REPOST: Attempt to Stuff Gerbil Into Rat! Part the First

 

originally posted to alt.tasteless 2/13/98 by Rat & Swan

 

It's been a while since I've posted. Not for lack of tastelessness but

for lack of time. Rat and I have a manuscript due in a month and a half

and it's about 75% done... But Tasteless Duty calls.

 

It seems that Rat, aka my Beloved Wife, Karen, my SR, the better half

yada yada, has been corresponding with some anti animal rights folk who

have been trying to convince her that gerbil stuffing is a reality.

 

Yes, yes, I *know* about the Urban Legends site. she guided them there

and they insisted that people HAD stuffed rodents up rectums (recta?)

and one twa H^H^H twit even claimed to have been an eyewitness. We soon

unraveled THAT ball of tinfoil!

 

However, Rat's mouth wrote a check she asked ME to help her body CASH!

She told them that she would try to stuff a gerbil up her ass in the

manner they had stated it had been done to see if it could be

accomplished. that's where *I* come in.

 

"Sweetie..." quoth my Beloved as I was unwinding after a hard day,

"would you like to stuff a gerbil up my ass?"

 

Now don't get me wrong, we have had our bouts of screaming-dingo, crazed

weasel, femur shattering sex... but we never (well hardly ever) nvolved

other lifeforms nonimaginary. "Woohoo, YEAH... Let's DO it!" I said,

hesitantly.

 

Well, first off, I might have known rat would throw a monkeywrench

(gerbilwrench) into the gears... she didn't want to use a REAL gerbil!

because a. they're illegal to possess in California (No, REALLY!) and 2.

whe just wanted to see if it was possible, she didn't want to traumatise

an innocent animal (she could have mentioned that when I proposed!).

 

We were to use a Gerbil Substitute. A rubber squeaky toy that was the

size, weight and furriness of a real gerbil. And a toilet paper tube.

 

So begins the Great Gerbil Experiment.

 

I got plastic sheeting, towels, my rubber gloves (the Rat has had

idarrhea for some years now, I aint goin in there without rubbers!) a

large bottle of lube (Astroglide! Breakfast of CHAMPIONS!), a common

toilet paper tube (with Rat's colonblow, we go through bumfodder like...

well, like food goes through Rat!), a squeaky mouse (our StuntGerbil!),

some mood music and a little champagne. Just for the mood, y'know.

 

Arranging the materials tastefully on our lovely wrought brass bed (so

handy for the restraints, don't you think?) we prepared to begin.

 

I had rat cunningly arranged, in a graceful lithotomy position, when the

door opens and my 91 year old grandmother meanders in. "What are you

doing?" she asked.

 

 

There we were. Rat with her quim pointing at the door, I with rubber

gloves and a cardboard tube in my hand and my grandmother eying us with

surprise.

 

"what are you doing?"

 

I smiled, Rat cringed (we won't mention that this not the first time the

old bat H^H^H dear woman has walked in on us. she never knocks!

 

"Nothing, Mama, she's taking a nap and I'm cleaning up."

 

Owl wandered off. she has long ago given up trying to understand our

sexlife. I reclosed the door and turned about only to find Dawg eagerly

licking at the bottle of astroglide. she loves the taste of the stuff

and we have to keep it out of her reach or it'll give her diarrhea. One

bitch with the runs in the family is enough.

 

Anyway, I rescued the lube, shoved Dawg out the door, secured the

perimeter and turned to find Rat giggling. When Dawg left, she had the

StuntGerbil in her mouth. Golden Retrievers RETRIEVE... it's their

'thing'. Open door, Chase Dawg, Grab StuntGerbil (now wet and a bit the

worse for wear), Return, Close door, LOCK door (NOW I find that the

Swanage Livermore has no locks on the bedrooms! SHIT! Proceed.

 

Rat called a temporary halt to go and shit again. she had eaten lightly,

hoping to clear her nether regions. I was dubious. finally, she

returned, I began by doing a bit of preliminary asswork. Rat had been

gently stretching her starfish with finger inserted, to get it ready for

the Main Event. With copiously lubricated rubbergloved fingers I began

to play with that enchanting (and deadly at times) little starfish. We

worked at it and encouraged it. I murmured sweet nothings, "Relax, Baby,

Daddy gonna run a Volkswagen up that swtte LoveTunnel, Baby, Yeah!" to

get her into 'the mood'.

 

Finally, I got enough fingers in her to figure that mayyyyybe the tube

could be tried. I grabbed the toilet paper tube and began oiling it

up. I knew there was no way the thing was going to fit in as it was.

too wide, too blunt. The human ringpiece is a marvelous engine. it has

the strength to remain clamped with several gallons of liquishit

straining to Breathe free. it ISN'T gonna take lightly to a cardboard

Engine of Entry poking in there.

 

I coated the Cardobard Avengfer with lube and carefully folded the tip

into a taper. I discovered that we didn't have enough light to

actually SEE what we were doing, so I rearranged Rat into a side lying

position, leg up, ass cheeks akimbo. Carefully, I slid the tube as far

in as it would slide. About a half inch. Damn!

 

With Dawg scratching at the door (she wanted the StuntGerbil) I proceded

to the Main Event.

With delicate fingers I began to try to tease the cardboard tube

inserted into my love's quivering ringmeat open. I had folded it

carefully into a taper to insert it, being the only way it would be able

to slide in.

 

No such luck! By now, the lubricant, Astroglide, had soaked into the

cardboard. It had the consistency of ... well, of wet cardboard. It

wouldn't unfold. I couldn't apply force to it or my fingers would

rupture the tube. Damn. I then realised that the problem was my

fingers! While not large, my hands are fairly blunt. surgeon's hands,

they say. with my sexual fantasies, I consider that a compliment.

 

Well, what did we have that was pointed but blunt...? Ah! Of course, the

Hero of the Hour... the StuntGerbil!

 

I picked up the squeaky toy, squeezing it for effect.

SQUEEEEEKAAAASQUEEEEKAAAA! Yeah. Perfect. I grinned, imagining that

sound emanating from Rat's ass. Excellent! From the tip of its little

fuzzy tail to its teeny plastic button nose, the toy was nicely

tapered... as if the manufacturer had said "Now what shape would be best

to fit into an asshole...?"

 

I picked up the Astroglide and began to Lube the Gerbil. I grinned as I

did so, having invented yet ANOTHER circumsocution for masturbation.

Research often yields side benefits we don't see until later... The

Stuntgerbil was well and druly slick and slippery. Carefully I

approached the quivering cardboard toilet paper tube. It was quivering

because Rat was laughing again.

 

"Stop that!" I said sternly, in my best Medical Advice voice. "You'll

set up peristalsis and kill us both!" People with chronic diarrhea

learn to laugh, cough, sneese CAREFULLY...

 

Now people who know me know that I am... to say the least...

nearsighted. VERY nearsighted. Fuckit... I'm blind as a goddam BAT!

Imagine , if you will, a bespectacled but earnest experimenter, holding

a greased rubber and fur gerbil, aiming at a small cardboard tube

protruding from the hindquarters of a convulsively giggling target!

 

I nerved myself to the task. Suddenly there was a knock at the door.

"Dorie!" (I'kll kill her someday, if she continues to use my childhood

nickname... I WILL!) Owl said in her quavering voice, "The dog wants

into your room!"

 

I opened the door a half inch, blocking with my body, "We'll be out in a

few minutes," then, to make CERTAIN Owl got the message, "We're having

sex!"

 

"Oh!" she tottered off on her 91 year-old legs, fanning herself and

muttering about how in HER day people didn't HAVE sex.... and we got on

with it.

 

Carefully I slid the gerbil into the tube. Well, almost. I missed and

the little red plastic nose dove for Rat's cunt. "Not THERE!" she cried.

"You're MISSING it!"

 

"Where?" "HERE! Jeezus, Swan, you can't find my ass with both hands and

a map! HERE!"

 

I aimed and slid the gerbil into the tube. I pushed gently to try to

unfold the tube in her rectum. The soaked cardboard now had a gluey

consistency that defied our attempts. the slippery StuntGerbil was

sliding all around in my hands as I pushed and twisted, trying to get it

in. No Avail.

 

after several minutes of this, we concluded that a toilet paper tube was

not going to hold up to the challenge and a rubber and fur cat toy was

not going to stand in for a real gerbil. a real gerbil would've been

even HARDER to control with slick lubed fingers. I could have been badly

bitten!

 

I removed the disintegrated toilet paper tube, pulled off the rubber

gloves, folded up the towels and the plastic coverings, recapped the

lube bottle and picked up the Stuntgerbil by its wet tail. Rat dashed

to the bathroom for another bout of the HersheySquirts (tm) and I

studied the StuntGerbil. Wet, limp rumpled fur, thin tail, little

plastic eyes, blunt furry nose... Where was the little red button?!

 

"Rat!" I knocked on the bathroom door. Waves of warm Shitfog (tm)

encircled me as I peered in. "Where's the Stuntgerbil's nose?"

 

"Isn't it on the toy?" she asked. "No." I answered. "It was a while

ago..."

 

"Well, where did you have it last?" Rat ALWAYS asks this when I lose

something!

 

"Up your ass!" I said.

 

"But it didn't FIT, remember? The tube wouldn't open. Look in the

tube." she released another volley of liquishit and I put on fresh

gloves and reopened the tube, carefully trying to avoid tearing it. No

little red plastic button. I searched the wastebasket, the carpet, the

bed, the coverings, the towels... nothing.

 

"Dammit, Rat, we gotta find that NOSE!"

 

"Well, where did you SEE it last?" she was being sweetly reasonable. I

hate that.

 

"When I accidentally slid it into your snatch!"

 

"Well, it must have come off in there."

 

And THSAT, Officer, is why I have my wife tied to the bed and a speculum

up her quim searching for a rubber RAT'S NOSE!!

 

SWAN!

 

No, we STILL haven't found it!