Subject: Re: Lurch wondered what we do...even if it was boring

Date: 13 Aug 1997 00:00:00 GMT

From: (MegaLiz)

Organization: MotPU: Where Binary Moodswings are ALWAYS on the Menu

Newsgroups: alt.slack, alt.foot.fat-free

References: 1 , 2





Sven Svandor Svengali QPMN <> wrote:


: Those of us who lead totally illucid lives may step up to the plate and

: take over the whole universe. I went to Chicago today and got ripped off

: by street punks who all wanted to kiss me when I had money. I put

: wormwood in their buttocks. Then they mohawked my poor little pony

: moondancer. She will get well on Sunday. Also drunk stoned driving over

: the speed limit through red lights and stopp signs with my eyes half

: closed zoning out to a very horrifyingly ARCHCHARCH ngtvld album with a

: vanity plate of PIXY-LED sliding its way in between the fittings in my

: car. Has anyone seen my JPEG? I will drive my car right into your house.


What do I do every day? Lots of nauseatingly NORMAL stuff. I am a food

source, a hygiene technician, a preschool teacher ("Here! Let's see

what you can do with some BIG ROCKS!"), AND I talk A LOT. I don't know

what I talk about, really, it's the act itsownself that counts around



In order to maintain a proper imbalance, I also cook THINGS and

research the Lemmy Quotient. It's a very active force, and I've fallen

behind in reporting on it.


In local news recently a widespread search was organized for a missing

two-year-old. I whiffed a Lemmy right from the start. The search was

especially horrible because the little dude had wandered off just

before an extremely hot weekend. Hence there were so many volunteers

and so much bad ozone, that they had to call the search off at least



How did this Lemmy get loose? He'd been picked up by his mom and dad

at about 3:00am on Friday. They'd been having a much better time than

he had with the babysitter, and he was PISSED OFF. He refused to sleep

when they got home, so Dad plugged him into a DISNEY movie and then

passed out next to Mom upstairs. Lemmy was properly outraged at the

Seven Dwarf Treatment, so he unlocked the front door and TOOK OFF.


Naturally, after 24 hours, things looked grim. This Lemmy was

predicted to be cooked somewhere or drowned somewhere else. Of course,

I knew better, but I hadn't heard of any local hijacking incidents

that would offer any decent clues.


After 48 hours, this Lemmy reappeared at his home as suddenly as he

had vanished. He couldn't talk clearly (I say he WOULDN'T, being that

he was fully able to communicate clearly with the Lemmy Collective),

so no one was really sure for another day or so what exactly had

happened to our li'l hero.


Soon, all was revealed when their neighbors returned from the beach.

Lemmy had walked out of his house and entered RIGHT NEXT DOOR. The

home was unlocked for the cat-sitter, you see, so his lack of tools

didn't matter a bit. He had feasted on the extra cat food, drawn

hugely on all the walls with crayon and shaving cream (and possibly

OTHER MATTER - I'm betting he was NOT potty compliant). He'd

rearranged the furniture to suit him, enjoyed lots of questionable

television, and "used" all the toys he found. Apparently, he also hid

whenever the cat-sitter appeared, so she never noticed that the house

was being invaded.


The cat has not been heard from to date.



Temporary Identity Crisis Pacifier:


It won't help you remember my email address and it

will not fatten your feets, so what's the HARM?!?*