Subject: Thread J is for JAYNER

Date: 30 Jan 1996 00:00:00 GMT

From: megeliz@radix.net (MegEliz)

Organization: Gene Wolfe Library and Family Restaurant, East Wing

Newsgroups: alt.slack

 

 

============== The Janor Transcripts, Part One ===============

 

Hey why don't ya pass me one of them papers, Smith. What? Them

papers, they look like they're all connected, looks like... what is

that, some kinda roll of toilet paper?

 

No, man, it's not a roll of toilet paper, it's just these...

uh... papers, they seem to be stuck toge--

 

It's a damn roll of toilet paper! I guess you wanna see me take a

SHIT! I guess that's what you want me to do is just git down

right here, just crouch right down. Oh no, don't make me wait, don't

make me wait 'til we get to the men's room. Don't wait 'til we get to

the damn men's room, at this here airport. Oh I can shit right HERE if

that's what you want! Oh yeah! I've been fartin' all day, I've been

waitin' for someone, someone who wanted me to! Oh that's what you

want! You want me to, you want me to crouch down, pull my damn pants

off, take my big hairy ass outta my blue jeans, right here and now,

right in the damn car! Right on the floorboard of your brand new 1982

Trans Am! That's why your gettin' them papers out, you want me to take

a damn SHIT! Well, that's fine I'll do it. I'll unbutton my jeans

right now I can take a damn SHIT! Yeah! That's what you want! That's

what--

 

No, man, it's not, it's--I--they're papers. All I wanna do is smoke a

joint. I don't wanna--that's the LAST thing I want is for some--some

greasy redneck to take a shit in my brand new--

 

Oh! Yeah! That's why you took the damn toilet paper roll out, that's

what you wanted. Well. Well, what would your girlfriend think about

that? Let's get her in here. Yeah! That's probably what you wanted to

show her.

 

No, man, it's--it's cool. Let's just smoke--

 

No! Come on! Let's let her see your sexual perversions. Let's get her

in here to show her how you wanted me to take a damn shit.

 

Oh! OH, Harold, it's horrible! Why'd you have to show me this? I was

having a good time at home watching the Wonderful World of Disney on

television, and you've got me this--this damn--this some kind of biker

mutation taking a shit in our brand new car! To think I was ever gonna

marry you! Huh--

 

Well, that's what he WANTED. He wanted to see. He wanted me to take a

damn SHIT! I was gonna take a damn SHIT right now. Oh yeah! But what

about that other part, that other part you were tellin' me earlier?

About how you wanted to crucify a two-headed chicken while me and my

wife had sex with a Mr. Coffee Machine while reading the autobiography

of Larry Flint--

 

Oh Harold! I can't believe it--I can't believe--I thought--I thought

you were a god-fearing young man and... and so I agreed to marry you,

and now I find out--

 

Oh, yeah!

 

But I never said that! I never said anything like that! All I did was,

I got these papers out and--

 

Oh, yeah! I understand you don't want me to say things like this. Oh!

I'm sorry! Forget I ever said the part about the coffee machine. Oh!

I'm sorry! Your fiance's standin' here - you didn't want me to talk

about that. Well, you probably didn't want to talk about the fact that

you want BUTT FUCK JOE DIMAGIO WHILE HE DID THE DAMN COMMERCIAL FOR

MR. COFFEE! DID YA--

 

Oh! Harold! You know I always liked ground roast! I can't stand that

Mr. Coffee stuff!

 

Oh, yeah, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I never mentioned the part about how

you wanted to take the damn... damn... chicken and S&M while reading

Larry Flint's autobiography before he became a Christian. Stick a damn

coffee machine... a damn MR. Coffee up your ass while Joe DiMaggio

watches but doesn't do anything, except read Larry Flint's biography

AFTER he became a Christian, while Tom Snyder gets a blow job from Pat

Robertson. Oh, but no, I won't tell her about THAT. I KNOW you don't

want her to tell me the part about Johnson Floor Wax. And how you

wanted to get an old man without any teeth--I won't even go into what

you wanted him to do to... to your you-know-what--but I guess I can't

say it. But I won't say a damn thing about how... the fact that you

wanted to get that old man without any teeth.... Well I can't even...

with a woman present, I just can't say how you wanted him to GUM YER

DAMN DICK! And I won't say a damn thing about how you wanted to take a

damn woman who didn't have any arms and stick yer damn DICK in her

damn STUB where her arm used to be! Oh, I couldn't. I didn't say a

damn thing about THAT.

 

Oh! Oh! Harold! I can't believe--I can't believe all these things are

true about you!

 

But look, all I had were the papers--

 

Oh yeah the papers! That's was what you wanted. That was just what you

wanted. Didn't you want to get about thirteen girls in here and watch

'em pee while someone else chopped a door in half, while watching Walt

Disney jack off on the biography of Joe DiMaggio--The Story of Mr.

Coffee before Larry Flint became a Christian.

 

Now look, man! I never said... I never said anything like that--

 

Oh! I'm sorry, I'm sorry! It was AFTER Larry Flint became a BORN AGAIN

Christian. That was when he got into the really funky stuff, like

fuckin' a cow... no, that was you... yeah, you were the one that

wanted to fuck a damn cow, and then birth the monster so you could

fuck IT. Oh, yeah...

 

But, Harold, I can't believe it! We never use Johnson's Floor Wax! We

always use Vanguard. And...and we almost always use fresh roast coffee

[unintelligible]

 

Oh, yeah! But Joe DiMaggio doesn't have anything to do with it. He was

the one you wanted to stick a damn funnel up his ass and pour tar in

his ass while he's givin' a blow job to Johnny Carson, while he was

butt fuckin' Ed McMahon, while he was sucking Chrissie O'Neil's...

Christie O'Connor's... whatever-her-name-is CUNT, while she had the

old woman with the stump, while the old man, he was the one who was

humpin' on the coffee machine, while readin' the biography of Larry

Flint DURING the time that he was a Christian, while someone else is

stickin' a crucifix up the two-headed chicken, WHICH you dressed in a

cheerleader costume, with USED underwear, while someone else took a

little rubber paddle and played with the roosters dick, while he had a

damn wheelbarrow full of...full of CUM, and mixed in with a buncha

SHIT. He's gonna put it in a damn Mr. Coffee Machine, while he's got a

damn dildo strapped to his head with big red STRAPS. He says, "How you

gonna fuck it, Smith?" And he says, "I don't know, Jones." You gotta

fuck it with a big red dick, and have the damn Larry Flint

autobiography tied to the top of his head with big red STRAPS, and

he's probably rather be smokin' DOPE down in Florida than down here

workin', but I guess you didn't want her to tell me the part about how

what you REALLY went for was old women who wore orthopedic feet,

trying to stick your dick between their TOES, while it was actually a

cat wearing handcuffs and men's underwear who was forced to

MEMORIZE--not the authorized--but the second version of the biography

of Joe DiMaggio--while he took a six-foot long bullwhip and whipped it

every time it made a mistake, during the recital of said biography.

But I'm SURE you wouldn't want her to...

 

(c) Janor Hypercleets Ministries

1209 W. 2nd St.

Little Rock, Ark. 72201

 

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My sig is not under construction. It's dead. megeliz@radix.net