, some

> say only three.


> well, you're wrong.


> the Truth is about to be revealed ON NATIONAL TeeHee!


> I saw a promo for Sixty Minutes about an interview with a russian

> general who says that there are 100 SMALL NUCLEAR WEAPONS (able to be

> concealed in a briefcase) MISSING FROM THEIR ARSENALS.




> OK, I guess we here can't say "no one knows..."


> what I'm worried about are the nine nukes we had to sell to get the

> MechaDobbs instrument of destruction working again. I mean, was it

> really wise to sell 'em to the Church Universal 'N' Triumphant? so

> what if they had all those spare lasers lying around in the bunkers?


> anyways.


> we should also be worried about SPY magazine. I quote from their

> response to a letter in their Spet/Oct issue:


> "Luckilly, the staff of SPY is comprised solely of animatronic

> robot warriors. While typically peaceful, we can and will shoot

> lasers from our fingers if provoked..."


> clearly, the MechaDobbs should be unleashed on NYC first.



I covered this in my last Quarterly Report (attached).

Plans continue to unfold smoothly, and I see no reason to

change what has been a highly successful and profitable



Operatives continue to report that the Church Universal

'N' Triumphant will use those devices in a manner

supportive of our own directives. I will, however,

step up surveilance of the group in response to your

concerns. I feel that the present course will best

meet all of the priorities for going forward as required

by Dobbs.


Thank you for your input regarding the SPY magazine

organization. Operatives have been deployed. You will

be suitably rewarded.


Director Random


Quarterly Report

1997 Performance to Date and Priorities Going Forward


J.R. wants nothing but the best, and that means intensive

effort to coordinate working with the major weapon markets

and building our own market for the gear we were liquidating.


As Director of Operations I have been focused on Weapons

Systems for over three years, along with several hundred

procurement and dispersal $ales Drone$, commercial designers

and marketeers, and personally I am glad that we finished up

as early as we did. As I have been emphasizing in the staff

meetings, it is essential that 1) the equipment that we sold

ultimately be used in ways that benefit our Operating

Objectives; 2) We continue to procur a broad portfolo of

the leading products designed to address the needs of a

variety of X-day initiatives.


Fueled by the commitment and efforts of all employees, 1997

is turning out to be a year of record growth for the Church, as

we continue to win the business and confidence of our

customers around the globe. With four months remaining in the

current calendar year, I'd like to use this Quarterly Letter

to report on our 1997 market performance to date and to

highlight some key priorities going forward.


First, our market performance. During the first half of 1997,

we achieved record revenues of US$714 billion, an increase

of 27 percent over US$561 billion for the first half of

1996. Net earnings were US$104 per share, compared with

US$74 per share in the same period last year. Orders were

also up, from US$572 billion in 1996 to US$726 billion.


All lines of business and all geographic regions contributed

to these positive results. Specifically:

* Overseas Weapon Systems Sales grew a phenomenal 82 percent

over the same period last year, and continues to represent

our fastest growing line of business, today contributing

22 percent to overall revenues (up from only 10 percent

in 1994). This performance has been bolstered by the recent

award of approximately $500 million in contracts from the

Palestinian consortium and the successful beta testing of

the Team-Charge approach to personell-deployed devices

(PDD's), providing us with early leadership in this

high-growth market.


* Revenues from Latin American Weapon Sales were also up,

34 percent over the same period a year ago. One of the

most significant wins during this period was a

US$150 million contract with Shining Path Communications

- a U.S.-based provider that is building the first

inter-continental missle strike force based in S.A.


* US Weapon has exceeded both orders and revenue targets,

attributable in part to the tremendous success of our

marketing team with the nationally televised Bank of America

demo in North Hollywood. Sales of both body armor and

explosive armor-piercing rounds are surging. It is essential

to maintain public enthusiasm, especially in the militia,

law enforcement, street dealer, and gang markets. Our marketing

focus was especially successful in creating a desire among

all factions for what is being perceived as "the latest new

gear" while effectively allowing us to offload those technologies

deemed outdated. This approach is consistent with directives

from J.R. Dobbs, who insisted (correctly) that the public

would not realize that the lowered prices and sudden

availability of the products signals dumping of the old line

in preparation for offering the newer styling.


* Nuclear Enterprise Systems continues to represent the largest

percentage - 28 percent - of our revenues. Of particular

significance this year was the May launch of the "U&T" campaign

- a strategy designed to help enterprises of all sizes exploit

their nuclear stockpiles as strategic business engines for

competitive differentiation, growth, cost- efficiencies, and

productivity. As well, during the second quarter, Nuclear

Enterprise Networks significantly strengthened our

distribution capability in North America through a highly

successful new relationship with Church Universal 'N' Triumphant.

These revenues are considered pivotal to the success of our

Procurement programs in Russia and the Ukraine.


* In terms of geographic revenues, again the results are very

positive. Bosnia, which a year ago was considered a declining

market, continues to outstrip our expectations as a result of

the opportunities created by deregulation. Indeed, U.S. revenues

for the first half of 1997 were up 33 percent over 1996.

Revenue growth in Cuba was also up significantly, 21 percent

over last year. Moreover, opportunities for further growth in

Cuba are escalating with the fast-approaching 1998 market

liberalization. Asia and Japan also experienced phenomenal

growth this year, especially in Sarin replenishment. With

region-wide sales and orders up 41 percent and 21 percent

from budget respectively, Japan is well-positioned to exceed

the sales objective budgeted for the year and Asia sales continue

to be strong.


By all accounts, these results are extremely encouraging and

have buoyed the confidence of the Church financial community.

Over the last month, our stock reached all-time highs on every

stock exchange where it is traded, suggesting the Streets'

confidence in Church of the SubGenius future. Little do they

suspect that X-day is nigh upon them.


Part of that confidence, I'm convinced, also reflects their

understanding that today CotSG is a very balanced, healthy

company. Five years ago, the majority of our revenues and

earnings came from selling Salvation in North America.

Today, we are a much more diversified company and much less

dependent on a single market or line of business. We have a

broad portfolio of leading and profitable products designed

to address the needs of a variety of customer segments. In

fact, we've evolved to the point where today, each of our

four lines of business represents approximately one-quarter

of our revenues. And, whereas five years ago only 19 percent

of our revenues came from markets outside of North America,

today that percentage has almost doubled.


Without a doubt, we are now reaping the rewards of the

attention and effort made by each of us over the past three

years, under the leadership of J.R. "Bob" Dobbs. It's

important to celebrate these good times. We suggest 'Frop.

At the same time, however, it's essential we don't get swept

away with a sense of euphoria and lose sight of the challenges

we face and the hurdles ahead. We are no longer competing

only against traditional religions, but also against the

best in the Military Religions. We must take the steps necessary

to ensure that we are well-positioned to meet this competition

head on.


I'd like to use the remainder of this letter to highlight

what I believe are our major priorities going forward.

Our number one priority - as agreed upon by senior management

across the corporation - is to establish CotSG as a recognized

leader in Nuclear and EMP large-scale operations with the same

reputation that we have earned for small-scale geocide and



We need to strengthen our Laser division to support the

re-deployment of the MechaDobbs instrument of destruction.

And we need to firm up our strategies for concentrated,

simultaneous effect for all identified X-day target areas.

To this end we have stepped up Nuclear System sales to the

Church Universal 'N' Triumphant, unloading the outdated

massive Nukes in favor of the Russian "suitcase" devices

while gaining the Laser technology needed for MechaDobbs.

Seven of the "suitcase" devices have been successfully

placed under the Arctic Ice Shelf, and preliminary simulations

show this to be enough to displace enough ice into the seas

to facilitate the requisite destruction of the major targeted

coastal cities in the US as well as in Europe, Japan, and Asia.

We expect the flooding to reach the Appalachians as well as

Nevada, and to do so in a tighter timeframe then would be allowed

by deployment of the devices against the target areas themselves.


It's been a terrific year so far. I'm encouraged by our

results and I am looking forward to closing out the year on a

record high. We have TONS of 'Frop stockpiled, as well as

our well protected supply of Church-Air. We undoubtedly have

some challenges ahead, but having witnessed throughout my

career at the Church the response of our organization to

profound extra-terrestrial transformations, it is with great

confidence and optimism that I say we are extremely well-positioned

to take advantage of the global opportunities on X-day.



Rev. Random the Other

Director of Operations

Gription Clench Weapon Systems