Subject: Re: PANIC ATTACK

Date: Sun, 21 Jun 1998 12:28:54 +0100

From: Peter Hipwell <petehip@cogsci.ed.ac.uk>

Organization: Lytreia

Newsgroups: alt.slack

References: 1 , 2 , 3 , 4

Michael Townsend wrote:

>

> In article <358BEEFC.926@cogsci.ed.ac.uk>, Peter Hipwell

> <petehip@cogsci.ed.ac.uk> wrote:

>

> --> after me again with that damn ALUMINIUM BAKING FOIL and

> --> transmitting

>

> al-you-mini-um? AL-YOU-MINI-UM? hahahhahahahaha

 

Oh God. It's the tourist season again.

 

For the past TWO BLOODY HOURS the sound of massed bagpipes and drums

has been HIGHLY AUDIBLE from this room. I PASSED the threshold of

TOLERANCE approximately 10 minutes after this started. Can't these

fuckers just BUGGER OFF to some god-forsaken GLEN and WELD THEMSELVES

into the INTERIOR of a LARGE RUSTY CORRUGATED IRON SHED so they can

practice their TARTAN-CLAD DEVIANCIES without having to SPEW their

YELPING POOT across MILES of DENSELY POPULATED TERRITORY. What the

FUCK is wrong with these BLADDER-SUCKING MANIACS? It's bad enough that

I have to go into the CENTRE OF TOWN once every few weeks and hear

about 250 bagpipers hootling versions of SCOTLAND THE BRAVE -- all

EXACTLY THE SAME -- that await to greet the CASH-GLUTTED FLEECE-READY

TOURISTS as I carve my agile route through the herds of BOVINE YANK

PENSIONERS, INSANE KAMIKAZE JAPANESE VIDEO-WIELDERS, EURO-BABBLING

SPUM-TRASH SCHOOLKIDS, and other OVER and UNDERSEAS FILTH that BLOCK

the FUCKING PAVEMENT by lounging around GAWPING at totally moronic

things like a fucking HOTEL next to the fucking RAILWAY STATION -- not

even the DAMN SCENIC BITS that the CONVEYOR BELT they're on says they

should be CRICKING THEIR NECK to gaze at, and COMPLAING ABOUT the

goddamn WEATHER and the fact that they're TOO STUPID to be able to

read even the SPECIALLY PRODUCED TOURIST MAPS -- this is the only

place I've been which has BLOODY MAP DISPENSERS ALL AROUND THE STREETS

-- which have PRIMARY COLOURS and BIG ARROWS to guide even the DIZZIEST

SPLANKHEAD to a safely EXPENSIVE rendezvous with either a CASTLE or a

PALACE or a goddamn SPOOKY GHOST TOUR so they can go see some

GRAVEDIGGER shit and some PLAGUE-TUNNEL shit and some GALLOWS shit and

some ROBERT LOUIS STEVENSON shit and some BROKE STUDENT DRESSED UP IN

A STUPID DRACULA COSTUME WHO THROWS A BUCKET OF WATER OVER THE

SQUEALING FUCKWITS ON THIS TOUR shit but all the time there's these

droning BAGPIPES going DURRR-NANANAN SCRIEK DURR-NA NA NANAANA. And

it's like that but MORE SO. There's probably ANOTHER fucking

CELBRATION of something unimportant out in the PARK: June during a

CONTINUAL THREE-WEEK DELUGE of PISSING-IT RAIN has turned the place

into a sea of SODDEN MUDFLAT broken up only by small patches of LITTER

and the REEK of PORTALOOS. I hope this PACK of SKIRLING TOSSPOTS

stumbles into a DEEP QUAGMIRE and DESCENDS, BURBLING, into an

ENVELOPING, SUFFOCATING CLOACAL ETERNITY that mirrors the operation of

a NEVERENDING CEILIDH run for the benefit of FAUX-CELTIC BURBLERS

GLOBALLY espousing the INAUTHENTIC INVENTIONS of "HERITAGE".

 

--

Sa-ti muste vampirii curul!