Subject: Braveheart Review (So It's Late. So Spoo Me)

Date: 18 Mar 1996 00:00:00 GMT

From: (MegEliz)

Organization: Gene Wolfe Library and Family Restaurant, East Wing

Newsgroups: alt.slack


(So I spent an evening on the sofa with Mel. I like Mel, not just for

the usual oh-my-god-isn't-he-gorgeous reasons either. Mel looks zactly

like my phys-ed teacher from first grade, the first man I ever loved).


Direction during nicotine withdrawal: 10 (That's right - Mel hung up

the fags for this one. It shows).


Cinematography: 8 (-2 for ignoring every color except shades of green

and brown and dark).


Writing: 10 (I just may have been too overwhelmed, but I found

absolutely nothing to complain about or jeer at. Oh

I forgot. That should be -1 for the improbably and

kinda stupid side plot with the Princess of Wales. Yeah,



Introduction of psycho Irish: 10 (The Irish were just PRECIOUS).


Battles and general dismemberment: 10 (Now some folks may prefer more

guts hanging out and realistic body fluid spraying, but I

thought they did enough with the sounds to make up for it).

Assassinations: 10 (SEVERAL memorable moments).


Is it really obvious that I pretty much LOVED this movie yet? If not

let me proceed to mention...


Butt index: 10 (My butt did not fall asleep AT ALL. This flick is

three hours long, though, and I did watch it in two

sessions. Your mileage may vary).


Butt index, part II: 10 (Lots of guys butts in this one).


Rilly disgusting looking 14th century dudes: 7 (They did have the

matted hair and general filthyness portrayed rather nicely,

but they forgot that rotten teeth NOT orthodontically

corrected, Colgated choppers were in style back then).


Horse stunts that likely caused nice SPCA ladies to get a case of the

vapors: 10


War Cry Inducement: 8 (We were slightly hampered by sleeping dogs and

pupettes on this one).


Need I even mention...


Revenge of the females: 20 (That was the WHOLE POINT).



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