From firstname.lastname@example.org Mon Aug 24 18:27:17 1998
Subject: Butthead Parents
From: email@example.com (MegaLiz)
Date: Tue, 25 Aug 1998 01:27:17 GMT
axel@SPAMXverinet.com (axel heyst) wrote:
: IN MY NEXT LIFE I WANT TO HAVE A MEG-A-MOM!
Shucks. Not to, like, agree too heartily, but a good mom is hard to
find. I'm sure my brood will find plenty to complain about, especially
since I'm dipso facto spread too thin. There will be the times I
failed to notice that I was doing something exactly wrong, I've
probably failed to notice plenty of instances of that already. This in
itself makes me inch toward generosity with other Butthead Parents. I
am NOT a good mother. I aspire to be among the thin ranks of the
There is a little something that Butthead Parents routinely forget to
keep firmly in mind, and while I hesitate to post what sucks or
doesn't suck about MY parents, I can say that whatever ELSE they did
wrong they kept their mouths SHUT at nearly all the right moments. So
See, Butthead Parents pass judgement on any little thing that they
observe in their, uh, coital fruits. The only problem with THAT is
that they also forget that their pronouncements, which any real adult
would brush off like so much cigar ash, burn into their kids like no
one else's ever can. Kiddie memories are SELECTIVE too, much more so
than ours are, since the neurology is still settling into place.
How would you like to live with the knowledge that saying, "You are
making my life hell!" (spoken to someone else!) may be the ONE
vocalization of the YEAR that your child retains? Maybe they'll only
remember the aberrant behaviors until some wise therapist tells them
that their early memories are somehow representative of their
What are YOUR earliest memories? I remember crying for my father until
someone left me in the dark to scream and scream, BUT! BUT! I also
remember my first birthday party. Which one of THESE represents my
I wouldn't ever want to trivialize someone else's childhood horror, I
had some of that later for which there are WITNESSES. Most people take
on children without any evil intent, but whatever evil crawls under
their skin is relentlessly exposed by both the close study of their
little pupils and the brutal crucible that we like to call parenthood.
Anyone who ever honestly tells you that having children is some sort
of cuddly, yum-yum experience is either just getting started or
INSANE. They ALSO deeply believe that the Tooth Fairy is going to
visit them in the nursing home to fork over cash for their missing
adult teeth. Betcha. These people are so estranged from reality that
they will look with PITY on people who haven't bred.
Not that there isn't something to pity, of course. They haven't had
the marvelous experience of doing their best for someone who won't
understand or appreciate it for decades, if ever. They may not have
had the daily affirmation that they will NEVER be truly adequate to
the biggest responsibility of their lives. They can't be part of the
secret Parents' Club, where all members agree not to take any
commentary from the childless seriously. They can't know what it is to
watch someone who is almost thoroughly incompetent walk out into the
world with their heart in a child-sized pocket.
At times like that, we should pity the child AND the world, but we
pity ourselves because we're BUTTHEAD PARENTS.
Emancipate a comma! Evict mental ergonomics!