Subject: Movie Review: The English Patient
Date: 12 Dec 1997 00:00:00 GMT
From: email@example.com (MegaLiz)
Organization: MotPU: Where Binary Moodswings are ALWAYS on the Menu
Newsgroups: alt.slack, alt.foot.fat-free
In general, I try to avoid anything that just HAS to be more than two
hours long, but in this case I really regret not having seen this one
on the biggest screen possible. It would have been fitting, since it
is a frantically overwritten story, touchingly overacted,
overproduced, BUT not necessarily OVERRATED. I can HEARTILY recommend
it for the sake of ONE LINE in which the THIMBALISM almost gave me an
Ratings in the most important categories follow...
Use of creepy buried-alive-in-a-sand-storm situation: 10
Use of creepy left-in-a-dark-cave-to-die situation: 9
Use of creepy Willem-Dafoe-in-mittens entrance: 10
(Then again, that's a gimme).
Use of desperate thumbsucking: 10
Use of Colin Firth: 2
(He's just SWELL and should have had more to do besides dribbling
champagne all over his valentines and grunting Britishisms through his
stiff upper lip).
Use of various boobs: 5
(This story definately BEGGED for a lot more boob shots, although it
did have actual bodice ripping AND complete frontal female nudity,
which was executed SO beautifully that I know that small-breasted
women everywhere would have jointed me in a wrenching rendition of the
Bitty Titty Anthem).
Use of RAFE(!) FINES eyebrows: 0
(He never was learned in the use of 'em, but there were burned off for
most of the movie to give him a break from trying).
Use of Kirsten Scott Thomas's eyebrows: 10
(Who CARES if she can move them).
Use of bad pun inducing scenes: 10
(I will forever be humming "Dancing Cheek to Sikh").
It was worth the three bucks, and had just enough mumbling and
confusion in the story to make me glad I could rewind. Afterward, I
found myself thinking it must have been a good book, but I understand
that when reading it, one is inclined to think it would make a good
movie, so I think I'll skip THAT. The wartime atmosphere FEELS very
authenticly nonsensical and I felt an unprecidented surge of
compassion for the pain of the fictional burn victim, because I had a
really bad hangnail. Don't worry. I bandanged it really tightly and
let it get really wrinkly, but it hurt MORE after I did that, so I
think it may have been an actual SLICE rather than a TEAR. I did NOT,
however require any surgery or any sort of hangnail entourage, this
time. I'm so TIRED of skin.
Spunky: "Lookit all the foot prints! Lotsa people were here!"
Sparky: "OR it was ONE THING with a jillion feet."
* alt.foot.fat-free: where you can collect yummy cheese!