Subject: Manse Diaries: How Not to Find a Crack House
Date: 26 Mar 1998 00:00:00 GMT
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (MegaLiz)
Organization: MotPU: Where Binary Moodswings are ALWAYS on the Menu
Newsgroups: alt.foot.fat-free, alt.slack
Since this same sort of scenario keeps playing out all over me, I have
decided that it must be something about my pstench. It apparently has
a touch of wispy vulnerability that brings predators in close, but
once they are near me they lose their nerve when they get a taste of
the actual UNDERTOE of SUBGENIUS. Then again, maybe I just LOOK like I
would just as soon kill them and be polite. I dunno.
Today, after I had loaded up the wriggly girl people to DRIVE to a
playground with better STUFF, a man poofed into existence beside the
van. This in itself was enough to piss me off.
He started off politely enough but immediately started to LIE about
how he was "a...uh...private investigator" and was investigating the
house on the corner to find out if there was "uh...unusual activity,
like it might, like, be a crack house." He was wearing camouflage
pants, a tee shirt, red suspenders, a two-day beard and had a zombie's
attitude and an otherworldly sense of what might make a plausible
conversation starter. He fiddled with a piece of paper and a key while
Since I already had the car started and was IN it, I just kept my grip
on the shift and was perfectly willing and ready to inflict maximum
toe damage if he got any closer. "I haven't noticed anything over
there. Now EXCUSE ME, I'm running late so get away from my car."
He mumbled some Dragnetesque phrase like, "Thanks for your
cooperation, ma'am," as I drove away slowly. I watched to see if he
got in another car, but he appeared to be driving a double-parked tow
truck. He must have been an Agent of Joey's Tow, the Super Secret Arm
of the Drug Enjoyment Agency.
I was REALLY furious. I don't CARE if people want to smoke crack and
die quietly in my neighborhood. I REALLY REALLY DON'T GIVE A TWO
SECOND SHIT. I do NOT, however, want BIG STUPID MEN to hover around me
in my own front yard because they forgot how to get there. I AM NOT
THE FUCKING CRACK HOUSE TRAFFIC COP. Sure, I could have pointed him to
a drug dealer, I'm pretty sure that those folks over THERE are
peddling something, but the only trouble we've seen is that they take
up too many parking spaces and don't mow their grass much.
I SPED to the police station, and I really HOPED that I'd get pulled
over just to save time, because I wasn't going to get any more
punctual for my play date. Naturally, I got to the station without
seeing any police, and had to ring a bell to get in there.
The door was opened by a standard issue trooper, who apologized for,
but insisted on wearing his standard issue shades throughout the
conversation. I gave him a DETAILED description of the zomboid, the
location and the conversation. Bobo crowed her version of events at
him from my lap, while Spunky wrapped herself around the base of my
chair. When I told him that I KNEW that the private investigator story
was bullshit, Officer Trooper smiled very broadly and showed off a
full set of braces, which shattered his badass image just a teeny bit.
"They would never act like that," he said, "you would never even
NOTICE a real private investigator." I knew that. I used to work with
fifty retired FBI men who did private investigations, and yes, they
really do all look alike, and yes it IS possible to individually NOT
NOTICE fifty men.
So, as it happened, Mr. Trooper was too busy to run right over and Mr.
Zomboid was probably pretending to be a paper boy with some elderly
neighbor, "Yeah. I've got, like, this free delivery for the nearest
CRACK HOUSE, Mrs...um...M-Moogferson..."
I felt a lot better after we played on the swings and had our
ceremonial playmate pizza place takeover, but I am NOT going to forget
this. The next one will not even get a chance to SPEAK.
Why do crackheads have to be so STUPID? Do they lose the ability to
appreciate simple technology like the PHONE? If *I* needed drugs that
badly, I'd make sure I at least had a drug sniffing DOG, for
"I would say DUH! when you say that, except that you told me
that's rude. So can I just whisper "duh" instead? Really quietly?
Would that be okay?" -Sparky
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