Subject: The Atlantean Bible- A Preliminary Guide
Date: Mon, 19 Jan 1998 02:07:10 GMT
From: email@example.com (Max Sendq)
Organization: Zippo News Service [http://www.zippo.com]
Based on preliminary research, plus a sheaf of blood-soaked papers I
received in the mail the other week from unknown sources, I've been
putting together the canonical list of Ancient Subgenius Holy Books,
AKA the Atlantean Bible.
While the Christian Bible has two "testaments", the Atlantean Bible
appears to have three "mysteries", for that is the best translation of
the name the ancient Yeti gave to each of their three collections of
books. The order in which they were written is, as of yet, unknown,
but it is unlikely that the books are arranged in chronological order,
as in the Christian Bible. Rather, they seem to be arranged
thematically, and by these categories:
1. The Joyful Mysteries.
2. The Sorrowful Mysteries.
3. The Mysterious Mysteries.
Ex-Catholics might note that this bears more than a passing
resemblance to the Rosary, which contains Joyful, Sorrowful, and
Glorious mysteries. This likely due to the Rosicrucians, as covert
groups are wont to do, dipping into ancient Yeti traditions, and in
the process fucking it up. In the end the Rosicrucians were not
comfortable with what was revealed (or not revealed, as the case may
be) by the Mysterious Mysteries, so they substituted it with a load of
phony ritualistic exaltation of an icon- idolatry, in a sense. This
is not to say that idolatry does not have a place in the Subgenius
religion, but that in the Subgenius religion it is the starting point
rather than the ultimate goal.
The Joyful Mysteries, or the books of Slack, provided much of the
source for the original Book of the Subgenius, and are the most intact
books of all the three Mysteries. They are bounteous and resurface
(an interesting side note about the Scriptures is their ability to be
transmogrified. This is most prevalent in the first Mysteries, to us
at least, as the second set of Mysteries is generally under the
control of the Conspiracy, who has no imagination WHATSOEVER and whose
contents are most unadulteratedly found in cheap allegedly mass-market
paperbacks, and the third set has not much of a presence upon this
plane anyhow.) constantly upon the earth in the form of
trance-spoutings, profane sex acts, Usenet posts, mold, and television
commercials, so an accurate reckoning cannot be made of their
quantity, in contrast to the other two books, which are limited in
scope if not in import. One can spend all one's days in the fertile
fields of the Joyful Mysteries without venturing into the other two
Mysteries, which have a decidedly more eschatological bent (though
eschatology is not entirely absent from these Mysteries). In ordering
these, though, one does come across some fundamental scriptures, and
in these Mysteries and the other two the books are arranged in order
of their importance to the Yeti.
The first of the Joyful Mysteries goes by the distinctly prosaic name
of "Pamphlet #1". This is not of course the original name, but the
name it gained upon reaching wide circulation in the late 1970's.
This fragment was copied directly from ancient Atlantean scrolls under
the influence of J.R. "Bob" Dobbs' first trance in 1953, and
translated under the influence of a Gnosis Beam believed to have been
sent by JHVH, for at that time JHVH still believed that Dobbs was
aligned with "him". It was in fact that moment of sheer honesty that
planted the seeds of Dobbs' rebellion against JHVH. This pamphlet is
in fact the only piece of Subgenius literature one can trust
completely and honestly.
Other books in the Joyful Mysteries include the Economicon, which
details the benefits to be gained from Church membership and regular
contributions, Neuronicus, which details the punishments that shall be
enacted upon those who fail to give homage to the Church, Bleeding
Headcleesians, the first of the so-called "gnostic" books- this one
details the power of the Bleeding Head of Arnold Palmer, Arugula,
Transvestitian, and many many more.
The Sorrowful Mysteries, or the books of the Conspiracy, are much more
vast, indeed, nearly infinitely long. They number 13013, and every
form of horror known to human or Yeti is enacted in them. The first
of these, which is again the one most known to Yeti today, is the book
of Malaise. It is predicted in the book of Malaise itself that the
Church will suffer the torments set forth in each and every book
before the reign of "Bob" shall come to pass. From the book of
Malaise, one passes through the books of Dianetics, Clitorectomy,
Yacatisma, Inflation, and Devolutions. The final three books are the
most horrible of all, and only the name of the first of these books,
number 13011, is known- the book of Stang. It is hypothesized that
perhaps the 13012nd book is the Book of Dobbs, but then what can the
final book be...? The Sorrowful Mysteries were the primary source for
Revelation X: The "Bob"Apocryphon.
The Mysterious Mysteries, or the Books of "Bob", cannot be explained
to the UnRuptured, even by the ruptured, not for fear of corruption,
for that danger is present everywhere, but simply because they CANNOT
be explained. All that can be said here is that the first two books
of the Mysterious Mysteries are known as "Gnarly" and "Tubular", and
that one must die a million deaths in the pit to advance one's wisdom
beyond the second book. Furthermore, should one gain understanding of
the Mysterious Mysteries, one will find the world strangely altered.