Parable of the Portable Probability

as revealed to DynaSoar the Tibetian

 

1. AND it happened upon one of the days of the Wandering, when "Bob"

walked among them who he was helping to cultivate, that they came

upon a pile of dung left by a horse in the road.

 

2. "Bob" stopped, and the twelve or thirteen stopped with him, and

he smiled as he considered what he beheld.

 

3. The followers wondered, though not overly, for they were well

aware of his wisdom which came to him from the Beforelife, unbidden

and suddenly, from the very mundane around him, what he might say

of this thing, and if even he could follow such a sentence.

 

4. The smoke from his Pipe ascended unto heaven, where upon the

Angels rejoiced and played chicken, until JHVH-1 got pissed and

bade them with lightening and thunder from his terrible countenance

to knock that shit off, and "Bob" spoke to the faithful sorrounding

him saying:

 

5. "Hooo-kay, guys, I can see you're a discerning bunch, a truly

enlightened bunch, and you understand VALUE when you see it."

 

6. "Now, I may be just your common everyday Joe Sixpack hardware

hawker, and don't really think about these things too DEEPLY you

understand, so I'm asking you all to help me out a bit here."

 

7. And he paused to puff as though to consider his words before

presenting them to his companions, and then spake thusly, "So,

WHAT IS THIS?"

 

8. Where upon Stang, in his very well developed experience turned

on the sacred magnetic tape scribes, and sat in the dirt of the road,

and put on his headphones, and got out his pad and pencil with which

to record the wisdom to develop from the words of "Bob" and the

replies of the followers though which "Bob" would build to the

inevitable punchline.

 

9. And the Doktors tuned down each others instruments, so as to

better create the anti-music score for the punchline, and in so

doing offer unto Stang and the holy machines that which provides

the holy tapes with their back-and-foreground.

 

10. And St. Janor spoke, saying "aw SHIT man, it's a THANG, a nothin'

like you ever saw THANG, a little bitty bite you on the ass and leave

little teeth marks THANG, but pretty soon you die from the venom,

dontcha know, and then "Bob" dies with you, and the Doktors die with

you, and all them little children what ain't got nuthin' to EAT, 'cept

a couple pounds of fresh RAW MEAT they carved off'n their pink

baby sitters that they tied up and hid in the dryer, and when the

cops came they said "NO, officer, we ain't seen nothin' like no

dead chick" and they laughed, and I mean, they just ROLLED, and this

THANG, now no way, it's gonna trip me up, 'cause I got me a PIPE full

yessiree "Bob" a reall rootin' tootin' SNOOTful".... and he continued

as he walked off out of mike range, still ranting.

 

11. And then Master NENSLO spoke saying "BOBDAMMIT this AIN'T what I

had in mind. And I AIN'T gonna put up with this! ALL this damn stuff just

RIPS my guts and spleen, and I'll SHOVE them down your THROAT if you

can't damn well FIGURE IT OUT FOR YOURSELF!"

 

12. Where upon Master NENSLO kicked the pile of dung, and it flew

across the road in a great line of road apples, and he fell upon his back

with the effort and screamed "THINK DAMMIT - THINK FOR YOURSELF!" and

foamed at the mouth and rolled around.

 

13. And the silent one, the one whose name is not spoken among the

followers, the empty overalls and straw hat, wearing a beard upon

his non-face spoke, saying unto them " ".

 

14. And he of the sunglasses and grey suit, the one called Meyer,

spake thusly, "It's the shit they TAKE WAY from you children, the

shit the CONSPIRACY takes from you, it's what they STEAL; can I

get a STEAL children? Can I hear a STEAL?", and all of New York

replied in kind "A STEAL!"

 

15. And at this time St. Janor happened to wander close by, saying

"... with all what I TOLD you, and what he TOLD me, that's like to

say what I GOTTA do, cause "Bob" told me, so WRAP that knife in

a towel so's they can't see it and ..." and wandered out of mike

range again.

 

16. And Palmer of Vreedeez, the one who SEES and SHOWS, sat beside

Stang in the dirt of the road, and in the dirt drew many small figures

of pipes and daemons and saucers and symbols and brains and icons

both holy and unholy.

 

17. And Stang placed the pad and pencil in the hands of Palmer, so

that he might capture for posterity the visual ranting, for Stang

Knoweth a Good Thing when he seeith that which he can sell.

 

18. And then he of the Overman Construction, the Doktor called

Philo looked upon this, and smiled, for he was thinking several

things which could not be thought with a merely earthly mind,

and because his glandscaping had affixed that smile for ever upon

his lips anyway.

 

19. Then it came to Pope Sterno, who looked upon it and spake,

"It's a symptom of a universe gone mad, but not mad as insane, but

made as in PISSED OFF, of course it IS insane, but more so it's tired

of the boredom it's made to endure at the hands of the Pinks and

norworms who beam the electromagnetic crap which they THINK is

entertainment into the void," and being the first among them to

finish a rational sentence, blinked twice as he tried to discern

whether it was he or they who made sense.

 

20. And from there the turn came to Gordon, whom they called

Gordon, whom they called G., and he with the accent of the

highlander said unto them all in the manner of the well spoken,

"Is it not thus that we should consider the droppings upon the

ground, as we also consider the droppings of the conspiracy

upon our lives? And shall we not know ourselves as we know

our right hand from our glands, that there, upon the ground,

lies the answer to our prayers? For in these times...."

 

21. And then it was at this time that the Band of Doktors suddenly

erupted into anti-music, drowning out the the words of G^3, and

all else, save the magicakly amplified voice of St. Janor who

electroranted "OH YEAH I can feel the HEAT, in the MEAT, and you

can BEAT it or KILL ME, I'm a HOT DAMN PEE DAWG as kicker of a pot

licker what's gonna POUNCE and EAT my FILL", and all the while

Stang fiddled and fussed with the record levels, and the others

of the 12 or 13 argued amongst themselves, or tried to, for they

could not hear over the anti-music, yea, not even their own words

or thoughts, nor could they follow another one of these damn

convoluted sentences by which their actions are recorded, in

logical knots so fully self-recursive that only in the reading

but not understanding can we see the effect of the anti-music,

which continued on for some time, and Janor continued all the while,

until they suddenly were finished and stopped.

 

22. Except Janor, but then they were used to that.

 

23. And in the sudden silence, Stang bespoke that which he in his

wisdom had long considered, having been the first among them to

follow directly in the path of Dobbs by achieving Sales Volume,

and he said, "It's MANURE that we can SELL to the Bland Pink

assouls so they can DUMP it on their damn trellises that surround

their Pink ranch styles like the BARS of a Suburban CAGE!"

 

24. Upon these words "Bob" smiled, and puffed his pipe, and

considered all he had heard and seen, and all that he knew

which was neither heard nor seen, but whiffed, and spake unto

his faithful saying,

 

25. "Well, guys, to me it looks like a BUNCH OF SHIT!"

 

--

dynasor@infi.net The Doctor is on.