Subject: Re: So, a few questions as I proceed...?

Date: Mon, 31 Aug 1998 02:27:43 -0400

From: "Rev. Random the Other" <>

Organization: Gription Clench

Newsgroups: alt.slack

References: 1 , 2 , 3    


HAMMER wrote:


> On Fri, 28 Aug 1998 21:06:03 -0700, nu-monet <>

> wrote:


> >10) What do you want? (all of it. cough it up.)

> Simple, To rule the Earth, for starts.


> er' "HAMMER"


> When i joined the FM, they assigned me a "coach",

> Do you have a provision for such?



Ok, looks like I've been recruited; I've been kinda Slack about the

newbies for a while so I guess it's fair. You want a coach? OK.


So, hmmm, "HAMMER" is it? Gotta change that. First, tho, I think a

brief overview. You are posting to a newsgroup, abbreviated NG.

You'll come up to speed soon enough on the abbreviations, IMO. This

is usenet newsgroup alt.slack. There are many many unwritten laws;

we'll discuss this more in a bit.


The denizens of alt.slack are, for the most part, Licensed

Ministers of the mighty CotSG. There are a few who are not, but

these are in any effect some of the most powerful members of the

Church. Everyone you meet here is involved in many of the sekrit

SubOrg's and represent many Levels of the Church. There are

hierarchic layers just like the Masons. You will not be told at

this time just how many levels. The term "Hierarchite" is used to

refer to the original thirteen anti-apostles of Dobbs. Several of

these Hierarchites are permanently assigned to alt.slack and will

be monitoring your progress. You may have noted some of them

already. Be VERY careful around these for the next few months,

especially Onan. Do NOT piss him off. They are responsible mostly

for the advanced levels and rarely bother to take personal

corrective action against the newbies, but they ARE watching. Most

everyone else outranks you by many many degrees. We have a steplock

system of interaction with each other over many many different

projects and spheres of authority, and even one of the lower

degrees can authorize actions by those in much higher degrees, who

are then bound to take the responsibilities. It depends on who

holds the authority over that sphere and what the needs are; who

has the OPs. I was recruited to respond to your request for

coaching by discussion among one of the many project teams. You

will be enjoined to participate further, at a later date, but

remember that the method used to divvy up the responsibilities is

discussion, NOT consensus. Consensus is EVIL. Also remember that

your actions at each level are monitored and that you are

continuously tested for advancement potential. Disputes are rare,

because of the degree of mutual interaction, but, if needed,

arbitration if done at the Hierarchite level. Be conscientious

and you should have no problems. You are presently at the "Accepted"

level, up one degree from the "Initiate" level. You will not be

contacted for field work at this level.


Ok, so much for overview. Just remember that alt.slack is a very

small subset of the Church, that most of the important activity

takes place outside of usenet, but that many of your most

important contacts will be met here, at first. Be reassured that

you have an advocacy group that supports your participation, that

will assign you appropriate tasks as you advance.


Now, a few alt.slack nuts and bolts, and those unwritten laws. To

be blunt, everyone is laughing at you right now. Your faux pas

are, however, expected at your level and have not jeopardized your

chances for advancement, but you need some polish. You didn't

read even ONE of the fifteen-hundred FAQ's, I can tell. This is

OK, neither did I way back when. I also doubt that you lurked

quite long enough, or perhaps paid enough attention to those

hidden clues while lurking. I'll try to keep you from continuing

to embarrass yourself. Ah, where to begin?


Ok, alt.slack is a text only newsgroup. Do not post .jpg or .gif

files (image or picture files) to alt.slack. Images should be

posted to alt.binaries.slack. If you even accidentally post and

image to alt.slack, operative Modemac will tag you for it. There

will be no explanation, just abuse. No one will tell you this,

but the reason that images are verboten is because of the

inordinate amount of disk space they take up on the Cabal(tinc)

machines. Cabal leaders make the call on what usenet groups are

available in which part of the country. If they decide that

alt.slack is taking up too much disk space, they WILL rmgroup

alt.slack, making it unavailable evermore. Many SubGenii are

Cabal(tinc) leaders. You will soon learn who these people are and

JUST how much power they have. Do NOT let Modemac catch you

posting image files or other binary files. DO NOT POST WAREZ!


Spam is very verboten. The S.P.(U.T.U).M. (SubGenius Police - do

a search for their webpage and learn) folks will stop you no

matter what it takes. You will lose your ISP account. No rogue

ISP will be able to shelter you. SPUTUM and the CABAL(tinc) will

(and have) issue a UDP - a Usenet Death Penalty. You post from

rocketmail and hotmail. Imagine rocketmail and hotmail shut down,

ALL usenet access denied to ALL their customers. They can and

will and have done this and the pressure that will be applied

against YOU in such a case is...well, just don't try it. Read in

the Sputsite about the last few fools that ignored this warning.

You can also learn all about hunting and killing spammers, and at

you level you are cleared to join SPUTUM, if you desire. Find and

read Jim Vandewalker's story about Enlow in the literature section.

Yes, this is homework.


When posting to alt.slack, set your margins at 75 char or less to

prevent wordwrap. If you do not, Starchy or Jack or Ben Wa will

surely give you "correction" and you will regret it. Do not POST

IN ALL CAPS unless absolutely necessary or unless you have

sufficient rank to get away with it. Do not argue with those who

are here to apply correction. Do NOT pretend that you have free

speech here and the right to go against the rules, seriously, or

you will not last long. Do not quote whole posts just to add your

little one line "me too". I believe that you have already been

warned about this. You should, however, quote SOMETHING and not

just post blind replies ala WebTV. Use the <snip> correctly. If

you don't know how, just pay attention to how others are doing it.


Remember, alt slack is for discussion. It is not a forsale group,

it is not a test group, it is not a fucking writers handholding

forum. I've seen no problems with you on this. Note that usenet

posts are distributed via feeds kept by the ISPs and that not all

ISPs get all the posts. My ISP gets about 66% of what I post from

here (I'm at work, being paid for this. You should be very

impressed). The fact that ISP's do not get all the posts is just

the way it is. Do NOT feel like the individuals on the newsgroup

are ignoring you, tho they may well be. They may not have read

your post. Do not flame spelling errors. Do not lose your Slack

over a post or a poster. Learn to operate a killfile if need

be. Troll all you want. No whiners.


Ok, now on a personal note. We are all laughing at you about your

alias "HAMMER". You gotta change this. First: DON'T put "quotes"

around your name like that, it makes you look unsure of yourself.

Second: For Christ's Sake DON'T use all CAPS in your alias!!!!

Who do you think you ARE? Even a cursory scan will tell you that

only NENSLO is allowed that. Certain letters may be capped,

sometimes a single WORD in a namestring may be capped, but DO NOT

USE ALL CAPS UNLESS YOU ARE NENSLO!!! In case you don't know (We

all understand that your books have not arrived yet, and it is

not on your record yet) NENSLO is a hierarchite and also wrote

"hateword". Until you write a "hateword" equivalent you will be

mocked as a pitiful NENSLO imitation cheese product until you


is fine. _hammer_ is fine. I would advise that you do not try to

use 'l33TsP3aK on alt.slack, ie, don't use hAmMeR or HAmM3R or

such. Save it for alt.2600 or the WAREZ groups.


Ok, now some generalities. You have already paid your $30, I take

it. Good hustle. Commendable even. You are not afraid to ask for

help and you display what appears a genuine desire to participate,

and to learn the rules. Good. You have been to SubSite. Good. You

may be a midget. If so, there is no use hiding it; don't even

pretend that this will not be discovered. Remember, you are in

the presence of SUPERIOR MUTANTS; nearly everyone on the board is

your superior and is better than you and will continue to be

better than you until YOU advance. You have held yourself to date

with posts designed to gather information - this is a good idea,

but it's time to start carrying your own weight. OK? If you run

into something you cannot handle, you may email me at or here at my work address (weekends

only) and I will try to assist. If you ignore the advice in this

post there is nothing I can do for you. If you piss off the wrong

people there is nothing I can do for you. It matters not if you

are a goddamn NECESSARY COG at a WAY advanced degree, you can and

will be cast aside (read Excommunicated) and the rest of us will

have to pick up the Slack. This happens and will continue to

happen, even to the most insightful and prolific and advanced.

Ask around and you will hear horror stories. I know of only one

SubGenius that was Excommunicated and then re-instated, and that

was by Dobbs' orders. Rumor is that nickie...well, I won't spread



You need to continue to spend money at the Church alter. Time,

effort, or skill do not mean squat here. Try to set aside a small

amount to buy stuff as often as you can, and increase this amount

continually. The packet you will receive will help ou decide what

to buy, as will the on-line Scatalog in SubSite. Your contributions

are monitored. Continue to surf the acceptable SubG websites,

spend more time in SubSite, begin to contribute artwork if you

got it, and read the books you've ordered. You HAVE ordered

tBotSG and Rev-X, haven't you? If not, do so.


Ok, back to alt.slack. As I said, it's time to start carrying

your own weight. The rules are pretty simple - if you are not

funny, don't try to be funny. Just go away. Try not to suck, but

if you do suck, don't apologize, they can smell blood and will

pick your bones clean. Just pick your self-esteem up off the

sidewalk and try again to NOT SUCK. Don't be defensive. DO be



RtO: ALRIGHT, Hammer, now GET IN LINE!

H: ?


H: <wanders around, looks confused, tries to stand behind me>

RtO: What in HELL are you DOING, Hammer? You a queer?

H: Lining up...


H: Um...


H: Twenty?

RtO: STORIES! drop on your GODDAMN KEYBOARD and give me twenty

stories. NOW! GOGOGOGO!

H: Stories?

RtO: YES, GODDAMNIT! STORIES! Gimmee five about aigs, five about

Prairie Squid, and ten about whatever the fuck you want, just

make it fucking INTERESTING. And FUNNY, Goddamnit!

H: Eggs?

RtO: AIGS! Eggs, Aigs, come ON! I was chillin' out in the dairy

department with eleven sibs, all nestled cozily in a polyethylene

carton, when the shopper first approached. She opened the carton

and inspected us closely. Her warm fingers wrapped around me as

she lifted, inspecting the thin line that looked to be a crack. I

held my breath as she turned me over, knowing that I was born

with a slight surface defect but hoping and praying that she

wouldn't think me truly cracked. I breathed a sigh of relief when

her warm, dextrous fingers slipped me back into the carton. I was

so focused on passing the inspection that I didn't realize just

what my fate had in store. At the checkout counter, after we were

slipped across the holographic barcode reader, I realized that my

sibs were much too quiet. I looked them over, nudge nudge, "HEY

things are looking GOOD, right?" when it dawned on me that

the sibs were wide eyed and terrified. "What's wrong?", I

inquired. The most pointyheaded of us turned to me and stuttered,

"D-D-Do y-y-ou know w-w-who that WAS?" Well, no, all my attention

was focused on the acceptance, hoping and praying that I'd be

accepted and not cast aside. "Who?", I asked. The pointy one was

too afraid to speak, and I asked three times before the aig at

the end of the other row answered "Karen Finley". Oh my Gwad. I

could suddenly understand the other aigs terror. Ever since I was

laid, I hoped to make something of myself, to be more than just

an anonymous McMuffin. Something noble, perhaps to be tossed

righteously in protest, or maybe in revenge by celebs like the

Beastie Boys, or at least fed to someone kewl. I always prided

myself on rising above the jibes of my fellows, who suggested

that I would be accidentally dropped on the floor and licked up

by a dawg. But oh Gawd, not Karen Finley! Suddenly, I began to

tremble, my aig shell chattering against my nearest kin. "Oh, Oh,

she'll probably stick us ALL up her cooter!", came the chorus of

fear. I was swept by nausea, thinking that she might smear my

yolk all over her naked body as symbol of baby-poo or something,

making some half-assed association between women who give birth

and the societal expectations that then are imposed on the mommy

for the next twenty-one years. I knew that I had to act fast

before the carton was placed in the paper bag...


AIGS! dammit! Drop and gimmee Aigs!


H: um...


H: Aigs? um...

RtO: GOGOGOGOGO! I knew I was fertilized, and from the moment I

went into the nest I was feeling mighty good. Hell, I might be a

rooster! My momma, the swaybacked old whore, had managed to stay

out of the soup pot by dropping two a day during summer, while

daddy had had his way with her and every other hen with such

vigor that farmer "Bob" would often stop by to watch, unzipping

his pants and fantasizing that he had pleasured as many chicks.

I knew that the old rooster would soon wear out, spent, and hoped

and prayed that I would be the one to replace him. It was during

such a revelry that the slit eyes peered up over the nest edge,

all the hens squalking and flapping but unable to deter the

long black snake whose open mouth resembled nothing more than a

bottomless pit, or perhaps Monica Lewinsky. The fangs were curved

and folded back, and as the creature slithered closer I could

smell the musky scent and see the long, thick body, cigar-like

and again reminding me of Monica and the soaked residue of her

illicit encounters. As I trembled in fear...


AIGS! Now YOUR turn Hammer!

H: Um, do I HAVE to?

Rto: You got THREE choices here, Hammer!





Rev. Random the Other

Cultist, Gription Clench