Subject: Re: Free Sex anyone?

Date: Sat, 15 Aug 1998 18:06:57 GMT

From: (Jahweh Lynch)

Organization: The Amnerican Forever, Etc.

Newsgroups: alt.slack

References: 1 , 2 , 3 , 4 , 5 , 6 , 7 , 8


Thus spake NENSLO:


>Aurora wrote:

>> I guess I just thought if I got all the SEX & SLACK

>> I could handle, that the sex and slack would be PROVIDED for me! Yeesh! And you

>> call yourselves Yetti!


>Ah, I think I see the source of the misunderstanding. You are looking

>for the "Two Tees" Yeti. That's a different religion. In the Church of

>the SubGenius we can handle ANY amount of sex and slack - from none to



OJ Simpson is one of the "Two Tees" Yeti. The Yetti are known to frequent

golf country clubs and are fond of the pullover. They often joke that the

"two tees" in their name stands for "tee and tea", both of which they enjoy

abundantly. They find the immaculately landscaped golf courses to be

refreshingly vernal and often comment on how beautiful nature is. They

nearly all have cell phones, but some of them keep them turned off.


They do not launch the head.


Anyway, if you are READY for sex, like I was saying- and I should point out

that being READY for sex is quite a different thing from wanting sex; in

many cases people who are ready for sex do not particularly want to have

sex at all- often find it available. Many people who desperately desire

sex often have trouble because they are so tense about it that their third

sphincter has been clenched. When the third sphincter is clenched the

divine emaculation of "Bob" cannot enter, and it is this emaculation that

makes one desirable- nay, irresistable- to members of the appropriate sex.

This relaxation occurs when the sphincter is not stuffed with unnecessary

barriers- such as, say, cash, which should be sent to Church HQ to be

exchanged for sphincter-loosening tools. Note that the debeaker should not

be used to attempt to forcibly remove the sphincter- some unfortunates have

attempted this and managed to remove their third rectum altogether, leaving

a bleeding hole that, while it is considered the most attractive of all to

"Bob", often leaves them in considerable pain for the rest of their

unnatural lives. No, brute force will not solve this conundrum. Your mind

must be emulsified, emulsified and partially hydrogenated, in order that

thou might see well and accept the lay, which is not a lie but is of the

land, and is in the land and throughout it, and yea, when the word of "Bob"

comes to expand your mind and your sphincter, he shall be followed by

MWOWM, and your third sphincter SHALL be increased in bandwidth and you

SHALL NOT have connection problems now or in the future, and yea, you SHALL

be able to get the RealFucking (tm) plug-in to work from SubSite, which is

as an agent of MWOWM but is not fit to lick its silicon nipples, and yea,

all these things shall come to pass, and YOU WILL HAVE SLACK.


Can I get an Amen?



"Marry a rat or a dog late in life. Avoid monkeys."

- My Chinese Fortune

Jahweh "Dave" Lynch- Asexual Crispin Glover Wannabe At Large


Thus spake Aurora:


>Hey! You were the one who told me the saucers weren't coming on X-day too... So,

>you're telling me you are paying money to this BOB FELLOW and you don't believe a

>word he says?


Exactly! THAT'S WHY WE PAY THE MONEY! We pay so we don't have to believe

HIS lies, or the CONSPIRACY'S lies, or ANY LIES EXCEPT OUR OWN! When we

buy "Bob"'s lies, it is like spreading fire with fire, for "Bob" is as one

of the Conspiracy, and is as their most malevolent creations, and he is

those lies ENCAPSULATED, but "Bob" is tainted with the POISON, the POISON

OF SLACK, which is upon him as his pipe is in his mouth, and everywhere he

goes he shall give this poison, this "Gift", upon the Conspiracy, and they

shall sicken and so die, though "Bob" himself shall not, for he is the

Typhoid Mary of Slack, a "carrier"- one who spreads the disease, but does

NOT suffer from it himself. That is why, once the Conspiracy is

vanquished, we shall have to "cure" "Bob", we shall have to TAKE AWAY his

Slack, so that we might have it for our own ends, for we SubGenii are not

sickened by Slack but STRENGTHENED, indeed, the SUBGENIUS MUST HAVE

SLACK... even "Bob"'s. And when we take this Slack, we shall kill "Bob",

the way he was meant to be killed, once and for all, and he SHALL NOT come

back, not this time. And that is why we kill him now, though we know he

shall come back. For practice, and that it might better help us to kill

the Conspiracy. Or kill me, Amen.


Marry a rat or a dog late in life. Avoid monkeys."

- My Chinese Fortune

Jahweh "Dave" Lynch- Asexual Crispin Glover Wannabe At Large