My Fascinating Life

On a cold February day in Hell (or Milwaukee, at least) in

1974, I was born. Being forced to attend Catholic school for several

years as a child instilled me with the proper amount of hatred and

contempt for the human race. I became obsessed with the idea that I would

eventually find a portal to another world, or that aliens would suddenly

whisk me away to another planet where I could be with "my own kind".

Strangely, this idea would become oddly important to me in later life....

 

At the age of 12, I was introduced to a doctrine that spoke of a

conspiracy of normals. I heard from an acquaintance that there was an

acronym for C-O-N-S-P-I-R-A-C-Y which stood for 'Cliques Of Normals

Secretly Planning Insidious Rituals Aimed at Controlling You.' Now, this

struck a deep chord in my soul, because ever since I could remember,

people were persecuting me for no apparent reason. It seemed to me that I

was DIFFERENT from everyone else in some way that was indescribable in

words. The idea that everyone was "unique" was widely promoted in

society, yet somehow I always got the impression that I crossed even THAT

line. My very existence and everyday behaviors, while not overtly

disturbing, appeared to greatly vex my family, teachers, and schoolmates.

My immediate reaction to hearing an idea I had unconsciously been aware of

my whole life, but which I had never previously heard spoken in such

concise WORDS, was joy in realizing that I WAS NOT ALONE. Hovever, my

acquaintance had merely overheard this idea being discussed, and knew not

from whence it came. She had only a few additional vague bits of

information: one was that the color of this vast Conspiracy was pink; and

the other was that the Conspiracy was comprised of two types of people-

the kind that perpetuated it, its "agents", and the kind that fell for it

all, its "dupes". She firmly insisted that there was no other type of

person. BUT- I knew that there had to be another kind, the kind who

recognized what was going on, and rose above it. How else would anyone

have interpreted the situation and come up with the damn acronym?, I

reasoned. I decided I would spend my life searching out those who

understood this idea, if not those who had come up with the Sacred Acronym

itself.

 

Over the next several years, while not exactly finding actual living

people who grokked this concept, I did find comiseration in art and

literature, bizarre sexual practices, science fiction, horror movies, and

certain kinds of unpopular music. My identity formed itself around these

things as well as my still-remaining vague concept of being different in

some ineffable, metaphysical way. I had few friends, but I wasn't

bothered by it too much, for I felt that the ones I did have were closer

to being what I considered "real" anyway. Everybody else could go to

hell. This attitude made others fear, despise, and respect me at the same

time.

 

When it came time for me to go to college (directly after 11th grade,

skipping 12th entirely because I couldn't care less about High School), I

decided to study Literature, Philosophy, and Latin as the paths to

enlightenment and heightened creativity in my ultimate goal of somehow

becoming a writer. I went to NYU in New York City, for I figured this

would expose me to a greater diversity of people than in the suburbs of

Philadelphia where I grew up. I joined the Science Fiction Club there, in

a vain attempt to narrow my search to those who understood what was going

on; I realized 99% of them would be dumbasses like everybody else, but if

that literary genre had led me down some interesting paths, maybe I would

find one or two others with the same experience. There, at 17, I was

befriended by a 26-year-old ex-physics Grad student named Matt who was

seeking enlightenment like me, but had taken a path I had not considered:

the sciences. He saw in me the same spark of disquiet he felt, and

introduced me to The Church of the SubGenius, a bizarre Dallas-based

religious cult. I had difficulty with the "religion" part at first,

because of my childhood experiences with Catholicism, but after reading

The Book of the SubGenius, it became obvious that these were the type of

people I was searching for since I was 12. Why, even thier words were

familiar to me...Conspiracy...Dupes...Pinks...

 

And then I read Pamphlet #2.

 

And the shit really hit the fan.

 

There it was, as bold a statement as I had always remembered it to be.

THE SACRED ACRONYM ITSELF!!! Right there in black &white in front of me.

Not only had I found the proper type of people, but I had found the actual

organization that had inadvertently told me that there was even a Proper

Type in the first place. I now knew why I was such an outcast all those

years- I was a SubGenius, a member of a race genetically superior to

humans, with a greater capacity for understanding HUMOR. With a

joyfulness I had never known, I sent in my (then) $20 membership fee, and

turned my life and wallet over to "Bob", for I had truly felt his hand on

my shoulder.

 

Oh yeah, the nickname DEATHCHICK....I guess it was given to me because I'm

such an ass-kicker, or maybe becuse I like horror movies...I dunno...

 

Ain't life a pisser, sometimes?

 

Since graduating from college, I am now faced with the question of what to

do with my life. I've moved to Dallas, and now work for "Bob"

under Jesus Christ, business manager of the Church of the

SubGenius. Also, I write a column called Intech for a Dallas

weekly called the Met, all about cool junk I find on the web,

interviews, computer news, software reviews, and local Net crap in

general. I'm going to be branching into web design and other

schemes (like additional writing?) in the near future.

 

As Rev. Nickie DeathChick, I've had the great honor and privelege of

being an active participant in SubGenius devivals, inventing the SubGenius

Spanking Ritual, wherein I get paid to spank people to absolve them of

needless guilt. Also, I was on-stage back-up for the greatest SubGenius

preacher of all time, Pope David Meyer and have been on the Hour Of Slack

a number of times.

 

If you are interested in paying me to do any of the above, or anything

involving Philosphy, Literature, or Latin (my college subjects of focus),

contact me at nickie@metronet.com. Also, you can meet me at the Yale

IceHouse, a bar on Yale Ave. in Dallas, Texas, every 2nd Friday at our

Official Dallas Clench Meeting (e-mail me for details!).

 

Until then, Praise fuckin' "BOB"!

 

Love, Rev. Nickie Michaud