Subject: Re: So, a few questions as I proceed...?
Date: Mon, 31 Aug 1998 02:27:43 -0400
From: "Rev. Random the Other" <email@example.com>
Organization: Gription Clench
References: 1 , 2 , 3
> On Fri, 28 Aug 1998 21:06:03 -0700, nu-monet <firstname.lastname@example.org>
> >10) What do you want? (all of it. cough it up.)
> Simple, To rule the Earth, for starts.
> er' "HAMMER"
> When i joined the FM, they assigned me a "coach",
> Do you have a provision for such?
Ok, looks like I've been recruited; I've been kinda Slack about the
newbies for a while so I guess it's fair. You want a coach? OK.
So, hmmm, "HAMMER" is it? Gotta change that. First, tho, I think a
brief overview. You are posting to a newsgroup, abbreviated NG.
You'll come up to speed soon enough on the abbreviations, IMO. This
is usenet newsgroup alt.slack. There are many many unwritten laws;
we'll discuss this more in a bit.
The denizens of alt.slack are, for the most part, Licensed
Ministers of the mighty CotSG. There are a few who are not, but
these are in any effect some of the most powerful members of the
Church. Everyone you meet here is involved in many of the sekrit
SubOrg's and represent many Levels of the Church. There are
hierarchic layers just like the Masons. You will not be told at
this time just how many levels. The term "Hierarchite" is used to
refer to the original thirteen anti-apostles of Dobbs. Several of
these Hierarchites are permanently assigned to alt.slack and will
be monitoring your progress. You may have noted some of them
already. Be VERY careful around these for the next few months,
especially Onan. Do NOT piss him off. They are responsible mostly
for the advanced levels and rarely bother to take personal
corrective action against the newbies, but they ARE watching. Most
everyone else outranks you by many many degrees. We have a steplock
system of interaction with each other over many many different
projects and spheres of authority, and even one of the lower
degrees can authorize actions by those in much higher degrees, who
are then bound to take the responsibilities. It depends on who
holds the authority over that sphere and what the needs are; who
has the OPs. I was recruited to respond to your request for
coaching by discussion among one of the many project teams. You
will be enjoined to participate further, at a later date, but
remember that the method used to divvy up the responsibilities is
discussion, NOT consensus. Consensus is EVIL. Also remember that
your actions at each level are monitored and that you are
continuously tested for advancement potential. Disputes are rare,
because of the degree of mutual interaction, but, if needed,
arbitration if done at the Hierarchite level. Be conscientious
and you should have no problems. You are presently at the "Accepted"
level, up one degree from the "Initiate" level. You will not be
contacted for field work at this level.
Ok, so much for overview. Just remember that alt.slack is a very
small subset of the Church, that most of the important activity
takes place outside of usenet, but that many of your most
important contacts will be met here, at first. Be reassured that
you have an advocacy group that supports your participation, that
will assign you appropriate tasks as you advance.
Now, a few alt.slack nuts and bolts, and those unwritten laws. To
be blunt, everyone is laughing at you right now. Your faux pas
are, however, expected at your level and have not jeopardized your
chances for advancement, but you need some polish. You didn't
read even ONE of the fifteen-hundred FAQ's, I can tell. This is
OK, neither did I way back when. I also doubt that you lurked
quite long enough, or perhaps paid enough attention to those
hidden clues while lurking. I'll try to keep you from continuing
to embarrass yourself. Ah, where to begin?
Ok, alt.slack is a text only newsgroup. Do not post .jpg or .gif
files (image or picture files) to alt.slack. Images should be
posted to alt.binaries.slack. If you even accidentally post and
image to alt.slack, operative Modemac will tag you for it. There
will be no explanation, just abuse. No one will tell you this,
but the reason that images are verboten is because of the
inordinate amount of disk space they take up on the Cabal(tinc)
machines. Cabal leaders make the call on what usenet groups are
available in which part of the country. If they decide that
alt.slack is taking up too much disk space, they WILL rmgroup
alt.slack, making it unavailable evermore. Many SubGenii are
Cabal(tinc) leaders. You will soon learn who these people are and
JUST how much power they have. Do NOT let Modemac catch you
posting image files or other binary files. DO NOT POST WAREZ!
Spam is very verboten. The S.P.(U.T.U).M. (SubGenius Police - do
a search for their webpage and learn) folks will stop you no
matter what it takes. You will lose your ISP account. No rogue
ISP will be able to shelter you. SPUTUM and the CABAL(tinc) will
(and have) issue a UDP - a Usenet Death Penalty. You post from
rocketmail and hotmail. Imagine rocketmail and hotmail shut down,
ALL usenet access denied to ALL their customers. They can and
will and have done this and the pressure that will be applied
against YOU in such a case is...well, just don't try it. Read in
the Sputsite about the last few fools that ignored this warning.
You can also learn all about hunting and killing spammers, and at
you level you are cleared to join SPUTUM, if you desire. Find and
read Jim Vandewalker's story about Enlow in the literature section.
Yes, this is homework.
When posting to alt.slack, set your margins at 75 char or less to
prevent wordwrap. If you do not, Starchy or Jack or Ben Wa will
surely give you "correction" and you will regret it. Do not POST
IN ALL CAPS unless absolutely necessary or unless you have
sufficient rank to get away with it. Do not argue with those who
are here to apply correction. Do NOT pretend that you have free
speech here and the right to go against the rules, seriously, or
you will not last long. Do not quote whole posts just to add your
little one line "me too". I believe that you have already been
warned about this. You should, however, quote SOMETHING and not
just post blind replies ala WebTV. Use the <snip> correctly. If
you don't know how, just pay attention to how others are doing it.
Remember, alt slack is for discussion. It is not a forsale group,
it is not a test group, it is not a fucking writers handholding
forum. I've seen no problems with you on this. Note that usenet
posts are distributed via feeds kept by the ISPs and that not all
ISPs get all the posts. My ISP gets about 66% of what I post from
here (I'm at work, being paid for this. You should be very
impressed). The fact that ISP's do not get all the posts is just
the way it is. Do NOT feel like the individuals on the newsgroup
are ignoring you, tho they may well be. They may not have read
your post. Do not flame spelling errors. Do not lose your Slack
over a post or a poster. Learn to operate a killfile if need
be. Troll all you want. No whiners.
Ok, now on a personal note. We are all laughing at you about your
alias "HAMMER". You gotta change this. First: DON'T put "quotes"
around your name like that, it makes you look unsure of yourself.
Second: For Christ's Sake DON'T use all CAPS in your alias!!!!
Who do you think you ARE? Even a cursory scan will tell you that
only NENSLO is allowed that. Certain letters may be capped,
sometimes a single WORD in a namestring may be capped, but DO NOT
USE ALL CAPS UNLESS YOU ARE NENSLO!!! In case you don't know (We
all understand that your books have not arrived yet, and it is
not on your record yet) NENSLO is a hierarchite and also wrote
"hateword". Until you write a "hateword" equivalent you will be
mocked as a pitiful NENSLO imitation cheese product until you
TAKE THE DAMN CAPS OFF YOUR STUPID ALIAS. Is that clear? Hammer
is fine. _hammer_ is fine. I would advise that you do not try to
use 'l33TsP3aK on alt.slack, ie, don't use hAmMeR or HAmM3R or
such. Save it for alt.2600 or the WAREZ groups.
Ok, now some generalities. You have already paid your $30, I take
it. Good hustle. Commendable even. You are not afraid to ask for
help and you display what appears a genuine desire to participate,
and to learn the rules. Good. You have been to SubSite. Good. You
may be a midget. If so, there is no use hiding it; don't even
pretend that this will not be discovered. Remember, you are in
the presence of SUPERIOR MUTANTS; nearly everyone on the board is
your superior and is better than you and will continue to be
better than you until YOU advance. You have held yourself to date
with posts designed to gather information - this is a good idea,
but it's time to start carrying your own weight. OK? If you run
into something you cannot handle, you may email me at
email@example.com or here at my work address (weekends
only) and I will try to assist. If you ignore the advice in this
post there is nothing I can do for you. If you piss off the wrong
people there is nothing I can do for you. It matters not if you
are a goddamn NECESSARY COG at a WAY advanced degree, you can and
will be cast aside (read Excommunicated) and the rest of us will
have to pick up the Slack. This happens and will continue to
happen, even to the most insightful and prolific and advanced.
Ask around and you will hear horror stories. I know of only one
SubGenius that was Excommunicated and then re-instated, and that
was by Dobbs' orders. Rumor is that nickie...well, I won't spread
You need to continue to spend money at the Church alter. Time,
effort, or skill do not mean squat here. Try to set aside a small
amount to buy stuff as often as you can, and increase this amount
continually. The packet you will receive will help ou decide what
to buy, as will the on-line Scatalog in SubSite. Your contributions
are monitored. Continue to surf the acceptable SubG websites,
spend more time in SubSite, begin to contribute artwork if you
got it, and read the books you've ordered. You HAVE ordered
tBotSG and Rev-X, haven't you? If not, do so.
Ok, back to alt.slack. As I said, it's time to start carrying
your own weight. The rules are pretty simple - if you are not
funny, don't try to be funny. Just go away. Try not to suck, but
if you do suck, don't apologize, they can smell blood and will
pick your bones clean. Just pick your self-esteem up off the
sidewalk and try again to NOT SUCK. Don't be defensive. DO be
RtO: ALRIGHT, Hammer, now GET IN LINE!
RtO: Come ON, GET IN LINE! NOW! MOVEMOVEMOVE!
H: <wanders around, looks confused, tries to stand behind me>
RtO: What in HELL are you DOING, Hammer? You a queer?
H: Lining up...
RtO: Geeze. NO YOU MAGGOT! GET WITH THE PROGRAM!
RtO: DROP AND GIVE ME 20!
RtO: STORIES! drop on your GODDAMN KEYBOARD and give me twenty
stories. NOW! GOGOGOGO!
RtO: YES, GODDAMNIT! STORIES! Gimmee five about aigs, five about
Prairie Squid, and ten about whatever the fuck you want, just
make it fucking INTERESTING. And FUNNY, Goddamnit!
RtO: AIGS! Eggs, Aigs, come ON! I was chillin' out in the dairy
department with eleven sibs, all nestled cozily in a polyethylene
carton, when the shopper first approached. She opened the carton
and inspected us closely. Her warm fingers wrapped around me as
she lifted, inspecting the thin line that looked to be a crack. I
held my breath as she turned me over, knowing that I was born
with a slight surface defect but hoping and praying that she
wouldn't think me truly cracked. I breathed a sigh of relief when
her warm, dextrous fingers slipped me back into the carton. I was
so focused on passing the inspection that I didn't realize just
what my fate had in store. At the checkout counter, after we were
slipped across the holographic barcode reader, I realized that my
sibs were much too quiet. I looked them over, nudge nudge, "HEY
things are looking GOOD, right?" when it dawned on me that
the sibs were wide eyed and terrified. "What's wrong?", I
inquired. The most pointyheaded of us turned to me and stuttered,
"D-D-Do y-y-ou know w-w-who that WAS?" Well, no, all my attention
was focused on the acceptance, hoping and praying that I'd be
accepted and not cast aside. "Who?", I asked. The pointy one was
too afraid to speak, and I asked three times before the aig at
the end of the other row answered "Karen Finley". Oh my Gwad. I
could suddenly understand the other aigs terror. Ever since I was
laid, I hoped to make something of myself, to be more than just
an anonymous McMuffin. Something noble, perhaps to be tossed
righteously in protest, or maybe in revenge by celebs like the
Beastie Boys, or at least fed to someone kewl. I always prided
myself on rising above the jibes of my fellows, who suggested
that I would be accidentally dropped on the floor and licked up
by a dawg. But oh Gawd, not Karen Finley! Suddenly, I began to
tremble, my aig shell chattering against my nearest kin. "Oh, Oh,
she'll probably stick us ALL up her cooter!", came the chorus of
fear. I was swept by nausea, thinking that she might smear my
yolk all over her naked body as symbol of baby-poo or something,
making some half-assed association between women who give birth
and the societal expectations that then are imposed on the mommy
for the next twenty-one years. I knew that I had to act fast
before the carton was placed in the paper bag...
AIGS! dammit! Drop and gimmee Aigs!
RtO: NOW! GIMMEEFIVESTORIESABOUTAIGSRIGHTNOWANDMAKEEMGOOD!
H: Aigs? um...
RtO: GOGOGOGOGO! I knew I was fertilized, and from the moment I
went into the nest I was feeling mighty good. Hell, I might be a
rooster! My momma, the swaybacked old whore, had managed to stay
out of the soup pot by dropping two a day during summer, while
daddy had had his way with her and every other hen with such
vigor that farmer "Bob" would often stop by to watch, unzipping
his pants and fantasizing that he had pleasured as many chicks.
I knew that the old rooster would soon wear out, spent, and hoped
and prayed that I would be the one to replace him. It was during
such a revelry that the slit eyes peered up over the nest edge,
all the hens squalking and flapping but unable to deter the
long black snake whose open mouth resembled nothing more than a
bottomless pit, or perhaps Monica Lewinsky. The fangs were curved
and folded back, and as the creature slithered closer I could
smell the musky scent and see the long, thick body, cigar-like
and again reminding me of Monica and the soaked residue of her
illicit encounters. As I trembled in fear...
AIGS! Now YOUR turn Hammer!
H: Um, do I HAVE to? Um...um...
Rto: You got THREE choices here, Hammer!
GET SOME SLACK, CREATE SOME SLACK, OR DIE
THESE ARE YOUR *ONLY* CHOICES (-st. bubba)
Rev. Random the Other
Cultist, Gription Clench