Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

- Unknown

.

After a year in therapy, my psychiatrist said to me,

"Maybe life isn't for everyone."

- Larry Brown

.

Whenever I'm caught between two evils,

I take the one I never tried.

- Mae West

.

When in doubt, duck.

- Malcolm Forbes

.

You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination

is out of focus.

- Mark Twain

.

Television is democracy at its ugliest.

- Paddy Chayevsky

.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

- Erma Bombeck

.

The best revenge is to live long enough

to be a problem to your children.

- Unknown

.

My parents put a live teddy bear in my crib.

- Woody Allen

.

Sex is natural, but not if it's done right.

- Unknown

.

Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn.

- Garrison Kiellor

.

It is more fun contemplating someone else's navel

than your own.

- Arthur Hoppe

.

Nothing is impossible for the man who

doesn't have to do it himself.

- A.H. Weiler

.

Plato was a bore.

- Friedrich Nietzsche

.

Nietzsche was stupid and abnormal.

- Leo Tolstoy

.

What a beautiful fix we are in now;

peace has been declared.

- Napolean Bonaparte

.

Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet.

- Kin Hubbard

.

Show me a good loser and I'll show you a loser.

- Unknown

.

My toughest fight was with my first wife.

- Muhammad Ali

.

I'm immortal... so far.

- Earle Robinson

.

It is in the ability to deceive oneself

that the greatest talent is shown.

- Anatole France

.

No individual raindrop ever considers itself

responsible for the flood.

- Anonymous

.

Never tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do

and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.

- General George S. Patton

.

By all means marry. If you get a good wife,

you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll

become a philosopher.

- Socrates

.

Zsa Zsa Gabor is an expert housekeeper. Every time

she gets divorced, she keeps the house.

- Henny Youngman

.

A string of reproaches against other people leads one

to suspect the existence of a string of self-reproaches

with the same content.

- Sigmund Freud

.

A citizen can hardly distinguish between a tax and a fine,

except that a fine is generally much lighter.

- G.K. Chesterson

.

Mental health problems do not affect three or four

out of every five persons, but one out of every one.

- Dr. Karl Menninger

.

The function of genius is not to give new answers, but to

pose new questions which time and mediocrity can resolve.

- H.R. Trevor-Roper

.

There are more important things in life than a little money,

and one of them is a lot of money.

- Anonymous

.

There is no stronger craving in the world than that of

the rich for titles, except that of the titled for riches.

- Hesketh Pearson

.

The two most beautiful words in the English

language are "Check Enclosed."

- Dorothy Parker

.

I never write "metropolis" for seven cents because I can

get the same price for "city." I never write "policeman"

because I can get the same money for "cop."

- Mark Twain

.

There is a great discovery still to be made in

literature: That of paying literary men for the

quantity they do not write.

- Thomas Carlyle

.

Blessed are they who have nothing to say,

and who cannot be persuaded to say it.

- James Russell Lowell

.

He who would do some great things in this short life

must apply himself to work with such a concentration

of force such that, to idle spectators who live only

to amuse themselves, it looks like insanity.

- Francis Parkman

.

They copied all they could copy,

But they couldn't copy my mind;

 

And I left them sweatin' and stealin',

A year-and-a-half behind.

- Rudyard Kipling

.

If I could get my membership fee back,

I'd resign from the human race.

- Fred Allen

.

You can pick out actors by the glazed look that comes

into their eyes when the conversation wanders away from

themselves.

- Michael Wilding

.

If 50 million people say a foolish thing,

it is still a foolish thing.

- Anatole France

.

If you took all the economists in the world and laid them

end-to-end, it would be a pretty good idea.

- Anonymous

.

The Great Big Black Things that have loomed against the

horizon of my life, threatening to devour me, simply loomed

and nothing more. The things that have really made me miss

my train have always been sweet, soft, pretty, pleasant

things of which I was not in the least afraid.

- Elbert Hubbard

.

Amusement is the happiness of those who cannot think.

- Alexander Pope

.

Words are loaded pistols.

- Jean-Paul Sartre

.

The dinosaurs's eloquent lesson is that if some bigness is

good, an overabundance of bigness is not necessarily better.

- Eric Johnston

.

The taxpayer: Someone who works for the government but

doesn't have to take a civil service examination.

- Ronald Reagan

.

An alcoholic is someone you don't like

who drinks as much as you do.

- Dylan Thomas

.

Women speak two languages, one of which is verbal.

- Steve Rubenstein

.

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.

- Timothy Leary

.

Woman are like elephants to me. I like to look at them

but I wouldn't like to own one.

- W.C. Fields

.

You'd be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap.

- Dolly Parton

.

The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you

wake up in the morning, you're on the job.

- Lena Horne

.

Any new venture goes through the following stages:

Enthusiasm, complication, disillusionment, search

for the guilty, punishment of the innocent and

decoration of those who did nothing.

- Unknown

.

The trouble with eating Italian food is that

five or six days later you're hungry again.

- George Miller

.

Technological progress is like an axe

in the hands of a pathological criminal.

- Albert Einstein

.

Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie"

until you can find a rock.

- Will Rogers

.

The difference between a mountain

and a molehill is your perspective.

- Al Neuharth

.

Golf is the most fun you can have

without taking your clothes off.

- Chi Chi Rodriguez

.

No man can think clearly when his fists are clenched.

- George Hean Nathan

.

Here's to our wives and sweethearts -- may they never meet.

- John Bunny

.

There are only two ways of telling the complete truth:

Anonymously and posthumously.

- Thomas Sowell

.

There is only one thing about which I am certain, and that

is that is there very little about which one can be certain.

- W. Somerset Maugham

.

I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it

for hours.

- Jerome K. Jerome

.

I'd like to get married because I like the idea of a man

being required by law to sleep with me every night.

- Carrie Snow

.

I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge

me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and

lead him to a quiet place and kill him.

- Mark Twain

.

There is nothing more exhilarating

than to be shot at without result.

- Winston Churchill

.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of

Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

- Mark Russell

.

I'm not an ambulance chaser.

I'm usually there before the ambulance.

- Melvin Belli

.

Injustice is relatively easy to bear; what stings is justice.

- H. L. Mencken

.

Silence is argument carried on by other means.

- Ernesto "Che" Guevara

.

As scarce as the truth is, the supply

has always been in excess of the demand.

- Josh Billings

.

It is impossible to feel the equal of someone

who's been awake longer than you.

- Mary Gordon ("Final Payments")

.

Some luck lies in not getting what you thought you wanted

but getting what you have, which once you have it you

may be smart enough to see is what you would have wanted

had you known.

- Garrison Keillor

.

Promise, large promise, is the soul of an advertisement.

- Samuel Johnson

.

Properly speaking, there is no such thank as educations.

Education is simply the soul of a society as it passes

from one generation to another. Whatever the soul is

like, it will have to passed on somehow, consciously or

unconsciously, and that transition may be called

education.

- G. K. Chesterson

.

If you pick up a dog and make him prosperous, he will not

bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog

and a man.

- Mark Twain

.

You can't use tact with a Congressman. A congressman is

a hog. You must take a stick and hit him on the snout.

- Henry Adams

.

When you consider what a chance women have to poison

their husbands, it's a wonder there isn't more of it

done.

- Kin Hubbard

.

The most important difference between business and

academia is this: In business everything is dog eat

dog. In academia it is just the reverse.

- E. John Rosenwald, Jr.

.

Man is a thinking animal, a talking animal, a toolmaking

animal, a building animal, a political animal, a

fantasizing animal. But, in the twilight of a

civilization he is chiefly a taxpaying animal.

- Hugh MacLennan

.

As a member of an escorted tour, you don't even have to

know the Matterhorn isn't a tuba.

- Temple Fielding

.

It is much easier to be critical than to be correct.

- Benjamin Disraeli

.

In American, an hour is about 40 minutes.

- German Saying

.

Owing money has never concerned me so long as I know

where it could be repaid.

- Colonel Henry Crown

.

Marriage is a book of which the first chapter is written

in poetry and the remaining chapters are written in

prose.

- Beverley Nichols

.

Bachelors know more about women than married men.

If they didn't, they be married too.

- H. L. Mencken

.

There is not money in poetry, but then there is not

poetry in money, either.

- Robert Graves

.

Poets, we know, are very sensitive people, and in my

observation, one of the things they are most sensitive

about is cash.

- Robert Penn Warren

.

You don't have to suffer to be a poet. Adolescence is

enough suffering for anyone.

- John Ciardi

.

People who read me seem to be divided into four groups:

Twenty-five percent like me for the right reasons; 25%

like me for the wrong reasons; 25% hate me for the wrong

reasons; 25% hate me for the right reasons. It's that

last 25% that worries me.

- Robert Frost

.

Originality is the art of concealing your source.

- Franklin P. Jones

.

The command, "Be fruitful and multiply," was

promulgated, according to our authorities, when the

population of the world consisted of two persons.

- Dean William R. Inge

.

One function of diplomacy is to dress realism in morality.

- Will and Ariel Durant

.

No man would listen to you if he didn't know

it was his turn next.

- Ed Howe

.

It is alright to hold a conversation but you should let

go of it now and then.

- Richard Armour

.

One man with courage makes it a majority.

- Andrew Jackson

.

Man is demolishing nature. We are killing things that

keep us alive.

- Thor Heyerdahl

.

To limit the press is to insult a nation; to prohibit

reading of certain books is to declare the inhabitants to

be either fools or slaves.

- Claude Adrien Helvetius

.

The great dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment

by men of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding.

- Justice Louis D. Brandeis

.

He led his regiment from behind- /He found it less

exciting. /But when away his regiment ran, /His place

was in the fore, O.

- W. S. Gilbert

.

Personally, I'm always ready to learn, although I do not

always like being taught.

- Winston Churchill

.

A neighborhood is where, when you go out of it, you get

beat up.

- Murray Kempton

.

The only prize much care for by the powerful is power.

The prize of the general is not a bigger tent, but

command.

- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr

.

A good catchword can obscure analysis for fifty years.

- Wendell L. Willkie

.

There is no future in any job. The future lies in the

man who holds the job.

- Dr. George Crane

.

If people really liked to work, we'd still be plowing the

land with sticks and transporting goods on our backs.

- William Feather

.

By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may

eventually get to be a boss and work twelve hours a day.

- Robert Frost

.

Nothing splendid has ever been achieved except by those

who dared believe that something inside then was superior

to circumstances.

- Bruce Barton

.

Memory is a crazy woman that hoards colored rags and

throws away food.

- Austin O'Malley

.

In my opinion, we are in danger of developing a cult

of the Common Man, which means a cult of mediocrity.

- Herbert Hoover

.

I reckon there's as much human nature in some folks as

there is in others, if not more.

- Edwards Noyes Wescott

.

It is the mark of the cultured man that he is aware

of the fact that equality is an ethical and not a

biological principle.

- Ashley Montagu

.

There is only one thing that can keep growing without

nourishment: The human ego.

- Marshall Lumsden

.

Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of

choice; it is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing

to be achieved.

- William Jennings Bryan

.

When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called

America before the white man came, an Indian said simply,

"Ours."

- Vine Deloria, Jr.

.

If one advances confidently in the direction of his

dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has

imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in

common hours.

- Henry David Thoreau

.

Success is the one unpardonable sin against one's fellows.

- Ambrose Bierce

.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

- George Bernard Shaw

.

Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are

objects of scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to

break up traffic jams.

- Mary Ellen Kelly

.

The truth is more important than the facts.

- Frank Lloyd Wright

.

Wagner's music is better than it sounds.

- Mark Twain

.

The greater the number of laws and enactments,

the more thieves and robbers there will be.

- Lao-tzu (604-531 B.C.)

.

Ideals are like stars; you will not succeed in touching

them with your hands, but like the seafaring man on the

desert of waters, you choose them as your guides, and

following them, you reach your destiny.

- Carl Schurz

.

Never face facts; if you do, you'll never get up

in the morning.

- Marlo Thomas

.

I don't care what you say, women make the best wives.

- Dagwood Bumstead

.

Husbands are like fires; they go out when unattended.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor

.

Genius is perseverence in disguise.

- Mike Newlin

.

Love: Two minds without a single thought.

- Philip Barry

.

Power doesn't corrupt people, people corrupt power.

- William Gaddis

.

All animals except man know that the principal

business of life is to enjoy it.

- Samuel Butler

,

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you

more than he loves himself.

- Josh Billings

.

The trouble with a kitten is That

Eventually it becomes a Cat.

- Ogden Nash

.

Human beings are the only animals of which I am

throughly and cravenly afraid.

- George Bernard Shaw

.

Laws are sand, customs are rock. Laws can be evaded

and punishment escaped, but an openly transgressed

custom brings sure punishment.

- Mark Twain

.

An adventure is only an inconvenience rightly considered.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered.

- G.K. Chesterson

.

Woman's liberation is just a lot of foolishness. It's the

men who are discriminated against. They can't bear children.

And no one's likely to do anything about that.

- Golda Meir

.

The man who regards his own life and that of his fellow

creatures as meaningless is not merely unfortunate, but

almost disqualified for life.

- Albert Einstein

.

There is only one thing in the world worse than being

talked about, and that is not being talked about.

- Oscar Wilde

.

This is the last one.

- Ron VanAbrahams