Subject: Movie Review: The English Patient

Date: 12 Dec 1997 00:00:00 GMT

From: nospamum@radix.net (MegaLiz)

Organization: MotPU: Where Binary Moodswings are ALWAYS on the Menu

Newsgroups: alt.slack, alt.foot.fat-free

 

 

 

 

 

In general, I try to avoid anything that just HAS to be more than two

hours long, but in this case I really regret not having seen this one

on the biggest screen possible. It would have been fitting, since it

is a frantically overwritten story, touchingly overacted,

overproduced, BUT not necessarily OVERRATED. I can HEARTILY recommend

it for the sake of ONE LINE in which the THIMBALISM almost gave me an

EMBOLISM.

 

Ratings in the most important categories follow...

 

Use of creepy buried-alive-in-a-sand-storm situation: 10

 

Use of creepy left-in-a-dark-cave-to-die situation: 9

 

Use of creepy Willem-Dafoe-in-mittens entrance: 10

(Then again, that's a gimme).

 

Use of desperate thumbsucking: 10

 

Use of Colin Firth: 2

(He's just SWELL and should have had more to do besides dribbling

champagne all over his valentines and grunting Britishisms through his

stiff upper lip).

 

Use of various boobs: 5

(This story definately BEGGED for a lot more boob shots, although it

did have actual bodice ripping AND complete frontal female nudity,

which was executed SO beautifully that I know that small-breasted

women everywhere would have jointed me in a wrenching rendition of the

Bitty Titty Anthem).

 

Use of RAFE(!) FINES eyebrows: 0

(He never was learned in the use of 'em, but there were burned off for

most of the movie to give him a break from trying).

 

Use of Kirsten Scott Thomas's eyebrows: 10

(Who CARES if she can move them).

 

Use of bad pun inducing scenes: 10

(I will forever be humming "Dancing Cheek to Sikh").

 

 

It was worth the three bucks, and had just enough mumbling and

confusion in the story to make me glad I could rewind. Afterward, I

found myself thinking it must have been a good book, but I understand

that when reading it, one is inclined to think it would make a good

movie, so I think I'll skip THAT. The wartime atmosphere FEELS very

authenticly nonsensical and I felt an unprecidented surge of

compassion for the pain of the fictional burn victim, because I had a

really bad hangnail. Don't worry. I bandanged it really tightly and

let it get really wrinkly, but it hurt MORE after I did that, so I

think it may have been an actual SLICE rather than a TEAR. I did NOT,

however require any surgery or any sort of hangnail entourage, this

time. I'm so TIRED of skin.

 

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Spunky: "Lookit all the foot prints! Lotsa people were here!"

Sparky: "OR it was ONE THING with a jillion feet."

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