Subject: Halloween Majick from Martha
Date: Sun, 26 Oct 1997 17:43:33 GMT
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (MegaLiz)
Organization: MotPU: Where Binary Moodswings are ALWAYS on the Menu
Newsgroups: alt.slack, alt.foot.fat-free
Let me just say that it's a good thing for you people that you have ME
to watch TV for you. Spider Monkey and I enjoy the finest that the
tube has to offer everyday at approximately 8 a.m., 10 a.m., 1 p.m., 4
p.m. and 6:30 to 8 p.m. for at least 20 minutes at a stretch. Somebody
told me that it's good for lactation and DAMNED if they weren't right.
The Monkey is a Poster Child for Triple-chins everywhere!
The most newsworthy observation is that Oprah is going evangelical. I
am not kidding and you ignore this at your peril. I have noted with
delight that most of her "message" can be boiled down to "don't be so
pink!" but it is the forcefulness and slick packaging of it that makes
me reeeeealy nervous. Of course she's not perfectly anti-pink: she
also commands that no one should ever again use the word nigger unless
they are actual niggers.
Lemme tell you, this is gonna be a meltdown to rival PTL's Jim and
Tearful Tammy for entertainment value whenever she really loses it on
Teevee. She may even be assassinated by some poor white fat woman who
just can't cope with all the prescribed community service and Sudden
Irrational Commitments to Kindness (the S.I.C.K. movement). She'll be
taken out by the victims of the Bad Surprise Makeover otherwise.
News as it happens.
From the Commercials Too Stupid to Mention So I Will Dept: Quilted
Northern Asswipe Commercials are - gasp - written by ASSWIPES! Since
they're, like QUILTED, and all that, some Keebler-Elf-loving ad whiz
decided to depict a cartoon of - yes, that's right - happily quilting
elves making the toilet paper. There was one small problem, however.
The ENTIRE BRAINLESS STAFF responsible for the DEATHLESS ASSWIPE
PRODUCTION LINE CARTOON were TOO FUCKING IGNORANT to realize that they
had rendered the little fairies USING KNITTING NEEDLES. Not only THAT,
but it took them THREE MONTHS TO NOTICE and FIX IT. I was even
beginning to be rather proud of their staunch stupidity, the little
And now, the cause of the header up there: Martha Stewart finally did
something right! This was the creeepiest table arrangement I have ever
seen, short of using actual body parts to decorate a party. It's a
GOOD THING, Martha!