Bringing Up Baby
There are a few guidelines for the mutant breeder, although none
of them apply to every case and even fewer deserve real consideration.
NONETHELESS, they will be outlined here for purposes of further confusion.
1. Pregnancy is not for Pussies (or What to Eject When
You're Expecting a Yeti)
If the childbearing partner has any optional organs that she is
especially proud of, donate them FIRST. The vigor of the mutant
fetus will surely smash your spleen to smithereens.
The li'l parasites are also renowned for hoaxes and midnight
poker-amas, so it's best to disable the alarm system and ignore
all signs of labor until the screaming phase
commences. (Note: the "screaming phase" refers to the MALE
participant who invariably reacts in this fashion to the slightest
gesture of the ferocious BirthingFemme).
Sleep as frequently as possible, particularly at "work" and at
any time that the words "baby shower" are used in your presence.
Do not even ENTERTAIN the notion of bilking for baby at one of
these gatherings. You won't get anything you actually NEED like
FOOD, so don't even try it. You'll end up enduring a parade of
petit fours and will trudge homeward with a prize of FIFTY-EIGHT
pacifiers and a HEADACHE OF THROBBING PINK DEATH. Your valuable
between time is much better spent finding a doctor who is
1) not on the run from the "family" and 2) equally adept at
the use of forceps and a catcher's mitt.
Birth classes are HIGHLY recommended as a one-time-only engagement.
Most of the instructions are WRONG or at least HARMFUL, but the
fun of watching the other heifers huff is not to be understated.
You know how to breathe. Breathing will be the LEAST of
2. The Blunder Years (Infancy to Three Life Sentences)
Nourishment of a very young yeti is an occupation, a CALLING,
even. If you have been so foolish as to breed with a Normal, hoping
to dilute your fruit, this is the phase where your terrible error
will become obvious. Suckling is the EASY part. Once they move on to
paintable foods you will discover the importance of pets. Later you
will come to value metal detectors and other tools of the trade.
Never forget that they will eat ANYTHING and they will not necessarily
kill it first. Need a baby sitter? Forget it! That's why they
swallowed the swords in the first place! They have ALL DAY to plot
their next meal, your job is to ensure that it is more mutant
nutrition than blatant attrition. Be alert for the bored and famished
spawnling who says, "C'mon Kitty-kitty. We're goin' to HOLLYWOOD!!"
Don't become overly fond of any possessions or pets, and have
all parents of playmates sign a waiver OR be prepared to move in a
hurry. Stating your expectations will clarify things for your young,
and it will give them ideas. For instance, you should never say,
"Today we are not going to the Emergency Room." Every commonly phrased
caution may be a cause for inspiration, so it's best to be as
inscrutable and distracting as possible when a real danger is presented.
When they place a plastic bag over their heads, say something
like, "You're going to make SUCCOTASH!" Remember: their every hesitation
is your opportunity to suggest something entirely
different. They'll figure out how to express their creativity if you
can keep them away from heavy machinery long enough.
3. Bleed by Example (Bigger Little Yeti)
Now that they have their bowels under control, and can even tell
a STORY about shit, the real work begins. As if feeding their
stomachs wasn't demanding enough, now they are more affable and
entirely more dangerous. They demand BRAIN food, they talk in a
steady patter which contains just enough interest to prohibit
anything other than listening. Normal children can be safely ignored most
of the time, but not our li'l mutie folk. By the time they can
generate sentences, they have mastered sarcasm and even speaking in
Jungs. They will use test words like "serendipitydooda" to see
if you are REALLY listening. They will pounce and demand that you
fabricate an ORBITALLY CORRECT ANT PLANET before you've had your
first cup of sacramental Saturday coffee.
At this point it becomes obvious that they are COMPLETELY INSANE,
because they are the only beings on earth who are genuinely
interested in EVERY WORD you have to say about ANYTHING. This is where
the real yeti training begins. If you break momentarily
and look wistfully at a Barbie Doll, they will make a note of it,
and you'll have an infestation of horrid pink girly toys the next time you
flip the sofa. It's a mysterious encroachment that even the
vigilant parental person will face one day. You can't protect
them from ANY of it, but you can PREPARE them. Barbie WILL get into
your house, but if you're steadfast, she'll likely be dinosaur food or an
interchangeable dump truck driver instead of an ornament of CONdoctrination.
During this impressionable time, you can discuss most anything
with your little people. This will solidify their trust, particularly
if you maintain your composure and bury things as needed.
Revel in this time of whimsical exploration between naps.
Enjoy the hell out of it, for tomorrow they will decide you are full