Subject: A Post to Tire Townsend

Date: 03 Mar 1998 00:00:00 GMT

From: nospamum@radix.net (MegaLiz)

Organization: MotPU: Where Binary Moodswings are ALWAYS on the Menu

Newsgroups: alt.foot.fat-free

 

 

 

 

 

What I did today

 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

-Drank coffee and nursed Bobo while Spunky clamored for castle

building

-Set Bobo up with Cheerios and bananas for the self-service part of

her meal

-Brushed every last hair on their heads while Spunky announced that

she would stay in her pajamas ALL DAY

-Stuck my own head under a faucet while everyone else ate whatever the

Rev prepared

-Brushed my teeth and remembered NOT to use the noxious "natural" kid

toothpaste

-Drank more coffee in order to take my "little pill" and tried to

imagine a hormone jolt that it doesn't really offer

-Dressed in clothes that would aggravate the Rev, since he's home sick

-Gave a stirring rendition of "Stop in the Name of Love" with a towel

on my head

-Told the Rev to pretend he's not home and do whatever he wanted so he

took Sparky to school

-Made cream of wheat with applesauce for me and Bobo to share

-Nursed Bobo yet again after hosing her off and wiping down the

high chair to free it of sticky clumps of cereal cement

-Put Bobo to bed for nap #1 after diaper change #1

-Built a castle with Spunky. "I'm gonna build the DUNGEON," she

announced.

-Made MY bed and did all the kid puzzles so that I could get them offa

the floor so that I could run Darth Vacuum upstairs while a minimum

of tiny things were in my way

-Moved some furniture

-Opened up a closet and considered organizing it until I closed it and

forgot about it

-Put colorful powders and eyelash boosters on my face

-Considered changing the cat litter and then decided that it wasn't

stinky enough yet

-SNACKTIME! Spunky gets apple and COKE because she won't ever fucking

forget a promise and it is "tomorrow" now

-Cleaned the kitchen while I toasted bread and ate it

-Noticed my checkbook with instant horror while I was still eating the

toast

-Called the bank while I chewed to put the monies in the right place

so that the rent check doesn't boingy boingy again

-BOBO WOKE UP! I bounced her on my knee while I read a paper from 5

days ago noting with disappointment that on Friday we missed the

Nature Center's Adopt-a-Hissing-Cockroach event. They were charging

three bucks, though.

-Tried to help Spunky get dressed so that she could go outside and get

soaking wet in the flooded sandbox, but she stalled for many minutes

with the "rasberry-tickle-stop game" which I cunningly designed to

help her understand that stopping when someone says STOP is a good

idea. Bobo loves to watch this.

-Bobo began to crawl forward for the first time with REAL PURPOSE and

attempted to demolish the castle. Spunky, appalled, shrieks, "BAD

BABY!" The Rev and I chuckled at the karma.

-Helped the Rev find the yeast and hmmmed over his pizza dough

-Took a call from Gramma's cellphone. She was at the bank, so I asked

for a pound of twenties. She thought that was funny. Gramma

volunteered to come over on Wednesday so that I can visit a junkyard.

-Spunky ran in to announce that she had completed a successful

underwater excavation and had uncovered a dinosaur of SPARKY'S

-Too late, I offered the Rev another dough recipe

-Spunky ran in again to the bathroom, came RUNNING back with her

pants around her ankles asking for HEP. As I re-zipped her, she

announced, "Some bugs can bite or sting. Bees can sting. They don't

bite, but WOPS can sting and sting!"

-Checked my email while Spunky was splashing happy. Bobo annoyed the

dog for kisses.

-Realized that it was NOON

-Spunky flung herself down the bottom four steps, stark naked

-We left the Rev in peace and began the lunch launch. Spunky got a

jelly sammich and juice, but the pear I cut was too unripe, so I

started to cook it after I heated Bobo some grated carrot and

pulverized tuna. Feeling the kind of urge for diner food that only

comes with being house bound, I decided to have tuna on white with

potato chips and a COKE. I suspect that I am NOT WELL.

-Licked the extra carrot shavings off my fingers and decide that that

just MUST meet my vitamin A requirements.

-Spunky had MORE JUICE before I even made it to the table. The pear

was forgotten.

-I tried to read the "Rules For Enjoyable Karaoke" in the paper, for

no particular reason, while Bobo screamed a happy scream.

-Spunky finished her lunch and announced that it would be FAIR if I

shared my chips with her. So I did.

-Spunky announced that she was cold and wanted to stay naked, then

wrapped herself in a blanket and watched educational Teevee.

-Cleaned the kitchen AGAIN and then remembered why I only clean it

ONCE a day. I did NOT, I repeat, DID NOT crush my foot on the marble

pastry board that somebody left leaning up against the cabinet like a

toe-killing booby trap. I was having an observant day, after all.

-Dosed Spunky with her ZOWIE WOWIE ear medicine, which made her fall

asleep right there on the couch. I like these side effects.

-Hosed the highchair and occupant AGAIN after noticing that Bobo has

discovered the joyous wagging that can be made by feeding the dog ON

PURPOSE.

-Watched Bobo purposefully creep forward until she butted her head on

the bookcase. Watched Bobo gasp for breath when she creeped over the

floor vent, then watched her figure it out and BACK UP. WOW. We have

another Einstein!

-Flipped on a soap opera--I believe it was the Emmy-winning "Dr. Slut,

P.I.--and nursed Bobo while Spunky snored.

-Changed a HORRENDOUS diaper that defies description. Aren't you

fortunate?

-Put Bobo to bed for nap #2

-Drank coffee as a matter of principle.

-Sighted the Rev who was managing to be both Slackful AND achey

-Realized that it was two o'clock

-BOBO WOKE UP! I fetched her and failed to fascinate her with laundry

dancing, so I gave up, gave her something to ease her toothbuds and

JUST HELD HER.

-Began to recognize that I didn't feel AT ALL OKAY.

-The Rev reappeared and observed that his dough had risen. He poked at

it with gusto and used a respectable Homer Simpson voice to say,

"Doh! Doh! Doh!"

-He cooked up some experimental bread stick thingies and we ate them

on the floor with a still-naked Spunky

-Spunky and Bobo "played near" until it was time to fetch Sparky

-I persuaded Spunky to don some underpants. She put them on backwards.

I pointed this out, but she just peaked into the front and declared,

"I don't see any TAG, so they must be not backwards."

-The Rev and Sparky arrived home and I was still marooned in the

living room watching the dinosaurs get released from the dungeon by

"happy birds" while Bobo joyfully crowed at her ability to bang

blocks together

-I finally said, "You are really pissing me off," for the first time

today, after about a half hour of frantic getting-reacquainted

teaseplay.

-Checked the mail and found a replacement credit card--THE FOOLS--

some insurance "explanations of benefits" which helpfully explained

why I didn't get any insurance benefits, something else forgettable,

Montgomery Ward's desperate plea to let them service my lawn mower,

and an invitation for Sparky.

-Sparky was surly, the Rev reported. I nodded.

-Realized that I owed them allowance, but before I could make change,

I had a flippy sensation in my chest, everything went swimmy, and I

SWOONED into a chair (I think "swooned" is the right word for a faint

that doesn't actually lead directly to unconsciousness), and shouted

for the Rev. I checked my temperature and decided to find a doctor if

it happens again.

-Changed and nursed Bobo YET AGAIN while half-watching Oprah tell

some woman that she has a beautiful body: a good use of free speech,

I'd say.

-Spunky hit Sparky TWICE in the head with a large wooden block, so I

shouted her into "time-out." Sparky probably deserved it, but STILL.

I considered re-naming time-out "the dungeon." Then I could say, "You

SPIT on her?!? GO TO THE DUNGEON AT ONCE!"

-Put Bobo to bed for nap #3

-Coached Sparky through her homework, which included reading a book,

counting coins, and writing her spelling words again and circling the

vowels. I don't know HOW to tell her about "sometimes Y" rule.

That'll BLOW HER MIND.

-BOBO WOKE UP!

-Helped Spunky put on her bathing suit, which she took as BLOOD OATH

that I would take her to the pool. I informed her that not only would

we NOT be going to the pool, we were having canned dinner in honor of

our general infectitude. "YAY!" she said.

-I mixed up cereal with berry bits for Bobo and slopped it into her.

-Sparky asked, "Did we have dinner yet? If we did then I'm ready for

dessert." I told her to ask her father to come and open a can.

-Told the Rev that there were supped to be spaghetti-Os AND ravioli in

that can, but he said I was hallucinating the spaghetti-Os. It

wouldn't be the first time.

-I served myself a nice hunk of yesterday's quiche: nobody ate the

ravioli, so I wouldn't either.

-Sparky put on her bathing suit so they could play "No Sofa is an

Island"

-Bobo squeaked at me while I ate.

-Hid out in the basement for a bit. Sparky hollered down, "I hurt

myself and she's LAUGHING at me!" We laughed too and agreed that

Sparky was DEFINITELY ON THE RAG

-The Rev retreated to the shower and everyone else appeared at my

elbow, so we had MUSIC TIME. This meant that I typed all the rest of

this shit while they took turns pounding on the Korg and mixing

foghorn noises.

-Held Bobo when she became alarmed about the oinking of the Korg

-Listened to the pupae get EVERMORE EXCITED by the noises they found

while they shouted things like, "THIS is the ALIEN MUSIC MARRIAGE!"

 

-Extrapolated the rest of my day, based on experience rot cheer:

-Spanked them all soundly and sent them to bed

-Yakked on IRC in incomplete sentences, because I wasn't FIT for

anything else

-Set up the coffee, clothing and dishes for the next day's onslaught

-Collapsed into MY NEW BED to read three pages of something and then

have either a)semi-conscious yetiluv or b)sleep or c)both

 

 

NONO, MAN, YOU'RE WELCOME!!!

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------

"I would say DUH! when you say that, except that you told me

that's rude. So can I just whisper "duh" instead? Really quietly?

Would that be okay?" -Sparky

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