Subject: Re: Important News

Date: Sun, 27 Sep 1998 16:27:29 GMT

From: (Jahweh Lynch)

Organization: The Amnerican Forever, Etc.

Newsgroups: alt.slack

References: 1 , 2 , 3 , 4 , 5 , 6 , 7


Thus spake nu-monet:


>Jahweh Lynch wrote:


>> Thus spake nu-monet:


>> >It's kind of hard to be a good hero without a *really* nasty villain,

>> >too, so maybe you should ask the devil to do something really impressive,

>> >like a naked Mathilda May vampire in "Lifeforce"; then all you would have to

>> >do is make him stop and everyone would think it was really cool.


>> Hitler. Hitler is more evil than Satan. Bring back Hitler and have Jesus

>> kill him, and then he'd get a lot of followers.


>Nah. Two problems. 1) Hitler only ranks about eigth in all-time-great mass

>murderers, so he's more the 'character-actor' instead of 'Oscar' type; plus,

>he's sorta "overexposed" and


That doesn't matter. Go all over America. (America is the best place for

Jesus because Americans would be up for that shit anyway.) Do a poll. Ask

them, "Who's the most evil person ever?" I'll shit if it ain't Hitler.


>2) Hitler killed 3 million *Jews* (and 3 million others, though this is usually

>omitted) in the death camps, so what kind of *Christian Jesus* would you be if

>you went around saving *Jews*?


I'll tell you what kind of a Christian Jesus would be. A GOOD MARKETER,

that's what! Save three million Jews from certain death, you've got three

million CONVERTS! Remember, Christianity is the religion that'll take ANYONE

in its ranks!


>> >Help the poor? Hah! Would it ever cross your mind that the *great majority*

>> >of the poor remain so because of self-inflicted stupidity? Can you heal

>> >stupidity? What are you going to do, overturn the rule of nature that says,

>> >"If you are to *damn dumb* you suffer n' die?"


>> Who the hell do you think Christianity is supposed to appeal to? The LOSERS!

>> The people who NEED a savior to cope with the inadequacy of their own lives!

>> No, what Jesus needs is a new beatitude: "Blessed are the dumbshits." Don't

>> even bother to give them the promise in the second half, that's all they need:

>> "Blessed are the dumbshits." Sure, if you're too damn dumb you suffer and

>> die, but even if you're not dumb you suffer and die. And what Jesus is all

>> about is saying that THAT'S OK. Which people want to hear anyway.


>Yeah. But the profit margin in dumbshits is low. The Jesuits have the right

>idea, preaching to the upper classes is not only the quick way to power, but

>also money! Think of it as sermonizing the Pinks, rather than the Glorps.


I thought the "upper classes" were the Glorps and the "lower classes" were the

plain ol' Pinks, or the po'buckers. As for the profit margin... you think

Jimmy Swaggart made his money preachin' to the RICH? You think Jim Bakker

made his money preachin' to the RICH? HELL, NO! Even the poor got SOME

money. Oh, sure, they usually use it to pay rent, food, TVs, that sort of

stuff, but they JUST MIGHT BE DUMB ENOUGH to send it to YOU instead! Rich

people are assholes, too. They think they're allowed to be because they have

money. Rich people act like they're doing you some kind of FAVOR when they

give you money. Poor people act like you're doing THEM a favor by taking

their money. Remember that old parable Jesus had about how he'd rather take

the last shekel of an impoverished old lady than a thousand bucks from a

millionaire? He knew what he was talking about. How many poor people got

just ONE shekel? If you can get a bunch of people who only got a couple

hundred a piece to give you ALL of it, it's way better than getting some rich

guy to give you a "big" contribution and then start telling you what to do

with it. I'd rather have millions of STUPID DUMB HICKS as followers than one



>Hey, sales is VERY important to pulling of the deal! Where would J.R. "Bob"

>Dobbs be today if he didn't sell shit? I mean, the concession stand profits

>for the "Jesus Come Again Tour '99" would amount to some serious simoleons!

>The impoverishment part not only boosts profitability and dependency, but

>it's *funny*, too.


Yes, but if Jesus tells his followers to just leave their stuff behind, then

he can have his "cleanup crew" come by and loot. You see? He's got the

angles covered!


>First, sit down.

>Now imagine world Jewish Hegemony ruled over--by BARBARA STREISAND!



Actually, that sounds kind of neat.



"Marry a rat or a dog late in life. Avoid monkeys."

- My Chinese Fortune

Jahweh "Dave" Lynch- Asexual Crispin Glover Wannabe At Large