-By Ivan Stang-
"I am not an animal; I am not a Man; I am a descendent of the Pygmy Yeti
of the British Isles."
Sometimes I get up in the morning, look in the mirror, and say, "You
fucked up. You're a FUCKIN' IDIOT. For 15 years you've been busting your
ass for an anti-religion religion. And to make things worse it's also
anti-art art and anti-science scienece. But that wasn't stupid enough.
Just for the icing on the cake, it had to even be an anti-business
And look where it's got you. You look like a bum, you're broke, you're
addicted to 'frop, you haven't held down a normal job in YEARS, you don't
even have a TIE, you haven't exactly given your kids their choice of
colleges, and your wife thinks you might be INSANE.
Now lately I've heard tell of a RUMOR that I, Rev. Ivan Stang, had
somewhere somehow been hinting that I wasn't REALLY a SUBGENIUS. I guess
somebody was "INTERPRETING" SubGenius writings as if they were some kind
of art fag poetry for coffee house GIMPS. Now if what I just described
isn't classic SubGenius behavior, if there is such a thing, I sure don't
know what is.
Because late at night, when I look in the mirror AGAIN, I say to myself,
"YES, I'm a fucking idiot, PRAISE "BOB"! YES, 15 years I've been busting
my ass on an anti-religion religion, PRAISE "BOB"! YES, it's anti-art
science and anti-science art, and anti-business business, PRAISE "BOB"!
YES, I look like a bum, PRAISE "BOB"! YES, I'm addicted to 'frop, PRAISE
"BOB!" NO, I haven't held down a normal job in years and don't have a
tie, PRAISE "BOB"! NO, my kids don't need their minds destroyed by
college any more than I did, because YES they can think for themselves,
PRAISE "BOB"! and NO, I AM NOT INSANE, EVERYBODY ELSE IS, PRAISE FUCKIN'
"BOB"!! FUCK 'EM IF THEY CAN'T TAKE A JOKE! And that's all there is to
it. That is a TRUE THING.
DID YOU EVER HAVE "THE BLUES?" Have you ever felt TOTALLY SLACKLESS?
Like everybody in the world was out to GET you, and they were all
ASSHOLES? Well, if you HAVEN'T, then you are probably NOT a SubGenius.
Some of you came to this place because you are DAMAGED. Some, because
everybody ELSE is damaged. Either way, you feel ALONE.
You ARE alone. We will NOT bullshit you about that. But we are not here
to all be "alone together" like cutesy little new age Pink Boys in some
NERD SUPPORT GROUP. NAY! Besides, do you really WANT companionship from
a bunch of your fellow SubGenius yoyos ANYWAY? Chances are, you'd just as
SOON be LEFT A FUCKING LONE. And, you lucky bastard, that's just what
"Bob" is good for.
YOU CAN BE ALONE... WITH "BOB."
Yes, you can be ALONE with "BOB." He's the only Personal Savior you CAN
be alone with. All those other Personal Saviors, hell they're always
breathin' down your neck, WATCHING you, "Did you SIN too much today? Are
you gonna be able to pay the bills this month? Are you doing your best?
Did you remember to kiss my ass?" With Dobbs, you don't have that
problem, because "BOB" DOESN'T CARE. He could give a good golly gosh darn
about you failures and your sins or even if you kiss his ass. He cares
about your MONEY; but he ain't well enough connected to FORGIVE your sins,
and even if he was, he doesn't consider your sins WORTH forgiving. He
will however JUSTIFY your sins! He will RATIONALIZE your sins! He brings
not forgiveness but an EXCUSE!! FUCK your sins! Sin MORE! THIS MAY BE
YOUR LAST CHANCE!!
Don't worry about being a FAILURE in the Conspiracy world. They WILL try
to humiliate you but they LACK the sublime cosmic knowledge of the
forbidden sciences, that the only thing that NEVER FAILS, IS failure. The
only thing that NEVER WORKS, is PERFECTION. The only workable philosophy,
the ONE RULE of the Church, is "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke." You
gotta stop blaming yourself for your failures, and get back to BLAMING THE
CONSPIRACY. The CONSPIRACY tries to tell you that a failed experiment is
BAD and that you're a LOSER if you aren't RICH and GOOD LOOKING and that
it's somehow ABNORMAL and UNHEALTHY to be depressed, pessimistic, consumed
with HATE, and DESPERATELY seeking SLACK in STRANGE PLACES. Those are
actually APPROPRIATE RESPONSES to a world that's SO FUCKED UP, that even
the CHURCH OF THE SUBGENIUS starts to make sense by comparison.
The idea that it's NORMAL for everything to be all cheery and hunky-dory
and slackful and lovey is a LIE. They ACT like it ALREADY IS, so that
YOU'LL STOP TRYING TO MAKE IT THAT WAY, someday, in the far future or
1998, whichever comes first... 'cause that makes THEM look BAD. As the
old bumper sticker says, "I'D RATHER BE KILLING OPTIMISTS." That way lies
a life of QUIET DESPARATION.
We SubGenii choose to lead lives of EAR-SPLITTING desperation. We MUST
HAVE SLACK, but we're getting force-fed a gross pablum of FALSE SLACK, we
ARE being ripped off every day, and we are NOT going to sit back and be
POLITE while we're getting FUCKED. When they won't let you have the kind
of Slack you need, then have they given you any CHOICE but to obtain SLACK
THROUGH HATE?? The Christians and New Agers like to channel their false
"LOVE". Well that's JUST FINE for them, since they comprise 95% of the
OverPop. By the same token the SubGenius channels its TRUE HATE, tapping
the pure HATE-FORCE of the Universe and transmute it from STUPIDITY into
SLACK. Just like I have to transmute my mood from stupid to slack as the
day wears on. Although Slack is the energy which powers the universe, it
is equally true that invisible, seething, self-contained HATE PARTICLES
comprise the MISSING MATTER of the universe, the hidden MASS for which
quantum physicists still search.
Hate and failure are part of NATURE and must needs be UNSUSPECTED PATHS TO
SLACK. The life of a SubGenius, marooned in a sea of humans, can be hard.
You might think we Preachers of "Bob," we fishers of wallets have the most
Slack-filled job in the world, next to "Bob"... but no, it ain't easy.
We took on the job of PULLING GOD'S LEG -- and well, it's a BIG LEG my
friend. A MIGHTY big leg to pull. I'm the first to admit, devoting your
heart mind and soul to "Bob" won't solve all your problems. But it WILL
help you BLOW THEM OFF. And sometimes, when they're bad enough, that
Besides, you may not yet have any INKLING what Slack REALLY IS for YOU.
Oh, you THINK you do. You think "Oh, if I had such and such then I'd have
Slack. If she loved me I'd have Slack." And you actually start "WORKING
TOO HARD FOR SLACK." You build up to an OBSESSED FEVER PITCH reaching for
that gold ring of Slack... trying to smoke the pot of Slack at the end of
the Rainbow... and you OD!! -- it BACKFIRES, snowballs out of control.
It becomes "black" or "sullied" Slack, AntiSlack. And that's when "Bob"
steps in and saves your ass. BY TOTALLY FUCKING UP YOUR PATHETIC
Not by answering your prayers. He didn't pay any ATTENTION to your
prayers. He just makes everything BREAK DOWN. Not DELIBERATELY -- that's
just what happens around him. Suddenly there's this WHOLE STRING of
TERRIBLE BREAKDOWNS and DISASTERS and your CHERISHED PLAN is SHOT TO HELL.
And you can do NOTHING, not a GOD DAMNED THING, your HANDS ARE TIED,
and... best of all... it's NOT YOUR FAULT. You look down and there's
that treadmill you've been on, broken down and SMOKING. For NOTHING. And
slowly the Grin of "Bob" creeps over your face.
For at that moment "Bob" has enlightened you! And you think, "PRAISE
BOB!!! Everything went TOTALLY all to shit in the VERY NICK OF TIME! Now
I can RELAX! In fact I HAVE TO! I believe I'll go see a movie! And,
funny, now that I've calmed down, I seem to see the INCREDIBLY SIMPLE
SOLUTION to that SEEMINGLY INSURMOUNTABLE PROBLEM. It was right in front
of my dumb-ass face the WHOLE TIME! Why, that glass wasn't HALF EMPTY at
ALL -- it was HALF FULL and besides, I was looking at SOMEBODY ELSE'S
GLASS! I have been DELIVERED SLACK FROM WHENCE I LEAST EXPECTED IT!!
PRAISE HIS SWEET NAME!"
The is the newly revealed doctrine of INVOLUNTARY SLACK. Just when life
looks intolerable, INVOLUNTARY SLACK may be your deliverance. Oh, it
might not be the kind of Slack you had in MIND. It might even be FORCED
Slack -- shoved down your craw against your will for your OWN GOOD by
"BOB" -- but yet, it is true Slack all the same. Maybe it comes up behind
you and whups you upside the back of the head, like a mugger, but if that
snaps you out of your treadmill of False Slack, then by Gobbs you better
be thankful for it. INVOLUNTARY SLACK.
Because you can't know what Slack is until you GOT it, nor can you SHARE
it, or INVEST it rather. YOUR SLACK COMES FIRST. Just remember, it may
not be what the Conspiracy, or The Church of the SubGenius, made you THINK
it was. THAT'S between you and "Bob."
Dobbs said, You'll pay to know what you really think. We will sell you
the knowledge of what you really believe. And I'll tell you what I
believe. I believe I'm gonna get offstage and have me a damn fropstick
just as soon as I can!
Let's face it. Society is breaking down. The world as we know it has
been PINKING OUT on BORROWED TIME. The warranty on this planet RUNS OUT
on July 5, 1998. Earth is DOOMED. Only J R "BOB" DOBBS has the EXTENDED
Citizens Common Law Courts... poebuckers declaring the U.S. illegal...
people who haven't caught on that the Conspiracy WON hundreds of years ago
and is just playing cat and mouse with them.
But I like the idea.
The Church should declare itself a sovereign nation. The Vatican did it.
Demand that the UN and the Geneva Conference recognize the Sovereign State
of the state of mind of the Church of the SubGenius and the authority of
JR BOB DOBBS, High Epopt; His Royal Highness King Philo; Prime Minister
Ivan Stang; Commander of the Armed Forces G. Gordon Gordon; Pope
Sternodox; and that they be accorded the same rights, privileges as any
heads of state; the right to place tarriffs, enforce our borders, regulate
trade, immigration, mint currency; and complete autonomy from all Outer
Worlds. The right to declare war... we'll do all that first and then buy
the land later.
THAT FACE IS EVIL GRINNING DEATH!! He pretends to be a holy man but he's
just another RICH LYING FRAUD praying on the WEAK and STUPID, sapping away
your MONEY!! He gets rich admitting that he's ripping you off!
Not a bad idea. Finally an HONEST preacher. Finally a religion that
DOESN'T BULLSHIT YOU about how full of BULLSHIT it is! The ONE TRUE
RELIGION! Can I get a WITNESS!
Moment of noise?
"Bob" Dobbs himself was to have addressed you tonight, but the great man
has passed out backstage in the arms of strippers, reeking of gin.
Luckily his right brain man, one of the biggest of his Holy Dicks, is here
to cleanse your soul before you lose it.
(VIDEO #1 and AUDIO #1 START)
Open your hearts, close your minds, unzip your wallets and BEND OVER,
because here comes "BOB" !
PRAISE "BOB!" GOD DAMN IT YOU MAGGOTS, SOUND OFF LIKE YA GOT A PAIR!
PRAISE GOD DAMN "BOB" DAMN DOBBS! Or fuck "Bob." You could fuck "Bob"
instead. He don't care.
The fundamentalist fanatics all think there should be more RELIGION in
this country. Well, have we got a religion for them!!
The Church of the SubGenius --God's Answer to Fundamentalists ETERNAL
SALVATION - OR TRIPLE YOUR MONEY BACK
This religion has ONE RULE and ONE RULE ONLY and that is, "FUCK 'EM IF
THEY CAN'T TAKE A JOKE." Words to live by.
It has one sin and one sin only and that is the sin of serving the
Conspiracy of the FUCKING NORMAL PEOPLE. Well, 2 sins, the sin of not
sending your $30 to Dobbs. Actually... there's 365 sins that we KNOW of,
but we're looking for more.
We've gone WAY BEYOND SATANISM. "Bob" Dobbs can out-tempt the Devil.
Where you go after messin' with the Devil, he don't care.
(PULL OUT CLOCK or watch AND SMASH THE SHIT OUT OF IT)
Amongst us in this holy place are just a few too many HALF-ASSED TRENDY
NORMAL HUMANS, DISGUISED as mutants and weirdos. People that spent $120
on a haircut that's supposed to prove they don't care how they LOOK. We
must CLEANSE this foul place of the STENCH of Normality and
Trend-butt-kissing. We must PURIFY this pit of Pinkness for the SWEET
DELICATE MAGIC of (BAND NAME HERE), that lovely ballet troup and string
(BURN a FISTFUL of CASH)
As long as the smoke from these dollar bills is still risin' up to Heaven,
the INVISIBLE ALIEN MONSTERS ABOVE KNOW there's still SOMETHING left on
earth worth saving.
This man "Bob" is the world's first disposable SHORT DURATION PERSONAL
He ain't gonna DIE for your sins. He doesn't give a SHIT about your sins.
He ain't gonna forgive you because you didn't do anything you had to be
"Bob" COMES ... he comes again and again, to JUSTIFY your sins! To
RATIONALIZE your sins! He brings not forgiveness but an EXCUSE!! FUCK
your sins! Sin MORE! THIS MAY BE YOUR LAST CHANCE!!
He 's selling you... SOMETHING FOR NOTHING. Your money... is NOTHING.
Now SLACK -- THAT'S something. That's something far more palpable and
concrete than MONEY or FANCY CARS. The money and fast cars ring hollow
without the Slack. Ask Elvis.
"BOB" teaches a doctrine of PURE UNADULTERATED SLACK. TOO MUCH IS ALWAYS
BETTER THAN NOT ENOUGH!! DON'T JUST EAT THAT HAMBURGER, EAT THE HELL OUT
OF IT!! The SubGenius MUST HAVE SLACK. WHAT MUST HE HAVE??? He must
And "Bob" won't even tell you what Slack IS; you get to decide THAT
yourself. Oh, but the CONSPIRACY will try to tell you what Slack is. BE
THEIR GOOD WIDDLE CLOWN and you can have all the FALSE SLACK you want.
Most people wouldn't know what Slack was if it crawled up their pants in
the form of an evil snake. They think, Oh if I could get a RAISE, THEN
I'd have Slack. Oh if I could be like WHITNEY HOUSTON then I'd have
slack. If I could FUCK Whitney Houston then I'd have slack. For most of
the world Slack is one decent meal.
(5 min -- CON footage starts)
(Bring out someone wearing suit and my SMILEY-monster mask )
These two beautiful little SubGenius children came up to me outside the
Church the other day and asked me, "Rev. Stang, who do we hate?" Isn't
that cute? And I said, We hate THEM -- THE OTHERS. THE ASSHOLES. THE
PINK BOYS and FALSE PROFITS, the SHEEP in WOLF'S CLOTHING! THE BARBIES
and KENS. The Mediocretins, the somnambulacs... the NORMALS ORDINARY
HUMAN BEINGS. And worst of all our rival RELIGIOUS NUTS. You think they
love God all that much? What they really LOVE is the idea of YOU going to
And those sweet little girls said, "Oh, "Bob" shall slay them all and reap
their souls in his harvest on X-Day, Rev. Stang." Isn't that cute.
The normals, smug yuppies and poebucker Nuzis who are SEEMINGLY SHOPPING
all around you in BLISSFULL IGNORANCE, actually form a VAST CONSPIRACY
PINKS: BOVINE MINDLESS STEREOTYPES... YET THEY COULD DESTROY WORLD!!
THINK HOW BAD THINGS ARE NOW... THINK WHAT THEY'RE NOT TELLING YOU!
AMERICA is a CULT ... Talking you into WORKING yourself to death, HOW ANY
DIFFERENT FROM JIM JONES, 900 PEOPLE?
FAMILY VALUES... WORRIED ABOUT PORNOGRAPHY. 9-5 JOBS...Mom, Dad,
LEGALIZE PORNOGRAPHY, and BAN WORK!
It's WAR!!! US vs. THEM This is THE VERY LAST DITCH BATTLE FOR THE MIND!
The final RESISTANCE against creeping NORMALITY!!
Unfortunately, belief in some old man in the clouds or a big Disneyland in
the hereafter WILL NOT protect you. That's all PURE GRADE D BULLSHIT.
Want proof? GOD?? I DARE YOU TO KILL ME! If you're there, STRIKE ME
DEAD WITH A BOLT OF LIGHTNING!! See? WHO WILL SAVE YOU?? ((10 min --
"BOB" FOOTAGE)) MOSES PARTED THE RED SEA, OPPENHEIMER SPLIT THE ATOM, BUT
"BOB" CUT THE CRAP.
"BOB" was once a humble salesman. He could sell ice to eskimos, hypocricy
to Christians and Hate to a SubGenius.
That led him into religion and he founded this DO-IT-YOURSELF DISORGANIZED
RELIGION FOR NON-JOINERS. SINNERS, MUTANTS, MISFITS, DISBELIEVERS, and
THOSE WHO'LL BELIEVE ANYTHING, in 1953, not on a rock, but on a shifting,
sandy beach of HYPOCRICY, when he discovered that there was a CONSPIRACY
of NORMALS, STEALING AWAY the SLACK of ALL ABNORMALS.
And it's hard to get abnormals to band together. ALL SUBGENIUSES ARE
DIFFERENT -- if any TWO or alike, ONE MUST DIE. Only thing we have in
common is we have NOTHIN' in common with the Conspiracy of the Normals.
But we've been infiltrated. You see these silly ninnies, these BOBBIES
STICKIN' TO THE TARBABY of Bob. All day long blabbering Praise Bob Slack
Slack OK OK. An EMBARRASSMENT.
Oh, they got plenty of CHURCH, but they FORGOT "BOB"! Well, somebody
SOMEBODY has to make the Church RICH.
Because to destroy, totally and utterly, THE CONCEPT OF MONEY... it's
gonna TAKE money. A LOT of money.
See, "Bob" ain't no communist... he doesn't want everybody equally POOR.
He wants everybody EQUALLY RICH -- but WITHOUT WORKING!!!
And that's where the Conspiracy FUCKS you. They've had their multiple
tentacle dicks planted in your brain so long that they've got you thinking
it's NATURAL to WORK for SLACK. Now does that make sense?
"Bob" says to gain Slack you should surf the Luck Plane, and take PATH OF
LEAST RESISTANCE. You must PULL THE WOOL over your OWN eyes, and relax in
the safety of your OWN delusions. The very fact that you are here tonight
indicates that you are well down the path to enlightenment.
BOB isn't super-smart. He's SUB genius. He's for all intents and
purposes UTTERLY MINDLESS actually. But he has Slack. He has a power the
Pope would die for, the Power to FAIL! He's SUPER-fallible. He makes a
million dollars every time he SCREWS UP! As "Bob" said, "I'd RATHER BE
LUCKY THAN GOOD ANY DAY."
What good do BRAINS do you today, children? "Bob" sayeth, "IF YOU ACT
LIKE A DUMB SHIT, THEY'LL TREAT YOU AS AN EQUAL."
It's not the INTELLIGENCE, it's SENSE that counts -- common sense, sense
of humor, and DOLLARS AND CENTS. ((14 min -- CON footage)) Some say "Bob"
is a JOKE. But if "Bob's" a JOKE, what do you call THE EVENING NEWS??
What do you call PLAIN REALITY??
We're already living in a bad sci fi world. They've ALREADY rounded us up
like cattle, herded us into forced slave labor camps, and replaced our
names with urine test result numbers - ONLY MOST OF US DIDN'T NOTICE,
because at the end of the day they still let us clock out, go home to our
cell blocks, and punch in again for a few minutes of 'quality time' with
the spouse and kiddies, or the drugs and TV, or all four. Elvis is
dead... Jimi, Janis, Jim, John and G.G.... And Kurt... Oh, they made it
to the K's. ... the Marlboro Man has cancer... Rock and roll is a beer
commercial, punk is a hairstyle. All the starving people in the world
want back what they think you took, but you're supposed to work like a dog
just to keep what you probably only think you have. You can't even die
You look around and wonder, "Is everyone really this shallow, stupid,
ignorant and naive, or is it me? Have I become so twisted and warped that
I alone feel this hatred?" ...and you realize, "YES! It is me, and yes,
I am a mutant, and yes, the Pinks are all doomed and MOST OF ALL, I AM NOT
Not even humans could fuck the world up this bad, by accident. It had to
have been a CONSPIRACY. Is it the people who assassinated JFK? Or the
Satanists? Is it the Crashed UFOs conspiracy, or the flouride in the
The real Conspiracy, isn't one of those clever ones. It doesn't even know
it's a conspiracy. It's confederacy of dunces.
It is MUCH BIGGER than gods and demons, Republicans and Democrats, or Mom
OH, you say, I DON'T WORK FOR THE CON... but they've GOT YOU BY THE
OH, NO CON HERE! I can FORGET the CONSPIRACY HERE... BUT THEY WON'T
You'll marry some bland dependable entity and bear a brood of snot-faced
drug-snorting BRATS who can't believe what a doddering DULLARD you are and
can't wait to LEAVE or KILL you as you sit there, exhausted and trembling,
sweating blood and staring at some mediocre TV show, pondering your
brain-wrenching degree of DEBT, desperately trying to drink yourself into
a stupor, wondering, "What the hell HAPPENED?" ((18 min. -- "BOB"
CRAZINESS footage)) Well, BY ALL MEANS, GO AHEAD, pal. It's YOUR soul.
WE'RE getting pretty god damned sick of the shit, ourselves.
Christians drink the symbolic blood of their quitter-god at the altar, OUR
Warrior-Priests demand the REAL thing! And guess whose blood it is THIS
The Conspiracy has hogged fascism for too long. We're taking it BACK -
for the PEOPLE, where it belongs! FASCISM FOR THE PEOPLE! FASCISM FOR
THE INDIVIDUAL! PATRIOPSYCHOTIC ANARCHOMATERIALISM!!
SNAP OUT OF IT and realize that there REALLY ARE billions of TORMENTED
SOULS BURNING IN HELL, AND YOU'RE ONE OF 'EM!! ((19 min. -- HATE
footage)) (Of course this is the TOP FLOOR... WHEN DEMONS try to TELL
YOU, YOU THINK IT'S SATIRE) WAKE UP AND SMELL THE SODIUM PENTATHOL!!
EARTH IS HELL WITHOUT BOB
There's but ONE THING that prevents us from EVER SURRENDERING, our ONE
SURE WEAPON: our HATE. OUR CREHATIVITY Our hate is like a self-fueling
cold fusion reactor... the Conspiracy itself is the "plutonium" which
fuels our HATE DYNAMOS.
We're not talking about your run of the mill, panty-waisted, limp-wristed
little "hate" - "Oh, I just hate taxes!" "Oh, I just hate the President!"
"I just hate my hairdo today!" "I hate my job!" - or, worst of all, "I
hate MYSELF!" That's a diddly-fiddly, namby-pamby kind of hate.
Our hate is not wasted on individuals, or nations; such vessels are far
too small to hold our hatred. They would BURST.
Ours is an all-consuming, all-encompassing, all-pervading hate! A
RADIOACTIVE hate! A BURNING, SCOURING, ANNIHILATING HATE!!
You BECOME the hate...
Some think, "I just can't HATE PINKS... it's not their FAULT. "
What do you think you're going to do? UNDERSTAND your enemies to death?
No - you must hate them to death! DON'T LOSE YOUR WILL TO HATE! Hate is
your Die-Hard battery, but it must be kept charged!
((20 Min -- Jesus, then SEX footage)) As for you LOVING CHRISTIANS WHO
WANT TO KILL US: We're not so far apart! You worship a dead guy on a
stick, we worship a chopped-off head that gets hit with a stick.
((Bring out BLEEDING HEAD OF ARNOLD PALMER))
Jesus is just alright with me... but not the Vindictive Crybaby Busybody
Schoolmarm Prig Jesus - the Fightin' Jesus!
"THE SLOPPY SECOND COMING" --THE JESUS THAT DIDN'T GET NAILED
HE WILL TEACH YOU Pornological ACUBEATING, TIME CONTROL and MEMORY EDITING
LEARN TO MASTURBATE - without going blind! PERFORM ASTRAL SEX WITH ANYONE
YOU MEET! "It's not pornography, ma'am, it's EMPOWERMENT!" LIVE WITH
UNBUCKLING THE BIBLE BELT... DROPPING THEIR PANTS... PRIVATE DESIRES!
FULLY EXTENDED NUCLEAR FAMILY Mass Marriage and copulation so you can go
out and FUCK after the show without worrying about God, Mom or AIDS.
TOO MUCH IS ALWAYS BETTER THAN NOT ENOUGH! Don't just EAT that Hamburger,
eat the HELL out of it!
But you better do it quick because ALIENS WILL PUT US TO SLEEP LIKE COSMIC
((22 min. -- EOTW Footage))
THE END OF THE WORLD might not be aliens, heck, it could be boring -- like
war, or nuclear accidents, or the greenhouse effect, or a comet, or ozone
layer depletion, or drought, or epidemics, or typhoons and floods and
tornadoes, or the New Ice Age, or the melting of the glaciers, or dust
storms, or earthquakes, or falling radioactive space junk, or Third World
barbarian terrorists with H-bombs in their luggage, or famine, or the
mutant viruses, or insect invasion, or the contamination of the food
chain, or the plutonium canisters rotting in the deep... or a hundred
video channels clogged with the psychic silt of the Hollywood mind death
WHEN THAT HOT FLASH HITS... you'll say, IS THIS WHAT THEY MEAN BY THE
CONSPIRACY? SHIT will RAIN from SKY!! YOU THINK JESUS HAD IT BAD??
THEY'LL MAKE YOU NAIL YOURSELF UP... WALLET
THEIR PAYCHECKS SHALL CRUMBLE... CONDOS SHALL FALL, rock albums will melt
But "Bob" has a BETTER End of the World in mind - for US. We like to call
it, "The Practical Joke that WE Don't Stick Around For." ((24 min. --
July 5th, 1998, at 7:00 am, the Chosen Ones, the High Unpredictables of
the SubGenius Church under The Last "Bob", would be rewarded in that great
RUPTURE - X-DAY, Ragnarok, the Eschaton, Judgment Day, the Last Call.
"UNKNOWN SIGNS WILL APPEAR IN THE HEAVENS"
((OVERMAN appears, strides around )
The "Men" from Planet X will come, and we faithful shall be LIFTED UP in
Power an Glory to the Escape Vessels of the Sex Goddesses, fleeing (but
enjoying on TV) the cataclysms on earth while being TRANSFIGURED into
OverMen and UberWomen, SUPERIOR MUTANTS who will lead a NEW RACE - the
MASTER RACE, because it comes in ALL COLORS - to the Promised Land of
Dimension X, the Pleasure Dimension of ETERNAL SLACK and CYTORSPASMIC
We will have bestowed upon us the PRIVILEGE of carrying out "Bob's" wrath
on a sick and sinning world. "Bob" hath said, "Do unto them as they have
done unto you."
The lucky ones will die QUICKLY; but the moron majority WON'T DIE at ALL!
Their flesh will consume away while they stand upon their feet, their eyes
shall consume away behind their $100 sunglasses, and their swimming pools
shall be filled with blood (2 Dobbs 3:10)
Thousands of Slackless Pinks shall surge through this ghastly carnage
heap, smashing into each other in raging, mindless panic, grunting,
shrieking and clubbing at each other, the Great Pyramid will crack in
They'll suddenly be compelled to fornicate the way SubGenii always have -
and, feel excruciating guilt!
Oh, yeah, they told you all about Babylon, Mother of Whores... but they
didn't tell you how good lookin' she was, DID they?? No, they SKIPPED
OVER that part!
Yes, our sadistic VENGEANCE shall be like a sweet to be savored, a treat
to gloat over, as we voyage to our promised land beyond the stars.
Sounds good, huh? And believe it or not, it isn't even very expensive.
((26 min. -- "BOB", X-Day, Sex footage))
There really is a Heaven and you can buy your way in. YOU MUST BE SAVED -
EVEN IF IT KILLS YOU! JOIN THE CHURCH - AND MEET YOUR CLANDESTINY
"Building a New Heaven and a New Earth - On the Rubble of the Old"
WHAT IF U.S. BECAME THE KIND OF PLACE WHERE... WOULDN'T IT HAVE TO SEEM
LIKE JOKE? LOOK WHAT THEY DID TO OUR PREDECESSORS!
TURN IT AROUND! GIVE CON A BLACK EYE! IF U.S. CANNOT SEE TRUTH, LET IT
WE AREN'T SO FORGIVING AS OUR CHRISTIAN BRETHREN BOB SAVES THOSE WHO SAVE
TRIBULATIONS, SAUCERS, RUPTURE... But PROFITING FROM IT ALL, WADING IN
BLOOD OF BAPTISM OF FISTFACE OF BOB BURNING THROUGH THOSE TITANIUM STEEL
FORT KNOX DOORS with the CLEANSING FIRE of his MIGHTY PIPE!!
((Whip out FLAMING SWORD)) ((27 min))
The Con has 50,000 NUKES -- yet we DARE TO FIGHT 'EM ANYWAY... Because
it's ONLY THE CRAZY PEOPLE that are DUMB enough to stand up and FIGHT CITY
WE MAY BE BROKE... BUT WE CAN HATE 'EM! WE GOT BOB AND THEY AIN'T!
BOB IS COMING BURN AWAY THE HATE, THE RADIATION, THE FIRE KEEP HATE
BURNING! REPENT! QUIT JOB! SLACK OFF!!- while you still know how!!
TIME IS RUNNING OUT!
((Whip out REVELATION X))
Today, the cover of this book is printed in red ink. Tomorrow, it will be
printed in blood.
JOKE? The Church of the SUbGenius COULD be the GREATEST JOKE EVER TOLD...
IF EARTH CAN MAKE IT TO PUNCHLINE!
USE their hate and fear, turn it around, use it to PUMP YOURSELF UP with
MUTANT SELF-CONFIDENCE, and then FLAUNT YOUR ABNORMALITY in their
pathetic, slack-jawed, uncomprehending faces. You can WAG YOUR WEIRDNESS
right there in public.
I am a holy man and by the authority invested in me by J.R. "BOB" DObbs,
YOU MAY NOW, AS OF THIS MOMENT, DO ANYTHING THE FUCK YOU WANT!!
(I don't practice what I preach...) ((30 min)) But until such time that
the humans are reduced to the masturbating, shit-gobbling apes they refuse
to admit they are, we the SubGenii have pledged to FIGHT!
We will fight together on the beaches! We will fight on the land, we will
fight them in the air, and we will not stop fighting until every record
company executive, every MacDonald's manager, every rude clerk and every
DUMB REDNECK COP and POLITICIAN is left staring into their own RIGHT
eyeball until we yank their LEFT eyeball out too.
WILL YOU BE READY? Will you be ready to kill your neighbor, kill me, and
then KILL "BOB"? TO FREE YOURSELVES FROM HIS UNHOLY GRIP ON YOUR MIND??
"BOB" WON'T not tell you what to do. YOU decide what to do. He will only
tell you what to THINK. And you will PAY to know what you really think.
YOU CAN LEARN TO THINK FOR YOURSELF - BUT ONLY "BOB" CAN SHOW YOU HOW
"BOB" SOLD IT, I SMOKED IT, THAT SETTLES IT.
YOU MAY NOW PROCEED
The Normals happily supply the obedience themselves. It'shuman nature:
the Hanna-Barbera cartoons, "infotainment" shows Rush Limbaugh
bumperstickers Caucasian Christians for Commerce the Turn In Your Parents
program, "Barney," Fashion Fascists, Professional Victims, Food Fascists,
Steven Spielberg ...
BUT... Urine Test Required. Pee here. This is what is meant in
Prescripture by The Time of PeE - it is the time foretold, when people
would be judged not by works, nor by family, nor even by looks, but by
It is written in First Irrigations, Book of Urinomics 4:12: "And the
Beast said: "By their pee ye shall judge them, and by thy pee ye shall be
judged. And all will be divided by their pee. And in the snow shall
their names be written."
It's FUCKED. All presidents are only bar-coded Tarot-card chessmen in the
Conspiracy's ceremonial Monopoly Gameboard Earth. Elections don't need to
be fixed; they're FIXES for the hopeless who want to deceive themselves
into a sense of "empowerment" by standing in line for hours to put a
little checkmark on a dead piece of Amazonian rain forest. The American
Dream is just a faded dull nightmare. Yes, you are free - free to be a
consumption-gratified meat sack.
But you watered-down so-called "liberals," with your tie-dyes, Hard Rock
Cafe T-shirts and bitchin' hairdos, you who think you're on our side, are
even worse. You KNEW from the beginning what was happening, and yet you
bent over HAPPILY, offering up your aerobicised buns to the Alternative
Conspiracy, saying, "HERE! TAKE ALL YOU WANT! WIDEN IT TO YOUR HEART'S
CONTENT!" FACE IT: all this New Age clap-trap means is, now when you
fuck over the next guy, you've got to have a smile on your face while you
do it. At least the conservative has the good sense to WANT to kill us,
their only true enemies! Who we really hate are the IDIOTS who refuse to
recognize that they should be trying to completely and utterly destroy us,
before we destroy them.
THIS IS REAL EVERYTHING YOU KNOW IS TRUE "BOB" IS THE PROOF
BE NOT AFRAID YOU HAVE NO CHOICE. "BOB" IS COMING IT IS USELESS TO
WEIRD? BAD? Not exactly a 'team player'? Had enough "Have a Nice Day"?
Tired of all that touchy-feely Cosmic Sweetness-and-Light CRAP? Get
nearly irresistible urges to pound spikes into the eyes of namby-pamby
gibbering religious nuts? Hate everybody? Always known there was
something going on that THEY won't tell you about? Do you find yourself
questioning if existence is relevant? If God believes in you? If it's
normal to be normal? If reality should be what it is? Do impure thoughts
literally assail your being?? Ever wanted to have CRAZED SEX with
BEAUTIFUL ALIEN BEINGS?
We don't seriously expect ANYONE to understand Dobbs, and WHOEVER CLAIMS
TO IS LYING! Once a guy accused us of being DEVIL-WORSHIPPERS just
because we said we think that Christianity, as it exists today, is the ONE
WORLD ANTI-CHRIST SYSTEM PREDICTED IN THE BIBLE!! No, we're not supposed
to even know that THE ADVERSARY is not some grimy weirdo cranking out
crackpot rants in a filthy attic, or a Cult Leader wearing Mystic Symbols
on an afternoon TV talk show. We're not supposed to know that the
MANIACAL HATCHET-FIEND is that quiet, harmless person who brings us such
lovely vegetables from their MIRACULOUSLY WELL-FERTILIZED GARDEN!!! THAT
SATAN INCARNATE ISN'T A HIDEOUS ABOMINATION FROM HELL, BUT A
CLEAN-SCRUBBED, PINK-FACED, NECKTIE-WEARING GOODNATURED TRUSTWORTHY SOUL
WHO IS POCKETING HUGE AMOUNTS OF CASH FOR POISONING AND MURDERING
MILLIONS, saying, "WE HAVE NO SCIENTIFIC EVIDENCE THAT THE TENFOLD
ESCALATION OF HORRIBLE DEATH IN THE DIRECT VICINITY OF OUR PLANT HAS
ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE BLACK SLUDGE LEAKING OUT OF OUR WASTE DUMP ONTO
THE PLAYGROUND OF THE ELEMENTARY SCHOOL!!!" No, we're not supposed to
know that, BUT WE DO KNOW IT, and once you know something YOU CAN'T UNKNOW
IT NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO. YOU CAN ONLY SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE
WISHING YOU COULD FORGET!!! - Nenslo
WAKE UP IN FALSE SEX, FALSE MONEY, ... WHERE'S BOB?..
You mean... THERE WAS a CONSPIRACY? I COULDA had SLACK? And BLEW IT?
THERE IS A BOB? HOLOCAUST FLASHLIGHT BATTERIES IF ONLY I'D READ THAT BOOK
CLOSER... SOUL LAID BARE... to REAL Fist... NAKED TO WOTAN... BELIEF
ALL YOU HAD LEFT!!
Dobbs is here to POUND THE PULPIT UNTIL IT IS REDUCED TO SPLINTERS if
that's what it takes to make you understand just what's at STAKE here, to
make you feel just an IOTA of that Slack that he has been given to feel by
the grace of the FRICTION INTERFACE of HOT COSMIC OOZQUIRT between him and
Connie, to make you feel one billionth of the FIERY PASSION that SHOULD be
coming with EVERY BREATH, once you really start TAKING FOR YOURSELF THAT
SLACK WHICH IS RIGHTFULLY YOURS, which is your INHERITANCE, which is your
DESTINY, under Dobbs!
You must learn to BASK in the GLORIOUS ALL-SUFFUSING LIGHT of the LOVE of
J.R. "Bob" Dobbs, and your blood must learn to BOIL with equally
passionate HATRED for the HIDEOUSLY BLAND NONENTITIES, shadow people, and
PINK BOYS, the BLANK FOOD TUBES that live around us and are trying to make
us like them!
DAMN The Others!! For they FEAR the Slack; they haven't glimpsed the
sheer LUST FOR SLACK that draws us forward, that keeps us off our butts
and on our mental foot-glands, that drives us, punching our way through
their mundane and tedious CRAP, hacking away at that jungle of
mealy-mouthed boredom and half-assed minor comforts, as if with a MACHETE
of SEXHURT, oh hell yeah, our arms might get tired, but by the sweet name
of "Bob" we shall KEEP A-HACKIN' and A-WHACKIN', keep dragging ourselves
ahead across that field of broken glass until we GET OUR GREEDY HANDS on
that COSMIC HAMBURGER of FULFILLED DESIRES, till our DREAMS COME TRUE,
dear friend, till our DREAMS COME TRUE.
Attention Pinks! - Insensate Meat Puppets! If you can step away from
your numbness long enough to really look around you... does what you see
excite you? Does it give you Slack? Does it do anything for you but
prolong the numbness? "Oh, it's okay," you say. "Everything is okay. In
fact, I don't like things that are more than okay, because then that makes
me think that there might be things that were less than okay. As long as
everything's okay, that's good enough! You can't have your cake and eat
it too. Don't make waves. Okay? We're free enough - we can indulge in
the properly ritualized 'bad' behavior, like going to the lake, watching
the game, getting real drunk and beating our dogs, but that's understood -
we all do that. Now, going to the lake and launching golfer heads, while
chanting and levitating, naked, 'Fropped to the gills, and performing
acubeating rituals with each other's dogs... NO WAY!! And it's okay to
sublimate our sexual drives into things like despoiling the landscape at
the expense of health and self-awareness just for money, because the only
thing that gives our tired, twisted old nervous systems a thrill is the
thought that we can buy MORE THINGS." Your body keeps clocking in,
functioning on 10% of your life essence, while the Con gets the rest. YOU
MORON... they've got you thinking it's perfectly natural to "work" for a
"living!!" What you WANT to do is real work - nothing wrong with that -
but what you have to do is slavery. No matter what they're paying, you're
selling TOO CHEAP. In the Middle Ages, they called it The Obscene Kiss;
kissing Satan's bum was the way a sorceror was initiated. Today, we have
corporate-style butt-kissing... bestowing that submissive kiss upon the
posterior of the Chief Executive Devil. The "work" ethic is SATANIC!!
Mark "Bob's" words - it will be our doom! Our little aquarium Earth is
turning into a toxic toilet soul farm, controlled by aliens and their
stooges - and day after day slips by, time that you could have invested in
saving the Universe with "Bob," but instead sold cheap to the Conspiracy -
like a SUCKER! Years out of YOUR LIFE, with nothing to show for them but
lots of paid household bills. YOU'LL NEVER GET ANY OF THOSE PRECIOUS
YEARS BACK... you'll just get older and older, and develop more and more
chronic aches, pains and regrets, and when you die, the Con at large will
just say, "Well, there's plenty more where that one came from." It may be
too late to stop being optimistic - but it's never too late to start being
bitterly pessimistic. Remember, things could be much, much worse. That's
the consolation. You could SUDDENLY, ONE MINUTE FROM NOW, be screaming,
in unimaginable pain, half burned to death and trapped inside the
white-hot twisted metal and broken glass and charred wood of wherever you
are when IT happens... ...or you could be lying on parched ground with
bones so brittle from malnutrition, and a brain so ruined by disease, that
ALL LIFE for you has become that one dry, vermin-ridden grain of rice at
the end of your tongue... ...or you could be rich but afflicted with
something caused by your own lifestyle that bites deeper and deeper into
you, but ever so slowly, so that you never stop thinking of killing
yourself... ("THEN they'd be sorry!") ...or you could be so wrapped up
in your job that you haven't noticed that you've gone crazy, that you've
only been hypnotized into thinking that "everything's okay," but actually
there is starvation and misery all around that will catch up with you
sooner or later... But that hasn't happened yet, so in the meantime, WHO
CARES?? - as long as the power plants still run, and we can still
televise ritual yearly Earth Days, when the liberals congratulate
themselves for being liberals, and the conservatives congratulate
themselves for fooling the liberals, and the ones in-between are ground
into dog food.