Subject: The Atlantean Bible- A Preliminary Guide

Date: Mon, 19 Jan 1998 02:07:10 GMT

From: (Max Sendq)

Organization: Zippo News Service []

Newsgroups: alt.slack


Based on preliminary research, plus a sheaf of blood-soaked papers I

received in the mail the other week from unknown sources, I've been

putting together the canonical list of Ancient Subgenius Holy Books,

AKA the Atlantean Bible.


While the Christian Bible has two "testaments", the Atlantean Bible

appears to have three "mysteries", for that is the best translation of

the name the ancient Yeti gave to each of their three collections of

books. The order in which they were written is, as of yet, unknown,

but it is unlikely that the books are arranged in chronological order,

as in the Christian Bible. Rather, they seem to be arranged

thematically, and by these categories:


1. The Joyful Mysteries.

2. The Sorrowful Mysteries.

3. The Mysterious Mysteries.


Ex-Catholics might note that this bears more than a passing

resemblance to the Rosary, which contains Joyful, Sorrowful, and

Glorious mysteries. This likely due to the Rosicrucians, as covert

groups are wont to do, dipping into ancient Yeti traditions, and in

the process fucking it up. In the end the Rosicrucians were not

comfortable with what was revealed (or not revealed, as the case may

be) by the Mysterious Mysteries, so they substituted it with a load of

phony ritualistic exaltation of an icon- idolatry, in a sense. This

is not to say that idolatry does not have a place in the Subgenius

religion, but that in the Subgenius religion it is the starting point

rather than the ultimate goal.


The Joyful Mysteries, or the books of Slack, provided much of the

source for the original Book of the Subgenius, and are the most intact

books of all the three Mysteries. They are bounteous and resurface

(an interesting side note about the Scriptures is their ability to be

transmogrified. This is most prevalent in the first Mysteries, to us

at least, as the second set of Mysteries is generally under the

control of the Conspiracy, who has no imagination WHATSOEVER and whose

contents are most unadulteratedly found in cheap allegedly mass-market

paperbacks, and the third set has not much of a presence upon this

plane anyhow.) constantly upon the earth in the form of

trance-spoutings, profane sex acts, Usenet posts, mold, and television

commercials, so an accurate reckoning cannot be made of their

quantity, in contrast to the other two books, which are limited in

scope if not in import. One can spend all one's days in the fertile

fields of the Joyful Mysteries without venturing into the other two

Mysteries, which have a decidedly more eschatological bent (though

eschatology is not entirely absent from these Mysteries). In ordering

these, though, one does come across some fundamental scriptures, and

in these Mysteries and the other two the books are arranged in order

of their importance to the Yeti.


The first of the Joyful Mysteries goes by the distinctly prosaic name

of "Pamphlet #1". This is not of course the original name, but the

name it gained upon reaching wide circulation in the late 1970's.

This fragment was copied directly from ancient Atlantean scrolls under

the influence of J.R. "Bob" Dobbs' first trance in 1953, and

translated under the influence of a Gnosis Beam believed to have been

sent by JHVH, for at that time JHVH still believed that Dobbs was

aligned with "him". It was in fact that moment of sheer honesty that

planted the seeds of Dobbs' rebellion against JHVH. This pamphlet is

in fact the only piece of Subgenius literature one can trust

completely and honestly.


Other books in the Joyful Mysteries include the Economicon, which

details the benefits to be gained from Church membership and regular

contributions, Neuronicus, which details the punishments that shall be

enacted upon those who fail to give homage to the Church, Bleeding

Headcleesians, the first of the so-called "gnostic" books- this one

details the power of the Bleeding Head of Arnold Palmer, Arugula,

Transvestitian, and many many more.


The Sorrowful Mysteries, or the books of the Conspiracy, are much more

vast, indeed, nearly infinitely long. They number 13013, and every

form of horror known to human or Yeti is enacted in them. The first

of these, which is again the one most known to Yeti today, is the book

of Malaise. It is predicted in the book of Malaise itself that the

Church will suffer the torments set forth in each and every book

before the reign of "Bob" shall come to pass. From the book of

Malaise, one passes through the books of Dianetics, Clitorectomy,

Yacatisma, Inflation, and Devolutions. The final three books are the

most horrible of all, and only the name of the first of these books,

number 13011, is known- the book of Stang. It is hypothesized that

perhaps the 13012nd book is the Book of Dobbs, but then what can the

final book be...? The Sorrowful Mysteries were the primary source for

Revelation X: The "Bob"Apocryphon.


The Mysterious Mysteries, or the Books of "Bob", cannot be explained

to the UnRuptured, even by the ruptured, not for fear of corruption,

for that danger is present everywhere, but simply because they CANNOT

be explained. All that can be said here is that the first two books

of the Mysterious Mysteries are known as "Gnarly" and "Tubular", and

that one must die a million deaths in the pit to advance one's wisdom

beyond the second book. Furthermore, should one gain understanding of

the Mysterious Mysteries, one will find the world strangely altered.